I don't have a question i just need to vent some feelings.
I just hate it when(the person who needs care) undermines (the caregiver). As in, "I don't need this medicine I'm doing fine." or "You can't help me because I don't want you to." or "I'm not gonna tell you I'm in pain because that'll be a burden for you." and "I can take care of myself."
Funny that you say that. I guess my time means nothing at this point.
I just love to waste my time trying to keep you alive and whatnot, but hey its your life.
I spend the majority of my time trying to keep you healthy and what do you do? You throw that away for nothing or because " life's not fair, I give up, this is too hard" yada yada yada.
Which makes me angry, because why the heck am I trying for if you're only going to throw away all my efforts at the end of the day? Why should I keep going on and on and on repeating myself and giving you the same explanations when clearly you couldn't care less what happens to you.. . .
And that hurts. Deeply. Because for the first time in a while I care about you. I always have and I try to express it as much as you'd let me. But then you do something that says "I don't care what happens to me at all. 0%" and it feels like a new cut at my heart. A reopened wound that'll never heal because you never cared about yourself as much as I cared about you. And as much as you try to deny it I know you enough to know that that was true. You never could care more about yourself than you could for others and I'm sorry you couldn't admit that to me, to anyone you loved in your life, or even to yourself. And now it feels like I'm picking up your leftovers, that is, the relationships you left unsettled, undone. And I have to clean up all these emotions because you were the one who declared these feelings and thoughts aloud, for everyone, without holding anyone responsible for their own feellings. I know you thought that was probably "for the best" but thats crap now. You kept everything so neat and precise and absolutely certain and now that is not the case. You never prepared for when you left, because you thought you were invincible. You thought you were superwoman, taking on the world and conquering all its mishaps and covering all of your bases would make it impossible for you to go. And yet, life isn't like that. I don't want to teach any other kids, either now or in the future, that problems will go away if you ignore them long enough. That feelings will eventually go away with time or that you can create a bubble around the ones you love. Because eventually I have to answer for my own problems, and I have to sort out problems the way I know how. And somehow you never thought about letting go to be a good thing, but what did I expect? You loved so much but that love needed more people, more to love. And I'm sorry that I wasn't enough. I wasn't enough to help you with your problems. That I couldn't be there when you wanted me to be. That I hadn't taken control of myself or my own situations before you died. And now I know I need to, and you would be proud of me because I'm doing everything you taught me to do; being almost everything you wanted me to be. And I know you'd still shake your head and tisk tisk me and lecture me that I'm allowing myself to be naive and ignorant. But now I know why. And now I know that I wouldn't get your approval no matter what I did because you expected perfection, even though you messed up too, even though you loved me. And I don't think your opinions are as impacting or relevant as you thought they are. And now I am challenging those opinions (and can say you were wrong too). And now realize that your bubble never expanded. But I did. But I will still be here for you, to hold you when you fall, because I love strongly too. I miss you but I now know that you are still in my heart, my soul because of all the things we once did together. And I won't forget those. And I will protect myself. Love you forever