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I don't have a question i just need to vent some feelings.


I just hate it when(the person who needs care) undermines (the caregiver). As in, "I don't need this medicine I'm doing fine." or "You can't help me because I don't want you to." or "I'm not gonna tell you I'm in pain because that'll be a burden for you." and "I can take care of myself."


Funny that you say that. I guess my time means nothing at this point.


I just love to waste my time trying to keep you alive and whatnot, but hey its your life.


I spend the majority of my time trying to keep you healthy and what do you do? You throw that away for nothing or because " life's not fair, I give up, this is too hard" yada yada yada.


Which makes me angry, because why the heck am I trying for if you're only going to throw away all my efforts at the end of the day? Why should I keep going on and on and on repeating myself and giving you the same explanations when clearly you couldn't care less what happens to you.. . .


And that hurts. Deeply. Because for the first time in a while I care about you. I always have and I try to express it as much as you'd let me. But then you do something that says "I don't care what happens to me at all. 0%" and it feels like a new cut at my heart. A reopened wound that'll never heal because you never cared about yourself as much as I cared about you. And as much as you try to deny it I know you enough to know that that was true. You never could care more about yourself than you could for others and I'm sorry you couldn't admit that to me, to anyone you loved in your life, or even to yourself. And now it feels like I'm picking up your leftovers, that is, the relationships you left unsettled, undone. And I have to clean up all these emotions because you were the one who declared these feelings and thoughts aloud, for everyone, without holding anyone responsible for their own feellings. I know you thought that was probably "for the best" but thats crap now. You kept everything so neat and precise and absolutely certain and now that is not the case. You never prepared for when you left, because you thought you were invincible. You thought you were superwoman, taking on the world and conquering all its mishaps and covering all of your bases would make it impossible for you to go. And yet, life isn't like that. I don't want to teach any other kids, either now or in the future, that problems will go away if you ignore them long enough. That feelings will eventually go away with time or that you can create a bubble around the ones you love. Because eventually I have to answer for my own problems, and I have to sort out problems the way I know how. And somehow you never thought about letting go to be a good thing, but what did I expect? You loved so much but that love needed more people, more to love. And I'm sorry that I wasn't enough. I wasn't enough to help you with your problems. That I couldn't be there when you wanted me to be. That I hadn't taken control of myself or my own situations before you died. And now I know I need to, and you would be proud of me because I'm doing everything you taught me to do; being almost everything you wanted me to be. And I know you'd still shake your head and tisk tisk me and lecture me that I'm allowing myself to be naive and ignorant. But now I know why. And now I know that I wouldn't get your approval no matter what I did because you expected perfection, even though you messed up too, even though you loved me. And I don't think your opinions are as impacting or relevant as you thought they are. And now I am challenging those opinions (and can say you were wrong too). And now realize that your bubble never expanded. But I did. But I will still be here for you, to hold you when you fall, because I love strongly too. I miss you but I now know that you are still in my heart, my soul because of all the things we once did together. And I won't forget those. And I will protect myself. Love you forever

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I think one of the most difficult parts for me about this is wondering if that is how my husband and I will become to our kids. I think we parent very differently in a lot of ways than our parents did so hopefully we will remember this, but I fear we could become *those people*. This has prompted me into changing the way we live right now, and I'm trying to find compassion for our parents in the present (but it is very difficult). 

Sigh... We just got accused *again* by family members claiming we care about inheritance, because we dared to try to talk with them about our concerns. No, Fools. We don't give a rat's @ss about how much money is "left over." We just don't want to regularly see you in this unnecessary dehabilitating pain, find you dead in a gutter, or hear from the police that they came to your house to find your forgotten mummified carcasses being consumed by your gazillion pets a good 10-30 years before your time.

Is that too much to expect? I suppose it is to them. They want to just keep stumbling and crashing along and "not trouble" us...even if it means they endanger themselves and other people. Mentality you'd expect from an immature 15 YO—not a 70/80 YO year old person who supposedly had "life experience," but there it is.
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I’m in a somewhat similar situation only with the in home PT an OT gals, who I adore.

I let them into mom’s room when it’s time for their appointments.
“Yes I put my own socks on today.”
No, she didn’t.
”Yes I called 911 on my own lying on the floor.”
No, she called me first and she was sitting on the side of the bed.
”Yes I ate all my breakfast today.”
No, she didn’t.

Fortunately they come to me after the visit and I give them the pass-down. “No, she didn’t do any of those things but it’s nice she told you that.” And blessed ladies that they are they say, “I knew that...”

I don’t tell her that I overhear, but it’s so frustrating to me that she will tell them all the wonderful progress she’s making, when she is not. If she were honest this wouldn’t take this long.

I feel for you.
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Pulp, I think what is happening here is the child/parent dynamics. A parent is not going to tell their "child" that they need the child's help. We are just the kids, and what do we know :P

I notice when my Dad hired caregivers, he was more open about his aches and pains to the caregiver then to me. He didn't want to burden me. And the caregiver always had ideas on how to ease the pain as this wasn't their first rodeo.

The caregiver also taught me how to find humor in aging, and that was quite helpful.
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Pulp--

This is actually a very beautiful "rant".

I don't know what to say, or to add. You're telling US what you want to say to mom and you know she won't listen.

Accept that she won't likely change, keep doing what YOU feel you can do and come back here to find others who feel as you do.

{{Hugs}}
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