Follow
Share

We brought my mom up for Christmas and I was rewrapping her legs and I discovered that one of the callous fell off where the ulcer from 2015 was. It’s oozing but I have it wrapped with gauze. It’s just draining a little but we took her home today and I am just so scared of what’s to come. Of course her foot doctor is gone through the holidays. We go to her regular doctor Thursday but I have to be back Friday for my own appointment that’s very important for my pain management. I just had a procedure done on the 20 th for the pancreas. I am just not ready. Plus I am starting to realize she isn’t telling me the truth about bathing or at least washing herself, she had major diarrhea and if it weren’t for me washing her down there she would just have put another diaper on. Every time i mention having someone come in to do the dishes (husband did them with gloves on) and bathing and some laundry or groceries. I am dreading this conversation because she then says she can’t do anything right or she is a burden. She doesn’t listen to me for anything. I would have kept her up here but my husband has had before Christmas to the 3rd and he is struggling with depression and I know he needs me too. I talked to my cousins to check on her, one is a nurse until Thursday. I am already tired. Sorry I also need to add that my husband actually washed her clothes twice with borax and gloves. He said everything had soiling on it.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
You are not selfish for wanting to live your life and not hers.

Make her answer about the niece taking her. It is okay to force an answer and encourage others solutions.

Ask her doctor to prescribe home health, that is the 1st step.

Hugs! I hope that you can find something that makes you smile when you remember your brother on the anniversary of his passing. Help mom to remember the good times and love as well.
(1)
Report

Hello everyone, well I was right, my mom’s ulcers need care. We took her home December 28 and then we got into her pcp on the 2nd and was sent right to the foot doctor. She came back to Wisconsin with us and we went back the 9 th and one ulcer was completely healed. The other is healing but I brought her back. We have another appointment this Thursday and I know she will be back. Today I suggested if she wants to go home after the appointment she could ask her nieces (who she brags that they always offer help) but she didn’t respond at all. What should I do, I miss my husband so much. I knew this year was going to be challenging. Now tomorrow is the anniversary of my brother’s passing and she has already so depressed. Am I being selfish to want a break. Would insurance cover home health if I have already been taking care of her? Hope you are all doing well
(0)
Report

Staffbull I agree that you should evaluate other options for your mother’s care this year. She will only get progressively worse.
Your husband sounds like a lovely fellow- wasn’t he redoing her shower too? It sounds like he has his own issues with depression however. I am thinking going down to see your mother every free weekend will start to wear (ware?) on both of you. Doesn’t hubby also mow mom’s lawn?
He would be my first priority. He is your life and will be there long after mom passes (I hope) but he needs love and attention too.
Your mother has lived her life the way she wanted to. Now she has become stubborn and unwilling to compromise and expects you to just deal with her demands. She won’t pay a handyman to fix things, won’t entertain the idea of paying for outside help.
It’s a shame she wants to hold on to the farm. Can’t she sell a few acres to have the funds for upkeep? Having s farm is a lot of work- will she till the land and plant crops this year?
I don’t know much about your relationship with your husband but even well meaning people like your husband can get burnt out. Imagine working all week and wanting to stay home and relax on the weekends but instead drives hours to spend the weekend at his MIL house because he loves you and wants you to be happy.
I hope your pancreas procedure went well. I am thinking it was a stent insertion? Wild guess on my part.
(1)
Report

I sincerely hope that this year bring you the peace that you are so desperately seeking. You’ve had a tough time. I will say a prayer for you and burn a candle for you at Mass.

Take care, Staff. I wish you the very best. Hang in there. Keep the faith.

Sending you a bazillion hugs 💗 !
(3)
Report

Happy New Year. Since my mom has a large amount of assests she doesn’t qualify for an assistance financially but it’s assets not cash and if any one remembers the farm and my brother she is not going to sell anything to help herself. But I have an appointment with her pcp on Thursday and I will be there. I feel awful because every time I walk into her house and into the kitchen I just cannot seem to just let it go. The dishes yet she will move furniture around but can’t do dishes. And then if I bring up getting a volunteer to come in and help she puts her head in the air and says I cannot do anything right. At least this visit she told me when she leaked on the couch. I know it’s embarrassing but we have to talk about this. I don’t know if I mentioned her doctor is like 10 years old and I just cannot believe he didn’t order any blood work but she won’t leave that office because of the nurse there. Yet, she doesn’t even see this nurse at her appointment. I am grateful that she has agreed to come stay with us but it effects our relationship too. It’s just been a lot lately. I think i mentioned my husband and his depression but the medication has really helped him. But I know one thing that would help more and that’s time alone. He had Christmas until this Friday and we never got to take off for the day like to Chicago. But you know as I write this i realize that I cannot complain I have so much to be grateful for. I am blessed to still have my mom. I have a good life with good friends. I will be honest I still think of my brother and wonder how things got so bad so fast. I pray that maybe someday but that’s in God’s hands. You know they haven’t put their house back on the market and we wonder are they just waiting for her to die and see what they will get. I know it’s all hers but my nieces are still going to end up with everything. These are the two who have not spoken to her, one since my daddy’s funeral and the other since she was medflighted. I just wish the whole truth would come out. No more lies. I probably would fall over if I actually knew everything. But that’s all in the past and I just want peace so bad but all I can do is pray and try to be the best person I can be. Thank you all again. I pray that we all can have some peace and happiness in this new year. God bless you all.
(2)
Report

In TN, the PCP can evaluate the patient in front of him during an office visit and prescribe or order in home bathing assistance, you pick a home health agency to provide the care either at the PCP office or during a followup call from the office nurse, and the bathing assistance attendant can show up on your door step the next day. Mom and I left the doctor's office at about 10:00a, the PCP's nurse called about picking an agency around 11:30a, the agency nurse called around 1:00p, and the agency nurse and the bathing attendant came through our door at 9:00a the next morning.
(2)
Report

TNTechie in order for her mom to get a home health aide to bathe her paid by Medicare at home is if mother has a need for skilled care & had her PCP write orders for skilled nursing and homecare.

The nurse is ordered into the home to assess need and then the SN can order the HHA. That may happen if she develops another foot ulcer.
Another option is private pay for an aide from an agency to come in once or twice a week to help bathe your mom.
When I did homecare I noticed the bath aide was requested more than me! It was difficult at times because the HHA’s were too busy or quit and/or then we had none.
Hygiene’s is super important.
(0)
Report

Mom's PCP should be able to prescribe weekly bathing assistance paid for by Medicare, and maybe a nursing visit to check on her wounds and diabetes. Contact her local Area on Aging and see what services she may qualify for in community Medicaid to stabilize the immediate situation at home. If it comes to placement, can you place Mom closer to you so it's easier on you to keep an eye on her care?

I know placement is difficult. I dreaded that conversation with my father too. But you only have so much energy to go around and your mom needs to be in a safe place. When my father was safe in the MC, I felt so much better not having the constant stress worrying about what might be happening. If you can, get her PCP to tell her she cannot continue living alone and blame her move on the doctor at every opportunity.
(3)
Report

It sounds like things are quite serious with your LO. I would be very concerned leaving a person alone who doesn't realize they need to clean their body from feces. Your profiles says that she also has diabetes. That normally requires medication and or insulin. I would be concerned that she is not able to do that if she is not processing hygiene matters? With your health situation, it doesn't sound like you are able to provide the care the needs. Do your have POA? I'd immediately seek a way to get her direct care and supervision. I know that it's very stressful. I hope you can find help.
(1)
Report

I guess Mom is now 84? Your profile is old and it says she is in a NH? I am assuming she is back in her home?

I think 2020 you are going to need to make some decisions concerning Mom. Are you seeing signs of Dementia? Even if not, is she taking her meds correctly? Eating when she should to keep sugar levels stable? Sounds like she can no longer clean. Can't remember, do u have POA? Have her PCP give her a good physical, checking on that foot. Tell him what you are seeing. There is a decline here. It could be dementia it could be she isn't taking her meds correctly. If he says 24/7 care is needed, explain that physically and mentally you can't care for her. Mention ur Anorexia. Also, DH has his health problems. Get him to document his findings. Have him talk to Mom directly and tell her she can no longer care for herself and she needs to consider an AL.

Hopefully with the farm you can sell it or split it up and sell parcels to cover Moms care. No, she won't like it but its what she needs now. As a diabetic, she could lose that foot. You need to explain that you r not in the place you can care for her. The stress would not be good for ur recovery.

I hope 2020 brings good things. Don't feel guilty about ur decisions. Its what is best for Mom and you. Please, do not bring her to live with you. Let others do the caring for u.
(3)
Report

Great big hug!

Your husband is a trooper, you are right to put his and your needs first.

As Barb asked, can you get visiting nurses? Something is going to go septic with her lack of personal hygiene.

I hope that your follow up is great and you are healing from your surgery.
(4)
Report

It is good to see you here again, Staff. I hope that you know the time is now coming when likely you cannot do this on your own. Your Mom should be in care so that you can care for and heal yourself. If Mom is diabetic this open wound on foot needs to be followed by pain care clinic. I don't see how you can handle all this on your own. Try not to take on the whole year and try as hard as it is for ALL of us to stay mindfully in this day. So sorry you are still going through so many things.
(4)
Report

Staff, it might be time to call the Visiting Nurse Association and see if they can arrange for a nurse to visit a few times a week.
(6)
Report

Staff,

I am so sorry that you have these difficult challenges. I hope you are able to get solutions soon. Will you be seeing a wound care specialist?

Take care. Hugs!
(4)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter