Today is a beautiful, sunny day in the Texas Hill Country and I am not going to visit my wife at her care center. I have been with her every day now since November 30th when she had a severe stroke. I love her deeply and yes, I have sunk to the depths of depression, cried rivers, felt sorry for myself and prayed for an end to this terrible situation that fate has dealt us. I brought her home from therapy twice and both times she returned to the hospital the next day by ambulance. She has been diagnosed with depression with behavior problems and confirms that diagnosis each time we see each other. I have made LTC arrangements for her, and have come to the conclusion that I could not care for her with full-time help, much less alone. I hope that folks understand that I just want her to be safe and cared for by someone with professional experience. I just hope we can be together in the next life and happy forever.
No one wants their spouse to become ill. It broke my heart when my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I am so grateful that he is doing well now.
It is devastating to witness those we love declining. I am so sorry that you are hurting.
As I said earlier, you have done your very best and I am sure that your wife is appreciative.
You deserve time off. You don’t have to be with her everyday. Go when you feel up to it.
I respect your faith and I understand that you wish to spend eternity with your wife.
Sending prayers and hugs your way today. Take care.
we all have 1 shot to get it right.
do not "wait for the next life".
do what you feel is right, for her, for you. if that means stepping back, ok...if that means, being there, ok...abandoning, not abandoning, taking a break, not taking a break, taking a permanent break...whatever...
you're the only one who must live with whatever choices you make. but do not magically think about some next life.
I think your choices are OFTEN the only answer. This isn't a matter of "loving" or not loving. This is a matter of our human limitations and what we think is best for all involved. Because all ARE involved. You didn't cause this and you can't fix it. This is a matter of grief, not guilt. Guilt belongs to felons and suggests things can be changed. Grief knows it is something to mourn and endure. I think that especially for men it is almost impossible to accept that there is no "fix it". It is quite honestly what men DO. They see a problem and move to how to fix it. And when you are mired in a world of things that can't be fixed, it is a whole different ballgame. I am 80. Had what happened to your wife happened to me then I would have hoped my husband would have gone the route you have chosen; I have always made that clear to my husband and kids. I do not want to be the altar someone sacrifices his or her entire life upon.
I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you and I wish you the best of luck. I think you are well grounded in reality.
It will also take you some time to adjust to the new role. You have been in such a heightened state of awareness in the last while that I am sure you will be at loose ends with yourself for a little while. And that´s ok too. You just need to take things slow and visit her as you feel the need and however works for you.
You sound like a very loving husband and you have done your very best to take care of her.
In all reality, once you get her placed, visiting just a few times a week should be fine, as she will be busy with other things going on at the facility, and you will want to be busy with things that you enjoy as well.
And yes you are doing the right thing for your wife, as you know that even with full-time help in home it would still be too much for you. We all know our limitations and being a full-time caregiver for someone with many many needs is not for everyone.
Your wife will be cared for 24/7, safe and fed, and you really can't ask for more than that.
And you will be able to get back to just being her loving husband and advocate, and not her caregiver, and that in itself is a true gift.
God bless you.