I have power of attorney for my elderly mother. I am mentally and physically drained. My health has suffered. My family has suffered there

My husband would verbably abuse me while he was in a nursing home all of the 16 times or so and when he did I would stay away for days on end and now that he has passed I have no quilt feelings over that even on the phone he would treat me like his slave and when he did I stayed away he never learned how to be nice to me and the problem I always remenber while I was waiting for test results to see if I had cancer years ago he could not go to the hospital on Christmas Day he had to entertain his Mother and Aunt and Uncle because he thought they all would leave him loads of money and none of them did they just had told him that beacuse they wanted him at their beck and call for all the years we were married until they passed away so I knew for a long time I was not important to him as they were even though I did everything for him for years and years but I got great kids out of the deal so it was what it was.

Boundaries. All who know me are aware that "Boundaries" is my crusade for all caregivers. Free time, no guilt, and standing up to your siblings. Told my SIL last night that I am tired of listening to mom about her son. He never comes to see her unless the red carpet is laid out and he gets a free meal. I said enough is enough, come see her, no excuses and no invitation required!!! They are coming for her birthday and I am going to badger them from now on. One person should not be taking all the responsibility when there is a family that surrounds her and does NOTHING. Sounds as if you need to get them inline in your family. Stay away from the nursing home and just visit once week. The professionals are there for a reason, let them take care while you recoup. Good luck. You are doing a good job. Don't question yourself!
Linda

Yes, this is tough and taking a "last stand," but for some people it is the only thing that can be done. Each family has its own history, and each case is different. Getting a court ordered Guardianship or Conservatorship is a viable option for some families. Good information from all of you.
Carol

You need to file for Conservatorship and then also the court could grant someone else Conservatorship and they would do the Geriatric Care Giving. POA is only for financial matters and not over them. You have to have a court/judge declare them incompetent. I researched this and saving it for last case worst scenario. Each state has it's own rules so you need to at least start with an Estate Lawyer, that's how I started my research.

It is tough being a caregiver to parents who where once over-bearing and controlling. Many of them never did any of the proper paperwork as well, since they did not want their children 'so to speak' meddling in their business. So it is very tough for those of us who had "tightly wound" parents.

SecretSister,
On behalf of those Children who did not experience the kind, gentle,loving, happy, functional households that breed loving, compassionate, and empathetic caregivers: Thanks for hanging in here. YOU GET IT.
I don't think proberts329 was really asking a legal question here; she was itching for emotional support. Your response scratched that itch.
BTW- having POA does not obligate anyone to be/ or prevent anyone from being a parent's caregiver. It makes you legally responsible for decisions made concerning that person's daily living affairs. IN other words, if mom needed to go to a nursing home but refused the court could declare mom incompetent and confirm your election as POA. If no prior POA document had been filed by mom, then the court could appoint anyone to that role. If the court does not find your mom incompetent then a POA cannot be effected. POA resides in your mom until she is declared incompetent to act on her own behalf. You cannot just assume POA. It must be given to you legally by government authority.

After going to your site, (to give you a hug) I see your Mom is in a Nursing Home. Why do you have to take her abuse? Sounds like you have her care under control, except the emotional demands she places on you and your time. How about some rest for you? Time away from Mom so you can care for your own needs and enjoy your grandchildren. Can't the Nursing Home meet your Mom's needs? You have the right to a life, too, and Mom doesn't have the right to verbally abuse you, unless you give permission.

When my Mom gets unruly, I am learning to stand up, refute it, and walk out. It's not easy, but you can set some boundaries that will work for both of you. Perhaps a support group or Social Worker at Mom's facility could help. There's probably many here with ideas about that, too.

All three ladies have good ideas. Pray, take it slow, get good counsel, and go from there. Do you really want an outside agency (or the State) to make all your Mom's decisions, giving them total control? That's a drastic way to go. As Caregivers, we all understand fatigue, and feeling helpless and hopeless at times, but there are many alternative solutions for you and your Mom. Commission on Aging may offer suggestions, and often you may find an Elder Law Attorney who gives free seminars, offering alternatives, as well. Check out your local Senior Center for resources, and check references. Sounds like you need help and relief yesterday. Taking care of yourself is vital! Will be praying for you.

You can still keep POA and not be the 24/7 caregiver.

If you can't afford an attorney, begin with your local Council on Aging or a similar organization and they will point you in the right direction. If your mother has funds over which you have control for her care, hiring someone to care for her while you get out of the house might be an emergency temporary fix to help you regain your sanity.

You need to talk with an estate attorney. It's possible to turnthe POA over to an attorney. I'm not sure about the state, as each state has different laws, and that may or may not be the best for you. Please talk with someone who knows what to legally do for your circumstances in your state. You do need to end this abuse. Let us know how you do.

Carol