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I am so, so tired. Yes, we have a history, yes, I'm the black sheep. I couldn't care less about the details at this point, but only the outcome, which is my disgust. I don't want to see her anymore, do anything for her, buy her anything, go for visits, etc. On a weak day, I can see myself slipping and doing this, but I know she'll turn the thing into all about her. I don't care that she has dementia. She seems to be doing quite well being her old nasty self to everyone, so she hasn't lost that at all. You can easily see it because her evil narcissist behavior is like her "signature." All I hear, is "oh, well, the poor thing has dementia so you should overlook oddities in her behavior because she can't help it." Yeah, right. That is total BS. She finds it easy enough to be as controlling and nasty as possible with her personal attacks, the "poor me" thing, the part that is so mean you'd think she ate nails for breakfast. More than anything, I want this woman out of my life. If that's death, then so be it. I wasn't put on this earth to be continually beaten down like a dog. I'm not responsible for whether or not she gets COVID but my brother thought so and brought her home from AL to protect her. Protect her? What about ME? He doesn't really do anything and leaves it all to me. She has managed to turn my brother against me (he's like a little puppy dog looking for anything he can do to get her approval). My patience is worn thin and I have nothing to offer this mother except a roof over her head and directions to the same fridge where she can fix the same sandwich I'm eating. I'm not cooking for her, I'm not cleaning for her, I'm not going to pick up this and that at the store, I'm not going to listen to her berate me and my other siblings, I'm not going to listen about how terrible her paid caregivers are. I don't care. I just don't care. It is stupid to love someone who treats you like sh*t. I don't care what anyone thinks about this caring game. COVID may run wild for who knows how long, but I've got the ovary dispenser packed up and ready to go back to AL. Good luck, have a nice life, leave me the h*ll alone. I am so done with her/it I can barely see straight. And now she's put this barrier between my brother and me that is the worst fight we've been in since we were in our teens. I absolutely refuse to lift another finger. I am so angry...angry by the guilt that is shoved on me by this society and the expectations that we take care of our abusive parents. Why? It does nothing for me except hurt me all my life. I wish I lived across country, I wish she'd just disappear. I can't say I hate her because there's not that much emotion left in me. She robbed me of so much in my life, of a normal family, normal relationships. It's taken me well over 50 years to learn that I am okay as I am. I'm not sure of my next steps except to figure out every little thing I can to stay away from her personally and as a topic. At one point recently, I tried out a boundary with her showing basic respect to me and others. I was very calm and kind and explained about trust and deep relationships. She said very simply "I have no respect for you at all." And then she laughed and laughed.

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I’m a caregiver for my mom she has dementia as well. Some mean things that are said comes from dementia. Without making excuses for her I wish you can find someone else who can be a little bit more nurturing and understanding of dementia. I’m sorry but you sound really bitter to me. I hope you seek counseling because there might be some other issues with you as well.
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Your situation sucks, but you do not! I feel very much the same way! We are allowed our feelings and not to feel guilty about them or continue to judge ourselves for having them. I am finding my way out now and she is of course not making it easy. The truest part of her selfish nature shines thru. In a perfect world we would love, honor and respect our aging parents but his would require first for them to have shown us the same. Because they were/are so miserable and relied on us to somehow make them happy at all times, we ruined our chances of having real loving and respectful relationships. Get out girl, save yourself. You deserve a beautiful life that you can now create on your own with healing this war within yourself. If you ever want to vent and find new ways to process , hit me up. Tammy separated at birth to different a** hole moms🧚🏼‍♂️
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Hopefully writing it all down helped dispell some of the anger. A lot of anger here! I believe anger has a reason - to motivate us towards CHANGE.

How is the communication between you & your brother? Did you discuss bringing Mother to your house? Did you agree?

If no, you have to right to stick to no. If it was unclear, now is the time to make this crystal clear. If you did say yes but found it is just too hard, you have the right to change your mind.

Basically if you want out, start with a calm discussion. Sit him down, get his full attention & explain it is not working for you at all. Therefore you are resigning as Mother's carer - effective (you insert a time frame) eg asap or 1 week.

Suggest the obvious alternative: A. Mother move back to AL until he makes a new plan.

Are you willing to let Mother stay in your house if you are not her caregiver? If yes, add options B. brother provides all her care & C. Aides are hired.

If you really don't want her in the house at all, option A is the only acceptable response.

Otherwise, hiring aides until you have your appointment could be a tempory solution/compromise?

If brother is unable to hear you & take your views into consideration, you may be left with option D. departing. Leaving the house until this can be resolved - that is IF you have an safe affordable accommodation option - until your appointment. (I would personally pitch a tent in the yard... but being out of sight would be much better).
Certainly call APS if you have concerns & do plan on leaving.

Each sibling feels differently about their parent & were parently slightly different. Be prepared your brothrr may not share your experience. That's OK.

What's not OK is he insists you accept Mother into your living space & be her caregiver.

I have experience with family members trying to roster my time, assign me tasks, push other prople's responsibilities onto me, assuming I would fix their problems.

Taking responsibility for my own communication helped enormously. Ensuring I clearly SAID no when I wanted to say no (not just thinking it). Meaning no & acting no.

My advice is see what deal you can make with your brother immediately. Then stick with the councelling to make longer term plans. This could be the start of the next chapter for you.
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It can be very stressful caregiving for someone that we have a difficult history with or if they seem to push our buttons. I have read that it’s not advisable to be a hands on caregiver for a parent who had mistreated you in the past. I’d consult with an attorney and explore options for her care. How can you separate her negativity from dementia behavior? It’s likely you can’t, so, all of it has to be attributed to dementia. The caregiver is not entitled to get sympathy, respect or appreciation from people who have dementia. It’s a totally selfless job that may bring no rewards on this earth. I hope you can find help on this. There is no rule everyone must be a hands on caregiver. There is no disgrace in that. It is admirable when you recognize that and you make other arrangements.
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I'm sitting back watching my Dh detach from his mother. It's awful b/c he has just now begun to see the toxic, sick, mean person she is and always has been. He's 68 and she's 90. Not a lot of deep thinking going on for the last 68 years, y'think?

I stepped completely away from her about 8+ months ago--in a spectacular door slamming rage (which neither of them heard b/c they are both deaf) but oh, it felt so good.

DH is SUPPOSED to be helping his poor sister with his mom. SIL went out of town with her family for 5 days and asked Dh to look in on mom. At a baby shower the day before they left she said "B will look in on mom, right?" and I replied "Nope. Pretty sure he won't. Sorry." Of course she got a little mad at ME, b/c I can't talk DH into doing ANYTHING....so yesterday as we're out for a Sunday drive I asked him if he'd ever checked in on Mom, as sis was away. He said (every SINGLE TIME he's left 'in charge') "Oh, crap, I am the WORST son in the world, I didn't even think about her". I just agreed and we went on our way.

She is a toxic and sick individual. I'd blame the dementia, but it's just her being more intensely her. I do not care if I ever see her again and my brain cannot hold the hatred she has for me. Dh can barely stand to speak to her--his involvement with her is to take her trash cans out every other Tues. He has done it once since he told SIL he'd step up.

Watching and listening to him sort through (finally) the toxicity and hurt that was his life for all these years. At least he'd stopped blaming ME for the lousy relationship he has with his mom.

He finally has established some boundaries, and will walk out on her if she gets 'too bad'. He still tried to blame me for the lack of a relationship with her---but that's a ridiculous argument. I gave and gave until I was thoroughly cooked and then walked out.

She's going to live forever, she states that all the time. She probably WILL outlive her older son, as he is bad health, and DH is not in the best health either.

How sad it is, really, when given a chance to LOVE, over and over, some people will chose anger, hatred and hurting. This woman has had challenges, but nothing that millions of other people have had. She truly, truly believes she's had to very worst life that anyone has ever had--that she's suffered more than anyone who ever lived.

That kind of thinking goes nowhere good. My heart aches for my DH and I am aware that his terrible relationship with his mother has really colored our marriage.
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I completely understand exactly how you feel as I’ve been in a similar situation and my mother recently passed. I’m absolutely relieved and I’m dealing with a lifetime of narcissistic behavior and therapy. If I were you I would put together a list of non-negotiables and discuss this with your brother and insist on the fact that you will not be taking care of her while she is in your home and insist she goes back to assisted-living within 30 days or whatever time frame works for YOU. Narcissists do not change, they only shorten the lives of their scapegoats. I can honestly say I have never been more relaxed in my life. Put those boundaries in place and put stickies on your mirror every morning to hold yourself accountable to yourself.
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I agree about having brother take care of her, since it was his idea to have her at home. If you keep staying with her, your anger will just continue, unless you build up a numbness inside so nothing bothers you. Even then, you still have burnout and tiredness.

Maybe if he does the caring, he will eventually decide on a senior home
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Dear Kelly, it’s good that you are seeing a psychologist in a few days, but unfortunately it is not going to make the changes that will help a lot. It may help you to calm down, but it won’t get your mother out of the house or make golden brother go back to the way it used to be.

I’d strongly suggest that you also make an appointment with a lawyer, as soon as possible. You need to be quite clear about your rights in this shared house ownership, and your brother’s rights too. You may not need to go ahead and force the sale of the house, or a buy-out of your share. Simply making your rights clear to your brother may be what it needs to make things change. Your golden brother has his own psychological issues with the mother who has abused you both. At present he feels that he is in control of the situation, and can call the shots. The legal information may disabuse him of this delusion, and lead to the changes you need.

If you can, get out of the house. That too may change his delusion about getting a full time job and leaving the care to you. But a lawyer is at least as important as the psychologist.
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I must have somewhere missed something (probably a lot). I see below that a few people say that you and your brother bought a home. And he moved her back because of covid. If you and your brother own a home he can either buy you out of the home, or you can force the sale of the home any time you wish to. That leaves you free, hopefully with a little money, to get your own rental and have your own life. It sure is what I recommend.
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Kelly, if your brother moved mom in to his part of the home, I would feel free to ignore her.

Do no caregiving, make no meals. Tell your brother he needs to hire caregivers for mom if she needs assistance and paying for that comes from HER money.

What was your agreement about space before she moved in? Do you each have unfettered access to space? And he moved someone in?

It sounds like you come from a family with few boundaries.

Why do you think you should have access to his email account?
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Your answer is a good one and I will keep it in my head (along with other things). I'll see if I can get out of here for a while. I've heard of respite care for caregivers. Why am I afraid of what my brother might read here? That question almost knocked me over. I can hardly believe I have done that because I am so darned dead-set on always being honest. I think part of it is I'm afraid of even more discord, but that is really ridiculous if I allow it to happen. I discovered he has changed his email password and is hiding files on his laptop. He has POA. I don't know how to react. I'm not feeling I'm trusted. I'm so dumbfounded by this. I will definitely bring it up at some point (I need to calm down first and look at the whole picture). And yeah....he is treating me with no respect. Thanks for pointing that out. Geez...thank you (and everyone else) for pointing out where I'm faltering.
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You bought a house with your brother, which means you have rights. You have the right to say "I can't do this anymore. I want her out."

Maybe your mother could buy you out of your half? She probably could pay your half of the mortgage and call it "rent" and then you can find another place to live that is better suited to protecting your mental health. Either way, you'd have to hire an attorney to draw up the rental agreement and make sure that you are protected. And remember that moving out does not have to permanent. But it does sound to me like, right now, it may be necessary if your mother refuses to leave.

Caregiving changes people. It has changed your brother. It clearly has changed you! But the only person you have control over is yourself.
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Sage advice.
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I am right there with you. I feel a strong revulsion to my mother that I am having trouble overcoming. My body and mind are telling me something and I’m working on listening. There is a reason I feel this way. My mother had a chance to be a decent human being and she chose not to. Listen to yourself. You are right!
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You say your brother is your best friend, talk to him. :)

No negativity. You all can do this together.
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Me, tell brother that he brought her to his/your home then HE cares for her. Doesn't seem you were given a choice. The problem with Society is that the girl and or the oldest, which still is the girl, should be the Caregiver. There are men on this sight who are/have taken care of parents or spouses and done well. So, speak up and tell brother he cannot get a job until Mom is back in AL because you REFUSE to be her 24/7 caregiver. This was his decision and he needs to take on the responsibility.

I would also take a weekend off or a week. Let dear brother be there for Mom. Even if its to rent a Hotel room somewhere and enjoy eating out alone. You need to get away and regroup. No one who has been abused in any way and continues to be should be a Caregiver.
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WOW! You are way over your tolerance limit. Everyone has a limit and dementia brings out the worst in us. You have to get out of this situation before you become physical with your mother. She needs to go back to AL NOW. Some of her behavior may be attributed to dementia but that doesn't mean your dignity is sacrificed. We often try to maintain the dignity of the person with dementia but not at the cost of our own. There is something called the "Caregiver Bill of Rights". Some of those rights are "the right to take care myself", "the right to maintain my own life", and "the right to get angry". Move her back to AL before the situation worsens.
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So, I just went and looked at some of your other posts.

Your mother calls APS on you and your brother, claiming neglect and abuse? She needs to go back into professional care.

I get why you thought bringing her out of AL was a good thing, but if it is the drama of trying to get you guys into trouble that prevents your mother from declining I think thats too high a price to pay.
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Kelly

I am glad I hear this positive side of you. You are sounding much better already.

Take it easy. "Let go of those feelings." Relax. You can do this.

Beat all of this with kindness. Step away when you have to and breathe.

Your mother may even change if she sees she is not getting to you.

Play along like your brother. It seems to work for him and mom.

Go girl. :)
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Society isn't putting guilt on you; you are putting it on yourself.
I know no one who says that anyone should care for an abusive person. You say your mother has dementia now, but was never different when well.
For the most part, children stay around abusers because they hope to hear that they "are good" or "did good". They are trained to be the servers and slaves.
At one point you say you shouldn't have to visit her in care.
At another you say you can only offer her a roof over her head.
I hope you can tell me that this woman does not now living with you, or you with her. If so, that needs to stop at once.
For whatever reasons (and they were HER REASONS) she gave birth to you. She then used you as a whipping post. It's time to move away from her now, and if you must do that with putting 3,000 miles between you, then do it. The State will care for her as they would care for someone who never HAD children.
The opinions of others? Why would you care? Are you still waiting to hear someone tell you that you are OK? That comes from within for us all, and it comes of making good solid choices and behaving with dignity and grace; one can't do that when one is stuck in a web of abuse.

Only by removing yourself from the abuse can you some day move on in a way that will remove your anger and leave you with a period of grieving, forgiveness of human frailty, strength, and recognition that you had the very bad luck to be born into an abusive situation but have made a wonderful life despite that.
If you don't heal yourself, then the cycle stands a good chance of continuing; that is how abuse works. It will take great courage to move away from what you KNOW, from how you have been TRAINED. Get professional help. Stick with it even when it gets uncomfortable, and if the therapist is any good it WILL get uncomfortable. I wish the best to you and for you and I am so sorry at the lottery that drew that particular Mom for you. If you stick around on the forum you will understand that you are not alone in your grief.
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Kelly,
Hold on tight to yourself until you can get to your counselor.
You have the symptoms of caregiver burn out, and you are not alone.
Your brother cannot force you to care for her, or even to stay one more minute with her.

Pack a little go-bag and stay anywhere but there until this resolves. It is unsafe for your own sanity to stay, imo.

If there is any intervention needed before you go, call APS.

Don't drive if you are upset, call a friend to come pick you up.

Right now, you are responsible for only yourself and your own actions, no one else. There is no shame, no guilt needed, just relax, take the necessary steps to walk out the front door, with your head up.
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If your brother brought her to his home and you do not live with him you have no obligation to care for her, see her or have anything to do with her if you do not wish to.
If he brought her to his home and you are living with him you can move out if you want no contact with her. Again you have no obligation to care for her if that was not part of the "deal".
If she is on AL, MC you have no obligation to see her. Or have contact with her. If you' re on forms granting them the ability to share information you can keep it as contact only with the facility.
If she is living in her own home and you are living in her home then the only solution is to move out.
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I am not looking for sugar-coating and I'm glad you didn't give me any. I appreciate you pointing out I sound bitter. I had not thought of that. Yes, I am very bitter and I do not want to live the rest of my life with that feeling. I am angry, very angry. I am bitter. I am tired. But you're right about finding a middle ground. I'm not sure what that is but believe me, I will actively be looking for it. My life, I know, is about me, just me. I want to do right by me before I have anything left over for anyone else. I know this problem is really bigger than I can handle by myself. I'm holding my breath for 10 days until I see this therapy person. I don't expect them to hand me the answer, but I'm sure I'll learn some things to help. It may not sound like it, but I do have hope for myself, just me, because that's the only thing I have influence over. I know I will eventually find my way through this, the only question is when and what will that look like? Will my brother be there (he is my only relative)? I want my old life back and I would like my best friend (my brother) to be supportive of me, but I know that is not going to happen. He has POA and is headed in a really ugly direction. Thank you for your advice. I will focus on a middle ground and I believe enough in myself (in the long run) to find it. It's just so painful and confusing and hurtful right now.
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Kelly, I'm confused.

Is your mthr going back to AL or not?

If yes, fine.

If no...You have exactly ZERO obligation to provide housing or hands on care for your mthr. If your brother chooses to do so, he can do it on his own time, at a property he doesn't own jointly with you. Lay down the law.

Can you get away for a few days? Might add to your clear-headed thinking.

Why are you afraid of what brother might read here? It is YOUR truth.

PS, seems to me that your brother treats you the same way mthr does, with no respect. Lawyer up and get out of the house deal.
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I know I must do something drastic and things can't stay the same. I'm in such a whirlwind of emotions I'm actually afraid of making any decision until I have calmed down and can see things as best as possible. I am going to see a psychologist in about 10 days and I am hoping I will learn some effective strategies. There are some things I haven't mentioned, important things about the way my brother is handling this. I'm afraid he'll read this posting. The friction between us is so huge and his behavior so selfish for himself with no consideration for me at all. What about me? I feel like something inside me died. Your posting is helpful. I need some distance, some insight and openly honest people like you. Thank you.
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Mepowers is right. You posting here is venting. You have an awful situation. My question to you is do you have any intention of changing it? Your brother isn't going to change, and your mother isn't going to change. What will you do when your brother gets a fulltime job? Complain but then still do the caregiving?

If you really want the situation to change, you will have to do something drastic such as consulting an attorney to force a partitiion lawsuit. Was your mother paying for AL? If so, then perhaps she can buy you out.

Please let us know what you are planning to do. If nothing, that is okay, too, as it's your choice. Many on here have no intention of ever changing their situation.
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You are not going to like what I say but I am sorry, this forum is not about sugar coating .... saying what someone wants to hear. It is about being honest.

"More than anything, I want this woman out of my life. If that's death, then so be it. "

You need to check yourself. No matter what your mother does or has done, don't let that change who you are. Don't you become that person that you are accusing your mother of being. You are becoming bitter and what you say about your mother is harsh.

I am not knocking you but I am trying to help you. You know your limitations so back off and do not allow this to come into your heart. Anger and bitterness in your heart for your mother.

It is not about kissing up like you may feel your brother is doing. It is about finding a middle ground. Regardless, do the right thing.

In life, we are accountable for our own actions. Evil for evil is never the right thing to do. It may be hard for you to do but do the right thing.

Just back away some and learn to forgive. You will feel a whole lot better. I know you can't feel good holding bitterness for her.
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She needs to go. Or your brother needs to buy you out of your half of the house and you move. Or you buy him out and he and your mother can go. You need to enjoy your retirement.
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My brother and I are retired and bought a house together several years ago. We have been extremely close all our lives. We have similar interests, but at the same time we are different in our thinking about things in general, usually laughing at our differences and always growing closer. She moved in with us and my brother turned into something so surprising. Despite the fact we've had a very similar upbringing, he is the golden one and now he just fawns all over her, desperately getting teenie bits of approval. Don't get me wrong though; Mom is as much of a b***h to him as she is to me. But he sees it ALL as the dementia talking and I see the same mother who has abused me all my life, but now is forgetful and whatever comes with dementia. Too bad. Dementia and narcissism are a nasty combo. She love bombs him, manipulates me. She has just moved into a new AL facility. When the place accepted her a really weird thing happened to me. I felt euphoric. Absolutely euphoric. It freaked me out, the feeling was so strong. I felt like some sort of weird hyper manic person. I was absolutely happy. But between my brother and her reaching her claws back into this house for whatever reason, now I'm just absolutely worn out. My brother wants to take care of her 24/7 but he also says he wants to go back to work full time. So who does that mean would take care of her? Me? No way. Ergo, the biggest sibling fight on the planet. I don't even want her energy in my house, much less her actual self. Her vibe is is demonic and visceral.
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Caregiving is HARD - I once described my mother as a giant suck-hole of need and by the time I was done I had begun to doubt every positive thing in our history, and this was a woman I had considered one of my best friends who was never anything but humble and grateful. IMO no one should ever attempt to care for someone who has proven over a lifetime to be their user and an abuser and shows no remorse or attempt to change, you don't owe her another minute of time. Just as an abused woman is counselled to make a plan the extricate herself and get to a safe place you must do the same - start today.
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