My parents (94 dad and 87 mom). Were in relatively good health until sept of last year then the wheels fell off. Mom fell broke her hip, dad whined for 5 months about "stomach acid" turns out he has congestive heart failure. More falls for both of them, broken ribs and punctured lung for mom, broken wrist for dad. I am an only child 58 years old caught in their death spiral of dementia and whining. I have three teen agers all girls (twin 18 year olds that have been caught drinking and smoking pot) a 20 year old that is in college all the way across the country and a wife with borderline personality disorder. I have come to literally hate my life, I am sick of my parents and their incessant whining, complaining, dementia, (my dad is gonna use his gun to stop anyone trying to break in), the never ending doctors visits with the worst health care possible. My dad in his infinite wisdom signed up for a Humana medicare advantage plan because it was "free". And thats just what he got something that was free. Now he just sits around all day saying "Oh My God what happened to me, Oh my God". And my mom is just goofy, she just points at things and yells give me THAT, I Want THAT, What ever THAT is...IDK These kids are going to go to college and literally every penny of my take home pay is going to go to pay for some stupid college classes that are no different than what these kids took in high school. And the BPD wife complains and whines about everything and tells me what a "bad parent" I have been. How we are "broke". How "terrible" these children are. I used to have dreams and look forward to the future, now I just fantasize about going to the doctor and having him tell me I have cancer so I could just tell him to make me comfortable for whatever time I have. Then I could die, be cast out of this h*ll and the rest of them would have the proceeds of my $1,000,000 life insurance to live off of. I want to get off this ride. I used to want to be fit and healthy, now the people that i see as "lucky" were my aunts and uncles that drank like fish, smoked, had a grand old time. They all had heart attacks and died real quick, no pain, just a quick end to a mostly fun life. I have faced serious adversity in my life, several foot operations, one entire year on crutches, two weeks in icu because I got bleeding ulcers from celebrex ( yes that little warning that was on the bottom of the commercial really was true), but nothing that has caused despair like this. I have read all kinds of articles about "taking care of yourself", about taking "an hour" to recharge. I have had "home health care workers" come in to try and help. All these services do is take your money, as fast as they can. They just throw warm bodies in the house so they can charge a fee. And a rehab center or "assisted living"? If you call leaving someone sit in their own sh*t for 4 hours before you come to clean them up (and not really clean, just no obvious brown) "assisted". Then its great. Its all BS. These problems don't go away, the teenagers and their boyfriends, the college tuition, the borderline wife, the demented old people they are right there when you come back. I have never been in a situation like this before that felt so hopeless. I even thought that putting these words down on paper would help, it has in the past for other things. But this situation, no escape. By the time the teenagers get out of college and the old people die I will be old. I see old, I hate it, I never want to be 93, I don't want my children to come to hate me as much as I have come to hate my parents. I always thought that my parents would get a short illness or have a heart attack and die rather quickly. Instead they have stolen what ever joy they gave me in life and replaced it with dread and hatred. I'm sorry, these aren't my parents, these are just some old relics that lived too long. They listened to everyone, and ate right, didn't drink, didn't smoke, exercised every day. What did it get them? A nice long sentence in h*ll on earth. Sit in your own excrement until someone comes to clean you up (me) then that person has to clean the chairs, the carpets, the clothes, everything. Oh, and then whine and complain about everything. And when I turn there she is, my lovely borederline personality wife telling me how "horrible" our children are, how everyone else has these "perfect" teenagers, what terrible parents we were.

I hate my life. Sorry for this horrible narrative but i still search for a way out. I either need a way out or a cancer diagnosis. Right now because of my life insurance I am woth more dead than alive to everyone...

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Brian I am sorry for your dilemma but you need to get some relief. First off, if one of your daughters commits suicide because you read them the riot act, while it will hurt like h* won't be your fault................I repeat, IT WON'T BE YOUR FAULT! So, get that out of your mind. My sister has a 32 year- old son and a 28 year- old still living with her and Hubs at home. Both of them had drug problems. Stole everything that wasn't attached to something to pay for their drugs. That's what will happen to your daughters if you don't give them some discipline. You'll turn around and they will still be scrounging off of you when they are in their forties.

As far as your wife, well that's tough. Could you file for divorce? Have you considered it? You said you go to Mom and Dad's after they don't live with you? Good, don't let them move in with you. You think it's bad now..............just wait.

Don't borrow trouble by catastrophizing every thing in the future that hasn't happened yet. Live in the moment. Even if the moment is can get through a moment right? In the meantime, make a life plan and stick with it. Don't sit and think about how getting old is going to suck. It might not.

Keep venting on here. We will support you through all this.

Brian, I hope you're still here and I'm sorry I only just saw your thread.

It is BRILLIANT beyond words that you have got all of this off your chest and down on (virtual) paper.

Most men would leave with the first woman who was even vaguely pleasant to them. It would be a catastrophic mistake, mind, but that's what they would do. Then they lose everything. The family in which they've invested so much, the marriage they committed to, the love and trust of their children (once the children have grown up and calmed down a bit), the respect of their communities and, five years or so down the line, the new relationship that proved rather less substantial and a lot more trouble than promised.

Try not to hide at work. It just lowers the marital temperature still further, and are you honestly spending the time productively and impressing your boss? Going home to a scratchy cat does not raise the spirits, I understand, but grit your teeth and do it - you've got to halt and reverse the routine somehow.

Hang in there and it will be worth it. I refer you to Winston Churchill: "when you're going through H*ll, keep going!"

We're here if you want to talk. Hugs to you.

I feel exacally the same most of the time. I have envisioned when driving my parents. Dad 92 mom 84 to drs. Of driving off a bridge and ending it all. Or pulling into traffic. Of course i wont do it but some days it is very tempting.
There has to be light at the end of the tunnel.
Find a good book happy book, im not much help sorry. Im nee on here and in burnout myself. I dont know if you are a christian. But i keep hoping the Lord will come back soon and end all of this. No way do i want to live to be old a senile or have stroke.

Trade school or community college would be good for boys. These kids don't know what they want to do (they just know they want to be like a kardashian). Jobs that pay more than $7.25 per hour are scarce. And most of these jobs (at least the good ones) are taken by older people because that's all they can get. Gas stations pay about $10.00 per hour but you have to work 3rd shift. And in our area ALL drug purchase transactions occur at gas stations. My guess is if they were forced to work they would either become pole dancers or escorts because that's literally all a young girl can do to make more than minimum wage. After spending all the time I have in hospitals, Doctors offices, nursing homes, and healthcare settings I think I would recommend a job as the garbage man before I recommended anything in the healthcare field. And like I said earlier, one of them has already invoked the "nuclear option" when I got tough after discovering the pot. If I crack the whip and one of them ends up as a suicide it would be the worst for me to deal with because I would forever question my actions. They both have jobs but are paid minimum wage and are offered very few hours. They look for other jobs but other than fast food there isn't much available. Go to the grocery store and look around, there aren't many teen agers working there, its all older people. At 18 a persons mind is not developed yet. Their impulse control does not become regulated until they are about 26. It's easy to talk about making teens "tow the line" but the reality of the situation is that most of them are mentally not ready to at the age of 18. I have done a lot of reading on this subject and spoke to several mental health professionals and basically have been told to "cross your fingers and pray". The internet turns these girls into true psychopaths. If the world was like it is today with these stupid phones, facebook, instagram, snapchat, when I was contemplating becoming a parent, there is no way I would have ever had kids. When I had kids I was thinking things would be the way they were when I grew up, one phone in the kitchen, leave it to beaver on TV, like that. And since I was an only child I never experienced the terror of a teenage girl. I think hitting your hand with a hammer is more pleasant then dealing with them. I almost look forward to spending all my money on college just so they won't be in the house anymore, no more make up, no more drama, no more boyfriends, only my borderline wife complaining about everything. If I get up in the morning and make a pot of coffee she listens to see if she thinks I "wash my hands" before I make coffee. After all I spend all night "grabbing myself" as she tells me. I laugh, I turn on the water splash a little, and open and close the cabinet door where the towel is hung so she thinks I wash my hands before I make the coffee. I never do it, it's like the only smile I have every day.

brianpk, oh I know that feeling, I felt doom as I was also an only child and I was doing everything. Did this for 7 years, so don't get on that roller coaster. Luckily you found this website now, I only found the website a couple years back.

I was ready to buy a helmet to wear so I wouldn't hurt myself banging my head on the wall.

Ok, get a piece of paper and write down everything, and I mean everything you do for your parents, no matter how simple it is. Now, cross off half the items on your list... now cross off a couple more. Stick to that list, and when the folks ask for help on something not on the list, just say "sorry, I just can't possibly do that".

We tend to enable our parents to continue to live their lifestyle in their own home, while we need to change our own. Oh how I wished I knew I could have set up boundaries. It's hard to say "no". They both went into that downward spiral, too. Then dementia started to show up... oh great. So I learned as much about dementia as I could to help keep the sanity. Good info at the bottom of this page, the blue area, click on ALZHEIMER'S CARE.

Both of my parents had excellent care when my Mom needed skilled nursing care she went to long-term-care, and my Dad had in-home caregivers around the clock for while then he moved to Assisted Living/Memory Care and loved it there.

I agree with the other writers above, time for the younger girls to think about community college or trade school or work full time to earn money for college.

My wife will not get help. I have been seeing a therapist for years. The only reason I have stayed is because the kids would have had to spend two weeks a month with her no matter what. BTW she calls my therapist "my girlfriend". When we put the hammer down on the teen twins for the drugs and pot one of them pulled a suicide attempt. I now have her in counseling (she lies to the therapist in order to further her agenda). I would pull the rug out from under them however since the "nuclear option" has already been invoked, I fear that any harsh actions on my part might provoke a successful attempt this time. That is one I would have a tough time with in the future because I would always question my actions. Would my 'tough love" be too much? I have never been able to parent like I wanted too because of the borderline wife. I was a lot softer than I wanted to be because she was truly mean to the kids. I found out after they were teenagers that when they were little kids (8-10 years old) she would yell and scream at them during the day (she was a stay at home mom, ""all she ever wanted to do was be a mom" ) and if they really p*ssed her off she would get in the car and drive away pretending to "abandon" them. They told me how they would stand in the front room window and cry hoping that she would return. Had I known this was happening at the time I would have pulled the plug immediately. I didn't find out about this until they were about 15. So my wife is mean, ( I have been celibate for at least the last 10 years), my kids are screwed up, and now I have two old demented people to care for with no help. I was dealing with the wife / kids part ok until the boyfriends came along. They turned the girls to literally h*ll on wheels. Everyone always talks about how tough it is to have "babies", well I got news for them, babies are nothing compared to teenage girls and old people. I just don't see an out. I stay at work late just so I don't have to go home and listen to my wife complain. Last night I went home and went to bed before anyone else got home. I am thinking about going home and going directly to bed tonight (after of course going by my parents, washing the dishes, throwing out all the diapers and pee, cleaning up all the messes, making tomorrows lunch, making sure everyone takes their pills and anything else that needs doing.) I truly have come to hate my life.

In agreement with MsMadge. The "college" education is great taking transfer courses in a community college.
In return for living arrangements provided for the now "adults" in your home, they can give you 4 hours of actual work per day, thereby easing your burdens.
No one gets free college while drinking and smoking pot.
A grade-point average requirement also applies before investing in your kids college. My grandchildren worked part-time throughout college and were still privileged.

Get your wife some help, go with her. Even though she is right about the teens? You both need to resolve the stress she cannot handle with the parents.
You count too, but this has become out of control, and you are not a victim, imo. Tough love, step up to the responsibilities if you are able.
1) You
2) Wife
3) Your own family
4) Parents-move them out
Before all of them are tempted to spend that million dollar policy. No one has to die to fix this.

You are just the right age to make this happen.
We care.

You are a stand up guy

When I'm overwhelmed I limit what I do

1. You don't need to provide an expensive college education for your kids
If they don't qualify for financial aid then they go to community college and transfer to a state college in their junior year
Liberal arts study doesn't provide a payback for the cost of a private 4 year degree

2. What financial assets do your parents have to monetize for their care ?
As an only child get legal help and POA if you don't already have it

It's a struggle to keep someone with dementia at home
My near 94 year old mom is now in memory care and I have caregivers with her 12 hours a day
She still falls and still gets UTIs from being in soiled diapers
Your situation is not unique but it still sucks how poor elder care is

3. Can't your parents change their Medicare supplement ?

4. Maybe call your county agency on aging and ask for a needs assessment for your folks - they may balk but you will end up in a crisis with another fall and hospitalization

If your dad does indeed have a gun then get it out of the house now 

Finally, things will change and what is difficult now maybe easier later 

Do not despair 

Come back to vent 

Sounds like serious burn-out, and beyond. Do these elderly folks live with you? You have got to find something that excites you and gives you respite from it all. I don't know if that's going to the gym, going to drop a fishing line in the water. Whatever it is, you badly need to go do it, and frequently.

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