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My brother and I went Sunday to visit the assisted living facility. It was very nice. It was clean and the elderly were interacting with each other. We saw them eating at the dining hall and we saw different kinds of assisted living apartments. One bedroom and a couple different studio apartments. The gentleman that talked to both of us was very nice and answered our questions. I walked out of there feeling hopeful. We then went to my mother's house. We went inside and she was sitting on the chair in the kitchen with all the clutter around her. She was surprised and happy to see my brother. After a little chit chat back and forth my brother told her she had to go to assisted living. You can’t live this way he said. We went on to tell her about the facility we visited. She said I’m not going anywhere. I’m happy in my own house. I am going to die in my own house. That ended our conversation with her. We said our goodbyes and left. In the car my brother said everything you have all told me all along. He said you can’t change her, there is nothing you can do to make her change her mind, go to work and call 911 for her when she needs it, and only go there once a week with the mail and take out garbage. If she is snotty to me, then LEAVE!

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I hate it when people sneak off and leave on this site. They are like family!!!!
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Oh no!! Who is anonymous and left?? Is it Dollyme???? I loved all her comments!!
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You’re very welcome, Elaine 💗.
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Oh my goodness!! She thank you all of you for your support!!! Thank you Dollyme, Barbbrooklyn, lealonnie, Needhelpwithmom, cherokeegrrl, countrymouse!!! Thank you all for letting me lean on you. I always feel better when I come on this aging forum site!!! I meant to say thank you all for your support!!!
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You and your brother are now a team. I certainly agree with him, let her go, don't engage her, there is nothing that can be done with her. Sending support your way!
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Elaine, the upside of all this is that you and your brother are allies in this awful hell that your mom's mental illness has created AND you have a plan for WHEN (not if) your mom needs placement.

Keep the numbers for the rehabs in your phone. You are going to need them at a moment's notice. You might consider touring them as well.

Well done!
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You just can't save a person from herself, that's the bottom line. If your mother only understood just HOW selfish and thoughtless she truly IS, she'd probably be quite shocked. People like this have no idea the pain & suffering they impose on their loved ones........they're just too self-absorbed to see past the tips of their own noses. Sad but true.

I'm glad you have your brother to talk to and to understand the magnitude of what you're dealing with. While he can't fix it either, he CAN commiserate with you and the two of you can lean on one another for support. Oh, and US too!!!

We love you Elaine. And I'm sending you a giant hug of support right now. Just know you've already gone above & beyond the call of duty as a daughter here.
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Elaine. I have been following your saga with your mom for a long time now and i must say, there have been times recently my heart broke in two for all she is putting you through. I am so happy for you that your brother came to visit and told yalls mom whats up. Now it is all on her....just do what you can snd live your life free from guilt, please.....blessings to you. Liz
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Yes, they are familiar with it all. The man at the facility sounds wonderful and was thoughtful and helpful. It wasn’t a waste of time. It was a good idea to check out what the facility had to offer. It was a plan to help your mom. It’s on her now. You and your brother did your part. You know that. Your brother knows it too.
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Needhelpwithmom, when my brother and I said our goodbyes I was giving him a hug and started crying and he just held me tighter. He told me I did everything I could for her and to let it go. I know he is right. I also have comfort knowing that when my mother has a fall or a stroke she will go to the hospital. The gentleman at assisted living told me to tell the hospital which rehab to send her to( he gave me 3 choices in my area) and he said from rehab we can send her to this facility we just looked at. I have something in place for when that happens. I also felt better talking to the gentleman from the facility that as people get older, they move to one room with there clutter and they don’t go upstairs or to any of the other rooms. They become more and more isolated and afraid when they have shortness of breath so they basically live in one room. He told me a lot of this before I went in detail about my mother. So I’m glad my brother and I went. There turnover rate is very low. People have been there 10 plus years such as the receptionist, maintenance worker, nurses, etc.
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Thanks for caring, Elaine. It means a lot. Your brother on the other hand is a gem!

I get how it is a life long situation with your brother and sister in law about the loss of their child. Nothing is more devastating than that.

I can’t imagine how painful that is. It is heartbreaking for them. I am glad that your brother is coping with such a terrible loss. Having a good therapist is a blessing in our lives.
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Thank you countrymouse and Needhelpwithmom for your thoughtful comments. I know I am truly lucky to have my brother. He stays away from her for his own well being. I don’t blame him at all. My brother is 9 years older than me and has always been there for me emotionally and helped me financially when I was down and out many years ago. He lost his own son at the tender age of 21 back in 2003. My sister n law has never recovered from it. I don’t blame her. I don’t think I could recover either. My brother still sees a therapist but he has truly bounced back and enjoys life because life is so very short. Needhelpwithmom, I am so sorry that you don’t have a relationship with your brothers. I know that if they are toxic you can’t have a relationship with them. Thank you for all of your prayers and hugs.
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That’s exactly right, CM. So true! He’s a terrific brother.
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💐 for your brother, for backing you up and being your friend.
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Well, Elaine your brother obviously sees what you go through. He agrees with you. He didn’t tell you anything new but it is nice to have brotherly love and support. I am happy for you in that regard. I never had that with my brothers. As you know my brothers and I no longer have a relationship. Not that we had much of a relationship before.

You know that you have done everything possible and my heart breaks for you and your brother, as well as your mom because she could be in a better place and be cared for as she should be.

If she cooperated then you and your brother could breathe a sigh of relief but she won’t do it. I can’t say that I am surprised. It’s typical behavior for her. I wanted to have hope and I have prayed for for all of you. I will continue to pray.

Sometimes I feel like God is sleeping but I know he isn’t. He gave us all a brain to use and free will. Unfortunately, your mom is using her free will to cause harm to herself and to make you and your family miserable. She certainly isn’t using her brain. I still wonder if she is just stubborn, some people are incredibly stubborn or if she isn’t capable of thinking clearly due to some type of mental illness.

I hate to speak badly about your mom to you but I truly feel like she is being selfish by only wanting to please herself and not giving a rat’s azz about her children who sincerely care about her wellbeing. I hardly know what else to say. What else is there to say? Nothing, but to say I am so sorry for all of your frustration. I really am.

All you can do now is wait for the other shoe to drop and I truly hope that your mom doesn’t suffer due to her not placing herself in a safe environment. This must be like going through hell for all of you. It would be horribly frustrating and painful to me.

It’s hard to accept because regardless of her not respecting your feelings, you are still concerned for her. I get that. I know that you don’t want any harm to come to her. I wouldn’t dare tell you not to let it bother you because how can it not be disturbing to you. It’s a heavy load to carry. Very heavy indeed always weighing you down. Again, I am so sorry. A million hugs for you. 💗
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