Mom is back in the hospital. I talked to her for awhile. She is still in the ER with the same symptoms. I told her that I have to go to work tonight because we are really busy. She said that’s ok. I left a message for her primary doctor to call me back.
I get that. I have things that I will take to my grave about my brother because he was my brother. So I totally respect your privacy.
It’s odd, isn’t it? Sometimes we are able to talk about certain things. Other times, I can’t say a thing. I am overwhelmed with memories and I am afraid to take the cork off.
That’s when I always go for a long walk or something physical. I’ve always done that. There is something to the release of endorphins. It was a Godsend for me to ride my bicycle for miles.
I was never the mom who sat on the bench at the playground with my kids. I climbed more trees, would swing next to them, went down more slides, etc.
Maybe I was still a kid at heart. Or maybe a second childhood of sorts because so much of my childhood was stolen due to my brother.
My favorite way to chill out is a nice hot bath. I’ve always found it fascinating watching documentaries about other places to live and have been so envious of people who live in areas with hot springs to relax in.
There is something about water too. I heard a psychologist say once that warm water is like a warm hug. I agree! I have always joked that in a past life I was a mermaid!
My favorite Mardi Gras costume as a kid was a Gypsy. I was a dreamer. I loved Geography in school, learning about different places and would dream of moving around like a gypsy did! Hahaha
I think all of us who were raised by perfectionist mothers have a rebellious side! Hahaha. Remember the movie, Chocolat?
Oh my gosh! I could have been the lead character in that movie. I so relate to how she lived. Who wouldn’t have fallen in love with the river rat gypsy? Johnny Depp should have had a bigger part in that movie 😊.
Enough rambling, sorry...
A quote about detaching with love from https://www.bpdcentral.com/blog/?Detaching-With-Love-from-a-Borderline-or-Narcissist-27
"Detaching with Love" is your own version of that saying. (A crisis on your part does not necessarily mean a crisis on my part.) It does the same thing: keep your own life from becoming a series of BPD-related crises. In this case it means, "I care about you, but I recognize that you must make your own choices in life. I can love you, but I can't live your life for you. I can point you in the right direction, but I can't push you down the path."
Our love and prayers are with you.
need - I have had a flood of memories this week and some tears with them. It is all part of healing.
You are stronger than you think you are. All of us know that and can see it. You have dealt with so much and held up. I don’t know that I could have held it together. The hoarding would have driven me crazy. I hate clutter.
I hope that things will turn around as soon as the can. I’m so sorry that you have to put up with all that you do.
I cry too. It is part of healing. Well, a natural part of our emotions.
I was wondering how long it would be before they would refuse to see her. The problem with this (NOT your problem) is what happens when she really does need help? One of our UK friends has a dad who uses the docs/ambulance service to elicit reaction/sympathy from his son, but I don't think your mother is doing this - for some reason she is having anxiety attacks and those CAN make it feel like you can't breathe! Problem though, in both cases, is if/when they refuse to see them - I understand it is using up their capabilities, for naught most of the time, but that time will eventually come! Did they even offer any anti-anxiety meds to your mom?
Instead of trying to talk with APS on the phone, can you set up an appt with them? In person might be a better way to approach this. Write down a list of all the issues (medical and physical), and if possible print copies of the mess, and anything else that applies, like her refusal to move to AL or have help come in, plus the comments from that person in the FD about the house, both times!
Provide the list, tell them every doctor and other medical provider says she is competent, yet now refuse to see her if she's having trouble breathing (anxiety or not.) Try to be calm while relating the details, if the list isn't sparking any interest. Don't be surprised if you don't even elicit a raised eyebrow, but if you can provide that list and try to remain composed while providing more details, they might not look at you as being the problem... Sometimes easier said than done, but at least try.
I haven't dealt with them, but I have read the ho-hum responses others have related. I suspect more than likely the "competent" is going to have a huge impact, and then their hands are tied too - they can go there, assess things, make suggestions, but if she says no, as she has to the SW and doc, they will tidy up the report and close it.
Be prepared for that - don't let their apathy or tied hands (they can't really do any more than the doc/ER) upset you. If you DO gain ground, great! You can rejoice. ALL of this just may have to wait for that inevitable fall or other medical crisis.
(To add a little more perspective:
The staff in mom's MC told me they can't force any residents to take meds, go to ER, get medical treatment, and these people DO have dementia! Even the EC atty told me we couldn't force mom to move, even though she had dementia! So, given they all say mom is competent, you are fighting a huge losing battle! This is all about an individual's "rights", competent or not. As with so many things in life, the pendulum swings completely one way and then the other, it can't find the middle ground. This leaves many of us between the proverbial rock and a hard place.)
My mother had stopped driving at night, but when she felt she had a UTI, instead of going during the day she would call for ambulance, then much later call YB for a ride home. You know how it is in the ER, it takes time to get seen if you aren't bleeding all over the place or in cardiac arrest, so it would be in the wee hours!
This was before dementia. I tried to explain to her that this isn't an emergency and she's taking services away from someone who might need it. Her response? My insurance pays for it. AUGH!
Any thoughts or heard anything about perhaps getting her some anti-anxiety meds, if she would take them? If I recall correctly, there was something suggested for Afib, but she declined - if so, she may refuse any medications. If she's in a more lucid frame of mind, perhaps someone can explain that this could solve her "breathing" problem.
Your mom is relentless. Isn’t she? It’s emotionally exhausting to deal with all of her issues.
I am glad that you aren’t running over there every five minutes. You couldn’t survive if you did that. You would have no life of your own if you continuously catered to all of her needs.
I wish that she would surrender and accept that she truly needs to be living in a facility.
It would have killed you had you continued to constantly give her all of your spare time. As it is, she causes you enough grief.
I do understand because we would like nothing more than to think the absolute best of them but when parents won’t cooperate they leave us no other choice but to set boundaries.
What always killed me was they truly can’t see that they cause their own grief. They blame everyone else. They won’t accept responsibility for their stubbornness. Some elderly people can be nonconformist.
Your number one responsibility is yourself and your own family.
I keep hoping and praying that it will turn around for you. Looks like it will take a miracle for that to happen! She is frail but tough at the same time, isn’t she? I hope I never get like that. I don’t ever want to be a burden to my kids.
My husband’s grandma was like that. She drove everyone nuts! I learned to tune her out. She had to have some sort of mental illness but she refused to see a psychiatrist. She would always say that she couldn’t help how she felt.
We tried to tell her that medication may help her but she was not willing to try. So, she lived her life in complete misery and drove her husband nuts. Divorce wasn’t common then. He was devout Catholic and would not get a divorce. Sad. Her famous line was that no one understood her.
All those who want to volunteer, take one step forward (everyone but the newest and/or clueless one takes one step back....) :-P
I had to laugh when I read your comment. I could just picture them all arguing about it, no No, I went last time, it's your turn!
My daughter works dispatch in a small town. They do get 911 calls from people who aren't all "there", been kidnapped, etc, but have to go check it out. I'm sure there are attempts at coin toss, drawing straws, etc, or if she puts the call out, how many are "busy" and don't respond back, mainly for the repeat calls...
Anyway, I am sorry to read your update today. :( It's absolutely infuriating what's going on and I feel like screaming FOR you. I don't have any brilliant advice for you, either, because let's face it, there IS no brilliant advice! The powers that be have made their decision here and that's that. Sigh.
I have a good friend who lives in NJ. Her mother lives alone, is legally blind, can't walk, is 90% deaf and refuses hearing aids, and is now in rehab after having minor surgery. Her mother is mentally competent as well........so she's praying to God they won't release her back to her own home after rehab b/c that illusion of 'independence' is just a big fat joke. Her children are breaking their backs cleaning up all of her messes at home, including fecal incontinence, so I was talking to her today about the phrase 'unsafe discharge'. Hopefully she won't run into the same nonsense you have run into. Her mother is physically falling apart, however, unlike yours.
Something is definitely broken in our system, isn't it?
It’s kind of a catch 22 system. A nurse told me that if they aren’t able to report improvement then insurance won’t pay for the treatment. So, this leaves people between a rock and a hard place. Very sad.
You are so right. Even with all of the facts, they make crazy decisions only to be told by the ‘so called’ professionals that they are competent!
Anyway, I managed *by the grace of God* to get both of them into an ALF nearby so they could remain together, in spite of my mother not liking him very much, HE adored HER, for some unknown reason.
I will never forget him waiting in the hallway for her in his wheelchair the day she moved into the ALF. The look on his face was like he had won the lottery. Makes me want to cry. And to this day, she won't even SPEAK of him; it's like he never existed after 68 yrs of marriage.
Some of these old people should do ‘energizer bunny’ commercials! LOL
"I said what about if she has her mind and is bedridden or wheelchair bound? Can I get her into a facility? Technically, no."
As I've noted, even WITH dementia, EC atty told us we CAN'T force mom to move (actually he said we can't "drag her out of the house", but I get the intent.)
We had all the paperwork (will, trust, POAs, etc, none of which give us the "right" to dictate what she does with her life), but in the end it is a person's RIGHTS that override (I have read that even guardianship can be limited - the courts want to ensure the person as much autonomy as they deem is possible!)
If something bad happens with your mom, they can't come back on you - she's considered "competent." Hopefully nothing bad will happen. If something were to happen to our mother, when she was living alone and we were aware of her cognitive issues, I am sure some person, APS or other, would be up our butts with a scope wanting to know why we didn't 'intervene'. Maybe because all this BS about "rights" is so out of control that we can't make a single move!
I'm not saying it should be a cake-walk, it shouldn't, but it is ridiculous when someone doesn't have enough sense to seek help or even tell us when they injure their leg, an injury which would have been life-threatening, and they say I have no right to determine where she lives? Thankfully we were able to fudge the move (facility said no to guardianship and told me just get her there, they'd do the rest.) YB was able to fool her with a fake letter from 'Elder Services'. We should NOT have to do this.
In your case, elaine, your hands are way more tied than ours were. But, she's been out and about, no calls to 911 (sign of relief from the EMTs?), sounds like she was pleasant enough.... Take the good times when you can!
Yes, any of the treatment. Rehab and home health. That’s what the head nurse told me. It’s sad.
Indeed it was by the ‘grace of God’ that you got help for your dad. That is so sad. Clearly, he needed help! I don’t get how these things operate. It certainly gets complicated and confusing.
Miracles do happen and I too believe in asking for the intercession of others when needed! I have done it many times and always will. I have seen miracles in my lifetime too.