I give up.

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I give up. I’m not talking about the stuff I’ve previously given up on: ever being happy, ever going on a vacation, ever getting that puppy I wanted, ever getting a descent job, ever having another human being love me romantically, ever having renovations done on the 39-year-old house I’ve lived in all that time (but it’s not my house), or ever getting help with my father. I’m talking about giving up on trying to get my father to change his clothes. I’ve been told it’s my fault that he hasn’t used soap or shampoo consistently in more than two years, that he no longer brushes his teeth, that he won’t change his clothes, that his finger nails are half an inch long. He won’t let me help him. He has undiagnosed FTD. He just cares about nothing. He won’t let me hire someone. His psych nurse says, “You look awful” and “You need help” but she never says how that can be done against his will. He finished his cognitive testing almost two weeks ago, and not a peep from them. Anyway, last Friday, I put relatively clean clothes where he dumps his dirty clothes, and he did change for the first time in a month. So, I told him, I will put the cleaner clothes there for a changing every Saturday morning, and I did get a “Ya” out of him. This morning, he had not changed. It would be just as easy to put the clean clothes on as the dirty. After asking about three times with no response, he finally raised his voice a little (which he hasn’t done in a while but he loved to yell most of his life) and said, “Because they’re not that dirty!” Ok, I don’t care what they look like, if you haven’t changed your clothes in a week, and you don’t use soap or shampoo, and you don’t brush your teeth, and you stink like a rotting corpse, and you don’t even use toilet paper anymore, those clothes need changing. So, come arrest me for neglect but I’m not ripping the clothes off of him. I officially give up.

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I really feel for you. My mom was also very stinky and didn't allow me to help her until her dementia worsened significantly. Now I am able to get her washed and get a home health aide in to help a couple of times a week. I wonder if part of the problem is the fact that you are a female. If your brother would help maybe then your father would relent a bit...maybe not. You are doing the best you can and that's all you can do. You could try taking away the dirty clothes every day so they aren't available to put back on. That's my only suggestion. I wish you the best
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If he has severe mental illness then you can pursue guardianship.
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He doesn't care enough to clean himself up for appointments anymore. So, yes, they see him in his true state, completely filthy, smelly, unshaven, and unkept with feces on his pants. His psych nurse when she last saw him said, "You look awful." She told him he needs help. He says he doesn't, and nobody presses the issue. He has severe anosognosia (look that up). I got him to a primary care doctor about two months ago which was his first time to one in about 5 years. He had refused to go before until the nurse told him he had to. The doctor is a geriatrician, and he was my mom's doctor so I thought he'd be the best. She would always do tons of research. Yet, this doctor barely skimmed the plethora of problems my father might or does have. Dad's bloodwork was pretty good for his condition. His blood pressure was dangerously low but the other noted problems were not major. We see the PCP again in 3 weeks, and trust me, I have a running list!
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There is something wrong with him because doing things like refusing to use soap and shampoo and wearing filthy clothes are not acceptable in our society. They are indications of self neglect. And self neglect indicates serious cognitive decline.

Unless your father has always been this way, which I doubt, he likely has some form of dementia/cognitive decline. Brain scans don't show everything. In fact, the brain, how it works, and how it malfunctions, are still not well understood.

That said, if you have a video camera, I would document his condition, both of his person and his bedroom. Bring them to his next doctor's appointment. And that raises the question of how does he present himself at the doctor? Does he go to the doctor all stinky or what? And what kind of doctor does he have? Is it a geriatrician?

Your prayers are being answered...you found this forum, didn't you?
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I cannot ship him off because nobody has agreed that there is anything wrong with him or that he is not competent. In fact, they've said that he is. My hands are tied. As for my animals, only an old cat and an old rabbit are what you might consider suffering because they're old and decrepit. Most of the animals are happy and healthy. None of my prayers have ever been answered. My mother was the most willful person who has ever existed. If anyone could have given a sign from an afterlife, she would have done it. I keep telling her to do something but nothing. She claimed her mother's ghost visited her. Did I mention, my mom was a little nuts?!
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Zombie better to be alive and in pain than non-existent? I think you should ship your father off to an assisted living facility and let them deal with him. Then you can keep your house and your animals etc. Please don't let your animals suffer. You may think it's better to be alive and in pain but I doubt they do.

I believe in an afterlife. This life here on earth is just the appetizer. Don't worry, I'm not going to try and convert you. People on here have given you good suggestions. Open your mind.
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It's ok Marinamarie, I never said I was suicidal. I said "I give up" with regards to getting my father to change his clothes not "I give up" on my own life. My father's mother put a shotgun in her mouth when my father went off to college. Her brother and my mother's father's only sibling also killed themselves. I don't really believe in an afterlife. I say with regards to my animals that it's better to be alive and in pain than non-existent. My animals (if nobody else) need me.
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Zombie--PLEASE hang in there. I understand and empathize with your pain. Although I am not actively suicidal I often think my demise will be the only way out of the situation of caring for an elderly parent. This is not the way nature intended. Please use this forum (definitely helps sharing, and we DO care), I admire your dedication of caring. Please send me a message and I will talk to you. We are here to help others. Please DO NOT give up. No storm lasts forever. Sounds like you are in middle of hurricane. Please reach out. We need you.
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Can you go to a thrift store, buy a whole bunch of clean clothes resembling the clothes he wears, and throw the old ones away? Can you assert yourself and do what cwillie suggests with the laundry basket? And you can soak your dad's clothes in a bucket with pine soap for 20 minutes or longer before washing them when feces is involved.
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Sorry, I missed that comment about sneaking into his room. You don't need to sneak, knock on the door, breeze in with a laundry basket, gather and leave. If you do it often enough it should just become commonplace, no big deal.
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