My mom is 88 with dementia/Alzheimer's. My dad is 93 and just starting to get forgetful. I go there every night to give her Seroquel and get ready for bed. She was very tired and shaky tonight. Put her in bed and I couldn't get her adjusted right and said I pushed her. She started yelling at me and crying then my dad started yelling at me. He said I yelled at her and I told him that it was ok when he yelled at her because he has no patience. He told me to get out and started banging my mother's walker and the kitchen chair and screamed for me to get out. My mother then started to get out of bed to yell at him and I tried to tell him that I wanted her to stay in bed. I was at my breaking point and as I was leaving said he was a mean old man. After I locked the screen door he came over and slammed the inside door shut. I was crying and shaking driving home. I called one of my mother's caregivers and asked her to call them because I was worried. She texted me that he said they were calm and fine. I think they're tired of me since they see me every night and about 5-6 hours every Saturday. My sister goes on Sunday for all of 3-4 hours. I quit trying to share info with her because she doesn't act like she cares. I do their meds, bills, paperwork, trips to labs and Drs appt and grocery shop for them. She went on a vacation last week and didn't tell me. I get no support from her because she said she doesn't want to hear negativity. My son and husband are seeing finally what this is doing to me. I don't know where to turn sometimes. I get no enjoyment from anything because I know I have to stop by 7 to go there. I will feel guilty if I get someone to go there at night. And I feel like my sister hates me. We need to be on the same page. We are the only two children. I am becoming very bitter towards her. I guess I'm just venting. anyone else relate?
Are there caregivers with them? If so, keep your distance.
Since sister doesn't seem to be very involved nor interested in helping you that much, why not come to an agreement to obtain some actual around the clock help for your parents. That way, when sister doesn't show up or isn't available, it won't be a problem, because professionals will be there to provide the care.
With two seniors who are in their 80's and 90's in the house alone, one has dementia and one is getting memory problems, I'd be stressed too. I'd try to get support from professionals and other family members if possible. Some people just aren't able or willing to help. It might be less stressful to adjust your expectations of her.
I look forward to seeing what happens. I hope you can get some help.
That sounds about right. The stress, guilt, resentment towards the parents and the sibling, feeling alone and depressed. All signs of burnout. If we don't get help we go down the tubes too.
I related to what you wrote. It took me back to when my mom was alive and I was trying to help her in their home and even though my dad would ask for my help he would put up a barrier to getting my mom the real help she needed. It drove me crazy. I lost a lot of weight from the stress. I had never been through anything so stressful in my life. I wanted it to end but it just wouldn't. It was everyday all day and I was sinking.
Have you asked your sister to put in more time? With my and my brother, I thought my brother just knew I needed help and I was resentful that I wasn't getting his help. He, on the other hand, thought if I needed help I would ask. Talk about a breakdown in communication! When we finally cleared the air we became effective partners in caring for our parents and it brought us closer together. So I ask, does your sister know you need help?
You said your mother has caregivers? Do they not go over to your mom's house each night to get her ready for bed? You said you would feel guilty if you didn't go each night. Is it because you think it's your duty to go over there? I hope you'll put some thought into letting the caregiver do it. Maybe just once or twice a week? I won't tell you to not feel guilty but you've got the caregivers, why not use them when you need them?
This is a great place to vent and I'm glad you did. We all know how difficult it is. I hope you continue to come back and vent.