I find myself getting upset/sad/mad/ and depressed over my husband's leaving sooner than me.

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My husband was placed in home hospice 6/16, into a facility 5 months ago. My time left with him is no one's idea. I find myself getting upset/sad/mad/ and depressed over his leaving sooner than me. I won't have anyone to take care of me when I'm unable to care for myself. Now mom is there. I have her power of attorney and am trying to get her paperwork in order. She has assets but it will not pay for the rest of her life somewhere. Meantime my only younger sister has serious mental issues. She moved in with mom 5 years ago and immediately began rescuing cats from traps in alley and bringing them in moms home against her wishes. She has been verbally/emotionally/financially and physically abusive to her. She won't move out on her own now that she has Social Security, and the house now has no electricity. She freely uses mom's car which now is not insured, doesn't pay toll bills while driving it, and is a real barrier to my getting stuff done. She was dragging 89 year old mom with mobility problems all over the state while she drove mom's car trying to find a hospital to give her pain meds. Didn't lift a finger to help her in any way. Sorry this is the wrong place, but I did sign up through my facebook account and was typing but your screen changed and I cannot find it now.

5 Comments

I'm so sad that your husband is dying! That's a lot to cope with, and it feels to me as though he should certainly be your main focus right now. That, and taking care if yourself.

It sounds as though your mother is being abused and /or endangered by your mentally ill sister. Have you called Adult Protective services in their locale to alert them to this fact? It sounds as though both your mother and sister need professional care, which you are neither equpped to or obligated to provide. 

Don't let anyone tell you that you are obligated to take on their issues.
It seems to me that Barb has this exactly right. Your focus needs to be on your husband, and your own well-being. Your mother clearly needs help too, but there's too much resistance to you providing it. I think you need to call Adult Protective Services and ask them to investigate and intervene in your mother's situation.
I contacted Adult Protective Services years ago and they won't talk to me, not even after she got into a facility.
It sounds like you have your husband and mother in the same facility. Is that correct?
You have DPOA for your mom and you are worried about how she will pay for her care. Right?

“Now mom is there. I have her power of attorney and am trying to get her paperwork in order. She has assets but it will not pay for the rest of her life somewhere. ”

Go to a certified elder attorney. Perhaps the one who prepared the DPOA. Have him advise you on your best course of action. Perhaps you need to evict the sister to put the house on the market?  Perhaps the lawyer will say since she has lived there five years caring for your mom she has a right to remain? Go find out and put that worry down so you can focus on your husband. Perhaps the lawyer can advise you on your own financial future as well and you will feel more secure.
I’m sorry that you are having such a rough time.
It is very normal to feel all the emotions you describe. You will feel better when you take positive action. Your sister does sound ill. Allow the attorney to guide you.
I’m sorry for your husbands illness.
I do feel better when I get something positive accomplished!!! Thank you!

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