Finally, my sister has acknowledged she cannot do everything for Mom now as even she cannot lift Mom who fell two nights ago and has a sore toe and maybe a sore shoulder. But the sore shoulder may be from us going under her arms with are arm pits to lift her up. That was even difficult with two of us doing it. But Mom did not want the firemen to come nor go to the Kaiser ER, especially on a Friday night. She went on a Friday before 17 years ago and ended up with an emergency colostomy which she blames all her troubles since then on. To make it more dramatic, Mom just turned 89 today so it is her Birthday! I know she doesn't want to be in Kaiser Hospital as I am sure they would admit her for a day at least to evaluate her so when my sister said she would still come home the same night, I told her to please not promise that to Mom. Mom didn't want to go anyway which I surmised. So, it things worsen, Mom can always go via not siren sounding ambulance, but at least she will get to wake up in her own bedroom on her birthday and then that decision can be made. If her primary doc insists upon it, then maybe Mom will listen. Then it won't be my sister insisting upon it alone. Maybe her primary doc can allow her to have hospice at home instead. It is all up to God and Mom did get the sacraments today so I told her to just be at peace tonight.

I will go over at 3 am if I am called to help change Mom's diaper. I am willing to do things to help Mom but I cannot lift her to places as she won't use belt. She would need a Hoyer lift but doesn't want her bedroom to change and believe me, it would have to change. So something does need to really change here and I think now my sister and Mom really do understand that. It is not a happy, but it is realistic.

As always, thanks for listening. I will help making calls to find out what hired help would look like if Mom stays home as my sister needs help and now knows that too.

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Snowy, the sooner that you and your sister let Mom go into ER and refuse to take her home, have her placed, the better. Your sister has Melanoma. That is a serious and potentially DEADLY cancer. Her stress levels of cortisol, which feeds cancers, have to be very high. You do not want to do this care in your home on your own. Your sister cannot do it either.
There is going to be no amount of day to day struggle that is going to help this, and in fact one of you three will end up injured badly. Must it go that far for you to recognize that this cannot go on?
I am so sorry for all you are going through, but you are going to HAVE TO understand that this cannot now continue to go on.
And this has absolutely ZERO to do with "how Mom is acting". Mom is very ill. So is your sister. This is about limitations. If you do not both recognize your limitations someone is going to be badly hurt here.

Snowy, it is a blessing that your sister has finally realized she cannot be a slave to your mother. However, I think you know things MUST change all around. Saying or writing you’re going to make changes and actually doing it are 2 different things. Mom rules your roost and she cannot do so any longer. Sister is not in good shape and if you let Mom, she will run Sister so far “into the ground” health wise, Sister will not recover. You and Sister should not be lifting your mother. I said that to you in a previous post. You need a Hoyer lift—Mom’s saying she doesn’t want one doesn’t matter here. My own home looks like a medical equipment showroom. Mom has no choice. A therapist will come out and show you how to use it.

You've given much thought to “what if’s” about if this happens and that happens you will do this or do that. So, ok. Put these plans into effect. As was said previously, if Mother and Sister don’t cooperate, explain to them that you will not stand by making plans and ideas while they don’t go along with anything you want to do. It’s not an easy thing to do, but either is standing by and “spinning your wheels” while Mom and Sister do exactly as they please.

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