I feel so horrible but don't want to do some things.

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My dad's home health help has quit or can't come. He won't hire an agency because one treated him bad years ago. He hasn't had a bowel program this week. I am going down tomorrow. I have bathed my dad when needed, changed clothes, all of those things. But the bowel program is not something I want to do. I know my dad changed my diapers, I've changed my kids diapers. I will do my best. My dad feels bad but feels like he is going to poop his pants. My dad has a spinal cord injury. I will do what is needed but sometimes I wish things were different.

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I've worked in a nursing home and I noticed it was a topic of discussion by staff of the residents' reaction to the assistance rather than the act itself. Staff are aware of the discomfort residents experience but the act itself is no big deal. They've "seen it all" but modesty is still the issue.
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I wouldn't leave him or her by themselves, but then if you're 2 hrs. away, kinda hard not to; last resort as someone said is ER, could just leave it at that and hope? he would call if needed; we knew a man who would go for that reason, not sure if he called himself
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Everyone needs to learn how to say NO. Remember, we, the caregivers/family/friends are important, too.
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my second post on this. I hope it helps. One poster said you will be rewarded. I grew with comments about rewards like streets of gold and you're a good girl and make your parents proud. My parents were never proud, if heaven has streets of gold I bet I'd have to scrub and polish them. I made a bad marriage and had two children always telling myself I couldn't support two kids. I waited for them to be grown and got a divorce, graduated got two degrees in 1.5 yrs. Parents were ashamed, never asked why the marriage did not work . I think it is wonderful when people have genuine faith to help them over the rough spots but you always have options. One is to be faithful and give up your options because others expect you to. I think you should find a warm, friendly Nursing assistant LPN, who has taken care of people like your, pay her fairly and tell him you have met this wonderful person who really needs the work
and bring her by. Or tell him you can't do the and you've invited her come by and demonstrate. And let her teach you. If you have the money, go on a two week vacation and pay her to take your place while you're gone.
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SueC1957, Thank you for the information. I didn't know what they were talking about.

I did this for my dad when he was dying of Mesothelioma in 1974. Something you didn't mention is you have to be careful and not hurt the Prostate because it caused him a lot of pain. My dad's mind was pretty well gone at this point, that is why his bowels were paralyzed. He was in this stage only a few weeks and we knew he was at the end of his life. He was on heavy morphine which made him constipated and the cancer was in his bones, so I had to be careful there also.

I don't blame anyone for not doing it. I never thought about hiring someone to do it. If I had, I would have tried to hire it done. In my culture hiring someone was never thought of. Of course back in 1974 a lot of things were different.
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I had this conversation with elder DD a while ago and asked her if necessary could she provide personal care of an intimate nature. She said she would not like it but she could however she would hire people for things like that. Hubby and i have managed to do that for each other.
Unfortunately a very common problem as we age.

Llamalover I don't think it was Mom's olfactory sense that was going. it sounds as though she has or had chronic diarrhea and when the urge suddenly came on she did not have time to get to the toilet. you can't wait you have to run at the first growl.
Explosive poop does go everywhere on the floor up the walls under the toilet seat and many elderly just don't have the strength to clean it up. Mostly it is not deliberate unless they make a habit of finger painting.

A friends MIL comes to mind. When they visited the house smelt of pee and MIL did not wear underwear. i explaned because she was so obese and debilitated she just could not get her pants up and down and on her way to the bathroom just leaked and was something she could not help. Friend was quite shocked she thought MIL was just being lazy.
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I know where you're coming from to some extent. It took me a while to realize that my mother had lost her olfactory sense because I was wiping up the bathroom floor and the toilet seat before I could use it. Also, she was waiting too long to get to the toilet. Phew!
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After being a CG for my wife give or take, 25 years, I found this task to be one of the most emotionally challenging for me. I cannot imagine having to do this with your parent.
Of course, going digital, was a last resort. From mild stool softeners and laxatives to mag cit, nothing worked. Eventually Lactulose, which was eventually effective. But even then, it didn’t work within a reasonable time frame. Eventually, my last resort was the ER. The nurses there, where as not jumping up and down with joy to take this on, were fantastic in their attitude. They kept checking on her until the Lactulose succeeded. I had told the ER how there hadn’t been a BM for a week and that MS was the reason why. With this info, they checked her into the ER and took over. It was medically necessary by their definition, and Medicare handled it.
I don’t know if you’ve been able to get a prescription for Lactulose but I’d check with your doctor. I’d also see if your local ER could be a short term option.
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He is very lucky yo have U, But whn u get to this point - You are the Parent & You just can NOT allow them to make the calls. I tried to run every decision by my Mother in beginning & please her. Tbey just can not comprehend what u are sacrificing / time away from your family & your job. Most elderly are self-adsorbed they just cant understand whats going on in everyone elses life that is put on hold for them. U hv to stop alliwing him to make the decisions. Do what is best for you. If you do not hv POA, seek Guardianship w/Eldercare atty. best of Luck !
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Thanks everyone I really appreciate the support and care. All very good points. Believe me I'm trying. Thank goodness I was able to do what was needed. Not something I want to do to my dad on a regular basis. Thank you it has really helped to talk it out here. Best wishes to everyone to on their journeys.
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