When my mother was in India, our home country, I'd visit her every year in summer for a month. She lived in a very nice senior community (but alas, did not have MC/NH). This was my break from life in America and connect with my schoolmates, even take small tourist trips to explore parts of India with mom's home as a base.
Mom became very forgetful & there was no one in India to supervise her care with aides. The aides would show up late & leave early etc & her care became a nightmare . So I just moved mom over here and we will probably sell her house in the senior community. My inlaws, my extended family are here, husband & kids have no interest in India.
The point of all this is: I so miss visiting India - I spent the first part of my life there. I was 24 yrs when I came to America. It kills me to see other families planning summer trips there, talking about ticket prices etc. I just cannot believe that there's no need for me to go there anymore. I could visit and stay in hotels - when covid is under control -- but it will never be the same as staying with one's family, waving to the milkman, talking to the newspaper guy in our language and the million little things that'd part of the daily life if only mom was there! It breaks my heart to stay in my country as a tourist.
(I'm connected to the Indian community here in my town and attend cultural programs & festivals but it can never makeup the thrill of "flying home" for summer and going back to your roots.)
I'm so angry and in shock that mom's dementia has robbed me of a very cherished experience. I'm also an empty nester now and feeling every loss very acutely.
Even if covid subsides, mom is quite frail now and I doubt she can tolerate the plane journey to India and stay in her senior community like old times.
Thank you for letting me ramble on and vent....I'm very grateful that mom is safe with me, we have our health & home etc..but some days these thoughts are not comforting enough.
Hope you will feel better. If not, keep on venting...
I think that’s what saddens many old people – the loss of their contempories, and the memories that were lost with them. I remember a story about two old men who had always hated each other, but spent time together in old age. Each other was the only link to the past.
Sometimes you can ‘visit’ the past, but you can never go back. Just don’t let it overwhelm you.
Your feelings are in NO WAY stupid.
Dementia is just one grief after another. With the Loved One bafflingly still alive in body!
It's hard to even imagine this horror, if one hasn't experienced it.
Best wishes to you and your Mom.
I know what you mean about this not being part of our plans! I agreed to it but did not ever honestly think about what the future COULD look like. Yikes. If I'd known then what I know now.....things would be soooo much different.
We live in the country, half an hour from EVERYTHING. That can make it very isolating for an elderly person with dementia (or confusion that seems like it).
Thank you for replying.
Good luck to you too during the holiday season.
Your mom's lucky that you were able to move her here and keep her safe. Is she living with you or in a facility of some sort?
You'll be OK.
I read somewhere that "the disease does its things and we have to do the hard work of acceptance." I guess I haven't accepted everything yet.
I hope you find a way to incorporate India back into your live and story. Sending good wishes.