I don't wish this on anyone......elderly care.

ok lastly...Therapy is his next best option and perhaps family group therapy....
what a wonderful idea....but it will cost some money....
I just kinda have a feeling that is the real issue...he don't wanna spend the money on anything!! AND That is what is heartbreaking to us all....
I did not want to destroy my life and spend my entire life savings (which unfortunately was not that much at that time, being divorced n struggling) taking care of my mom. I wanted to find a nice man and start a family....so not only did I give up all my money time and love...I gave up my future, I was 40 then and now almost 50...I don't see me having kids at this point, unless I adopt. so I will never feel what it is like carry a child or give birth...and by the time this ends I will npt even want to adopt. as how fair is that to the child to cut her parenting experience so short. to have an elderly parent to care for at such a young age....
so ya this sucks but it is what it is!

I do understand when u get sooo damn low it is hard to see what to do. but what to do is reason thru your fears with the advice of others who know!

whirlpool you are correct, I did maybe get a lil too brisk and yes maybe a therapist is the correct advice for roscoe... very good point...
I have to add tho...He has not attacked on this thread...but from my home thread several has reached out to him. he then went to our thread and attacked us there....so ya im a lil sensitive! I am learning my boundaries! but hosestly I thought well if he is being this damn tuff n stubborn, maybe that's what he will respond to....
sorry if I have disturbed or upset anyone in this!

Juju, I hear ya but I don't think it's cool to tell someone to shut the eff up, especially if they just venting and not attacking anyone here.

I feel for Roscoe because he (or she?) is in a similar bind as I am. The details are much different, but the dynamic is the same. There's a sense of no way out, not without making a some compromise which seems unbearable for one reason or another. I think this is where getting outside help like psychological therapy is important because people believe things that aren't true all the time. People believe things are facts that are actually just opinions all the time. So why would we be so different? I'm banking on the fact that I believe something to be true that is false and if I get the right help I'll find out what that is and it will set me free. Roscoe, I'd put it out there to you to consider the same....

Lastly....Maybe just maybe Roscoe family will not help because of the way he goes about asking for it....or that HE himself Is tooo difficult to deal with therefore they will not put themselves in a position to be abused!!!!
come on y'all two sides to every story as they say! AND just maybe he wont pay anyone cuz he wants the money all to himself!! come on people!

Its just sad cuz there are those who are suffering as much or worse and want help. but just plain cant afford it...so this can be hurtful to them! To see someone spit on the only option!

look at this way I want my families help but I would certainly be institutionized or dead if I bemoaned about it for the entire 9 ys I have been doing this...you gotta do things you don't believe are right to save yourself!!!
And someone can think who am I to be new here and just be a know it all...I may be new here...but I am not new to the misery pain and plight...and have survived it on my own... SO THE WAY I LOOK AT IT I AM GOOD DAMN TIGER WHO HAS EARNED HER STRIPES! I am not naïve bout that just how to process this new found relief
I shutter to think one month ago I entertained a thought that my only solution to the pain...was to pack my whole family...MOM me dogs n cat in the car and drive it into the river....and the sad part of that is I reasoned this out ...because we weren't gonna go in this M-F$#%%G house!
but today I am standing strong on crutches but Happy again and making changes.....
100% due to me accepting the help I came here seeking!!!!! and 100% due to this site for that manner!!! so I feel the need to preserve its intergrity!
So I wanna protect us and this site, I do apologize for being maybe to passonate tho...I am learning my boundaries!

respectfully no,,,i realize he WANTS his family to help...but he has been told he has no choice.....like you sed you can lead a horse to water...He cannot make his family do something they are just not going to do...... and no I am not frustrated he wont budge....im frustrated he is trying to drag us into his misery rather than lift himself out....and the only reason I am still on the thread past goodday! is for me not him...!) if no one comments anymore than we have not contributed to his destructive behavior....2)and stopped from spoiling our experiences here!
Ao amen book...in the end we are in agreement! and next time yes I will not even try....I will remember NEVER try to reason with unreasonable people!

Juju, I think you'e missing the point. He Does Not Want Outside Help! He wants family to help which he has stated clearly they are not willing to do. He did not say he did not have the money. He said that he wants No Stranger into their home. Only Family. Everyone previously gave their advice. That's all you can do.

You can drag a horse to the drinking trough. But you cannot force it to drink. The same applies to Roscoe. You All can post to him until you're all blue in the face and be all frustrated because he's not going to budge. No Strangers in the House! That's his decision. Time to move on to someone, like you and me and others - who are willing to move forward despite how uncomfortable or scary it is.

Yes you guys are not reading the feed, I have!!! i am not being almighty here! just realistic
ROSCOE... has stated he has all the money he needs to do whatever he would like...he has made it more than abundantly clear that he will in no uncertain terms pay for care...in home or out. so he is in a no win situation unless he can change his thought process.... so i think we all need to be careful before we post!!

Well i will read...but just not this thread....there is enough of the same everywhere else! More importantly than reading tho, i will accept and use advice that is meant to help me!!! As this site has kept me from "hurling myself of a effin cliff"

Thanks bookluver, I agree w/you too. I didn't read all the feed, but I get what your saying. I actually went to a caregivers meeting, this one was mainly for demensia awareness etc..and they stated, "If the caregiver don't take care of self, and know when it's time to get outside help, the caregiver can go before the person they're trying to care for, due to the stressors of being a caregiver".

I realize the original question/ans session was for one subject, but I sincerely agree with Jujubean, as stated before i'm new to the site and it actually helps me to read the others comments, vents etc... To me it's away of coping, with much, much less crying etc... It has really lifted my spirits vs being down in the dumps; this site question/ans has given me streghth to deal w/my moms situation. The site is honest and anonymous to say whatever one feel, so I for one will continue to read on.... regardless of what all has to say because they are truely helpful for all's various situations. By the way I agree, "Go Troops" ie...21yrs USA Retired.

Juju, this site is for everyone...for those who put their parents in NH or AL, for those who wants to keep their parents home -NO MATTER WHAT. I have Not read this whole thread because I have no intentions of getting depress as I read each person's hardship. Or get depress because I'm stuck at home caring for father when others are able to put their parent in NH or AL.

Juju, I know you mean well but ...not everyone is like you or like this person or that. Their situations are also different. Roscoe is doing what he's doing because it's something that he can live with. He KNOWS that he does not want to put his mom in NH or caregivers to come over. This is his choice. Give him options with the paramenters that he wants.

Roscoe, you do need help. You cannot handle your mom all by yourself. Your mom will continue to get worse and you continue to get more and more exhausted. Something has to give and it will be you. Father was the main caregiver for mom while I worked fulltime and took over when I got home. We've been caregiving mom for 24years. 2 years ago, the toll of being the main caregiver visited father. He had a stroke during the day. It was a very good thing that the govt caregivers came because they found him slouched on the recliner. They called 911. He is now bedridden. If you continue as you are, I fear you will have a stroke. You can do what father did all these years. He, too, did NOT trust anyone with mom. We've had these govt caregivers for over 13 years. They come like 4 x week for 1 hour to do whatever we want - light housekeeping, bathing mom, laundry, etc...While they are here, father is here. He talks to them, etc... Perhaps you can do the same? Find a program in which someone comes over to your home and help you with your mom - even if it's just to bathe/shower her, or cut her hair or talk, etc..This is what we call: Respite for Caregivers.

Anything expensive in the house - hide it in a room. Lock it inside. Put it away before they come to visit. But, I guaranty this to you, keep on doing the caregiving by yourself with no respite, and you will end up like father with a stroke, heart attack or even worse, death. Up to you....

To repeat, this is not personal or an attack. my comments are sincerely meant to evoke a new thought process for Roscoe....TOUGH LOVE as I said and truly mean!! lets talk about how to resolve his fears not just enable the fear to continue!!!

I am standing up for Roscoe because my situation is similar. My husband is overly involved with his mother and will have no life when she dies. He has sacrificed me, given up time with his kids and grandkids he will never get back, destroyed his own kidney transplant by rushing to be with his overly anxious mother who is a narcissistic woman who has never cared as much for him as he has for you. He has risked everything to keep a mean ol' lady alive who has hit and kicked me and stuffed her in our house against my wishes. She will be 98 soon and she just gets worse and worse. Roscoe may be unable to detach objectively as is my husband. That doesn't make him wrong. It just makes things worse. I have no idea how to help you, Roscoe, but you are not alone in your devotion. I hope in the end it is worth it for you. It is not worth it for me. I will be leaving soon. Sign me: A wife whose mistress is her mother-in-law.

AND IN YOUR OWN WORDS "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH"
In the words of "Fez"-GOOD DAY!

AND I MEAN IT IS DISRESPECTFUL TO THE INTENDED USE OF THIS FORUM!

Honestly Roscoe if a ton of people are telling you there is no possible way to do it on your own and these people are not ignorant to the plight I think you really need to examine why you "REALLY" are here....there is no other solution! and no one is trying to disrespect you! you should feel fortunate for what u have and that u can afford to get help if you so choose...
It is hurtful to us who cant afford help and would cut off an arm to have help, to see you reject the thought of what we pray for...
AND AGAIN NO DISRESPECT BUT JUST TOUGH LOVE- YOU NEED TO GET OFF YOUR PITYPOT!!!! SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE AND GET SOME DAMN HELP OR SHUT THE F UP! ASK US HOW TO GET PAST THE FEARS YOU HAVE NOT REJECT EVERY IDENTICAL PIECE OF ADVICE!! IT IS DISRESPECTFUL...I KNOW YOU ARE HURTING BUT WE ALL ARE!!!!

I am by no means trying to judge..just help, but if you and your mom are not of a trusting nature and will not accept help things will not get better. You are with her 24/7 and It sounds like you really need a break and need some time to yourself. We have all heard horror stories of nursing homes, paid caregivers, etc but there are alot of stories of triumph and relief that you just dont hear about. There are volunteers at reputable agencies that will even come and take your mom out for a few hours a week if your not comfortable having them in your home (which I never was comfortable with either) but if you do the research get references etc you can find good help from trusting people and every caregiver needs a break.

Clifford what a wonderful caring compassionate statement and accurate tooo.....just what I needed this morning! Thank you!

It is mindboggling to me the selfishness I have learned in not only family but "so called" friends as well... as family is no more in our life, in my case, All I have are friends and I have to adjust and accept or I will have no friends, it is not their burden, but I just hate the false "lemme know if there is anything I can do" and then when you finally break down and ask, they are too busy getting their nails done or???? . Family is another story tho...they are the ones who are "supposed to" be there! and that's why we feel so disappointed!!

I have read this entire thread and my heart hurts for all of you. I am very fortunate in that my brothers and their wives are always there to help and when my dad was sick we took turns staying with him and mom 24/7 even when he was in the nursing home. We knew he wouldn't get the care he needed or deserved so we made the choice to stay there and take care of him. I am thankful that I got to have that time with my dad and feel blessed that I got to walk his final journey with him. I want to say a couple of things based on what I have read here. I agree with those who mentioned about elderly being like infants, nothing can be further from the truth. Infants grow, learn and move ahead everyday of their lives, our elderly lose what they have learned so in essence they go backwards every day, taking care of them is so much harder in that infants don't argue with you and fight you on everything you try to do, I never understood why people say as we get older we return to babies. I feel for so many of you because you have no life of your own anymore and the fact that siblings don't help and can live with themselves infuriates me even more, they are turning their back on their family, the one that brought them into this world. I guarantee you though that when its time to read the will or disperse parents belongings they will be right there making sure they get the best of the lot. What I hear in so many of you is anger and I don't blame you at all, you deserve to be angry especially those with siblings who do nothing and then when and if they visit or call have to listen to parents say what wonderful children they are, its a kick in the teeth for all of you. I commend each and every one of you because I know had my situation been the same as yours I don't think I could have done it alone. Thank you for all you do for your loved ones and please know you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Some people might think this is a stupid comparison......but you decide. Look at animals......the mother bird.....pushes the young from the nest.......they are not with their 'parents' their whole life........you name the animal.......they are all 'pushed out' to be on their own........to live their 'own life'. Why are we so much different......of course we have contact with our parents and siblings throughout our life.....but in the 'very elderly years' when out parents need help.......that is when you have to decide and ask yourself.......when is enough enough? Case in point.....is myself.....siblings won't help.......had to quit my job......don't trust a money grubbing NH.......so I have to 'bite the bullet' and accept the screwed up situation I'm in.......or should I be 'like an animal' and say "I have to live my life......you had you r life.....now it's my turn".......(and stick my mother in a NH and forget about her.....so I can 'live my life').......it's damned if you do and damned if you don't). Please folks.....don't tell me to get outside help for her care......because I would never do that.....we're just not trusting people.....I don't want strangers in the house. I go by what it says in the Bible about the'heart of man'.......read up on it.

Caregiving is truly exhausting and makes life seem hopeless at times. My mom was with me for 8 months and I could barely leave the house..imagine that with 4 kids! It got to a point that I just had to go out with the kids and give them back their life as they were getting resentful of mom. Then we would come home to her yelling at me that I cant leave her or she would be on the floor for hours becuase she fell. I had no choice but to put her in a NH and boy do I never hear the end of it. She feels she is more important than my kids. My siblings wont help or even speak to her for that matter and even now that she is in the NH its still hard but not nearly as bad. We feel for our sickly parents but we are also enitled to have a life for ourselves as our parents did in their prime. It took a long time for me to realize that but sometimes we have to let go for our sanity and not out of being selfish but because it is what has to be done.

Roscoe, when yhou say "the elderly put us through hell.....in their last years and when they pass away....." I believe your are wrong, they don´t "put us" since what is happening is not of their volition, it just happened to them. For some, the problem is the lives in which they are, or the luck (or lack of) in their lives. For many, the solution is a special house, or payed caregivers. If not... still can do something drastic, like letting their old ones to the care of government. Or alone.
Now, if we are as unfortunate as to not having choices... bad luck

mmmmm mud is good.....

not! lol!!!

yes you are so right also. Venting helps but also we don't want to get into a "feeling sorry" mode too much CUZ it's so dang hard to get out of.. it is comfortable in the mud but darn it it also will hold us down and we don't realize we are in the dang mud hole... There is a fine line and I will be the first to say my head in in a puddle of tears too much...its.not just mom but a lot of things too. But we are princes and princesses not a door mat for the enemy..just sayn'

beammeupscotty...Imho, even a vent can be of value...something one emotionally dump is raw n honest...and can help others by either similarity comfort or actually learning something out of it! Just a diff spin on it, one persons nag can be another persons savior- we have no idea, except i know i learn something or get comfort with almost everything i read, it seems .

what would be wonderful is if we didn't have to be in the position to vent, lol!!! Yes we should be very proud of ourselves Thank you for that!
HOOYAA! I am a Momma Marine!!!

Hi people..it does help to vent and share similar stories, but maybe if we all tried to give some helpful advise to each other 75% of the time and vent 25% of the time we would all feel better. That way we would know we were helping others who appreciate our efforts. Our elderly members do not appreciate much of the time and that's what is frustrating and heartbreaking for us. We can't control a lot of it like their sickness and ranting. We can be proud of ourselves and other caregivers just like we are proud of our military. KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON

What is it with old people and their obsession with poop? Is it that they have nothing else in their lives? It's either diarrhea or constipation - never normal. When my mother is constipated she wants me to reach up and dig the poop out, since she absolutely will not push, and she's "uncomfortable" if she does not poop at exactly 11AM every day. If I give her a little magnesium or a small amount of laxative, all of a sudden there's poop EVERYWHERE!!!

I can handle most of the caregiving, but the poop is driving me nuts!!!!!

And yes, people tell me I'm sooooo lucky I still have my 92 year-old mom who has dementia, refuses to walk, complains all the time, accuses my sibs and I of stealing from her, panics if someone from outside the family comes into the house - I could go on and on, so I won't. Lucky? I think not.

Oh Roscoe, you really need help. Please find some one.