I don't wish this on anyone......elderly care.

I think Roscoe and myself, and a few others on here who tell the truth are doing everyone a service as well as the people who offer other kinds of suggestions.

I just realized what had happened...so I want to let you all know...
I was so exhausted from my ordeal mentally and physically I believe I was sleep typing half that stuff....what a crazy sensation...but as I sed this site has literally saved my life so I cling to my computer like a security blanket and I do remember nodding out while typing stuff...

talk about crazy....that is some crrraaazzzzyyyy stresss!

k I am now officially going underground on this thread! I just cant do it...I am in the wrong battle her
stay strong!

FOR WHAT YOU ARE 'TRYING TO DO"

AND SHOULD I EVER HAVE TO PLACE HER IN A HOME, BECAUSE MY BODY IS NOW GIVING OUT...SO EVEN MY HELP I AM NOW GETTING MAY BE TOO LITTLE TOO LATE
...IF I FIND 1 thing go wrong, against our wishes etc..like her coffee before meal, just one..they will rue the day they (explitatibe) met me...I WILL GAURANTEE THAT....THEY ARE GOING TO FEEL THIS HATE ANGER AND DISGUST!

good DAY YOU ALL...I JUST CANT DO THIS ANYMORE HERE....
I TRULY LOVE EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU!!!

You go ROSCOE just dump all out, just purge it, keep purging it!!!
ps...it is called survival mode....that is what Is so hard we are brainwashing ourselves to save our own lives....
But if you really really erase the pain...the GODS TRUTH IS "it is a natural human instinct, to survive" we do what we got to not to DIE! its not a great skell I am certainly not proud of that skill....If I let myself go were the devil takes my mind. and pity myself....Starts with the feeling of no kidding "throwing up"....and ends with thinking there is no hope......
If I get angry same result.....I have just plain found no other way to survive...in the end I do not disagree with how you feel, just letting how you feel destroy any chance of happiness...."make lemons outta lemonade"

AND BELIEVE ME U....MY MOTHER WILL NEVER GO IN A NURSING HOME UNLESS IT IS SO CLOSE I COULD BE THERE IN COUPLE OF MINUTES.

so I choose the thing that gives me the most control....to have someone come here so I can supervise and watch this person like a hawk.
AND I KNOW FOR SURE WHEN YOUR MIND IS IN THIS DANCE WITH THE DEVIL IT CAN SEE NO HOPE OF ANYKIND!!

so all I think all of us are trying to say that maybe small comprimises, might give you enuf help to rest a bit and think a lil new thoughts

I can see how many of you on here could be referred to as 'fair weather friends'.....as soon as I start to tell it like it is.......many of you stop supporting me. I speak from the heart......the cold hard truth......I don't 'sugarcoat' what goes on in my life. You all know how hard care giving is......I think many of you try to 'brainwash' yourselves.....to try to convince yourselves that it's not so bad......when in face it's torture.....it's terrible.......and you hate every minute of it. I wish a million times......my mother was young and healthy again. The ravages of old age......change lives and families in the worst possible way.......forever!

how many more bones of hers will I break...this isn't f-in fair!

mangled painful hip and shoulder!!!

just so everyone here knows....FOSOMAX IS A DANGEROUS MEDICATION... if you google it you will find that they have now found out after 5ys it reverses the process of strengthening bones and actually destroys the bones. my mothers doctors have been prescribing this medication for her for 8+ ys. she broke her hip in feb, is now bedridden as too weak to survive surgical repair and risk of another fall if ambulating anyway...now that I have to manhandle per se, We have been back to ER twice with issues most recently was thursdayI MYSELF broke her ribs doing a normal transfer hardly exerting any pressure.... and to top it off...each visit including the initial hip/shouldr fracture combo was a complete nitemare as well as the trip to rehab where they kicked her out due to her dimetia...after 2 weeks when the orthopedist sed 8weeks...but medicare don't pay for the extra time she requires it don't fit there guidelines...so I got my busted up mother home and did it myself...I got her healed, nearly killed me, I swear, and now I broke her ribs. DUE TO THIS MEDICATION MY MOTHER IS A BRITTEL BAG OF BONES. NOT TO MENTION A MANGLED PAINFUL HIP.
if anyone wants to help me....I am a wreck over this...how do I hold these people accountable when I don't have the time to get a good lawyer and fight for her cuz I need to take care of her!!! JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL IS ALL I CAN SAY RIGHT NOW. I went thru this with dad they wouldn't even take the case cuz he was old no lost wages, punitive max negotiated down to a third take legal fees n taxes you only get so much not really worth time yada yada yada....I don't have time or energy to fight that battle for my ma but she needs me to do it....we need me to do it! then we can get some real help here that we want so bad. what the hell about my pain n suffering trying to save my parents from their doctors!!!!! BOY LIFE JUST ISNT FAIR IS IT????
NOW MAYBE I CAN SLEEP!!!

and I did find out there is a new case settled in Virginia I think...that may? stop the rehab nitemare from happening google platuea medicare etc...if you are ever in this situation!!

I beg of you then since that was so brilliantly pointed out aways back
AND I WISH TO THANK THE ONE WHO DID POINT THAT OUT
(just to tired to look back and find name)
if you have money spend it on what you do want....your family be grateful you have a family to try with!!! get a counselor....at least try, please!

k I am taking a benedryl and trying to get a wink or two!

1love y'all

HELLO im back...I want to add before I sign out for a while...
I SINCERLY APOLOGIZE FOR MY RANT... had just went thru hell in the ER with my mother. I had been running on couple hours sleep in two days and I lost my temper....then I lost my mind I was so mad, mad at the drs the world that I do this alone and have no money to pay anyone....most of what I sed didn't make any sense....I still haven't slept but an hour, I cant cuz I just feel I did just self destruct her.... and I am hoping this makes sense tomoro cuz I gotta get it out now so I can get some gosh darn sleep...ps. they did call me a sailor at the old job ;o).
as I sed I am new here and 9ys doing this with absolutely no family. have been thru a lot more than I could ever explain here my entire adult life with mentally ill bro's ,restraining orders now separate out family. and a dad...which dads illnesss in a round about way killed him.adn now I have mom. So I have ripped open every wound I have with every story I hear over this past month and I am an emotional overload. compounded with lack of sleep I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I AM SORRY "I" DISRESPECTED THE HONOR OF THE FORUM!
I am using caps to enhance my sincerity, not in anger!
AND TO FURTHER APOLOGIZE TO ROSCOE AND BEG HIM TO AT LEAST TRY TO GET HIM N HIS FAMILY INTO A COUNSELOR TO MEDIATE THE FAMILY ISSUES IF THAT IS WHAT HIS HEART SO DESIRES TO HAVE HIS FAMILY HELP HIM.......

THAT SOUNDS LIKE MONEY WELL SPENT AND IF THEY DONT GO, OR IT DOESNT WORK FOR THEM THEN HE STAY TRY TO WORK THRU THE TRUST ISSUES SO HE MIGHT GET AT LEAST A LIL HELP.....IN HOME. IT REALLY WOULD MAKE HIS LIFE BETTER EITHER WAY IN MY VERY HUMBLED OPINION IF IT DONT WORK IT DONT BUT HE TRIED! AND THAT IS EMPOWERING AS WELL

I am using caps to enhance my sincerity, not in anger!

Jujubean,

Not to thread jack, but are you being paid from the date of the application? I'm in the process of applying for aid & attendance for my mom-just wondering what the process was like for you. Thanks for any info you can give :)

Susan

Thanks y'all I cant believe it, I am one happy camper today I go to the mailbox, and VOILA. Our VA aid and attendance benefit we applied for 20 mos ago is approved. I am going to do a happy dance, nope tooo damn tired but my eyebrows did move!
Now if I can just find someone! Good help is few and far between as we all know, it is a job in itself to just find someone. then have to start out with just a couple hours a week, work with em, train em get a feel for them, if they can adapt to your specific needs and desires ... I found you got to let them know that if they do adapt well more hours are available and just see if they are motivatied etc.....then you have to decide if this person is or is not goin to work out, and if not, you have invested a month and are starting over...ughhh ho hum and a bottle of rum!!! why isn't anything easy in this darn job!

I am going underground for couple days and regroup, this thread was definitely a learning experience....

Hope when i come back Roscoe is in just a teenee weenee better place too
I am praying for him!!!

Thanks again everyone for your support

Over n out!

perserverencr & jujubean, you are both so right, a great lesson of love. My mother is and has always been a beautiful person inside and out. She tries to always be very positive and thanks me for all that I do for her. I love her very much and she has always been my best friend even when I was young and crazy.

Jujubean--I am glad things worked out for you and your Mom since you worked so hard to make that happen. Hats off to you.

To all of you angels in disguise..wonderful job

And I was so upset to have to even try to haul her up there in 90 degree heat...that I had the foresight to call an ambulance..as she is classified as home bound..... and all I had to do was get in the car and drive up !!!!
So yes we can effect some change one little baby step at a time!!!
Have a great day, y'all!!!

Well said..that is why I like what I call my homethread!
I just got back from ER with mom and after 3 botched and I mean botched visits in four months Last was Thursday nite. I Had the strength and foresite, I didn't have before, to call ahead get ahold of the one in charge, tell them my concerns and we are headed up and will not tolerate the shenanigins.....We were in an out less than an hour, treated with the respect and dignity the way it should be and Mom Is fine!

How bout that for good news, TRIUMPH!!! and Empowerment!!!!

I agree on the fact that his posts are bringing us down only because it is so similar to what is bothering us ALL in the first place..no healthy control over the situation. We can offer help all day long, but when its like no one is even listening only thinking what they are going to say next,,,OMG let me hit my head against the wall a few more times... All we can do is use the tools we have to help them and us, even though we know its not enough to pull us into healthy living at this point in our lives. Sooo venting is ok but just try to get better in one little area at a time. If anyone has a good second, minute, or hour, or maybe a whole good day, let's post that too!! Sometimes I hurt for all of you..more hurt, :( ..I would like to hear some happy things now and then..it would help us all so much. I just took a nap but had a bad dream..bitter/sweet

I got into the caregiving tar pit way too early (since 1997). My husband had a kidney transplant in 2003 after twelve surgeries for cancer in 7 years. He was unemployed, an only child, and his mother was overly dependent, narcissistic, anxiety-ridden nutcase. She called several times a day insisting she was dying (she was 76. She is now going to be 98 in October.) She has been saying "she'll be dead any day now" (IF ONLY!!!) for the last 22 YEARS!!!!! She needs care now (the past three years) but she DIDN'T need care when she moved in. She has hated me since day one of our marriage because he was her only child. Oh, gee--why isn't this working out??? DUH!!!! Hindsight? Foresight! BS! That's what I listened to and it just gets worse every year. My own health is shot taking care of her. It's nearly impossible to separate her self-pity from every excruciating moment spent with her. She can fart the Star Spangled Banner while you're eating dinner. She hits me and then tells my husband I hit her. Yep. More bs--piled higher and deeper. It is crucial that I get out of here somehow.

Hindsight...I would not have backed down
when I asked dad many a year ago "what are the plans for the future...you guys aren't getting any younger" and he told me flat out....go back to my town and don't worry about us, you got enuf on your plate" 6-8 ys later boom! the bomb dropped! but my dad is someone I have learned not to argue with so here we are it is the only way it coulda been!!

@FedUpNow - Your statement made me laugh out loud.

*** If I knew then what I know now, when faced with "If you don't let me bring Mom here, I'm leaving to live with her," I would have said, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out." ****

Yes, hindsight is 20/20. Sounds like you brought in a MIL? In your situation, it sounds like you are the primary caretaker. What about your spouse? Other family members? Have you made known your needs?

I would change all of it. If I knew then what I know now, when faced with "If you don't let me bring Mom here, I'm leaving to live with her," I would have said, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out." Lesson learned too late: Don't give up all of who you are to take care of someone else who truly doesn't appreciate it. Sometimes truth is ugly but that doesn't change that it's the truth.

and she has greeted every morning the same way for 2 mo shy of 9 years now...IT IS WHAT keeps me going! To hear my momma be happy!

perseverance...I must share a similar experience...My mother was not a purposefully awful person, but she was, she had been dealt a sh*tty hand and back in their day they had no help. so I as an adult came to understand her but still did not like her very much! we had horrible relationship at home so I left at 15 and it was much better out of the house but still never a happy one, their was underlying love I felt but not happiness.. she was not a happy woman and shared that with me on a regular basis mostly when I was in the home with her... anyway
Once the dementia took over, she is this person I never knew. a sweet happy loving cute as a bug beautiful woman. I cry every time I remember the first nite I took her home from the facility she had been put in while dad was sick. I came out to check on her and she was just cuddled up under the covers, her head popping out. And she looked at me and smiled with this grin bigger than Texas, and said "there's my pretty girl" as I looked at her back. I noticed something...she had beautiful pale blue/green eyes. I realized I had never noticed the color of my mothers eye's, and I am 40 ys old! wow that was huge for me, and I have never looked back about taking her in....its the consequences that are killin me!!!!

and as you say in the end, this is been of life's greatest lessons of love. And I could not agree with you more! I would not change it, except for the financial security part, for the world.

I am the youngest of 5 kids (47 now) and was the sole caretaker for my Mom for several years before we finally placed her in an assisted living place and now a nursing home.

I had to work through SO many issues while caring for Mom without the help/support of siblings. It was VERY, very, very painful. And, to top it off, my Mom would say some REALLY hurtful things to me (but now she is so very different, like a child, another story of a spiritual conversion) and was so unappreciative. I had to continuously forgive her (and my siblings) for being nasty and self-centered.

The care of my Mom has brought severe rifts with my siblings as they are basically narcissists and self-serving. Yes, it is a lonely and painful road - but at the end of the day... serving my Mom has been one of life's greatest lessons of love.

My Momma too talks of poop all the time. I also give Miralax. She had impacted bowels several times over the past 13 years and now I stay ahead of it. I gross out sometimes and have to go pray. Can't dwell on that just got to take one day at a time. Hang in there. I do understand, we also went thru cataracts and macular degeneration she has had for the past 4 years. Lotsa meds, Miralax and eye drops.

to all...what I mean to say:
Is we all are in a lot of pain and suffering that is why we are here....but these people are graciously taking precious time to help someone who blantantly rejects their suggestions. Is it fair to the person sacrificing their time....no it is not. we are in this together here to work together. The only benefit to the one sacrificing is the reward of trying to do the right thing, and what we will get from the experience. which is exactly what this man is complaining about. The whole process of aging and our society is messed up... there is nothing we can do to change it! unless we work together with an open heart n ears!!!

whirlpool...funny...I briefly mention to the home group that I blew up at roscoe...n I think I did an ok job at separating my own anger, with EXCEPTION, of the comment you mentioned...so yes we live n LEARN ;o) !!

n whirlpool that is what I am saying again we are in agreement in the end
roscoe....what really is your fear and lets deal with it...so we can help ya! and if you cant open up here than you gonna have to pay a private therapist. this is free, use it!!!