Today I gave my Mom notice to move out. This is why. My Dad died about 7 yrs ago. My Mom was still working and stayed in the duplex they had. She called me about a year after my Dad passed and said she was going to retire in the next year or so. Ok good for her. We live in another state, she was about 12 hr drive away.After the call saying she was not going to be able to stay in the duplex because the rent was too high. Then she asked to move in with us, because she was broke. She would help us with things around the house let the dogs out while I worked, on and on.She didn't want to live with my sister because she doesn't like her husband. They live a long way out in the country. My brother and his wife has 3 teen boys in a small house in the same area she lived in. We lived in a small town outside of a large city. Lots of amenities. I had a gardening business, my husband works for a large company. We are not rich but we do well. She wanted to live with us. We had a huge house at the time. We move mom which that was a fiasco. She packed nothing had gone through nothing. We had to go through things and pack her stuff that she had a year to do. my siblings and I took a week off from work to help her. I don't have vacation pay. We had to pay to ship things, because she wouldn't let things go. Input my foot down and said no more stuff coming to my house.She gets settled I go back to work playing catch up as moving was in the middle of my busy season, so lost money there. I get home from a long day to dishes in the sink, the food I asked to be set out to thaw still in the freezer, dishwasher still unemptied, these were all things we agreed she would do, instead of paying rent she could help around the house. Well that's were it stopped she never did another thing in my house. So we let it go. Fast forward a couple years we wanted to buy a farm to retire to. So we did. Our house is half the size as the other. I had to quit my business so money is isn't flowing like it was. I now pet sit to pay for my dog sports and dog food, vet care and occasional litter I breed. We raise a lot of our own food. Much of what my mom will not eat. We are not picky. My mom has yet to pick up a broom to sweep, rarely does the dishes and plants herself promptly at 4 pm waiting for dinner. My husband and I decided she needs to move. She makes over 2000.00, her car is paid for, she has no bills but for insurance and what food she likes. But spends money at the casino and racked up credit cards. She is physically able and sound mind. Her retirement is her making not mine. I refuse to let her have a better retirement than us, we worked hard for what we have. So thank you again to everyone who shared it gave me the courage to rip the bandaid off.
But also be ready for Mom's potential push-back campaign.
Having your Mom become your Mom again (& not your lodger) may be a great positve in your lives. (But she may not see it that way yet).
Your post serves to warn others.
When it is the decision of a family to take an elder in then ALL must agree.
There must be written legal contract for shared living expenses, privacy plans, and reassessments every 6 months to see if the living situation works FOR ALL INVOLVED. Because when it doesn't work for ONE, then it is over, and the person who has made YOUR home their home will be required to move, or be evicted.
Glad you have taken control of your own life again, and thanks for writing us.
My mom is going back to visit my brother, who lives near where she moved from. My daughter got her an application to live in a subsidized housing in the town she lives in. Her MIL manages it, she said it is a nice place with a lot of older folks there.
I travel occaisionally to dog shows, my husband stays at home. He got to where he hated me being gone. He used to not care if I were gone a few days.
Thanks for the encouragement. Truly grateful for everyones input on this forum. I have been reading for months.
My daughter let me know she contacted her MIL who manages a subsidized housing complex in the same town as her, and got an application. My mom is going up there to visit my brother who is less than an hour away from my daughter. Maybe this will work.
When my MIL was having all sorts of self-induced problems in her old age she once lamented to me about it in a phone call that "this isn't what I thought retirement would be!" to which I informed her, "This is the retirement you planned for." She had no response.
May you receive peace in your heart and enjoy a peaceful retirement.