For the last year I have been on quite a ride with my mom. I'm her only daughter, child and family.
At the time I'm writing this, my mom is lying in a hospital bed, and slowly dying.
She wanted to die in her own bed. I knew that. But, because of her unwillingness to get her affairs in order properly, and to trust and allow her only child to make that happen, she is dying away from her home.
Mom . .I really wish things were different.
The good news is, I drove out 300 miles to see her this last Thursday- and I knew it was for the last time.
I spent three hours with her. I played her piano for her to listen. She taught me the notes when I was very young, but I never really played much. I self - taught myself over the last 4 years and I play a few 'tunes' pretty darn well.
I told her that I loved her, not matter what, because she was my MOM. I admitted to her that her and I had a rough time relating over the years, but that I was still her daughter, and that she is still my Mom, and I truly loved her. I thought it was very important to say those words, no matter how mad or resentful I was at the way she treated me over the last year.
There's many layers to this story.
Without her assigning POA, or getting any of her directives in order, probably because she refused to accept that her end of life was near, or perhaps she thought I would 'throw her in a nursing home, or take all her money' . . .she is dying as I write this, and not to her wishes. Because I have no legal control.
I have been grieving for the last year.
The doctor spoke with me a little while ago and said that they are taking all life support off, and letting her pass naturally and with comfort. I thanked him profusely. He knew that it was time, he knew that I needed the relief soon. Funny huh, that I will be relieved once my Mom meets her maker.
I just wish I could've done more for her last moments on earth.
My Mom, has CHF, and over the last three months has taken 6 hospital trips to remove fluid from her lungs. No COVID. She refused to buy a prescription of lasix, 'because it costs too much'. After her last discharge just a little over a week ago, I was able to convince the case managers to convince my mom that hospice was a good idea. Last night, hospice failed us. She shouldn't have gone back to the Hospital. Even the doctor told me that. But he understood what happened.
Now, I just sit and wait for that 'phone call'. She won't be in her own bed - and I won't be able to hold her hand while she takes the next step. And that's what makes me so sad.