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For the last year I have been on quite a ride with my mom. I'm her only daughter, child and family.


At the time I'm writing this, my mom is lying in a hospital bed, and slowly dying.


She wanted to die in her own bed. I knew that. But, because of her unwillingness to get her affairs in order properly, and to trust and allow her only child to make that happen, she is dying away from her home.


Mom . .I really wish things were different.


The good news is, I drove out 300 miles to see her this last Thursday- and I knew it was for the last time.


I spent three hours with her. I played her piano for her to listen. She taught me the notes when I was very young, but I never really played much. I self - taught myself over the last 4 years and I play a few 'tunes' pretty darn well.


I told her that I loved her, not matter what, because she was my MOM. I admitted to her that her and I had a rough time relating over the years, but that I was still her daughter, and that she is still my Mom, and I truly loved her. I thought it was very important to say those words, no matter how mad or resentful I was at the way she treated me over the last year.


There's many layers to this story.


Without her assigning POA, or getting any of her directives in order, probably because she refused to accept that her end of life was near, or perhaps she thought I would 'throw her in a nursing home, or take all her money' . . .she is dying as I write this, and not to her wishes. Because I have no legal control.


I have been grieving for the last year.


The doctor spoke with me a little while ago and said that they are taking all life support off, and letting her pass naturally and with comfort. I thanked him profusely. He knew that it was time, he knew that I needed the relief soon. Funny huh, that I will be relieved once my Mom meets her maker.


I just wish I could've done more for her last moments on earth.


My Mom, has CHF, and over the last three months has taken 6 hospital trips to remove fluid from her lungs. No COVID. She refused to buy a prescription of lasix, 'because it costs too much'. After her last discharge just a little over a week ago, I was able to convince the case managers to convince my mom that hospice was a good idea. Last night, hospice failed us. She shouldn't have gone back to the Hospital. Even the doctor told me that. But he understood what happened.


Now, I just sit and wait for that 'phone call'. She won't be in her own bed - and I won't be able to hold her hand while she takes the next step. And that's what makes me so sad.

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My mom had a will and trust for her farm , but didn’t address eol issues. Fortunately, right before she got ill, I was able to get her to an attorney for a springing poa and a living will.

She trusted me and my brother so we were able to hire help and have hospice in to keep her at home. I lived 750 miles away and my brother lived about 200 miles away. We were with her often in the last 18 months, but it is so important for the elder person to work with their caregivers and to trust. I don’t know how you can keep them at home without the trust.

It sounds like you did your best, so be at peace with yourself. We all need to be responsible for our own eol plans.
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Imho, you've done all that you could do and you did it well, dear Bue24. It is hard when our parent(s) faces EOL. My own mother waited too long as to her own elder living choices and I had to leave my home, my family and my state and move in with her 7 states away from mine. We'd had a difficult relationship, since she opted to communicate with someone who'd abused me. I provided care for her until her death of an ischemic stroke. Prayers to you, dear Blue24. Please know that you are doing and have done a great job. Do not hold onto regret.
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I’m so sorry for what you are going through right now. Know it was/is out of your control. Know your Mom is aware too and that she is at peace. God Bless you and your Mom. You are a good daughter.
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This is in response to Riley 2166. I thought you were quite harsh in your comment.
The generation in the 80-90's are very different than we are. They grew up in really bad times, great depression, WW2, saving every penny in cans, & paper money under the mattress. Mistrust of banks due to the depression. Second hand clothes, used shoes for themselves, but their children always wore clean, ironed pressed clothes.
That generation never believed in wills, POA's, all the things we, today, would or have done well before hand. In fact, it was well known that that age group, all took care of their own family, while sick & dying.
I do understand the woman who had this problem with her own Mom. But she did the best she could, and loved her. That's all that's really needed.
Our generation are more prepared & arrange things that make it easier for the family when the time comes.
But, this woman's Mom, lived in a world that is completely different than what we are living in.
May God bless the Mother and daughter.
Abd most daughter's do have good/bad times with their mothers.
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Hospice has not failed you. She consented to go to hosp. to remove fluid. Hospice will give you "grief support". You need it and it can be for up to a year after she passes. Shop around for a probate attorney as you will need to make a claim on her estate. The grief support will also help you deal with the past. It will not go away and will affect your "peace of mind" and you really need help with what you can not deal with on your own. Your Mom has or had given up on dying in her own bed. Talk every day to her on the phone as long as she is able. Everything has to be a "love message" to her. If you request a chaplain he can help her to have peace of mind. She may have left you a simple notorised will. Because she verbally would not give you some assurance of what she is leaving you....The financial and other values are gone from her mind. Get help in grief recovery or you will be a grouchy....and hard to live with yourself.
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It is impossible for me to fathom why people refuse to realize things will happen one day and they must prepare for that day now - not in never, ever land. I simply can't stand people who don't cooperate and willingly keep their affairs current. They are selfish procrastinators who truly don't give a dam about what the effects of their not doing something will have down the road. So, having said that, I feel that there should be NO guilt in any way by those who tried to help but hit a stone wall. If people are so stupid as not to do what is right, well, I say, let them lie in the beds they make for themselves. If they end up in a situation that is not comfortable or what was best, it is their fault - not the one who cared and tried to help. Never forget that. What they sow is what they reap.
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An end of life is always difficult for the living. What ever you do, that is the right thing. Use your best judgement. My sympathy goes out to you. My turn will be coming as will everyone else.
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My deepest condolences to you. I too was the only caregiver for my Mom, however she did have her affairs in order and I was POA..Nevertheless I was not with her when she passed in a nsg home in 2018...as I thought I would be. She had been in nsg home for 5 mos.other than that I was it along
with an aide I knew was sleeping at times...my Mom had very poor vision and was deaf..totally..so we used an
eraser board for few years..w a few laughs...I want to
confess it was not easy...the concern..feeling bad for her
..trying to be all for her...guilt when I knew she was alone in her senior apt....but I will say..when she passed I felt great
relief for her and me...I had been saying goodbye for awhile.
I did not want her to be in nsg home..which was a very good one..thankfully...Over this time since she passed I have had
great reflections on her as a woman with her own hopes and dreams..some which never materialized..like all of us...times
that she went through...it is a gift that you were her one and only..even through the tough times...we were placed in that role for our growth and theirs...it takes time and the perspective changes..you will hold onto the good as I do..
Mothers and daughters..not always easy...I wish you
healing in your grief as it will come in gentle waves and big
unruly ones...you did your best...be well my friend.
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I reminded myself this morning that I must call my 87 yr. Dad today. He is the caregiver for his 80 yr. old wife w/ dementia. My stepmom is his POA, yet completely incapable now of making any medical decisions for him should he end up in the hospital. Without a proper designated POA..the family will be looking at a Guardianship situation with the courts. Strangers will more than likely make decisions for my Dad. My husband (an attorney) tells me it would cost much money and valuable time for the family to get their POA “rights” back.
So today, I will talk to him and ask him to please allow his son-in-law to appoint a new POA for him and to draw the paperwork up. My sister, a nurse has agreed to be the POA should there be a medical emergency.
What I’m seeing now, is that is that most seniors think that they will have plenty of time to think about these important matters and to address them....later. But we never know when “later” comes to visit.
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My sincere condolences for the loss of your mom. I too lost my mom to CHF almost 2 years ago. Your story should help others see the importance of a DNR or No Code order. My mom & I made sure that she had one in place. She was at home when Hospice was started. While she died in a hospital bed, it was in her home & comfort measures were taken, but no hospitalization. Remember the 3 hours that you spent with your mom & find peace from within to know that you did see her near the end. 🙏Hugs to you! You may not see it now because it hurts so much, hopefully after time you'll realize you did as much as you could for what your mom allowed you to do.
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Even with POA, its very hard to predict where death will occur. My father died Inpatient Hospice during his hospital stay. He was till ill to take home(MRSA infection to heart with severe sepsis) and eventhough he asked me to get him out of bed and take him home tonight, it wasnt in the cards. I relive this everyday - 2 yrs after his death......death is not black and white and i guess it doesnt always happen as planned. Im so sorry for all this - its not fun at all..
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Blue...
Sorry for your loss.
While you have asked that this thread be retired it does serve a lesson.
While "we"..the collective reading this..have read posts like this before have we all done what is needed to make things easier for our loved ones?
POLST, Health Care Directives, assigned POA for health and financial maters?
Do we have all our information in a location where it can be found? Will passwords be easy to find, insurance information and any of the other details. (cetude made a list of sorts) There is a pamphlet that can help called "5 Wishes" and it can help with organizing that info.
You did the best that you could for her with what she gave you.
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Whoever is executor of the will is going to have to deal with the headache of the estate -- but there are a few things you or someone needs to do:
Note POA ends at the moment of death.

(1) IF she is on any kind of governmental insurance such as Tri-Care you need to notify them of her death.
(2) IF she is on any kind of government stipend like a military survivor benefit--you NEED to call them and let them know. If not the payments will continue and will have to be paid back.
(3) Social Security is automatically notified via funeral home of the death; however, follow up and make sure nothing "fell through the cracks".
(4) If she has a home, the home-owner's insurance needs to be notified because if the policy is under HER name you cannot claim anything;
(5) Banks and electric and utilities need to be notified.
(6) If she has any kind of life insurance they need to be notified along with a copy of the death certificate; further, you will need a copy of the funeral bill if no will was left or executor named.

After death there is a lot of work involved.
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So sorry this is your situation as your mom is passing. Please don't let the regrets have the last say in your memories of your mom. I take it your mom did not have a will either? If so, her estate will be settled by probate court. If she has a will, atleast settling her estate will be easier. Prayers!
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I am so sorry...a sad story indeed. My mom has helped me all the way..She has been proactive..Now I have placed her in an assisted memory care unit. She has unhappy days. She always said...”put me in a home when I become too much work“ .“ I never want to harm you”...that time came. My counselor told me..”you are not responsible for your moms happiness”..”you are responsible to keep her safe and well cared for”. You have done that!!! That is a good daughter...
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Same situation...Havent seen her in 10 years. Talked every Sunday. Got a call from a coworker that she was very ill???? Flew out to LA and when I saw her called 911. She is now in a SNF and has advanced stage 4 pelvic cancer that is also in the fluids in her stomach and lungs. She never wanted this but made her stubborn choices. I have no POA, not a beneficiary, nor is there a will (she's from the old country and did not feel she needed to prepare.....I cannot see her due to the virus, and she refuses to have conversation with me...but also has some dementia ...So here I sit and wait.....with guilt, hurt, resentment and unyielding love. I wish you peace as well.
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I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing your mother is truly awful.

Your post was written very well. I am so happy you got to tell your mother how much you loved her and how much she meant to you. You can lead a horse to water but can’t make them drink.

Your mom raised a very self sufficient, compassionate and loving person, so, as stubborn as she was, you coped very well & did the best you could. That’s all you can do and you did it with class and selflessly.
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Admin . . if you would please go ahead and retire this thread. Thank you.
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I am very sorry for the loss of your Mom. She is at peace. Take care of yourself now. Sending you a hug.
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My deepest sympathy for your loss. I'm sure you did the best that you could given the circumstances. Now, it's time for you to heal and take care of yourself.

Many well wishes.
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I am so sorry, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
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I am very sorry for your loss. Know you did all you could with what you had to work with. I believe that your mom knows you love her and did your best.

Lots of hugs!!!💗
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((((((((hugs)))))) and my sincerest condolences on your loss. May you be at peace knowing you did all that you could.
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I’m sorry for your loss...and again wish you peace
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I got the call. 9:36am. Thank you for letting me express my sadness.
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I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Please know and accept that your mother’s choices were her own and nothing for you to feel guilt about. She chose, even if it was by refusing to choose, how her end of life would be, and in the end it will be peaceful and in comfort, no matter the setting. My father is also at the ending of CHF and starting hospice, so in some ways I walk this road with you. And I wish you peace, you’ve done well as a caregiver and daughter
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Yes. She always . .never wanted to go to hospital!
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I'm so sorry for you.

Our relationships with those we feel we MUST love are often fraught with emotional minefields. Having someone die w/o having peace between us is awful. My own mom is slowly sliding into dementia and cannot carry on any meaningful conversations.

Time will heal this for you, and I hope for me also when my mom goes. It's too late to hear "I'm sorry" from her. I'm at peace with that.

I'm maybe being intrusive--but how did Hospice fail you? Did they take mom to the hospital against her wishes? Sad, if that's the case.

You did all you can, and more. Be gentle with yourself.
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My heart goes out to you.
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