Mom is 70 and has moderately severe brain shrinkage. I look at her with such amazement that she is going through this disease. Mom became ill, I took her to the ER to determine she had a UTI and impacted bowels. She nearly died in the hospital due to an allergic reaction to medications. I made the decision to have her go to a skilled memory care with the hospital’s social worker. Mom says, this is not me. I don’t belong here. The guilt I feel from those words are unimaginable. I knew the time was near, my homecare person came to work and only stayed for an hour because it was becoming very overwhelming. Mom walks a few steps and sits down. She needs assistance with bathing, toileting, incontinence and doesn’t know that I’m her daughter and thinks I’m her best friend or sister. I know that I can’t physically handle her because my lupus flares more frequently now. Mom has been with me, my husband and our children for nearly 4 years. She was diagnosed with early onset around 2013.

I’m torn with her in the nursing home vs with me and our family. I love her so much. I find myself at the nursing home 3-4 times daily.

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I'm so sorry to hear of you mother's condition. It is heartbreaking to see the decline. For me, it's been a slow process of accepting that my LO is no longer the person I once knew. She is end stage dementia and now on Hospice. She is in MC and exactly where she needs to be. I know that she receives excellent care and I do not feel guilty about it. I would feel guilty, if I did not have her somewhere that she received excellent care. The only time that I went to the facility multiple times a week was before she was in MC and was in a regular AL. They were not equipped to manage her care and I had to show up due to issues. But, since she went to MC, that is not necessary.

I might try to talk to a counselor and other family members for support. Visiting that often would seem to me to cause more stress on you. If you think she needs more attention, I'd explore Hospice. They have been wonderful and add another set of eyes to make sure that the patient is comfortable and in need of nothing.

I know it's so hard. But sometimes, the most humane thing you can do is have your loved one in a NH. My mom is 70, too and was in assisted living before her NH. We had to trick her in to going inside and that was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I understand how you feel.

I visited the NH often too but 3-4 times a day is excessive, once or perhaps twice is more than enough. Sometimes there are no perfect answers and we just have to make the best of the hand we're dealt, you mom is where she needs to be and your focus should be on making her life as it is now as fulfilling as possible.

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