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My sister is developmentally challenged and also has dementia in some form. She is living in a Nursing Home where she is well cared for. I am the only family member who is able to visit on a regular basis. My sister's behaviour has been changing a lot recently. Now when I visit, she tells me to go home or go away and I don't want you to visit me. She knows who I am and for some reason she doesn't want to see me. She has a private care worker who sees her twice a week and she seems to be ok with her. Every time I visit, I leave there in tears and feel completely deflated. I try so hard to provide her with whatever she needs. This is so hard.

Cut down on your visits, then keep reducing the number of visits and time you spend with her. Even if you do visit, you don't have to visit with her. Observe from elsewhere, such as in the hall when she's in her room, just to make sure she seems okay.

Dementia is unpredictable, and who knows why she doesn't want to see you! You may never know. Chalk it up to the disease and enjoy your freedom from uncomfortable visits that don't benefit either of you. You have a right to protect yourself, so do so. Enjoy your time off! She will eventually get worse, at which time she may not know anybody but still need someone to watch over her from afar. Do that by remaining friendly with the workers there and with her private aide.

I wish you luck, and I hope you can successfully back off and stop fussing over her when she doesn't appreciate it.
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If you want to visit but the visits upset her then go when she is busy with other things.
go when she is having a meal.
go when there is an activity that she is involved with.
you do not have to even let her know you are there. Just visit from afar.
If the facility takes them out for a lunch or other outing ask them to let you know and you can show up and just observe. If she happens to see you and says anything you can say it was a coincidence and you and go off in another direction..
You can still provide what she needs or wants packages can be delivered. You can even wrap some items as a surprise for her.
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Perfect answer, Daughter1930.
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I do visit at lunch time some of the time. Recently this has not been very successful.
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Perhaps you can show up at meal time. I did with MIL 1, who was a very slow eater, and it helped everyone.
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Thank you for the suggestion. I will try somehow to visit from a distance. She only leaves her room for meals and doesn't participate in daily activities that the nursing home offers. If she sees me looking in her room, she just tells me to go away.
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Thank you for your feedback. I can't phone her as she doesn't answer her phone now, she just lets it ring. Until now I've dealt with this on my own and it's super helpful to hear from others. I like the idea of visiting from a distance although she no longer participates in activities and stays in her room watching tv. The staff are very nice and try to be helpful. They have never had to support someone who is already intellectually challenged and has dementia at the same time, it's a double whammy.
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Are you able to call her on the phone to gauge her mood before you go to visit? Then, you can ask her if she'd like company or not. Thst will help you feel better staying home when she says no, she doesn't want company. When she says yes, she's having a good day and you can visit. But leave the moment any ugly behavior starts up. Tell her you'll be back at another time when she's in a better mood.

If she keeps saying no, then do as Daughter suggests and visit her from afar w/o her knowledge. See that she's clean, dressed, fed etc, then leave. My mother only acted out with me. To everyone else she was sweet and lovely. To me she had sharp fangs. I dreaded the visits, and always too my husband with me as a buffer. She didn't act out as badly in front of him as she would if I were there alone.

Best of luck to you.
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Great advice Daughter1930.
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I’m sorry for your hurt in this as I’m sure it’s painful. I’m a firm believer that everyone in managed care needs regular visits. It shows the staff that the resident is a person who’s valued and cared for, and most often has the side effect of them caring more too. It’s like when they see you care, they care. We saw this so often in my mom’s nursing home years. In your situation, no point in upsetting your sister or yourself. Come to visit “around the corner” seeing her from a distance without her spotting you. The staff can help facilitate this. See that she’s well, dressed, healthy enough looking, then ask the staff for an update and about any needs. After that, leave, knowing you’ve done your best. You can drop off something you know she’d enjoy if you’d like. Don’t feel like you have to upset either of you. I wish you much peace, she’s blessed to have you
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