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I am so sick and tired of caring for my old cranky sick child like mother. I want to just go and never come back. No help from 5 siblings other than 'hang in '. She cared for us, now it's time to care for her.

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I'm sure many here are changing diapers, feeding, bathing, etc. their parents, you are amazing people. Others who do no such thing label themselves as caretakers in order to justify their actions. They are able to play the roll when needed. My grandmother lived alone in her one story house until she was 94. In all the years I knew her my father either did her grocery shopping or took her with him. She lived in the next town and he visited her often, took her to dr. appts, made sure her bills were paid. In all those years I never ever heard one complaint from him. Make sure your elderly parents aren't being taken advantage of, make sure they aren't keeping secrets.
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634, I never followed this thread when it was originally posted, but I have read through it now and am not seeing anything for you to get so bent out of shape about. The OP is merely stating her own feelings and frustrations about being a caregiver, I'm not really seeing any nasty tirades against her mother or sibs (at least not after you've read some of the "I hate my sibs/parent" threads). Her angst was her reality and she was in pain. Why does that threaten you so much??
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you are right on gladimhere!!! and who cares if she read it!! the truth hurts!
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I'm curious if you are all sharing the caregiving now. Is that what you mean? The fact that someone was a great mom does not obligate her child, or children, to be a hands-on caregiver. I can't imagine anything worse, either as a caregiver ir as an elder, to be stuck in the company of one person, day in and day out, with time to myself.
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Gladimhere, this is all one big lie!!! In fact she WAS a caring Loving Mother! Who did nothing but take care of my sick sister!!! Every one of us took great care of Mom!! This is all a lie! My sister is the one who needs care for
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634, this post is nearly a year old. There are many, many stories like this where one child carries all of the responsibility because siblings, for many reasons, or any excuse, will not assist. IF, and that is a big IF, this is your sibling I sincerely hope you are now offering some help. I doesn't even need to be hands on. Send a sweet gift, pay for a few hours of caregiver, get sib a gift card to go do something fun. And STOP trying to use intimidation as a technique to get sib to stop posting thoughts here.
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Why not just go if it is so bad. Sounds toxic and very unhealthy for the both of you. These should be senior's golden years. I live surrounded by many senior who live alone with help with groceries and dr. appts, all that can be shared. You need to communicate. You would have to clean and fix meals regardless of where you live.
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Letting you know your sister just read this!!!
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joanie...i have to take care of everything in a four bedroom house and my apt in the back. i have to hire people to fix things, finding people that can do the job and affordable is a pain!! i have a brother that lives in the front house with my parents...and he is a dirty slob...and doesn't even change a lite bulb!!! my other brother took the POA, which I am...and the Will...and he hasn't visited my parents for about 8 months now??? OMG...crazy...I so get it!! I'm putting the savings in my name...and spend all income ssi as needed....including my getting out of dodge when I've had enough!!! i found a way out...but ... did take awhile...and I had to be at my wits end...like jumping off a bridge...before i could find a way to deal with all this! hang in there!!
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joanie i hear there are caretakers groups...that would be perfect for you...vent, meet new people in the same place as you and find help!!
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Ask your doc about Trazadone for sleep. It's not addictive and also helps with anxiety. Won't be able to drink with it or any other med to help sleep.I wish you the best, take care of you. We r here when you need to vent.
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Life experiences. Your input is spot on. It has been difficult losing my dear friend. In addition to that we have had two major summer storms knocking down trees, power outages for days, no tv( tv's got fried by lightening strikes), telephones fried, and guess who has to call, trouble shoot, figure out what the heck has happened and resolve it? Me, a 64 year old woman who knows nothing about power surges, fixing computers, phones etc etc. now you can see why I started having cocktails at noon. We have been w/o power, TV and phones for 5 days this second time around. And.. I have my son's wedding in two weeks up in Maine. Although a joyous time, I haven't been able to focus on the good. My mindset is worry about the money, the drive up there. I live in Pa. I'm usually very active with my church, weekly soup lunch for community, on the vestry, and weekly attendance. I have pulled back and do not even know why. I know I need to get my butt up there but have not had the energy. Today is Sunday. I will grocery shop, still trying to get new phones to work, take care of nervous Nellie who worries about EVERYTHING, fix meals, try to clean this dump(her house). Church is low on the list.
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i would check the will , know were you stand in it , if the home is owed and willed out to the children , its all of the kids house , and if you leave or move out , you lose , they win , i been right were you are now , my sister stepped in at the last moment , mama died , bother took house , i lost by leaving ! it goes on......... ty JAY ♥
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hi joanie...my dad was abusive in a way that he pitted us kids against each other, nags constantly for things he wanted...complains about the same thing over and over until he drove me crazy!! The LOSS of your friend, just put you over the TOP!! It makes sense!!! not sure if i said this before...but the ONLY way that I could turn my dad around was to STOP doing everything for him ... and he would not give in or apologize for at least two weeks!! he's 91 and stubborn as a mule!! he plays head games all the time too. so, what i finally did....was NOTHING for him!! Didn't feed him, didn't make his bed, didn't clean up after him, didn't give him his meds, didn't adjust his hearing aids and tv...and the list goes on and on!! he would complain to my brothers that no one was feeding him...and would sneak and take turnkey slices, cheese, or whatever else he could find! lol I DID NOT CARE IN THE LEAST...HE WORE ME OUT!! he has come around...but i'm still putting him on antidepressants...he won't even know it because he takes so much other medication. BUT...you are grieving the LOSS of your wonderful friend that kept you going!!! You are in the eye of the hurricane...and the only thing you can do for anxiety...get some sleeping meds...sleep as much as you can thru this bad period...and god knows...in all our lives, my favorite saying in life..."THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!! Hang in there...sleeeeep!
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Joaniej231: Please don't become a problem drinker, that will just make everything worse. Taking the edge off is one thing but you don't want to ruin yourself either.
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Thank you Life experiences. Red wine- a very good idea. I have a Physician assistant that I am going to this week who is very empathetic and I do believe will help me. The insomnia is difficult, I toss and turn most nights all night long. He had given me Lorazepam but I haven't had them in quite a while. I recently lost a very dear friend and have been pining over the loss. This friend was my sounding board and his place was my sanctuary . I would visit him daily and just be myself and tell him my thoughts. Now he is gone, he was not well but his death was shocking and I miss him the whole day long. It is probably the hardest death I have dealt with in my life. So now I am stuck with her 24/7. She is not a bad person but is so intrusive and nosy. I am 64. She tries to treat me with that motherly disdain that used to make me cower as a child. I have the strength to ward that off but she tries every day to control me like I was 12 again. I refuse to allow that kind of controlling bullying . She does not like it. It is all about control, having the upper hand, trying to humiliate and make me cower, which at this stage in my life is a joke. So we butt heads daily. she knows if she says one word to siblings that I am being disrespectful that they will crash down on me or try to. I do loudly speak my mind to her, to leave me alone, give me privacy, show respect. I don't think she knows what that means. She is not a bad person but is controlling and disrespectful to me as it was growing up with her. I harbor resentment which makes it tough caring for her.
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should read...a couple a drinks in evening won't hurt you.
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hang in there....go to the doctor...be careful on some meds...I take xanex every once in awhile to sleep...it breaks the cycle of not being able to sleep. those on a daily basis are very addictive...so be careful. i don't think that a couple of drinks in the evening will...drink red wine..it's good for you. I use to drink a lot more than that...now I have two drinks...and that's it. Doctor is a good start....keep us posted!! Ya know...it's one day at a time...I know you will find a way to help you through this...something...someone...someplace??? Hang in there!
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I am going to reach my saturation point and then I will be gone.
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I believe that stat! I am a retired RN. That means I am the answer all for everyone's illnesses and maladies . They think I am invincible and I am not. I could picture her outliving me. I spend all my time taking her to her dr appts. Me? What? You need to go to the doctor? Why?
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Please note that 40% of all caregivers dies leaving behind the love one that they were caring.... those are not good odds. Then what?
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Thanks for your input. I know the drinking is stupid but it eases my anxiety. I am going to doctor this week to bare it all out.
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You have to see your doc tell them what is going on. The alcohol is no solution but perhaps doc can give you antianxiety med like klonopin or Xanax but you can't drink and take meds. Please get help before it gets worse. And make those calls have family meeting do it today!
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How did you get stuck doing ALL the caretaking if you have FIVE siblings??
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joanie...I drank EVERY night for 4 yrs...I felt like I was going to go crazy...the anger, fighting with my brothers...etc. etc. I was sooooooo tired all the time...seemed like I just couldn't get everything done!! Looking back...I do know that all that drinking made me short tempered because I did have somewhat of a hangover every morning! I should have immediately gone to the doctor and gotten myself on antidepressants....but I kept telling myself...what the hell are meds going to do if I'm trapped??? Problem is that I'm not sure if the meds will work with alcohol consumption? Maybe someone will answer that.

DO YOU HAVE AN ALTERNATIVE...CAN YOU PUT YOUR MOM IN A FACILITY?? Just asking...I know that is veeeery hard to do...I couldn't and the cost is astronomical!
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I fear I'm turning into an alcoholic. Drinking a lot . It settles me. I know it is not good.
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Joaniej231, Have you tried to talk to siblings about schedule for moms care? My sister and I are sharing care and a niece is helping. The more you do the more they expect until they just assume you will do all. Try calling one before you make Dr appt don't ask, say mom needs to see....what day is good for you to take her. Let them know you will coordinate care but they have to help with heavy lifting. If mom has money that may be inherited you could always tell them if they don't help out you will have to put mom in assisted living and by the way her money will be gone in ....number of years. What are their hot buttons? Use them to get them to help.You are a good person for caring for mom, but you can't do it alone. Before you burn out get help, family or paid caregivers. We r always here when you need to vent.
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joaniej231...it might help to voice your opinions when your lazy family is NOT helping you. don't hold back or they will take advantage of you! my youngest brother started coming around when my mother lost more of her ability to care for herself. he didn't come around enough to TELL ME how I should be doing things...his way!! I let him have it after awhile...and told him that if he wanted everything done his way...he could take both my parents to HIS house and take care of them there!!! He doesn't come over at ALL anymore...and actually I'm glad...because all the fighting between us was making me ill!! Don't back down...voice your opinions...you will probably feel better too! you will find a way thru all this...I did.
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frequent flyer....it cost at least $7000 a month for EACH parent to be in a convalescent home! not everyone is on medicaid.
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Joaniej231, God bless you for caring. I see after my MIL, her own daughter is not involved in her care at all, hasn't got a clue. Won't put lotion on her or clip her nails or shave her whiskers and doesn't even think to check her clothing or incontinent supply. The sons do visit their mother often, but they are good Italian boys who are still hoping she will wait on them hand and foot.
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