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So tonight I had to tell mom some of the same things I’d been posting on here (not where she could find them of course). That I was trying my hardest but it didn’t seem enough. That I can’t possibly keep up with the level of “care you need.” I had her walking to the toilet yesterday. Today she wanted the commode. Two hours later, she wanted the bed pan again. I couldn’t believe she was going backward. She obviously could sense my upset and said, “why don’t we ask the in home caregiver to stay all day until 10 at night, then you can come over.”


I said, if you can afford damn near 2000.00 a week, fine.


”Well I know this is upsetting for you.”


I told her it is upsetting. I’m trying my hardest, you were walking with me, now you say the raised toilet seat pinches you so you go back to that stupid commode, then that isn’t right, so “here give me a bedpan.”


”Well I keep changing my mind.”


”I can’t keep up with that either!” I said. She said I was doing a really good job but I told her I was not. I keep forgetting her medication, I have sprained my back lifting commode chairs, tables and walkers, and she continues to be non compliant in practicing walking, toileting, dressing, and bathing. She just wants to lay in bed all day, and, in my view, I think she thinks that will make her better.


You all have been an absolute lifesaver, so thanks again for listening. I injured myself trying to help her this evening, I’m not the springy-est 47 year old chicken anymore. This is hard, and I have no more tears left.

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If APS told me visits needed to be supervised - well, they are welcome to send someone on their own - nice company for mom, but you won't be seeing me there!
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I think it's more likely that a mandated reporter at the facility overheard the conversation and duly reported it. Swearing at care recipients is abuse. Them's the rules. I hope somebody feels good about this outcome, that's all, because it's hard to see how driving off the woman's last relative standing is a benefit to her.

The rules seem to have been dreamed up by people who have never in their lives fought with a sibling, cared for a naughty child or been driven to drink by a recalcitrant elder. Personally I'd like another law that says anybody involved in creating these policies has to spend three months in the front line wearing a body cam.

I also have to admit that if you got, say, a week in jail for every rude word that passed your lips I'd still be doing time.
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Wow, Blackbenz15, the nerve of your mother!! I'm assuming she complained about you to someone at the AL and they called APS? I'd stop visiting her for a (maybe long) while...
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I feel your frustration I am there as well and all I know is you need help. That’s the only way I was able to do it. My sister in law came out to help me imagine that but my two retired sisters as they come up with excuses to not help. What you are going through is normal no one can care for the elderly by themselves. They have shift work at nursing homes for that reason it takes at least two people that are dedicated to your mom. I have assisted who is able to help but she will not do any if my moms hygiene. You need a break. Reach out to family close friends your church. Any break or assistance when your tired will help you get through those moments you feel frustrated and exhausted. You are doing your best remember that at least you are there for her. Keep praying for strength and I will pray after I submit this respose. I pray for you to have strength and that help will be available soon. Breathe
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I too empathize with you. You can only do so much, however, and sadly you can’t control your mother’s behavior.

If your mother has resources let her increase the care hours she needs and pay CG’s for that time. You need to live your life too - so young at 47!
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APS did what??? Are we in a police state now? If I ever get any of that, it will be "YOU take care of her then!" and I go out the door; same as you did. Not only that, don't feel badly; sounds as if no one can manage her, least of all family, whose buttons she knows.
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Im so sorry to hear what you are enduring. My mother got kicked out of her assisted living because she was smoking in the bathroom...the fire dept had to be called since she locked herself in. She refused meds, care, meals....she made life miserable for her caregivers. I had to move her to another place.
Shes unhappy there now and ive been there on many occasions where she's filthy and smelly and her hair is greasy...she always wants to refuse even when i tell her she smells like piss and sweat and unwashed ass. I clean her up when i find her like that. I showed up to get her for a doctor's appointment and when i arrived she was refusing to take her meds. I ended up feeding her the pills one by one and told her to stop acting like an asshole.
APS showed up at my house and was questioning me about calling her an asshole (in which i said, she was acting like one). They told me she confirmed this and told me my visits need to be supervised...i told them f^÷>k her and f^÷>k that place. I wont be visiting anytime soon. She has succeeded in pushing everyone away.
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I have a relative who has suddenly given up on recovery because she feels like she needs more rest and it's so frustrating to watch her do this to herself. I'm sending lots of good wishes your way that you find a path out of this situation.
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MissusR72 - I'm sorry I haven't responded to your earlier posts - I haven't been following the site as much since my mother died last July.

I can totally relate to your situation with your mother.  My mother was much the same.  Old people can become very self-centered.  The can begin to focus on their own comfort and preferences to the exclusion of all else.  And it is SO hard to draw boundaries with them, especially when they're frail and helpless as your mother seems to be (or preferring to be).

My mother like yours wanted everything done for her, even things she could do herself. And there seemed to be no limits on what her comfort required. She was the type who wouldn't hesitate to ask you to rearrange the furniture if you stopped by to drop off the mail.

It isn't just that that the situation is upsetting you.  She's trying to minimize it, make it more manageable, by suggesting that.  The problem is that you just can't do this over the long term. Your mother could live for years in this condition.  You can't spend years sleeping away from home, missing out on sleep, straining your joints and back, and stewing in misery and frustration.

You are going to need to draw a line somewhere. It would be good if you could get your siblings to back you up, but failing that, get your husband to back you up. If I were you, I'd draw the line at dressing and toileting. If she can't do those things unaided, she need to go to rehab until she can.  You can't be emptying commodes and bedpans for years on end.  If she were in the last days of life, it would be one thing.  But she may be years from the end. You should not let her keep setting the terms for your involvement.  You need to set those terms. 

You caring for her at home, waiting on her hand and foot, is destroying all her incentive to get better. If she has to go to rehab in a facility, she will be much more motivated to get up and walk and do things for herself so she can come back home again.  That is my strong suggestion, FWIW.
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Suppose you had not sprained your back, but ruptured a disk. What would be your mother's options then?

I think your mother is trying to find ways that are easier, with her switching from bathroom to commode to bedpan - the bathroom was a kerfuffle, let's try this, no, okay, let's try that - but none of it's working.

Caregiving for somebody with such advanced needs really is not a one person job anyway. When the one person is, as you so beautifully put it, not 21 any more shall we say; and is not trained, or experienced, or qualified... to be honest, it's amazing anybody ever does get through it. Heaven knows why we think being a person's blood relation suddenly makes us expert superfit care professionals...

I muse, merely. What are the options? I think at this point you're going to have to line them up, pick the closest match to what you *both* want - because you two are on the same page, you both want her to be excellently cared-for and you not to break - and start making it happen.
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What would you want your husband to do if it were his mother in this scenario?
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You’ve got to make the tough decision to not spend the night. It’s not right for you or your own family. It’s enabling mom to put off and avoid what’s best for her. She either needs a trained caregiver in her home overnight, or to live somewhere that provides care around the clock. My dad is barely making it in his home alone. Our family knows the day is coming that he’s got to make a different choice. But we’re not staying with him to avoid the inevitable. Really, stop spending the night, stay home with your family
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She has a caregiver come during the day and I've been staying at night, away from my home and husband. She will apologize and say "I've got some thinking to do," then tell me what is is - and it's her brother coming over to take care of her while I go out and do something fun. I honestly think after her blow up with me tonight and her seeing how truly upset I became, she started to see what was wrong with me, and you are right, I need to ask her what the alternative to me is, since she has finally come to the realization that she is truly taking up too much of my time.

"You won't let him take you to the commode, or bed pan you like I have been, and you do not get along with him you just said he drives you crazy."

She had to think a minute on that one. I'm sure she was trying but it seemed disingenuous. It smacks of 'Here watch me be nice on one or two occasions, but when you ask me to participate in my own recovery, this is my way of showing you I won't have to because I was nice.'

Any of you who have had mothers know them better than they know themselves...
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Aww, it's going to be ok. You have some decisions to make, but it's going to be ok.
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You are burned out and you need help. She is living on her own with a caregiver? She sounds passive-aggressive. She is demanding then apologizes for being so, then makes more demands.

“Mom, you need to get up and move if you are going to have any chance at getting better, or at least not getting worse. Listen, if you want to stay in bed all day, go ahead. But I can’t move you and your stuff around any more. It’s too heavy for me and I’m hurting myself doing it. Im going to have to step back for my own health. We need to find a better place for you to go where there are enough people to give you the care you deserve. It’s not me. I can’t do it any more. Let’s talk about where a better place for you might be.”
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