I can't believe its come to this or that I am even contemplating this.

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Me and my sister have 50, 50 Power of Attorney and control over my mother's finances. We agreed upon this when we found out she had Alzheimer's. At that time everything was fine between us, we as good as it gets anyway. I now know she had a reason for this.

Everything including my mother's care was to be 50, 50. She would have her in the summer months and I would have her in the winter months. She lives back east and I live in the south. This has not turned out to be the case. I'm luck if she even calls to say hello to her. She has told me that she does not care if she see's her, put her in a home on and on. We fight all the time. Its been three years now and she refuses to even take her for a few weeks to allow me to go on vacation. I'm exhausted, burnt out and getting ill.

I have tried to talk to her and she gets hateful and acts like I'm lying. She brings up stupid stuff that happened when she was a teenager, tries to make everyone think that my mother is just an awful person, quite the opposite, she is kind, loving and caring.

The only thing my sister does is keep close tabs on Mom's bank account, I'm told off if I buy her clothes, quizzed on every purchase on her credit card and its so obvious that its for my mother. She barley spends a dime but my sister is so worried over her inheritance that I'm just disgusted with it all.

Can anyone tell me any legal rights? My legal rights? My bills have doubled and some tripled utilities, grocery's, etc. my sister will allow Mom to purchase grocery's once a month. My sister is just kicking back waiting for something to happen to mom so she can rush in and get the money, sell the family farm etc.

Once I suggested that mom pitch in and help with the house hold bills and she made me feel so bad for even mentioning this that I never said anything again. Things came to blows again last night and that is why I'm asking this question. Is it out of line to request help? I'm not destitute or anything but why should I do everything and her nothing? May I add she is going on vacation for the 3 year in a row because she is so stressed out????? she answers phones. I work all day, and come home and sit all night with Mom and Weekends are the same, I have absolutely NO life. as much as I love my Mom and will continue to take care of her can someone please tell me if I'm out of line. Thanks you for any input. May I add, I have been so depressed for a few years I even took steps to talk to a counselor, they told me that there is nothing wrong with me mentally I have just been handed a bucket of crap from my family.

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It is not only hard but its extremely upsetting for someone that could care less to sit and pretend that they are doing everything that they can do. when she is around my relatives she makes a fool of herself, always fake crying and saying we do everything we can to take care of Mom, they come up to me after and say Really, we have never seen her do a thing, its always you, has she even had her to her home lately? Its a very hard job, the worse part is the emotional and mental watching you parent go down hill. In my case I'm luck on that Mom is still in good condition. I only have one to go up against, I feel for you having 2 of them that would drive me right out of my mind. and its all just because your trying your best to take care of a parent?? Some people are cruel and heartless.
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Good for you, Aveeno! It is difficult caring for a parent as it is, then add in the accusations, attacks, verbal abuse, incorrect assumptions it becomes impossible to do anything to care for yourself. I know, been there, done that. I threw up the white flag last June and decided my life was more important and dealing with the CRAP from my two sisters was more than I was going to deal with any longer.

Why did this happen in my case? Because my twisted sisters did not believe what I was telling them about mom and her behaviors. So, tw2 moved mom to a care facility in June last year which she thought would be an easy adjustment. I still have an email she sent a week after the move that from what she read "it will take a few weeks for mom to adjust to her new surroundings". HA! It is now nine months later and I guess mom is still adjusting. What an eye opener for those twisteds of mine. And who is this the hardest on? My mom and her hubby that ended up in the cross fire, and ts2 who is POA finally just beginning to GET IT! And she is not providing the care as I did for four very difficult years that would have been much easier if I had been an only child.
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I finally took the final steps to end this all. As much as it hurt to do this I realized that most of my stress was the back and forth with my sister. She has an excuse for everything and it's always so twisted. I wrote her a letter, let her know that I will always care about my family but could no longer deal with the day to day emails, accusations and just over all non caring for my Mom. I told her that if someone became sick, or I needed information concerning Mom that I would email her, other than that if my phone rings and I see her name I will had the phone straight to mom. She wrote a long email this morning, I saw the email and saved it to a file, I wrote back that I acknowledge the letter however I choose not to read it at this time. I let her know that 85% of my stress is listening to this stuff day after day and it had to stop. Of course I have received 3 more since this morning and I'm not responding.
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Your mother does sound as though she has capacity - if so let her do what SHE wants to do and let HER do what you and she want for her - to enjoy her life. There is no emotional gain to be had from you having to argue with your sister and I imagine Mum is probably quite aware of it. If she wants to sign the farm over to you let her but get it done legally and tight as a drum. Then you can work on making her life wonderful. You have such a solid head on your shoulders Aveeno and I just know you will do the right thing by everyone - including your late Dad.
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Jeannegibbs brought up the best point to date - so simple it's a "duh, why did I think of that" for me. If you mother is competent you absolutly do not need your sisters involvement, authorization, nothing - POA allows the agent (you and sis) to legally act in place of the principal (your mother). It does not mean you can over-ride ANY decision your mother makes nor does it mean your mother can not spend her money any way she chooses. Keep reciepts and notes and just get on with your lives. It's sad about sis - I have one brother who has next to nothing to do with our mother. It makes mom sad but it is what it is.
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I failed to mention after the last fight I requested that the finance end be turned over to a lawyer. I could care less as long as I can allow my mom to have a wonderful time in her final years with no hassle. I do understand the importance of being mindful and careful so she can be provided for but as far as 50 50 I find it to be the wrong so very wrong thing to do. I hope this helps others in my situation think before doing, I really would have had no idea. I did ask at the time of the papers being drawn up to have it 50 50 with a mutual party as the decision maker. My sister agreed but wanted it to be her friend. hahahahah REALLY, I think back on how gullible I was and really hope that this just helps on other person think before they act. I love you all
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I really don't want to take my sisters portion of an inheritance if there is one. Other than the family farm I have no concerns on that, I'm in hopes that there is nothing left because my mom is way more important and I believe that no matter what good people are taken care of. I may not have the best of everything but I don't really want for anything, my home is very small but I have one, I'm one of those people that never really cared what they drove as long as I had something to get me from point a to b. My husband is very hard working as I am and he provides well for his family. On the other hand my sister could care less, answers phones and don't take that wrong there is nothing wrong with that as least she works but she has no ambitions and I see her husband as being lazy. I look at it as though they are entitlement people, think that just because they were born into a family they don't have to do anything just kick back and wait. My disappointment is the way Mom is treated or should I say not treated, they never call or come see her.

Of course we all know I do have a huge concern over the farm and Mom has said several times that she wants me to have it and she will sign the papers, has told many people that and I have had several opportunities to have her sign the papers but did not feel right about doing that. Mom really is competent. I told my sister that I was going for guardianship and she went nuts, then she threw into my face that she could not believe that I would take mom to court and embrace her that way. Again, I explained the whole thing to mom and she told me to draw up the papers and she would just sign them, she wants to stay with us.

I guess I just needed to talk to someone that is nutural (All of you) to sort things out in my head. My husband even told Mom, not to worry that we will purchase farm from my sister and if we are not able to worse case we will have 1/2. All of these conversations were before it became so out of hand. but now I'm starting to think if she is unwilling to help, speaking to me that way, and not even making an attempt to see mom why not take the farm.

I guess a lot of my emotions come from what would dad do or think, then I start
wondering what would Dad do or think if her were here. I remember being told that when his mother died one sister refused to pay her part to put her away, my Dad much like me was full of emotions. He of course stepped up and took care of it all, he had 4 sisters 2 could not help due to finances and 1 of course did everything she could, the other actually refused so he made her sign a paper stating that she refused to actually pay her part to put her mother away, I have no idea why, he only kept it in his safe maybe to look at once in a while as a reminder, I actually have the paper in my possession, she has grown kids and they have NO idea and I will take that to my grave. Dad also had a sister that was poor so she came to him and they made arrangements that if he would take care of her and her husband they would sign over there home which was a little shack, meant nothing to him but he was just so kind and caring and such a family person.

We are not wealthy by any means but my husband is a wonderful provider and I am lucky to have a very good job so its not that we really want for anything, that is why I'm not worried about mom's money I hope she outlast the money, my only concern is the farm, its in my blood. I can go there and almost see my grandparents and my father and when the day comes Mom's spirit will be there also I guess that is why I'm contemplating forcing her to sign it over. I ask her twice and she goes nuts, she is just waiting to sell it, she hates the place, she has even told me that she does not get attached or has any type of sentiment to anything.

She tries to tell me that she does not care about money or the farm so question, if that is true and My family is taking care of everything why would she have any problem signing over the farm but instead she will try to play on me and tell me how wrong I am to try to change Mom and Dads wishes. This is why I have come to all of you, trying to sort it all out in my head. I have no children and would not consider leaving my niece anything after the way she has acted, she is worse than my sister. My thoughts are if I do manage to get the farm, my husband has a special needs son, I have thoughts and dreams of one day carrying out my father and mothers dreams and building a home on the hill. Dad became sick before he could follow through. Then at the time Me and my husband are gone it would be left to the special needs foundation for a special needs camp or such and make it a place my step son could live for life. I hope now you all understand my thoughts and why I am contemplating following through on all of this. We need a larger home but I also realize there could come a time that mom's money runs out so I am thinking I will just speak to my husband and add a room to our home, we can cover everything on my salary alone so just in case that would able us to provide for mom.

With your help and advice I have decided and realize that she won't do anything but yell about the money, she sure would not spend a dime of hers to take me to court plus I have been told that in the State of Texas there is no 50 50 on a POA there is a primary and a secondary. I have found a place just a few hours away, its beautiful, a day spa and B&B, with the confidence that you have gave to me, I'm going to take mom for a long weekend and let her have the time of her life. I know this will be a big issue with my sister because I will pay my 1/2 and mom will pay hers. We take her on every vacation that we go on and she pays her 1/2 well not really but she contributes a little, she can afford it and each time my sister screams and yells. Really work your whole life to be told that you can't have a nice time with your money. All of you have been so much help and I appreciate all the comments, advice and welcome anything that you have to say or offer to my situation. You all have also help me see that if she will not take mom so I can get some rest, I don't care I will hire someone to come sit at the house with her. I get 5 weeks vacation, One is spent at the farm with mom we take her home once a year, she so looks forward to this and I will for the rest of her life. Of course again each year my sister and niece yell at me because they have taken moms car and have to make sure its back in the garage. But from now on we will twice a year schedule a vacation and hire someone to stay with mom.

I have never felt such contempt for anyone, but with all that has been said and done the day something happens to mom is the day I say goodbye to my sister and niece, its pretty much that way now except for things that have to be discussed and that is less and less.
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But then possibly Aveeno has a conscience and she will have to live with her decisions and her actions. We are all responsible for what we do.

What I am saying is that it is unethical to advise someone to cause emotional stress to a vulnerable person since to cause undue emotional stress to a vulnerable person is emotional abuse and therefore illegal under every state's law.

It would be in Aveeno's best interest to deal with this calmly and quietly and firmly without making trouble if she possibly can since making anyones life a living hell is harmful to the individual exacting retribution too and I think Aveeno has enough on her plate right now.

Interestingly the American bar association notes this in relation to pro bono paralegals:
Since pro bono legal services are subject to all the same legal responsibilities as paid legal services,it is advisable for a pro bono program to have malpractice liability insurance that covers the attorney and all other volunteers (i.e. paralegals).
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Convincing Mom to cut sis out of the Will if she is truly incapacitated by dementia is illegal and you might now what to go this route. However, if she is not incapacitated, there is no reason not to tell her how evil sis is. She might change her mind on her own with no lawyer involved. I just know that my brother used undue influence on my Dad to revoke the trust and prevent me from allowing him to write a new Will. This is illegal. It is undue influence. It will take a few hundred thousand to prove, which is about as much as I'd gain, so this does not seem to me to be the best path. But then again, I have no respect for our corrupt laws made by our corrupt ruling class. What you do is up to you. Don't let the people on this site BULLY YOU into doing the opposite of what you want to do just because it is not the advice a lawyer will give. Lawyers do not always give the best advice because they don't want to lose their bar license. For example, if a person kills someone and then leaves the scene of the accident, this is illegal. No attorney can advise it. However, if you ask if it is probably the best thing to do, they will admit that if there are no witnesses and you don't get caught, even if they eventually find you, the sentence will be less severe than if you stayed and faced the music (let the police arrest you and test for alcohol or drugs in your system). Those who hate breaking laws should ignore my advice if they have a different ethical point of view. I just know that if I were in Aveeno's shoes, I'd make life for sis a living hell as legally as possible.
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What Socrates proposes is illegal, unethical and could potentially get her disbarred if in fact she is an attorney at all you say. I am not an attorney so I cannot be disbarred. Everyone on this site is giving legal advice without a law degree. My advice is not illegal or unethical. If I told you to kill you sister, that would be illegal and unethical (although it might make you feel better). Do you know how many cases I've seen probated where "undue influence" is so hard to prove and so costly to litigate? Undue influence is just a legal term for being a bully. How does one handle a bully legally? With a lawyer. Illegally -- well you know what OJ did to his wife and got away with it. This is NOT what I advise. Do not commit murder. Does you husband have a gun? Let him deal with your sister if you get sick of doing thing the legal right way that will cost a lot of money. No one can ever make you testify against your husband.
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