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Me and my sister have 50, 50 Power of Attorney and control over my mother's finances. We agreed upon this when we found out she had Alzheimer's. At that time everything was fine between us, we as good as it gets anyway. I now know she had a reason for this.

Everything including my mother's care was to be 50, 50. She would have her in the summer months and I would have her in the winter months. She lives back east and I live in the south. This has not turned out to be the case. I'm luck if she even calls to say hello to her. She has told me that she does not care if she see's her, put her in a home on and on. We fight all the time. Its been three years now and she refuses to even take her for a few weeks to allow me to go on vacation. I'm exhausted, burnt out and getting ill.

I have tried to talk to her and she gets hateful and acts like I'm lying. She brings up stupid stuff that happened when she was a teenager, tries to make everyone think that my mother is just an awful person, quite the opposite, she is kind, loving and caring.

The only thing my sister does is keep close tabs on Mom's bank account, I'm told off if I buy her clothes, quizzed on every purchase on her credit card and its so obvious that its for my mother. She barley spends a dime but my sister is so worried over her inheritance that I'm just disgusted with it all.

Can anyone tell me any legal rights? My legal rights? My bills have doubled and some tripled utilities, grocery's, etc. my sister will allow Mom to purchase grocery's once a month. My sister is just kicking back waiting for something to happen to mom so she can rush in and get the money, sell the family farm etc.

Once I suggested that mom pitch in and help with the house hold bills and she made me feel so bad for even mentioning this that I never said anything again. Things came to blows again last night and that is why I'm asking this question. Is it out of line to request help? I'm not destitute or anything but why should I do everything and her nothing? May I add she is going on vacation for the 3 year in a row because she is so stressed out????? she answers phones. I work all day, and come home and sit all night with Mom and Weekends are the same, I have absolutely NO life. as much as I love my Mom and will continue to take care of her can someone please tell me if I'm out of line. Thanks you for any input. May I add, I have been so depressed for a few years I even took steps to talk to a counselor, they told me that there is nothing wrong with me mentally I have just been handed a bucket of crap from my family.

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It is not only hard but its extremely upsetting for someone that could care less to sit and pretend that they are doing everything that they can do. when she is around my relatives she makes a fool of herself, always fake crying and saying we do everything we can to take care of Mom, they come up to me after and say Really, we have never seen her do a thing, its always you, has she even had her to her home lately? Its a very hard job, the worse part is the emotional and mental watching you parent go down hill. In my case I'm luck on that Mom is still in good condition. I only have one to go up against, I feel for you having 2 of them that would drive me right out of my mind. and its all just because your trying your best to take care of a parent?? Some people are cruel and heartless.
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Good for you, Aveeno! It is difficult caring for a parent as it is, then add in the accusations, attacks, verbal abuse, incorrect assumptions it becomes impossible to do anything to care for yourself. I know, been there, done that. I threw up the white flag last June and decided my life was more important and dealing with the CRAP from my two sisters was more than I was going to deal with any longer.

Why did this happen in my case? Because my twisted sisters did not believe what I was telling them about mom and her behaviors. So, tw2 moved mom to a care facility in June last year which she thought would be an easy adjustment. I still have an email she sent a week after the move that from what she read "it will take a few weeks for mom to adjust to her new surroundings". HA! It is now nine months later and I guess mom is still adjusting. What an eye opener for those twisteds of mine. And who is this the hardest on? My mom and her hubby that ended up in the cross fire, and ts2 who is POA finally just beginning to GET IT! And she is not providing the care as I did for four very difficult years that would have been much easier if I had been an only child.
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I finally took the final steps to end this all. As much as it hurt to do this I realized that most of my stress was the back and forth with my sister. She has an excuse for everything and it's always so twisted. I wrote her a letter, let her know that I will always care about my family but could no longer deal with the day to day emails, accusations and just over all non caring for my Mom. I told her that if someone became sick, or I needed information concerning Mom that I would email her, other than that if my phone rings and I see her name I will had the phone straight to mom. She wrote a long email this morning, I saw the email and saved it to a file, I wrote back that I acknowledge the letter however I choose not to read it at this time. I let her know that 85% of my stress is listening to this stuff day after day and it had to stop. Of course I have received 3 more since this morning and I'm not responding.
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Your mother does sound as though she has capacity - if so let her do what SHE wants to do and let HER do what you and she want for her - to enjoy her life. There is no emotional gain to be had from you having to argue with your sister and I imagine Mum is probably quite aware of it. If she wants to sign the farm over to you let her but get it done legally and tight as a drum. Then you can work on making her life wonderful. You have such a solid head on your shoulders Aveeno and I just know you will do the right thing by everyone - including your late Dad.
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Jeannegibbs brought up the best point to date - so simple it's a "duh, why did I think of that" for me. If you mother is competent you absolutly do not need your sisters involvement, authorization, nothing - POA allows the agent (you and sis) to legally act in place of the principal (your mother). It does not mean you can over-ride ANY decision your mother makes nor does it mean your mother can not spend her money any way she chooses. Keep reciepts and notes and just get on with your lives. It's sad about sis - I have one brother who has next to nothing to do with our mother. It makes mom sad but it is what it is.
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I failed to mention after the last fight I requested that the finance end be turned over to a lawyer. I could care less as long as I can allow my mom to have a wonderful time in her final years with no hassle. I do understand the importance of being mindful and careful so she can be provided for but as far as 50 50 I find it to be the wrong so very wrong thing to do. I hope this helps others in my situation think before doing, I really would have had no idea. I did ask at the time of the papers being drawn up to have it 50 50 with a mutual party as the decision maker. My sister agreed but wanted it to be her friend. hahahahah REALLY, I think back on how gullible I was and really hope that this just helps on other person think before they act. I love you all
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I really don't want to take my sisters portion of an inheritance if there is one. Other than the family farm I have no concerns on that, I'm in hopes that there is nothing left because my mom is way more important and I believe that no matter what good people are taken care of. I may not have the best of everything but I don't really want for anything, my home is very small but I have one, I'm one of those people that never really cared what they drove as long as I had something to get me from point a to b. My husband is very hard working as I am and he provides well for his family. On the other hand my sister could care less, answers phones and don't take that wrong there is nothing wrong with that as least she works but she has no ambitions and I see her husband as being lazy. I look at it as though they are entitlement people, think that just because they were born into a family they don't have to do anything just kick back and wait. My disappointment is the way Mom is treated or should I say not treated, they never call or come see her.

Of course we all know I do have a huge concern over the farm and Mom has said several times that she wants me to have it and she will sign the papers, has told many people that and I have had several opportunities to have her sign the papers but did not feel right about doing that. Mom really is competent. I told my sister that I was going for guardianship and she went nuts, then she threw into my face that she could not believe that I would take mom to court and embrace her that way. Again, I explained the whole thing to mom and she told me to draw up the papers and she would just sign them, she wants to stay with us.

I guess I just needed to talk to someone that is nutural (All of you) to sort things out in my head. My husband even told Mom, not to worry that we will purchase farm from my sister and if we are not able to worse case we will have 1/2. All of these conversations were before it became so out of hand. but now I'm starting to think if she is unwilling to help, speaking to me that way, and not even making an attempt to see mom why not take the farm.

I guess a lot of my emotions come from what would dad do or think, then I start
wondering what would Dad do or think if her were here. I remember being told that when his mother died one sister refused to pay her part to put her away, my Dad much like me was full of emotions. He of course stepped up and took care of it all, he had 4 sisters 2 could not help due to finances and 1 of course did everything she could, the other actually refused so he made her sign a paper stating that she refused to actually pay her part to put her mother away, I have no idea why, he only kept it in his safe maybe to look at once in a while as a reminder, I actually have the paper in my possession, she has grown kids and they have NO idea and I will take that to my grave. Dad also had a sister that was poor so she came to him and they made arrangements that if he would take care of her and her husband they would sign over there home which was a little shack, meant nothing to him but he was just so kind and caring and such a family person.

We are not wealthy by any means but my husband is a wonderful provider and I am lucky to have a very good job so its not that we really want for anything, that is why I'm not worried about mom's money I hope she outlast the money, my only concern is the farm, its in my blood. I can go there and almost see my grandparents and my father and when the day comes Mom's spirit will be there also I guess that is why I'm contemplating forcing her to sign it over. I ask her twice and she goes nuts, she is just waiting to sell it, she hates the place, she has even told me that she does not get attached or has any type of sentiment to anything.

She tries to tell me that she does not care about money or the farm so question, if that is true and My family is taking care of everything why would she have any problem signing over the farm but instead she will try to play on me and tell me how wrong I am to try to change Mom and Dads wishes. This is why I have come to all of you, trying to sort it all out in my head. I have no children and would not consider leaving my niece anything after the way she has acted, she is worse than my sister. My thoughts are if I do manage to get the farm, my husband has a special needs son, I have thoughts and dreams of one day carrying out my father and mothers dreams and building a home on the hill. Dad became sick before he could follow through. Then at the time Me and my husband are gone it would be left to the special needs foundation for a special needs camp or such and make it a place my step son could live for life. I hope now you all understand my thoughts and why I am contemplating following through on all of this. We need a larger home but I also realize there could come a time that mom's money runs out so I am thinking I will just speak to my husband and add a room to our home, we can cover everything on my salary alone so just in case that would able us to provide for mom.

With your help and advice I have decided and realize that she won't do anything but yell about the money, she sure would not spend a dime of hers to take me to court plus I have been told that in the State of Texas there is no 50 50 on a POA there is a primary and a secondary. I have found a place just a few hours away, its beautiful, a day spa and B&B, with the confidence that you have gave to me, I'm going to take mom for a long weekend and let her have the time of her life. I know this will be a big issue with my sister because I will pay my 1/2 and mom will pay hers. We take her on every vacation that we go on and she pays her 1/2 well not really but she contributes a little, she can afford it and each time my sister screams and yells. Really work your whole life to be told that you can't have a nice time with your money. All of you have been so much help and I appreciate all the comments, advice and welcome anything that you have to say or offer to my situation. You all have also help me see that if she will not take mom so I can get some rest, I don't care I will hire someone to come sit at the house with her. I get 5 weeks vacation, One is spent at the farm with mom we take her home once a year, she so looks forward to this and I will for the rest of her life. Of course again each year my sister and niece yell at me because they have taken moms car and have to make sure its back in the garage. But from now on we will twice a year schedule a vacation and hire someone to stay with mom.

I have never felt such contempt for anyone, but with all that has been said and done the day something happens to mom is the day I say goodbye to my sister and niece, its pretty much that way now except for things that have to be discussed and that is less and less.
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But then possibly Aveeno has a conscience and she will have to live with her decisions and her actions. We are all responsible for what we do.

What I am saying is that it is unethical to advise someone to cause emotional stress to a vulnerable person since to cause undue emotional stress to a vulnerable person is emotional abuse and therefore illegal under every state's law.

It would be in Aveeno's best interest to deal with this calmly and quietly and firmly without making trouble if she possibly can since making anyones life a living hell is harmful to the individual exacting retribution too and I think Aveeno has enough on her plate right now.

Interestingly the American bar association notes this in relation to pro bono paralegals:
Since pro bono legal services are subject to all the same legal responsibilities as paid legal services,it is advisable for a pro bono program to have malpractice liability insurance that covers the attorney and all other volunteers (i.e. paralegals).
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Convincing Mom to cut sis out of the Will if she is truly incapacitated by dementia is illegal and you might now what to go this route. However, if she is not incapacitated, there is no reason not to tell her how evil sis is. She might change her mind on her own with no lawyer involved. I just know that my brother used undue influence on my Dad to revoke the trust and prevent me from allowing him to write a new Will. This is illegal. It is undue influence. It will take a few hundred thousand to prove, which is about as much as I'd gain, so this does not seem to me to be the best path. But then again, I have no respect for our corrupt laws made by our corrupt ruling class. What you do is up to you. Don't let the people on this site BULLY YOU into doing the opposite of what you want to do just because it is not the advice a lawyer will give. Lawyers do not always give the best advice because they don't want to lose their bar license. For example, if a person kills someone and then leaves the scene of the accident, this is illegal. No attorney can advise it. However, if you ask if it is probably the best thing to do, they will admit that if there are no witnesses and you don't get caught, even if they eventually find you, the sentence will be less severe than if you stayed and faced the music (let the police arrest you and test for alcohol or drugs in your system). Those who hate breaking laws should ignore my advice if they have a different ethical point of view. I just know that if I were in Aveeno's shoes, I'd make life for sis a living hell as legally as possible.
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What Socrates proposes is illegal, unethical and could potentially get her disbarred if in fact she is an attorney at all you say. I am not an attorney so I cannot be disbarred. Everyone on this site is giving legal advice without a law degree. My advice is not illegal or unethical. If I told you to kill you sister, that would be illegal and unethical (although it might make you feel better). Do you know how many cases I've seen probated where "undue influence" is so hard to prove and so costly to litigate? Undue influence is just a legal term for being a bully. How does one handle a bully legally? With a lawyer. Illegally -- well you know what OJ did to his wife and got away with it. This is NOT what I advise. Do not commit murder. Does you husband have a gun? Let him deal with your sister if you get sick of doing thing the legal right way that will cost a lot of money. No one can ever make you testify against your husband.
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It truly sounds like your mom would be able to revoke the POA and sign a new one, with just you on it. Dementia does NOT take away someone's rights in the US. Our lawyer explained what the POA was to my husband. She asked him if he understood. He replied that it meant Jeanne can handle our finances and she can make decisions for both of us. The lawyer asked if that was what he wanted. He said yes. I became his POA.

It seems to me your life would be far easier if you and mom go to an Elder Law attorney in the state where you live, and get the POA issue settled first.

Your mother still has the right to spend her own money as she wants. She does not need permission from you or from your sister to consult a lawyer if she wants to and pay for it out of her own funds.
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If I were you, this is honestly what I would do - I would act as if the sister had no POA authority. Period. Do what you need to do, buy what you need to buy, spend what you need to spend. If mom is paying for a daily caregiver I don't think I'd bother with an additional contract between mom and yourself. If you sister has a fit refuse to engage - hang up the phone. Keep all your reciepts, some of the caregivers here use binders for organization of reciepts, dr visits etc. make notes about the whats and whys. If your sister doesn't like it SHE can pay an attorney - which she probably won't do because she won't want to part with her money AND she knows she is in the wrong - not holding up her end of the arrangment. If sis does involve an attorney it could be for the best for you - her hand could be forced into either stepping up or stepping off. For now - forget about the will, the farm, the inheritance - none of that matters unless your mother is dead, right? Focus on what you need to get through a current day.
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Glad I am so pleased you posted on this. We have slightly different rules in UK over capacity. The person has to be able to do more than 'in the moment' they have to broadly, understand what they are doing, AND the effects of their actions. Any legal representative would be disbarred for even advocating coercion or inducement in the UK and I am appalled that it should even have been suggested.
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WOW! I would not talk to a lawyer that wanted to convince me to convince my mom to change her POA or will in favor of me, leaving siblings out. This is unethical and illegal and would be considered undue influence if you mother has progressed in her dementia to incompetence.

Just because a person has dementia does not make them incompetent, though with time it usually does. Dementia does not take your mother's rights away. All she needs to do is understand "in the moment" what the POA is and what it is doing in order to execute a new one.

Too many times the non-caregiver siblings are as you describe "Aveeno". Do not talk with sis, e-mail only so you have copies of everything. If you have to speak with her, document very well what the conversation is.

And get your mother an attorney, specializes in elder law. I would not hesitate to ask the court for a conservator and guardian to protect your mother from these battling sisters. We did just that in our case, and yes it cost a significant amount of money, but was the best solution that kept the personalities out of it. You may want to start by finding a Geriatric Care Manager to work with MOM, not you, to help her determine what she wants to do. That is the best protection that you can provide yourself. And it is on Mom's dime as the purpose is in you mom's best interest.

And you should be paid for the care you provide. I hope mom is paying for her daytime caregiver. I would also plan a vacation, you need the break, and either bring a 24/7 caregiver in for mom while you are gone, or find a memory care facility that offers respite care. This is also on Mom's dime.

I would not talk or develop a relationship with an attorney that is suggesting as Socrates is. What she proposes is illegal, unethical and could potentially get her disbarred if in fact she is an attorney at all.

Find an elder care attorney for your mom, most often they will offer a free 1/2 hour consultation to discuss the situation. They will want to speak with mom alone, away from any potential for coersion from you.

I have been through exactly as you describe with two siblings that actually e-mailed me to say they wanted to pay me for the 24/7 care I provided my mom. But, also stated that mom wanted money left for all of us. Very good example of how they were concerned about the money left for them and not paying for the care my mother needed. Yes, I took them to court, and I won!
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In all probability a person with a dementia would not be able to revoke a POA and this may not be contrived by anyone pro bono or otherwise for it is illegal. If that is the case then the only thing that can happen is for you to raise a challenge to the POA as it stands and at that point the courts will either make a decision in favour of one or other or award your mother the protection of a ward of court and they will make decisions in her best interests, they will not give one iota of a care about finances other than to see that they are spent in your mother's best interests which is exactly what both of you as POAS should be doing but which is clearly not working from your sister's end.

To convince an elderly person with a dementia to change their will in favour of an individual is considered to be coercive and is regarded as abuse. Unless your mother can rationalise without assistance why she wants to change her will and understands the consequences and that indeed this might be the last opportunity she has to change her will then she does not have the capacity to change her will anyway.

To contrive this is also illegal, pro bono or otherwise.

It is wide open to challenge which would also result in the lawyers gaining money. Again offering ill thought through advice Socrates and you may not put your email address in posts
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OhJude stated "Alternatively you can tell your sister that if she continues to be unpleasant and intransigent (seeing as she does nothing positive) then you will ask for your Mum to be made a ward of court and then there will be independent decisions made on where money is spent. Point out that you don't want to do this as it will incur significant costs but that is a route you will consider." I believe it is worth a try, but if it does not want, DO NOT MAKE YOUR PARENT A WARD OF THE COURT. That would be a nightmare for everyone, not to mention would cost money. It sounds like your sister is a bully and you don't want to confront her any longer because it is too stressful. Am I correct on that? I am glad your husband will be there soon to help you. Your sister obviously does not care about your mother and wants to inherit as much money as possible even if Mom gets lousy care. Reasoning with her clearly is not working for you now. The best thing you can do is convince your mother what kind of person your sister is and get her to cut her out of the Will completely. Then she won't bother you because there will be no money to inherit. I honestly believe that is your best solution and will glad to give you whatever help you need with letters to your sister from a lawyer. I feel like you do. No nursing home unless medically necessary. A loving daughter is always best and you are a loving daughter. You can not walk away from a bully like your sister. You can either fight her legally or kill her and I strongly suggest you do not let your anxiety attack (sick to stomach and shaking with rage.....insomnia....I've been there Aveeno and I empathize. Please contact me if you want private advice. No charge. I work pro bono for those in dire need and you are clearly in need of help. I am so glad you have a husband to lean on. God Bless.
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I informed my sister that I was going to seek legal advice, I do believe there are thing that need to be discussed such as the caregiver contract, do I need my mothers caregiver to be on a contract. I do not think from what I understand that the POA is good in the state of Texas, it was drawn up in PA and Mom never lived in PA. I tried to be very nice the way I approached her even had Mom's caregiver read my email before I sent it and said if there is anything out of line please tell me.

Well it was worse than I ever imagined. My sister was so mad, started accusing me of all kinds of stuff. Told me that she had 50 50 on the POA and refused her consent for me to speak to an attorney unless I paid for it myself. Then she really showed her colors and said I really don't care because there is only 2 years left on Mom's look back. WOW, that took me over the edge!!!! I told her that she needed to forget the look back that Mom is in good health and will remain in my care NOT A NURSING home until it was medically necessary. Then she went on with a bunch of other words (ALL VERY RUDE).
by time I got to the office my nerves were so tight that I was sick to my stomach, shaking and have been now for 2 days. I understand and everyone tells me to walk away but how do you stop the continued bullshit that she throws out. Happy to say my husband should make it home this weekend so I will be able to discuss all this with him and we can go from there.
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Aveeno seek the assistance of an attorney sweetheart not with your money this is for your mum - you have concerns that the POA as it stands is not acting in your Mums best interests and you want it to be right FOR YOUR MUM. get the POA changed - it is very very easy to do. As for going out, thats fine, tell your sister you are having respite - you are entitled to it and you will be employing a sitter for your Mum to ensure her safety at a cost of 25$ an hour so that will be 100$. Your Mum has the rights here. You cannot MAKE her go anywhere and if she refuses to go to sisters then put her into respite care for a couple of weeks - it will cost an arm and a leg but hey it will for her - if you are burned out and with a B12 deficiency I know you will be from time to time especially when a shot is due then you MUST have a break - no court in the land would disagree.

Put all the regular bills into direct debits so you don't have to deal with them or worry about forgetting them and job done you ca sit back and relax. One of those direct debits should be to you for her rent etc. As for the cleaner. If you sister gets snitty about it explain that she has two choice two no other option. Either you employ a cleaner or you employ a caregiver over and above anything you already have so that you can do the cleaning. You have acted in the most financially savvy way although quite frankly I wouldn't have the conversation.

I know B12 deficiency can make you very edgy about a lot of things too since we all need B12 to repair and maintain our nerves amongst other things. But pick your battle ground. When you have just had your shots and are feeling pretty good then go for it. It's all in the planning me dear but you can do this and as her primary carer I actually think you know you have to so grow a steel backbone stay calm and quiet and don't let her get to you xxx
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its not that mom herself can only purchase grocery's once a month, we are to according to the POA agree on everything, well she will only allow me to purchase grocery's with mom's money once a month, my family is to cover the rest of the grocery's.

I had to get a new caregiver, the last one was burnt out and handicapped. He realized it was time for him to move on even though he still comes to visit due to the love he has for my mother. He would only watch TV with her and do light house work because he was unable. He was a good trusted friend. I hired another lady, she is wonderful for mom but in the job duties I requested that she keep mom's room clean, along with light house work. her salary came to approximately $40.00 more a week than the last one, my sister had the nerve to tell me that since she would be cleaning my house that I would need to pay the balance.

We did try Namenda but it makes her stomach upset and its not good so we had to take her off of it due to the restroom issues.

Mom understands what is going on and she even got on the phone one night and told my sister she does not want the family farm sold and had decided to give it to me. My sister when nuts so I told my Mom not to worry I would figure out how to buy her out. After this weekend and much though of the matter I have decided to fight her on this since she can't be bothered with anything.

I do admit, I have become very rude while talking to her, I'm so tired of the excuses, lies and just over all not caring about my mom. My sister knows that I have bad Vitamin Deficiency's, I was diagnosed about 5 years ago and have to take B12 shots every week or I go down hill very quick so I tire very easy. my close friends and co workers know if I miss a shot and will remind me, they can tell. She also knows that I have a 23 year old special needs step son, he has seizures about every 2 weeks, he is the light of my life and I love him dearly. My husband started a new job about a year ago, the company is coming out of bankruptcy and very short on pilots. He works so hard, I saw him 6 days last month, 2 days at a time so she is also aware that I'm left alone to deal with all of this myself.

My sister know's that she can't touch the money unless I agree and same with me. that is why she watches every dime I spend on mom she is trying to save as much as she can so in the end she can have it. Discussing I know. My family went on vacation last summer, we met my husbands family at a resort, rented a house for the entire family, Mom's portion for everything came to about 500.00 and my sister threw a fit, told me to leave mom at home. So to me she is telling me that now I can't even take mom on a vacation. when my husband comes home we like to go to dinner once in a while, well we don't go anywhere fancy but when you take 4 people out to dinner you can count on at least 100.00 again we are to pay for all of this, when I say this I guess I could just do what I want to but that is when the screaming and yelling come into play. again my fault I guess I just need to get a backbone but I'm still in shock, who would have thought a family member would act this way. The bank account, I can sign on it. most of her money is direct deposit, she receives one check from her investment funds and most of the time I have to photo deposit it because I have issues getting her to the bank, that is why I say credit card because most of the items that she buys are put on the credit card and paid in full at the end of the month. The only thing my sister does is pay mom's bills, I guess I should do it myself but before all this got so out of hand I though it was best because I know this sounds silly most the time my head is spinning and I'm afraid I might forget to pay something like Health Insurance and I would hate that.

I apologize if the letter was all over the page, I'm actually trying to answer the last three peoples questions so I have jumped from one thing to the other. You all have been such a help to me. Its terrible to be in the situation of not knowing how to handle something, at this time I really can't afford an attorney but realize that this is something that I will just have to figure out and take care of anyway.

May I add, My mother ask me the other day to please don't make her go to my sisters house, when I ask why she said I don't like it up there, she said I can't put my finger on it, he has never been mean to me but there is something wrong with your sisters husband and I don't want to go around him. I'm so happy with you honey, can I please stay here so hopefully you can see that even though I would love to have a break I could never send her for more than a week or 2 and she would have to be with her caregiver. Strange before we lost Dad he would tell me the same thing. He always said something is wrong with that man and I just can't figure it out.
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Aveeno firstly sweetheart take a deep breath. There is a little too much going on there and you need to sort out what you can change. Firstly you talked about POA and about a trust.They are not one and the same and it is unlikely that the trust cannot be undone, however it might be expensive to undo it.

As I understand it you are probably POA joint and several which effectively means that you can both act independently. To ensure that money is spent appropriately why don't you set up a specific account for your Mum but with your name and hers on it and transfer funds to it. Im not talking all of it but a significant amount. Others will tell you the US banking law but it can and really should be done so that finances are kept very separate. It also allows you to invest any residual money should you want to.

Now lets talk inheritance. Tell your sister firmly but quietly and calmly that there is NO inheritance until your mother passes on and also tell her that she needs to think well on that.

If she tries to tell you off - tell her that you have all the receipts and can justify every purchase as being in her Mums best interests - what's she going to do other than be nasty. Just put the phone down on her.

Now on to the trust - ask for a copy and get it looked at by a lawyer - you are joint POA you have a right to see it

If you can talk calmly to your Mum why don't you explain that it might be easier if you were the sole POA as you are also the sole carer and see how she feels about it. If she trusts you enough you can take her to an independent lawyer where she can revoke her current POA and make a new one.

Alternatively you can tell your sister that if she continues to be unpleasant and intransigent (seeing as she does nothing positive) then you will ask for your Mum to be made a ward of court and then there will be independent decisions made on where money is spent. Point out that you don't want to do this as it will incur significant costs but that is a route you will consider.

Your Mother should absolutely contribute to the household bills if she is financially able and you should keep receipts for items you buy on her behalf and recoup that money.

One thing you haven't mentioned is her current bank account - I notice you mention the credit card. If you only have joint signatures on the bank account then I would definitely suggest you get Mum to change that to joint and several so you can draw on it if you need to for her.

Just stay calm, put the phone down if she gets stroppy and talk to your Mum and repetitive as it is KEEP RECEIPTS

I am not going to name call and it will serve you no purpose to do so either. Your road is already difficult, don't make it harder than it need be. If sister gets nasty just tell her I have receipts for everything I have purchased you can see them when you visit....... and keep repeating it don't get into an argument and if she really gets unpleasant just say slowly calmly and softly ..I will not allow you to be rude to me I am putting the phone down - AND PUT THE PHONE DOWN

There is nothing more irritating to someone who is bouncing up and down in anger than for you to remain totally unruffled - even if you are in Mad Max mode inside!
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Your sister will allow Mom to purchase groceries only once a month? That is abuse. She will not be getting adequate nutrition. Your sister is clearly out of line and is a total bitch. Since justifiable homicide is illegal, you need a lawyer to stop your sister from elder abuse as well as abuse of her fiduciary duty.
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I am so sorry to hear this. Your sister sounds much like my brother. You need so much help I don't know where to start. First, Namenda might help with the memory loss -- it works on some patients and a neurologist or geriatric psychiatrist can give it to her. Caregiving requires a lot of patience. It is NOT ODD AT ALL that if something upsets her, she fixates on it and it is very hard to change the subject. I have that problem all the time with my mother so I have to be careful how much I tell her about my own problems so as not to upset her. You have 2 choices. You can either have her declared incapacitated or you can tell her how bad your sister is and convince her to change the legal documents so you get power of attorney, health care surrogate powers, and inherit everything. That is the best option if she is well enough to change her legal documents. It might be a good idea to check the statutes where your mother is living (Texas?) and if you do not know how to do this, ask an attorney how to deal with your sister. She is breaking the law, and is in clear violation of her fiduciary duties. She also used "undue influence" to set up the legal documents the way she wanted them to be and left you out of the picture. You should probably avoid direct conflict with your sister and let an attorney handle her. If she becomes agitated and bothers you, then you would have to file a restraining order. Good luck. Let me know if I can be of any more help. Some people on this site think I'm a troll but I really do care about your situation. I empathize with you so much because I went through the same thing in my own family....but I have a brother instead of a sister. I stopped doing estate planning and probate litigation because of all the ugliness and fighting with the families. I could not handle the people in pain. I switched to personal injury/disability law so I could help people who are sick and not have to listen to families that hate each other.
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As far as I know Mom has not been declared incompetent. My sis had her for 6 months while the trust was set up. She made it so it can't be revoked, I can't remember what its called. I now understand why she kept her for 6 months and set it all up. The attorney is in PA where she lives, I'm in Dallas. She has been diagnosed with Dementia/Alzheimer's by the doctor and some how my sister had her drivers license taken away even though she did not drive, it hurt mom so bad. She took her to some rude doctor, I met him once and lost it he was so mean to my mother. My sister even said I would not go to him but to bad I'm not starting over she is fighting me. of course you don't want to be told something is wrong with you,

I brought her to Dallas because I refused to believe this was happening, I took her to a neurologist and he did the same testing but she did not get upset with me, just ask me to explain and I did calmly and she was a little upset but we never spoke about it again. On the other had my sister tries to pound into her head that she has Alzheimer's and that's that.

I have tried different vitamins, natural remedy's with hopes to help a little and my sister laughs at me and tells me how stupid I am. I never give mom anything without talking to her doctor and approving it, (Natural things) then I will take it myself for a few weeks before giving it to her.

I have had her for 3 years and she has not changed. She understands everything, laughs, talks to be honest you would never know unless you were around her 24/7. the only issue is she had no short term memory, like I can give her dinner and she can't tell me what she ate 10 minutes later. BUT we have all noticed if its something funny or upsetting she grabs on and will NOT forget. Very odd.

I ask the doc. if she could just stay this way and he said yes, this all happened out of depression of loosing my father, grandma, and grandpa in a 3 year period, not that it runs in the family she just gave up. Since she has been with us she is busy, feels wanted and laughs and talks all the time. So I guess to answer your question, Yes unless it was what did you have for dinner or something like that she can answer any question and understand anything anyone ask her. There is a family trust and a will. It was all 50-50 between me and my sister but they had no idea she would turn out like this.
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You are being used. I understand because I went through a very similar situation with my brother. I did everything for my mother. It sounds like your sister is clearly breaching her fiduciary duty. Has your mother been officially declared incapacitated? If she has not, you could convince her to create a new DPOA and a new Will leaving your sister out so the witch gets no inheritance. If your mother has been declared incapacitated by a doctor and cannot understand if a lawyer explains something to her, that is a problem. However, my mother has dementia and if I explain things slowly and clearly she understands. The best solution is to make your mother understand what your sister is doing to her. You can't spend someone else's money before they die. I have DPOA and HCS powers for my mother. If she wants to spend $75 every month to color her hair because that makes her happy, I would be breaching my fiduciary duty (not to mention my moral duty) if I told her she can't go to Hair Color Experts. It is her money. She worked from 15-75 for it. It does not become mine until she is gone. Your sister does not understand this concept because she is a very bad person. Go to the lawyer who wrote the original estate planning documents, explain the situation, and get the documents changed. If all else fails, just create a new DPOA, ask your mother to sign it, and take it to the bank along with 2 neighbors to have a Notary execute it. Good luck. Do not let your sister hurt you because she is a bully.
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I second the advice of the others; you will need to stand up to your sister, but I would also have a legal option ready to use if necessary. Document everything you've written about here, and link it to responsibilities of your sister under the POA.

E.g., she complains and/or refuses to reimburse you for groceries more often, and/or for necessary clothing. Check the POA to see what it says about the necessity of providing for your mother's general welfare, which obviously includes food and clothing.

Duties are typically couched in broad terms, sometimes with examples. Find appropriate clauses and list all her breaches.

These could be considered breach of a fiduciary duty.

If your mother understands the situation and can execute a new POA, do so, but make it a durable one. Then either have the attorney who wrote the existing one (or you can ) notify your sister her rights, duties and obligations have been terminated. Send the notice by certified mail, return receipt requested. She may not sign the receipt, but you've documented with the cert. mail slip from the post office that you've attempted to make proper notification of revocation of her rights.

If your mother doesn't understand sufficiently to legally revoke the existing POA, ask your attorney about action for breach of fiduciary duty.

You've mentioned the farm. How is it titled? In your mother's name solely?

I assume there is no trust, but that there is a will?
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Aveeno - this situation is absolutely, definitely not your fault. It's your sister's fault for not holding up her end of the bargain to take your mother in the summers. I just reread your post and see that your mother has Alzheimer's. Sorry for missing that important point.
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Aveeno, i don't think you're thick, at all! Most of us never contemplate that family might behave this way.

Is mom paying tha caregiver out of her funds?
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Please don't take anything I have said wrong, I know I have gone about this totally wrong just trusting my family, I'm kind of thick when it comes to thinking anyone could do stuff like this more or less my own family. I do want everyone to know that I love my mother dearly and will take care of her until its not possible (Medically)
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She is so out of had at this point, I would never even say anything but It's just got so bad. I now realize there is no reason for her to have an POA but she set that up and now I understand why. This is all my fault for allowing this to happen but who would think your own family would act this way. She even got pissed because I bought mom a sweater on line and quizzed me on the shipping charge?? I buy clothes all the time and freaked out thinking the must have billed me a ton of money to ship it but when I ask how much it was under 2.00. I tried to pull a bluff just to get her to take her for a month, I told her I was sick which is TRUE and I would not take much more, told her I was considering putting mom in a home unless she would agree to help me out. I would never do that but what I was told was go ahead, I don't care and I'm not helping. She knows I love the family farm and that was the first thing she threw into my face you will loose the farm!!! After this week I can truly say I know she does not care about anyone but herself and I know she is just waiting for my mom to die so she can collect the money, I'm devastated that family or anyone could think this way. My friends help with mom because they love her so much. I do have a caregiver in the day so I can work so would the caregiver contract work for me? Should I also have the caregiver on a contract? Thank you for the help I'm so confused BUT I have finally woke up and refuse to be bullied and treated this way any longer.
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....a real piece of work... indeed! A nice way of saying what we are all thinking about her!
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