I am the one being cared for, not the caregiver...

Regarding some males who don't like to do work that was stereotypical "women's work".... makes you wonder how "bachelors haven't become extinct".

Buzzybee.
I can feel the pain that his comments add to your arthritis etc. and why you wrote for 'help' or a good giggle of what is possible!!!
I have no idea of your arthritis status but think it would be easier to try and reduce that than improve your other half.
[coming from a perspective of a father that was a demanding overbearing, will do it all cos no one else does it better, and bullied my mother. AND my now very EX who couldnt even make me a coffee when I had debilitating migraines that lasted 2 hrs]
Are you overweight, do you exercise and push those rusty joints to walk a little further as medical evidence shows that most types of arthritis do better . I am just a little younger than you, and lucky I only have 10acres worth of animals to care for or they care for me. I do have health issues that fluctuate
Can you get out of the house and go either swimming in a tepid pool, join a community group, where you can get away from each other for a few hours a week. Do not join him up, let him do his own thing. You may have another 20 yrs of each other before your memory really lets you down [ or this case up] and you wont remember what he said to you just 5mins ago... Id hate to be thinking of the jail house rock situation you may be sitting under.... going on for that long.
I know the NHS etc is starting to go the way our health system did back in the 90s and its really interesting on how they went from doing everything for the community, to then subsidising voluntary groups, to now expecting friends and family to be getting 'patients' the care. I live out in the country, so well aware of the reduction in care going on, and had been a nurse for a good 30yrs. so seen both sides of whats available, and how hard it is to live with chronic disablements!!!!! good luck

Dear upset, know your not alone. Many of us have been in your shoes. Being with your spouse for many years can take its toll on you, and when your not healthy or can’t do certain things any longer anger sets in. I know I’ve been married for 40 years. Men are a funny animal, they can handle stress they way women do. And when it comes to our health they simply dont know what to do. Women are the backbone of every relationship! We are. Maybe hiring out some help for the heavy stuff would do you both some good. It sound like your on a tight budget, but there are certain free services for seniors. Try looking them up, or asking around. Try joining a senior center and ask around, plus you might make new friends and that alone can take the stress off both of you. I’ve been where your at. I’m in 40 years to my hubby. I’ve been though 4 surgery’s and not one bit of help. Not even taking me to surgery or picking me up. And PT I had to drive myself. You see I married an alcoholic. So I became pretty self reliant. And keep working, cooking, cleaning, cutting the grass, doing the bills, you know I did everything! But what I proved to myself was I’m ok I can do it. I knew one day his day would come and he’d need me over a beer. He ended up having 2 total hip replacements. Guess what, he no longer drinks, and I was the bigger person and still did everything for him. I cooked, cleaned, took him to doctors, and still worked 10hours a day. I did everything, he now only realize’s how badly he treated me. And this was the time we had many fights, but I held my ground I didn’t let him treat me like a doormat! I reminded him of how badly he treated me. I with no help and bills to pay I had to do it. Your marriage is for better or worse, I signed a contract I kept my end of the deal. Remind him of it! I did and I feel so much freedom. If you don’t talk about it. It’s going to boil up and blow up. Sit him down and talk. I did and believe me, he knows I’ll walk out that door and not look back! Demand better treatment! Yuki

BuzzyBee et al
Can't believe how much the same all our stories! Think men do not expect to be caregivers (Women's work) My spouse expects to be profusely thanked for every little task he might do. What I do is expected. Also attitude that he earned all the money, although I was employed full time! Could go on and on. Fortunately, I am in good health. While spouse has some memory issues, not bad yet. (I am a Certified Dementia Practitioner) Have worked with memory impaired people all my working life. Really not looking forward to having my own personal dementia patient!!

hang in there it will work out sooner or later.

I remember when my dad retired, he'd frequently give my mom a rundown of the things he'd accomplished. (Well, I emptied the dishwasher, took the trash out, wiped down the counter, etc.) My normally lovely and sophisticated mom got so tired of hearing about things that she'd done for 50 years without ever mentioning them or getting much (if any) recognition, that one day she turned around and said 'Whaddya want, a medal?' I think that pretty much put an end to it. Although, if she were here, she'd probably disagree!

freqflyer: That's funny.

FF how many batchelors do you know? I don't think I know any. Unmarried men I know are either widowed or gay

Hey guys hear a word of advice, take from someone who married an alcoholic, I put 40 yrs into my man, I’ve worked and took care of our house, and raised our son, I never depended on my man, and never quit my job. Like I’ve said I’ve had four surgeries and a baby, I never received help. The day I came home with our son I cooked dinner. Right then I knew I was screwed, and on my own. And it took 40yrs but I’m not his door mat!!! And I voice my opinion a lot. Hey if you let them treat you bad they will. I just never depend on him!!!! Keep that in mind, if you need surgery, line up help, because they won’t help. Don’t be disappointed, be prepared. Yuki

Just a little update.

We are lucky enough to have quite a few good friends/visitors. Mostly his friends. So all is good there. He can repeat everything for them and then he feels good again (for a short while at least) I do joke with him occasionally (when he is getting close to exploding) I can divert, cajole etc. BUT I mentioned getting someone in to do a little hoovering, just an hour a week and guess what. OUTRIGHT NO!! We have a younger friend that will pop round to do heavy stuff if I ask (he wont ask - he expects everyone to offer) He forgets they have lives of their own.

Some good stuff here. I really do appreciate all your feedback/s
Thank you

My husband is also one of those that will redo things that have already been done. When we were 1st married, almost 40 years ago, he worked on the family dairy farm. Come Saturday morning when he got up for chores I started cleaning our one bedroom apartment. By the time he got home I was working on my laundry from working in a bank. I had already dusted vacuumed and washed floors. He would come in the door change out of barn clothes and redo the vacuuming and floors. After several weeks of feeling like I wasn’t doing it right I gave up and to this day I no longer vacuum or wash floors. He complains that no one else does it but I’m not about to go down that road again.
I do the cooking and most of the shopping. Barely a thank you or acknowledgement that it was done. On the rare occasion that he cooks you’d think he’d performed a miracle! Constant questions about how it tastes, details about how he did it, more questions about how he did and patting himself on the back for what he did. Mind you he’s not much of a cook and it’s fairly limited to Taco meat and Mac & Cheese. His one attempt at meatloaf was served extremely undercooked and over salted.
He will not ask for help with outside chores and then complain to me that our son never helps him. When I do push him to ask it’s always at the last minute when other plans have already been made. I doubt he will ever change, not much hope after all this time, and will probably only get worse as time goes on. Lately noticing signs that we may be going down the road of memory issues.
I guess my only advice would be to work on not letting the grumbling get to you. When mine starts I ask him what his plan is to change things so he’s not as burdened. Do we need to think about other living arrangements so there is not so much to take care of. That usually stops him for a while.

BuzzyBee, love that name, I can just see you buzzing around from one task to another🐝.
If dear hubby doesn't like to ask, perhaps you can set it up that so and so has asked if she/he can come in weekly, monthly, whatever the need and do (fill in the blank) for us, can we allow her/him to help us in that way, giving to others kind of thing. Just a thought, sometimes we have to be creative in how we deal with difficult situations. I have to say that I think both you and your husband are very Blessed to have each other. Of course he is going to grump and grouch occasionally, we all do. Some of us just do it without an audience, so no one sees it. The Bible says "a soft answer turns away wrath". This is how I deal with my grumpy old man. I look at what he does for me as the male way of expressing love, that is how they do it, not sweet words or emotions, action is a man's voice of love. Sister, this man loves you, by all he does everyday he is telling you that. Maybe his grouch and grumble are his expression of fear, maybe he fears losing you, maybe he fears something will happen to him and then who will care for you. My man doesn't talk of these things but, after living with someone for 25 years and loving them, you learn to see the unspoken. Love him and thank him and praise what he does for you and let him know how lost you'd be without his love and care. You will figure it out and find the proper balance. Maybe ask a friend to help you surprise him with his favorite meal as a thank you for all you do everyday to keep us and our life together. He deserves it. You deserve it as well. God Bless You and your husband on this journey.

Golden23.......I was going to say the same thing about hubby not feeling well. When you have just the start of COPD you aren't getting enough oxygen. put doing a lot of work on top of that and you start to get a little cranky.....ok, a lot of cranky. I am a caregiver to 95 yr old father but have taken care of both in laws until their passing, took care of my mom with dem/alz. until her passing last year, my sister for a while until her passing and also have a grown son living with us and young grandsons that are with us 3 1/2 days a week or if they are sick take care of them. I can't remember who posted about retirement looking different but boy is that the truth. I used to dream of the day we could get in the car and just go. Hmm, yeah....that hasn't happened yet in 8 years. And i have to say I'm pretty bitter a lot of the time. I'm usually pretty easy going and used to love going out to movies or eat but anymore I pretty much want to sit in my chair and pray the phone doesn't ring or anyone bothers me. I'm sure my husband who retired 2 years ago and is having a great retirement playing golf 3 days a week is getting tired of asking if i would like to do whatever and my answer is no. He helps out where he can and is NOT a complainer (I make up for it:)) Not sure where I am going with this but if your husband is not feeling well even though his COPD is not that bad yet it really can effect your life (my mother in law had it terribly for 20 years) not to mention his diabetes. I say bring in help. Sounds like you both are needing a break from your lives a bit. Maybe think about moving somewhere you would have more help......retirement community, assisted living (no yard work, cleaning, 3 meals a day cooked for you). Just a thought. No, 73 and 76 are not that old but when you are needing help, you are needing help. Wouldn't it be nice to enjoy the rest of your lives instead of being on edge all the time.......yeah......I would love that! Good luck and God Bless

BuzzyBee, your comment reminds me of an observation I had last year. The men always seem to find time to play sports. The women seem to always be cleaning up or taking care of the kids and they are exhausted. Not that men don't watch the kids, but they combine it with something else they want to do more. Their mothers set the stage by cleaning up after them and then their wives give up and eventually their daughters care for them in old age. I know this is a generality and there are outstanding exceptions.