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my church is right here in my home . i talk to the lord right here in my home .
i ve been to church many years ago and didnt care too much for preacher pointin fingers at whoever showed up , i thought we re not suppose to judge poeple ...
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awww mscrysti.. you are such a sweetie. I understand what you are saying. random people speak up, invariably asking the stupidest of questions like "how are you doing ?" * (" how do you think im doing? 'I'm worn to a frazzle and my Moms dying in excruciating pain") but I just say " oh were doing fine".
sanity is a commodity that is fleeting when you are someones 24/7/365 everything caregiver. Love, Yes. Duty Yes, easy Hell no!
you are a brave soul and your Hubby and Kids are lucky to have you. My heart goes out to you. i'm here. every day. because this is my only link to sanity amongst people who can even conceive of what we go through as caregivers. Keep Going strong. Vent here all you want and we will listen. I will listen. ~ nutz
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People mean well, but I am sure we caregivers all wonder to ourselves just how many times we will be able to force speak a creative response to "how is your spouse doing?" as to avoid the ackwardness at work of coming right out and saying he or she is never going to be the same again, will never be able to work again, and is not the same person I married thus I am trudging on out of duty, love and irreparable loss to just keep a grip on my own sanity and in hopes of keeping our marital home until our child(ren) are out of the house as to resemble some level of normalcy for their sakes.
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gigglebox,

I've spent 20 years in the trenches. I know how hard and abusive it is. My life has been threatened twice. My wife has suffered much verbal abuse some of which was exactly like her family of origin. Our two boys have been made to feel like orphans. We've hardly been to church on a regular basis for the last 7 years, carry a lot post traumatic church experience pain which means that when our buttons get pushed we just stay away from church. We are still Christians, but not so religious and we enjoy the freedom to live as normal people. Eastern TN, Eastern KY, all of WV, Western NC, remote rural areas of NC, anything almost east of I-95 NC, etc. but even in the urban areas too. Not everything that glitters about a church means it's warm and loving on the inside.
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Glad to help, Anne... it is hard out there... Crowe... I have run across the "cold love" scripture recently and it is so true! Tenn, that's why I changed churches... but not religion... cold love...!?
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Thanks , Gigglebox, for the "pick me up". We are doing the best we can, as you say. And who knows? Maybe it's the caregivers who are offering "smiles" the most out there in daily society, at the check-out line, etc...... Because we know how important it is to lift one another up.
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true, if the people are sick, you're most likely going to have a sick church, sick schools, and a sick community. Every institution is dependent on the health of each person and how whole the family they came from is.
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I have come to believe its not the brand of religion you are involved with,its the type of people who make up the church that make a difference.
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"love has grown cold in churches" Church Health research has sadly found. This is the greatest scandal of the American Church. It's like "The Family Secret" which no one wants to talk about. Rather, people want to view the greatest scandal as being the Televangelists of the 1970's or the Roman Catholic Church Pediofile Cover up. As one Lutheran study aptly put it. There are problem people in various churches who have a E.G.O. problem for they want to Edge God Out. People are verbally, emotionally, and spiritually beating up on each other, on pastors for we have totally lost respect for God, each other and ourselves because we seem to crave and be content with dime store theology, and a fantasy land view of Christian living.
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Anne, we all wear many hats and carry many burdens... we need one another.. this is a wonderful website that helps but we need more than just the technological friends... we need real face-to-face friends who care. It's hard making those connections... love has grown cold in churches and in this world we live in. It is a hard burden to bear... but we are all doing the very best that we can... I am grateful for all of you - for sharing your stories and venting your anger... we all are dealing with the same thing... we CARE!! We aren't just giving care to our loved ones b/c we have to but we truly love - we get hurt feelings sometimes... and we feel all alone.. but we need to CONNECT.. that's what life is all about.. sharing our burdens and throwing off our hats every once in a while! Toss those babies aside and have some fun when you can!
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Yvonne, I can relate to your original post here. I have found, particularly when trying to talk to extended family members about my caregiving challenges, that I am not finding sympathy from them or patience to listen. In one case, the relative I went to for support ( an elderly person herself) lashed out at me in anger. I couldn't believe it. Here I was, desperately needing help and this was what I was getting. It didn't help, it hurt instead. So I have learned my lesson now; I no longer share with anyone except my immediate family and very close trusted friends. To tell you the truth, I think people out there are so stressed themselves and are dealing with challenges of their own, that they can't "handle" listening to somebody else's problems. That is why this website is a fantastic resource.
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yvonne,

The theme of your thread goes right along with a part of my poem on Path Through Tragic Pain.

"Words . . . . are meant as a tool, but wrongly used are just plain cruel."

While there very well may be insights gain along the path, to tell someone in pain that is why they are there only adds to the pain. I don't like pat answer Christian statements either nor does the author of Walking Towards Hope -Experiencing God in a Time of Brokenness. While it is not about caring for an aging parent, it is one of the most honest and transparent books dealing with suffering that I've ever read. I just wished that his wife could have had more to say in the book. This is most definitely not one of those 'before I gave all this mess over to God, life was hell, but since giving it all to Jesus, it's just been heaven every day" While their faith is helping them, it is not keeping away the pain and that's real.
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We go to a small community church, and always have prayer requests at some point before the pastor preaches. But I can understand why a great big church can't do that. It would take a LONG time. But there are huge churches around here that get together once a week, just for those people that WANT to pray for one another in smaller groups. I'm always preaching that churches should be getting more involved in the neighborhoods that surround them. It used to be before the government stepped in with welfare, that the church was the first responder to any problem. Recently my church put out a mass email to all of us, asking for volunteers to help out one of our members. There is a man in our church that is a wonderful man. He and his wife have been coming before we ever started. Well I noticed a few years ago that he seems to be slipping a cog or two. It's either early alz or dementia, don't know. His wife is the sole caretaker for him, and the church wants people to step forward and sit with him so she can get out. Honestly, if it hadn't been for this website, and taking care of my mother-in-law, it would never have occurred to me that such a thing was needed. But after reading about all the stressed out caretakers on this website and dealing with craziness in a dementia person, I have since volunteered every Monday if she needs me. For someone who has never dealt with the stuff you'all are dealing with, they don't go there in their minds. Why would they? As for me, now I know and can do something about it, thanks to you all & mother-in-law loopiness hopefully I can help a friend.
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Thank GOD for angels and dogs,because people will sure let you down. It is true any kindness has come from outside of my own family.
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What heartaches we all face. I'm sure anyone of us would move mountains for our loved ones, and each other, if we could. Tenessee, what a heartbreaking story about the "church" next door to your dad's hospital. How disheartening to be brushed off by those who we call our "church family." Sounds like you chose to find a real church rather than get bitter. Bless you, I pray they give you comfort.

Lately I've been thinking about prayer. I know Jesus asked his disciples to pray with him, but they could not even stay awake, and then abandoned him. So we have one who understands how it feels to be rejected by those whom he holds most dear. Even his mother didn't recognize him... So, whether it's a few or 600, there is one who understands...and sends his HS to comfort us. Sometimes we're even entertaining angels unawares.
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The human spirit is very strong,I think your mom might have had a big mental rush from being in her element and then tired later after it was over and done with. My dad had a experience after he threw all of the lawyers out of the house my brothers brought in where he was able to do things he hasn't in a while. He felt so good being in control again,then the next day,back to normal.Sure was nice seeing him feel so good about himself again even though it didn't last.
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Yvonne: I can empathize with what you are going trough. When I first started caring for Mom, I felt alone - like I was living in this giant bubble looking out at everyone who had "normal" lives. That is exactly when I found this site. We can vent, laugh (at things no one else would laugh at) and find some compassion and comraderie.
I think that I took offense at people who I called "chirpy" because I thought they were just trying to brush me off when I shared my frustrations with them. The truth is: what can you say to someone who is in the middle of chaos? - everything sounds like platitudes and "chirpiness" Some of my longtime friends disappeared, but I made new ones who don't mind that I have this responsibility in my life now. Most relatives scattered, but a few call my Mom everyday. Those are my gems and I am thankful for them. Everyone says that you are not given more than you can handle (although, somedays it doesn't feel that way) but I can honestly say that I would not exchange this experience. It is the right thing to do in every way.
Good luck...and wishing you lighter days.
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One of the saddest religious experences I had was when my dad was in the ICU and the church me and my daughter attended was next door. We left the ICU to attend services and I BELEIVE VERY STRONGLY IN PRAYER. I thought if one prayer helped a room full of 600 people would kick butt.I wrote a note to the preacher asking him to mention my dad and family in the closing prayer. They didn't pray. After church I WENT UP TO ASK WHY HE DIDN'T MENTION MY DAD. The preachers responce to that was,"We don't do that anymore,we have to many members. "We do that on the computer now,we list names and if you would like to pray for them fine."Then I ASKED HIM TO GO TO THE ICU AND SAY APRAYER for my dad, he replyed if he had the time.Now that was not the church my dad attended when he was able.The church he attended regularly never came around either after he stopped giving them money.A preacher who does not have time to pray for a86 year old WW2 vet is differently in the wrong profession. I have not been back to that church and never will. We go to a church who will pray for my dog if I want them too now.
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Did you say your mom was worse after going to the service? It makes me wonder whether God was in it at all. Sometimes the devil tries to mimic God's power, and fool us into believing it is God, when he (the father of lies) is the one persuading us to do certain things. I've heard he can even plant an idea or thoughts in our mind, though he can't read it. Satan is definitely a deceiver. God's healing touch, no one can deny, and he wants the glory, not some faith healer. ~Just my two cents. You can refund it if you don't agree, because I'm not an expert. God is though! We'll continue to pray for you and your mom. Love you, nutz!
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dwestlake;
Thank you for your response. I dont remember any passing around of a plate. there was a donation plate that sat up by the pulpit, but it wasn't passed around. this church was a small one, small congregation, etc. and as I stated before, this was my fault because I am the one who took her all the way to texas to attend. it was not a large televised thing at all, I believe that the people there truly believed she was healed, as did I. Through no fault of theirs, it didn't happen. They were very nice people who had absolutely nothing to gain, besides maybe being witness to a healing event.
Thank you once again for taking the time for your input. I read each and every post that pops up in my email.
Have a Nice Day ! ~ Nutz
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goinnutz,

I believe in God, however I am a skeptic when it comes to organized religion. The theatrics of "faith healers" get adrenaline flowing to mask the pain and can make people feel better in the way an athlete or a soldier can still perform even though they are badly injured. You mention your mother making regular donations and I imagine this faith healer requested that everyone be generous when the plate was passed around. God doesn't care how much you donate and since he is using the mask of religion he cannot be held liable for the damage, both physical and psychological, that he does. I do believe he will answer to a higher power eventually.
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Good Health for all.

lovbob
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Sometimes nutZ is the only way to go. :-)
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Love you, nutzy!
You know what my hubby's mom said about crazy? It's not a drive (driving me crazy) but a short walk!

I love all you other ladies, too! Maybe even the guy. LOL Hope you're all doing OK! Now what shall we all pray for?
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crying jag days, even...sorry typo
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LOL!!! you guys are sic'n those angels on us here..
kinda scared me.. it was really wierd.. I could hear this lofty, beautiful voice coming from Moms room, it was faint, but really high pitched, perfect tone and singing that Beautiful Song.
I had been having one of those cying jag days.. you guys know the sort, and was really really sad today,, Until I heard that angelic voice... I know I KNOW... Im Nutz~ so what.. .:)
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Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
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YEAH!! I prayed for an angel your way... and I think that everyone else did as well!!
Hugs to you and Mom, too!
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Hugs to you and your Mom, goinnutz. Thank you for sharing your touching story!
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whoa , sounds like the lord is wanting u to know that everything will be ok . no more worries my dear ..
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