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Next year I want to read that all caregivers who have crazy families do the same!


Who is ready to make the pledge not to put yourself through the agony of repeating the insanity of hosting a miserable holiday meal?


I want to see LOTS of responses!


HUGS to everyone who is boxed in this year. Make a change for next year and the next and the next and all the years that follow. It is so liberating!

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I am still getting used to the idea of not having family over for the holidays, or even decorating. Many factors in our lives added up to this conclusion. Probably the number one reason is that I’m just tired. Too tired to clean. Too tired to decorate. Not much extra money to feed six or seven extra people. A large dog who is not aggressive but is anti-social and would need to be kenneled. Hubby becomes extra needy when I am preparing for a family get together and that’s frustrating and stressful. I work and am sore and tired each day when I get home. The last thing I want to do is clean. I am extraordinarily lucky that my son realizes this and has invited me to some of his celebrations.

I don’t like this. It’s one more thing I have to accept about getting older. I want my small family around me.
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If you are home alone with aged one, I recommend Boston Market.  They do not deliver on Thanksgiving, but if you can run out, it worked for me
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We were always the family members invited to holiday dinners. We don't care to have big dinners at our house. It's small and with our pets and guests it gets much smaller.
But last year after my father moved in with us there were no invitations. Even though he was still mobile with a walker then. So it was just me, my husband and father sharing an nice meal.
This year he is in the NH so we will spend time with him then go home and have our small scale holiday meal again. Which is just fine with us. No long commute, no awkward conversation with people we don't really connect with and we get to fix our favorite dishes.
So I say enjoy the day off (if you have it), relax if you can and don't feel any pressure or guilt about not wanting to host or attend a holiday dinner.
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Yes, we use to go to my Aunt and Uncles house every Thanksgiving. It was always a beautiful dinner but there got to be more and more people. There family alone is 6 kids plus spouses plus their kids so you are talking 20 people. We stopped going a few years back. Now it’s just me, my husband and my two sons. I cook for us. But this year my oldest said to order food from a restaurant. A lot of places have a thanksgiving package that they cook the food and you just bring it home to eat. We are trying that for the first time so I won’t have to cook. My mother will come over also. But she cancels a lot too. If she decides to cancel I will bring a plate over to her. I won’t let her ruin my Thanksgiving.
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We looked at the stress we were under one year and decided to make some changes - NOT POPULAR. We still get criticized each holiday.

1) We stopped going out of town for Christmas. My parents are a six hour round trip away - tiny town. Really can't stay over - lack of space and lack of hotel options. So we would drive up 3 hours - see dad and stepmom & then mom  - both sets upset we didn't stay longer, would argue that we didn't need to see the other parent, etc - big tug of war. Then three hour drive home. Often in snow. Our little son not enjoying Christmas. No feeling of joy.

So - we visit before or after Christmas - not on the day. We spend Christmas at home - we attend Mass, enjoy a great dinner - spend our time on it, play board games, read, watch movies, go for walks. Enjoy each other. Our son is now 11 and he loves Christmas this way - so much less stressful.

2) we stopped hosting Thanksgiving - too many unhappy guests - gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, organic only, etc - guest who are upset that the meal is not catered to their food-fad du jour. Then BIL upset - who doesn't cook or bring anything - but expects us to box up the REST of the left overs for him. no... we bought everything..... then my sister is upset because we upset him. Parents upset because we choose our own recipes and do not make the family recipe from ages past.  Not to mention the passive -aggressive comments from family members over areas we had to set boundaries years ago.

Now - we rent a cabin at Lake Superior, we all make a great Thanksgiving dinner together, and then spend time hiking, board games, and enjoying the day together.

My husband and I were in counseling  years ago each to deal with manipulative overbearing parents in order to learn to set boundaries. Our tolerance for putting up with bull-chit is very low and we have no qualms about seeing family but NOT at the holidays.

No. We are not popular. But we are happier.
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These are all wonderful responses! I felt immediate relief when I stopped participating in holiday dinners, especially all the cooking and cleaning!

Even if there is a touch of guilt involved (and we shouldn’t even have guilt) it will subside, then go away. It’s a matter of reconditioning our mind. I think my husband has said it all so well, “We have done more than our share.”
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OMG kimber166, I love your response. I love, love, LOVE it!!!!! Renting a cabin, I love that idea. I have a friend who has 2 dogs and him and his dogs and his girlfriend go camping all year round. He has a pop up tent in the summer and he just rented a cabin in the winter. He has a Christmas tree all decorated in there and everything!! We say how do you do it Dave? How do you stay in a cabin all winter long in these long NY winters???? He said it’s 75 degrees inside the cabin and this is the best antidepressant in the world!!! Oh yeah, he works too so he has to drive home early every morning to take a shower!!!
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We’re hosting this year and at first I was happy about it, after last year I just wanted to stay home and cook a big meal. We should be having 7 guests-my BIL, nephew. SIL & her husband, niece and nephew and my husband’s best friend. Had some develops regarding BIL and his ex wife that left me anxious but all was good until this morning........

2 days before Thanksgiving and I’m getting sick! I’ve got a lower back ache, feel cruddy and have a tickle in my throat & a mild cough. So I knew a cold is coming on :(
i need to get dressed and go grocery shopping-trying to avoid the crowds AND the empty shelves! But i’m Aches and feel like crap. This is just great! I popped some vitamin C and will get some elderberry syrup at the store.....

and I am already thinking about next year and whether or not I want to go through the trouble of hosting! I was so happy to stay home & cook this year that I didn’t think it through. Being on my feet in the kitchen all day after cleaning for 2 days is exhausting and now I’m going to be sick too? I kind of wish crazy relatives and in-law drama was all I had to deal with LOL! I just cannot believe I’m getting sick 2 days before thanksgiving! If I can’t ward it off until Friday I am seriously considering cancelling on everyone. And my gut is telling me this is the last year we host....
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Our daughter is hosting Thanksgiving this year, and we're all bringing a dish or two. It's a small group (7) so everyone will be making an effort to scale back the quantities...we're used to 12 or 14 people. It's the first Thanksgiving I haven't hosted in decades. At first, it felt odd to not be pulling out the lists and putting together a centerpiece. But I'm glad to not be having to do the cleaning, prepping, shopping, etc. I'm actually looking forward to bringing my covered dish and knitting and getting to be a guest.
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Love liberation! I’m half way there. This year, my husband shopped, daughter (ex-chef) will prepare and cook our meal! Very Blessed.
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I always enjoyed making holiday meals, but was stressed on the timing. This year their will only be 5 of us, and we are still planning most of the dishes, but in smaller amounts. An DD is bringing a cheesecake from Costco and I bought a sweet potatoe pie. Things are getting hard here with mom, and I am very tired. So imagine my surprise when I got home tonight and hubs had already made the stuffing, cut up all the vegs.. He told me he will do all the cooking, and I can relax!! So I will assemble some sides tomorrow,, that part is easy.. and he will cook everything on Thursday! God bless him! But we did think about getting a carry out package from Bob evans.. maybe next year.
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SIL is doing it all this year. I will probably be recruited by my mother to help her clean up. Last year, mom did it for Dad and I and did the cleaning up afterwards. I tried to help her and she refused.
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I make the pledge right now!!!
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Yay, Beatty!!!
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Pam,

What a sweet hubby!
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Kat,

You’ve got a sweet deal! Wow, a daughter who is a chef is very nice to have in the family.
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Feel better, Cali. Hugs! Seems like a lot of people get sick around the holidays.
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mr . " kind of a big deal around here "
-- out at the forestry -- today told me " they " were kind of offended that i didnt eat lunch with everyone today .

wtf ?
i sat and socialized with everyone and had coffee instead .
i dont eat breakfast or lunch and the occasion doesnt change a thing .

what i find comical is i think hes the weirdest fellow ive ever met yet hes accusing ME of being weird .

you just cant make this sht up . tomorrow is thanksgiving and my birthday both . to celebrate im going to the forestry to get a load or two of firewood from a great looking hickory tree that blew across the road today . YAY for me . :)>
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An early happy birthday to you, Cap! And Happy Thanksgiving!
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Well, this year I have to work the 2-8 pm shift on Turkey day, yay! So I made brunch reservations at The Chart House in the mountains, but not WAY UP in the mountains, pretty close in, actually. Normally Thanksgiving is held at my house & turns into an aggravation for who's not eating what due to which diet he's on or whatever, etc. So this year I'm saving myself the headaches, pretty much. The kicker is, my mother started in on Monday coming up with her Escape Route so she doesn't have to attend the brunch. Her legs are killing her, she isn't sleeping, she almost fell in the shower, she has the worst bathroom in the entire building b/c the toilet is half a mile away, her pesty neighbor is bothering her...............and on and ON. She thinks I'm stupid and don't see what she's doing. She's deathly afraid of The Mountains, as if it were a roller coaster ride instead of a normal car ride. Plus it snowed a lot yesterday. There's two good reasons right there to bow out, which is fine, but she needs An Excuse. I've told her 12x already that it's fine if she's not feeling well enough to attend, but she feels the need to Make Up A Story, so go for it.

I'm glad to be working, frankly, so the festivities will be short and sweet. Or hopefully sweet. SO much importance and emphasis is put on ONE HOLIDAY day that it's ridiculous after a while.
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thank you barb ,
aint nothing happy till my sons killers go to prison but the anticipation is keeping me somewhat sane .
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Happy Birthday to you.
Happy Birthday to you.
Happy Birthday, dear Captain.
Happy Birthday to you! 🍺 🎉🎁🎈🎂🍦

You’re going to get your birthday wishes one day. Waiting is hard.
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Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!
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NHWM, Happy late Birthday 🎂🎊🎉
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone:)
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