Over the last 5 years the amount of time needed to care for my mom has increased. I had to stop working because while I worked at night after she was asleep, she started to get nervous in anticipation of my leaving and would cry and tell me not to leave. I have no life outside this house except to go grocery shopping. I have had a total of 2 full days away in 5 years, while my brother goes off living his life without a care in the world. This is totally fine by me as long as he then stays out of our business. A series of events have recently occurred that come down to an overestimating of what my mom was still capable of doing. However, I have been accused now by my brother of being of no value except to care for our moms daily needs and an embarrassment that I live here 'rent free'. It is not as simple as that. It is emotionally taxing all the ups and downs of her dementia. I take care of the house, repairs, cook, etc These things I don't mind. I'm learning to grow thicker skin so when she becomes so terribly insulting or slaps me across the face I can walk away without crying. I do my best to not engage in a battle with her. I am essentially working for free ( since I had to give up my job to be here) doing the job of at best 4 people. My brother has stepped on my toes anytime I've tried to get assistance with utility or property tax payments insisting to know every step for every program wanting the contact info of who I've dealt with etc. That would be fine and all, however he doesn't put a thought into what it takes to be her caregiver. He knows nothing about what I've sacrificed personally to be here. She doesn't like "strangers" in her home so visits from friends are a non issue. I am 55 years old and have raised 2 children on my own and am capable of signing my mom up for assistance programs. I am the one here day in day out 24/7- but if things don't happen in the timeline he believes it should he becomes frustrated with me and insults me and undoes any progress I made as well as telling people to deal directly with him and not me from that point on. His involvement is made out to look like he has to come to the rescue because I'm useless. Oh, but I'm good enough to take care of my moms daily, hourly needs. Free labor. He somehow has been claiming her as a dependent on his taxes when the requisites are not present. This undermines her being qualified for aid.He does not provide for her living expences.Until this past January I was personally paying for all my moms medications and co pays at Dr visits, which i alone have taken her to.NOT my brother. 2 weeks ago he got all shady and wanted to see my mom alone and it seems he got her to agree to some sort of power of attorney. He says he'll be here tomorrow with a notary. It's unethical since she doesn't even remember what she said 5 minutes ago. Yet when he calls (she always has him on speaker phone)and he says tomorrow you'll sign the POA she's like ... ok.. Yet she doesn't get it. When I tell her what all he's up to she doesn't believe me and wants to know why I'd accuse my brother of these things. He does not value my contribution to my moms well being. He thinks i sit around all day watching TV with her. Seriously? I have her diabetes under control which according to her Dr was unmanaged previously. I taught her how to feed herself how to use the restroom even how to walk without the walker for short distance after she came home. Me, not him. I don't need a pat on the back or even appreciation - just don't minimize me or what I do. I found a letter in the trash from social security regarding her contacting them for an advance designation for a representative payee if she cannot manage her funds. Who is named? My brother. I don't think she called.I think my brother did it.I have given my life to take care of her and have no legal favor,because he wants to control everything- as long as it doesn't interfere with his life. What now?
Scapegoats, get help, scapegoats find their happiness.
Think of selfness as a scale, scapegoats at the bottom of self-care scale, Golden children at the top, you need better self care, you need to move that scale up to the middle.
You say you can't do this anymore if your brother is involved, ya know what you don't have to. You are FREE, let mom and brother figure the rest out!
I'll tell you one thing I do now when I have to be around my brother, I am NICE , I kill him with kindness, and I know he hates it!! Maybe someday you will be able to get to this point.
Also keep in check with your anger, feel it and let it go, because long term anger will only hurt you. Also your son will most likely figure this out. I have 4 boys and only one that cares to be in the same room with my brother, the others deal with him when they have too.
I get what you're saying. I really do. I understand how people can be conditioned basically from birth to be a family scapegoat and servant that everyone can walk all over like a doormat. I get that a person can get lost in the F.O.G. trying to win the love and approval of a parent. I get all of it because this was me. People living like this also make themselves into martyrs and victims. Everyone is against them, their kids hate them, the whole world is basically out to get them. All I do is work myself to the bone for my family and they're still terrible to me. This sound awfully like Marigold.
I got over the martyr/victim mentality by going to therapy and doing the work to overcome it. Marigold in her post talks about raising her two kids on her own so I'm assuming their fatherless. This was along side her abusive mother? This is where my empathy for someone wanes. You don't put your kids anywhere near your abuser.
As for your son. He does love you. You're his mother. As for how he talks about his brother, I've had some ripe language for my siblings over the years as they've had for me.
Honestly I have realized, for what ever reason my brother wants to take people I care about away from me. He will do what ever he can to make himself look better than me and make anyone in my life like him better.
I suspect he doesn't even know the reason he does this. I think it goes back to his childhood, because I left him alone, when I moved out with an abusive father, a father that didn't dare be abusive around me.
I understand that Marigold may feel this way.
I read in your comments where you say your brother turned your son against you. That's not true. People who make statements like that tend to make me find them questionable.
Kids love their mothers even if they are bad mothers. The only way an uncle can turn a kid against his mother is if someone else, maybe the uncle or grandmother had to raise that kid.
I feel for you in your situation. I really do, but it sure seems like you're always the victim. Abusive mother, abusive sibling, your son has turned against you... Seek out a therapist. Through therapy and self-realization you may very well find that a large share of the problems and dysfunction within your family is because of you.
I have an appointment with my doctor and will discuss disability.
I need to distance myself from the situation. I take a lot of pride in the care I've given my mom. Dementia aside, her overall health is very good with her diabetes in control (A1c is @6) she doesn't need to ask twice for anything. However, it's no longer my place. It's a horrible thing to feel uncomfortable in your home.
I never thought I'd have to worry about leaving here and so planning for anything beyond this phase is a failure I have to make up for somehow.
Thank you again for all the support.
You need to see a qualified elder attorney now and explain what’s going on before you find yourself out on the street.
I was in a similar situation myself and my sibling had my mom amend her long standing POA & trust documents to benefit himself.
Be very wary of him.
Whose name is your mother's house in? Does she have a will or trust that leaves the house to anyone?
Why don't you go to your local women's shelter and ask for assistance? You don't have to move in but tell them what you've told us, that you have no income or assets and will be homeless when your mother passes away or goes to a nursing home or evicts you under the influence of your brother. The social workers can help you apply for benefits including Medicaid to get your medical treatment, and may provide some help with finding a job that's feasible with your health situation. Talk to them about where you can move to. They may actually have a solution, even if it has a waiting list.
Also, start the application process for disability, although expect that to take a long time and possibly multiple applications.
Don't wait. Get started now. It will give you a feeling of accomplishment and like your life is not so out of your control. You can do this.
I honestly do not have any fight left in me to contest the POA. My brother has poisoned my son against me and has spread false information re my moms finances to family. I have not lived here for 'free' as he believes. My income stopped at the end of October'24. Prior to that I contributed to the house consistently and my mom and I split large purchases. He went thru her bank records and is assuming that every cent that she transferred to me was me taking money away from her. This is not so. I have purchase reciepts for everything. But I am tired of trying to defend myself.
At this point I have no legal say over any of my moms needs. I am free labor. I don't want to get resentful of her and I just want to figure out how to get myself out of here when I am currently unemployable due to my pending surgical need and without having to live in my car. I'm basically feeling... done.
If you've had a lifetime of physical abuse from your mother and have not only always taken it, but remained under her thumb in her house like a child, you are the one with the problem not your brother. Judging by your responses, you have turned caregiving for your mother into martyrdom for yourself. Mommy is the reason why you are living a miserable life that includes physical and verbal abuse. She is not, you are.
I too come from an abusive home. One day when I was a teenager, my mother came after me. This was normal for her when she was angry because she always had the emotional marturity of a toddler. Only that time I fought back. She never came after me again.
For many years I did homecare work for every kind of person there is. I remember well one client I had. Her family warned me that she hits, bites, kicks, and spits. She bit me one time and I slapped her. Not in the face but on the upper arm. Not hard enough to cause an injury, but hard enough to show that I will not tolerate such behavior. She never tried to get physical with me again and I worked for her for a couple years more after that.
You do not have allow anyone hit you or abuse you in any way. It doesn't matter who they are or what conditions they have. You say that you've 'invested' yourself in the situtation with your mother. I'd say it's time to cut your losses because that investment is never going to pay off. If your health is as bad as you say, apply for disability. At least it will be something. A start at least.
As for fearing your brother serving you with eviction papers. First of all, your mother would have to have you served because you live in her home, not his. Both your brother and mother know that if they throw you out it they will have to pay for caregiving. If your brother complains and is resentful now because you're not a rent paying care-slave imagine his reaction when he gets the bill for hired homecare. I have a homecare agency. I've seen client families nearly faint when they see the cost. The price is the price though.
Your mother will not evict you. Even if the remote possibility happens and she does, you will have time to leave. You won't have to go that day.
You should get some quotes from homecare agencies and see what they charge for exactly what you do for free. Your brother will stop complaining about you living rent-free when he sees that.
Do you have enough years of employment to qualify for Social Security and Medicare, at least?
What is your brother doing with your mother's Social Security payments? Does she get any other financial payments or benefits? If so where do they go?
Did your brother bring the notary? If he hasn't yet, I suggest you record the conversation so that if your mother is not competent and doesn't understand, you have that evidence to use.
And again, make arrangements to visit one or both of your children. Tell your brother that you will be gone on this date and that he needs to be responsible 100% for your mother's care (himself, or hired). If he hasn't made a plan a week before your departure, call APS and tell them he is negligent in his duties.
But it might be time that you tell brother that you need a break.
Tell him that on May 2nd you will be leaving for a vacation.
On May 2nd when he or someone else does not show up to relieve you you can do a few things.
Call 911 and tell the dispatcher that mom is having a medical emergency and needs to go to the hospital.
When they come and transport her DO NOT FOLLOW. They can call your brother.
Or you can call APS and tell them that you were expecting someone to show up to relieve you and no one showed up and you have to leave. This will leave mom unattended. Make sure that they know that your brother was told of your plans to go on vacation.
Might be time for you to find a way to step away from this.
This sounds so bad, but I'm glad she got sick- because it changed the dynamic between us. She became more loving and was nice to me. The only time she gets hostile is when it's about my brother. Until this year there hasn't been any reason for us to have any discord, and it all revolves around my brother and what he's doing. She says I'm lying about him taking control of everything, that he would never say horrible things to me, etc. She doesn't remember the warnings and just goes along with what he tells her but later tells me that she didn't give him access, permission, or whatever else. But she never confronts him about it. She just " oh ok" everything he says.
The notary he is bringing today happens to be our cousin and they are close so I don't feel that I have room to advise her of any unethical movements here. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if he hands me eviction notice while they're at it.
I've lived here the better part of 30 years. A few years ago I was doing well and planned to move out. My mom begged me to not leave that if I do who would care for her when she was older. She promised me the house. Like a guilt weighted fool I stayed. Now fast forward here we are. I am without any funds. No job. And I'm having health issues of my own - I was supposed to have surgery 5 years ago but postponed because she was being released from the hospital. Then it just kept getting pushed and now I have S1root nerve damage and a failing spinal fusion. Doesn't make me very hireable. I have applied to countless remote jobs with no luck.
I have no place to go. I invested myself here and now it's all being taken away. I do own my car outright so there's at least that.
How do I start over at my age in my condition with no income?
Honestly though, you should just walk away but first you must find a job and go back to work. That has to be the number one priority in your life. So let your mother work herself up into hysterics and panic when you're leaving for your job. In fact, let her work herself up right into a padded room in the nuthouse. You have to look out for yourself because no one else is going to.
You are being abused at home and no one has to live with abuse. Even if you have to go to a womans' shelter temporarily that is better than living with the abuse you live with now. You can be gracious and give your brother a couple of weeks to find her a caregiver. You sound like a gracious person and will probably want to do that, and then let the two of them fend for themselves. Guaranteed your brother will have her in a "home" within a couple of weeks of you leaving then they will be the Payee on her Social Security.
Oh well, as they say. Not your problem. You must get a job and take your life back. Don't let your abusive family use up one more day of your life. Good luck.
Second, you do not have to live under these conditions - your mother has become combative and abusive - this is an unsafe living condition for you. If you choose to stay in this situation please I'm begging you to discuss with her doctor medications for agitation at bare minimum.
And finally. Hon, why are you doing this? I get wanting to help your mom, I do. But there are other ways to do so. And honestly probably better ways, safer ways.
I so hope you can find a place of your own. Mom needs to be placed if brother will not care for her.
There is a way out of this. You and no one should be another person slave.
Read up on , narssasist parents, Golden child - scapegoat, relationships.
Read up on FOG fear obligation -guilt. You are being so manipulated by your family you are in a complete brain fog.
There is light at the end of this tunnel. I promise you that!
Stick with us here to help you work through this and the emotions that go along with it. There is emotional work , for you to be done, but the other side of this it is well worth it.
Long-term caregiving changes your brain chemistry. Then your mental health is affected, then it's your physical health, your relationships.
It doesn't have to be this way. 🫂
I have to ask, why? Why are you doing this, voluntarily enslaving yourself? Your mother doesn't even appreciate it, so what is the point? Are you intending to end up homeless and in poverty with no relationship with with your children, because you let your brother and mother take advantage of you? You are a generous person but that has backfired on you. After raising two children, and then spending five years with your mother, you deserve so much better than this. Get out and start fresh and spend your time with people who respect you. Enjoy your life! You don't know how much time you have left, so don't waste it on this grim situation. Let us know what you decide and how it's going and how you're doing.
By the way, as her representative payee for her Social Security, he is legally required to spend all of her SS money on her or place it in savings for her, and to file an annual report of how ALL of it was spent. So if he has not been using it to pay for her expenses, as you say, he is violating the law and you should report him.
https://www.ssa.gov/payee/
Also you can report him to the IRS if he is fraudulently claiming her as a dependent.