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I selected "burnout" as the topic because I'm not sure what else to select... it seemed appropriate, since my fuse is at an all-time low!


My widowed father-in-law, 80 years old, above-average in health, and living independently with no diagnosed mental issues except being a tightwad, has been on a list for senior housing for over a year and just got a phone call that he can move in on December 1. Yay! Right? Not so much for us!


FIL is all excited and babbling to anyone who will listen the following:


* He's moving on December 1


* He's not telling his current landlord that he's moving until right before he moves


* He thinks the VFW will pay the lion's share of his security deposit


* His son and grandsons are going to move him


* He's going to "help out a little" with the cost of the U-Haul that WE are going to rent


Problems:


* He has a lease. Husband and I have asked him repeatedly how he is paying his December rent at the old place. FIL is not a stupid man, so I can only imagine that he's pretending he either doesn't hear, or doesn't understand the question. He ignores it consistently and says he's moving out December 1. I am certain that his lease requires, at the very least, 30 days notice and probably runs several months longer than that. Leases don't end on the first of the month. You don't get to pay "just one day" (and I doubt he intends to do that, even).


* Even if his landlord would be willing to let him out of his lease, he's blatantly not giving them the courtesy of a 30-day notice. And they'll need it--his apartment is disgusting.


* He is not poor or needy! He has a pension and veterans benefits. He buys guns all the time and always has the latest iPhone and Mac products. He thinks the VFW is just going to GIVE him $1000 for his security deposit. Even if they are willing to do that, it's a really crappy thing for him to ask. There are veterans who actually NEED that money.


* He didn't ASK if his son and adult grandsons will move him, he just assumes they will. OK, that's fine. I would assume the same of them for myself, but I'd still make the pretense of asking. So that is just an annoyance, I guess. I am not physically capable of helping with the move, so it's going to fall to my husband and one of my sons, who is a new father and has better things to do with his time. I seriously doubt the other son will lift a finger to help--he refused to help us move a year ago, and then later ended up living in my basement like a freeloading troll (that's a whole 'nother issue!). FIL never does anything for us except drop in from time to time to show us the latest iWatch or whatever that he purchased and complain about his neighbors parking in "his" (unassigned) parking spot. He has always promised gifts to the kids, usually a ridiculously small sum of cash (like $5 for an 18-year-old's birthday), and never followed through. They don't particularly like him.


* My husband has been unemployed for five months and we can't pay our mortgage or health insurance anymore! I am NOT going to pay for a freaking U-Haul! Where does he get off thinking we're made of money? He's been trying to move in with us for years, saying he'll contribute $200 a month to "help out." Uh, excuse you, mister? You currently pay $1100 a month rent plus utilities, and you think you'll just move into my home, eat my food, use my electricity, demand that I reconnect the cable, and leave your stinky unwashed clothing all over the place, for $200 a month that you probably wouldn't even give me??? I can't hire a maid for that much, and I am NOT your maid, sir! I've been putting him off on moving in with us. At first I told him that the basement in our old house wasn't safe for him (the day his wife passed, he announced he was moving into our basement). And most recently before he applied for senior housing, I said, "You can't move in with us. I love you and I want to keep it that way."


OK, yeah... reading back through this, burnout is the right category. I don't know what to do with this guy. We are the only family he has. FIL and deceased MIL were only children, and they had only two children. Sister-in-law is very severely mentally disabled and in an adult foster home. FIL has no financial responsibility for her care and likely hasn't seen her in months.


I don't want to abandon him, or get into a fight with him... but seriously? He thinks he's going to walk away from a lease, not have to pay for his own security deposit (and probably thinks he's going to get one back from the current apartment!), and that his unemployed son who has a family of his own to care for (we still have a semi-disabled minor child at home in addition to the troll in the basement) is going to pay for a U-Haul???


I don't know if I need help, advice, or just a shoulder to cry on... Any of those would be much appreciated. :(

Find Care & Housing
How about taking a trip from say last week in November to second week in December? Urgently looking for employment options somewhere else, for example? Give him a list of phone numbers for businesses that might help, and tell him that unfortunately he will have to organise it himself. And make sure that he doesn't have keys to your place!
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Whew! Feel better? As long as your husband and you are on the same page, your FILs lease, move, truck rental, whatever will all be his problems, not yours.

I heard a funny saying that I repeat to myself when my husband's family starts doing crazy things. Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

Just get some popcorn and watch the show!
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OP I've got a Dad (And a MIL to a certain extent) exactly like this.

Complete inability to spend any money whatsoever. Always wants something for free or for someone else to pay for it.

Has no grip on reality or how much things cost in the "real" world at all. But will constantly give his opinion on how "hes not paying and getting ripped off".

My Dad is proud hes never got a taxi/cab in his life. Says its not for people like us. He once phoned me to collect him from hospital - I was 2 hours+ away in work. I told him no. He refused to get a 15 minute taxi home (probably cost $15 tops) and sat and waited for 4 hours or so for free patient transport. (Then blamed me because it made him ill).

So him saving $15 was more important than me losing half a days work (Im self-employed!) plus me driving there. Could probably have paid for 15 taxis for the amount it would have cost me!

He does it with shopping. He wont pay £3 ($5) to have his shopping delivered from the supermarket because "he doesnt like it and its a waste of money" but gets me to do a 50 mile round trip via supermarket (takes about 2-3 hours of my time all told) to do his shopping...... (In the UK, 50 miles costs about £10 ($13) in gas/petrol!)
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Ah.

Well, if you filled out the application for him at his request, then...

1. Somebody must have brought the possibility to his attention. Who?
2. You must have been able to have a good look at the criteria, terms and conditions and so on - did you keep a copy of the paperwork? Can you get hold of it?
3. The application must have gone *to* someone. Who?
4. The confirmation must have come *from* someone. Who?

I am very fond of lists. Two check lists spring to mind here that you might usefully put together: #1 To Do; and #2 To Pay.

Whether you present these to him stony-faced and tell him to get busy; or you choose to do it with him so that you can supervise; or you cc them to any caseworker or social worker or customer service advisor whose name you can glean from the background depends on how involved you want to get. It is a bit of a 'lead, follow or get out of the way' situation; but I'd rule out follow for a start! Especially seeing as how FIL is to determined to cut any corners he can spot, pretty much on principle.

Do you have the time or inclination to get to grips with the project?
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I agree with CWillie. He’s on his own. You should tell him to take the troll with him and that you need a loan to catch up your bills since DH is unemployed. That should make him scarce.
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Thank you all, for your supportive words--I desperately needed them.

Countrymouse: I filled out the application for the senior housing for him, at his request. I'm not sure there's a friendly _anyone_ in the background. FIL has a tendency to offend people. Apparently he was on such a political rant once at Denny's that a couple at a neighboring table got up, told him he disgusted them so much that they couldn't eat their breakfast, and left! He told us about later, with apparent pride.

Fortunately, my husband is horrified by the idea of FIL in our home, though he won't say anything to him at all. I think a conversation they had the other day on this apartment topic (the conversation where the U-Haul proclamation came about) consisted of more words than they've exchanged total in five years. They barely talk, and never really have--they weren't close in my husband's childhood. Thankfully, though, despite the lack of fatherly affection, my husband turned into an absolute saint of a man--ideal loving husband, father, and grandfather--anyway!
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Your husband needs to tell Dad he needs to move on his own. Hire moving people. That he, ur husband, cannot put out any money because he doesn't have it. That if he doesn't inform his landlord that he is moving, he can be sued and that is on his head not yours. And the VFW...I would think they would need proof of income before they give out any money. They r not going to pay a security deposit if the Vet can afford to.

Good luck and come back anytime to vent.
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Leave him deal with his own mess, He created it. You are not obliged to look after him. Let him use his resources,

And deal with the troll in the basement. Either he pays rent or moves out, You do him no favours to let him leach off you. You are enabling him.

Set boundaries with both of them. Your situation is pretty stressful and only you can change that.
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If he gets a wriggle on and gives his landlord notice now, today, he may just get away with not being liable for December's rent.

Ugh! - Gosh what an infuriating man he sounds!

Now then. Who's in charge of communication with him, you or your husband?

It sounds as if you have had an uphill - though successful, and kudos to you - battle keeping FIL out of your house. Is your husband liable to get conned into stumping up for any of this cr*p? I.e. do you have a potential traitor in the camp..???!!

Who handled the application to go on the senior housing list? Did he do that himself or is there a friendly VA administrator in the background somewhere?
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You say he is "80 years old, above-average in health, and living independently with no diagnosed mental issues except being a tightwad". Uhm, if that is the case then why are you all dancing to his tune, let him fall on his face and deal with the consequences. Just.say.no.
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