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Ohio....does your counselor know any of this?

You ARE BEING ABUSED.
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You need to get out - you're a smart woman, you know this. Does anyone have any useful advice for this woman? You're being abused. Can one of your sons come over and drive one of your cars away? Can both come over and drive you the hell out of there? Restraining order? Anyone have any solid advice? I don't have any experience with this, but I do know, Ohio needs out of there. Ohio....does your counselor know any of this?
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My husband does have anger issues, but does and has not physical hit me, no. But has pinned me down on the bed scaring me half to death, screaming at me. He has threatened to take gasoline to burn both of my vehicles. I did call 911 over that one, I truly thought he was going to do that. When he says something, I have no reason to believe he won't do it. He has thrown a peach at me that smacked the wall instead of me. He gets ugly mean with evil, cutting words and won't stop the verbal attack until I give. I have tried to walk away from fights, he comes after me - totally badgering me, screaming ... I shut down. I can't fight back. I get nauseated and honest to goodness, I am not lying, I feel like I could collaspe at that point. My jaw hurts, so afraid of having a heart attack because I am so afraid. These arguments are not often because I will do anything I can NOT to provoke them. I am a very passive person that can't handle even raising of voices or I tighten up getting sick inside. I am on double stomach meds now over issues, with a doctor telling me that if it doesn't quit aching, I need to have it scoped. I still hurt there, so I need to go back to really have it checked out.
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Unfortunately sometimes a counselor can be ineffective. Most likely is he's not hearing what you're saying. Of course your husband doesn't want to contemplate losing his mom - hence the title of this thread - but you killing yourself isn't going to impress that harsh fact on him. He does need help with his abandonment issues but unless you can do a mind meld to take away his hurt and give him what he needs to clearly look at what's ahead without flinching, you can't help him. He's drowning and taking you with him.
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Ohio, if my impression of your husband is being slightly physically abusive with you is Wrong, I am so sorry!!! But that was an impression I had from one of your earlier comments. Please clarify like Cat and Emjo requested. I don't want to put words in your mouth. Sincerely, bkwm
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Ohio: If you are afraid that he will do something to hurt you physically if you leave, then talk to your attorney and see what is required for a restraining order. Have it in place. Actually, I think your husband is a coward. He is a bully and more than happy to treat you and your MIL badly because you will do nothing. Many and most times bullies are people that try to hurt those who they know have little defenses. If you leave, have a restraining order and stand calm in the face of their rants, they tend to deflate. They only want an easy target. Has he physically attacked you? I'm kind of doubting that because he can handle you by neglect so why the physical abuse. Tell us which is true.

I'd like to know if he has verbally threatened you. I mean beyond the comments that if you leave you will never get to come back. Has he threatened to hunt you down or take physical action against you if you leave.

Maybe you are afraid of him because he is so different than you ever realized. Whatever your fears are, let's hear them. If you get them out, they may lose their power over you. Have you told your therapist you are afraid of him?

I'd like to say that you have received excellent comments from the last 10 or so posters, especially the woman who shared about her mother's life. (I can't go back a page and pick out all the names or I will lose this post) But you know who they are.

Look, Ohio, your MIL has dementia; she's hateful and she doesn't like you. That could be the result of dementia or it could be that coupled with a personality disorder. I don't know, but what difference does it make. She will only get worse and you can't save her.

Make a plan. Make a plan. Make a plan. And get out!!!

Love, Cattails
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Ohio, please give a women's support group a call - you will be surprised how much they can help. Your parents, kids, grandkids and so many friends want to throw out the lifelines and pull you to safety - please grab ahold! I think you would be wise to plan your exit with their help. I suspect your husband could be dangerous. Please leave while you can still walk out - don't wait til you are carried out on a gurney.
God bless and keep you safe.
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I agree, if you are afraid of him call a women's shelter. He certainly is emotionally abusive. They can help guide you through the process of freeing yourself. I so want to see you enjoying your grandbabies and your kids... and yourself.
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Ohio, has he been "man-handling" you recently? I had an idea he was abusive when he locked you out as punishment and thought you were going to bang on the door to beg to be let in. When you did the opposite and started walking down the road and he came after you with the car and you refused to get in, you had said that he gently manhandled you. There were other signs but you did not say anything. But I think another commentor saw this too.

I think Rovana mentioned a women's support group. You will need to contact one of these women's organization that helps abused women. It's a victim's advocate against crime. We also have one here - it's a Women's Shelter. Perhaps you can call first before you do anything that will trigger your husband.
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Oh my dear - are you afraid of physical abuse? Had he threatened you?
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Him
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You are scared and overwhelmed - you have reason to be more scared of staying, dear one, than going. What are you scared of?
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Yes...I Know...
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The truth is ... I'm scared.
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Ohio, I only had 1 session with a Male therapist. Of course, he may have been the same as your therapist - or maybe not. All I'm saying is that when I saw he was a Male, I wasn't too happy. Because of my dysfunction background, I knew that I will never be able to completely be open to him...like I have difficulty being open to every male medical doctors.

But despite him being a male, he was very, very pro-me. He was gungho on helping Me as a Caregiver. He was blunt and I liked it even though I didn't care for the message. But, the message was For My Benefit. He did not try to excuse my siblings nor sugarcoat it. He was blunt.

Your therapist does sound like he's defending your husband. You need to find another therapist. How can you pour your secrets to him if you now know he's defended your husband once? What I got in that 1 session of mine...was a LOT of helpful information that will help ME...and it was only 1-hour!

Ohio, sometimes, okay....a LOT of time, changes are Scary. Knowing that by leaving him, you will now truly be by Yourself. But you're not. You have parents who love you enough to actually MOVE closer to you and bro. If you read enough of this site, you will know that most older people Do Not Want to Move from their home. That is how much your parents love you! They gave up their home to be closer to you. They would welcome you into their homes with open hearts if you just give them an outline of your current life and marriage.

Your brother and your kids and grandkids love you. Please stop hiding your head under the sand. Open your eyes. SEE what is going on. Take care, okay?
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"...nope. not gonna touch 'his' stuff, learned that early on. Not worth the drama. I can't handle anymore grief."

You are going to have to handle some grief, there is no happy way out OR through; as they say, the easy problems have been solved already. A man who gave two hoots in hell about you would at least let you use his exercise bike!!! His Porsche or his favorite expensive power tools OK sure, he could worry too much about. But please!! Stop giving yourself excuses to stay in this mess. You know what you have to do, or at least be truly willing to do, before any change has any chance to occur. Your fear of moving on and unwillingness to do it are propping up the whole sick sad situation. My only hesitation in pushing the SUBMIT button is the fear that there is an important fact or two you are leaving out that would make this make more sense than it does; otherwise I'm afraid we are just busy telling you what a good and noble person you are (you are, but that's besides the point!) and maybe paradoxically enabling or encouraging you to stay put and maintain a situation that is not really helping anyone make a better life for themselves. Hubby is maintaining a status quo so he can try to build financial security for himself and avoid being burdened or stressed, but what kind of person, what kind of relationships, and what kind of life does that get him in the long run? MIL is getting care, but she is hating it and not getting any better. If she ends up in an assisted living facility, her ability to adjust to it is not going to be better later vs sooner. And you are losing yourself and getting less and less able to have an independent life or future as this whole thing drains you out spiritually and financically. As you can see from Folger's post, "unselfishly" caring for MIL is going to end up being very, very selfish and hurtful to others who have a much more valid claim on your relationship time and energy.
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Ohio, please read and read again and then again folgers' post. She watched it happen up close and personal. You want a crystal ball to see your future? Read her post again!

You have only had a few sessions with this counselor. He doesn't know you as well as we do! For him to make that comment which sounds like a defense of your husband he can't have heard as much as we have about the self-centered excuse of a man you are married to. Your counselling sessions are limited and you need results. You went in there with the idea you needed help coping with MIL. WRONG TOPIC! Bring this counselor speedily up to date on your marriage, or find another counselor pronto -- probably a female.

You are sooooo worthy of a good life and a chance for happiness! We all want to see you take the steps necessary to have that chance.
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Ohiogal, I just saw a great quote on FB it's "When you say yes to others, make sure you're not saying no to yourself." So when will you be going?
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rovana, yes - I know he is squirreling away his assets, I know which way I need to head.
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Judy, that was so great, in the back of the truck with the fertilizer. Ohiogal Please understand this is the truth. You need to take Cattails and the others' advice and get out. MIL isn't the little bird you think she is. She doesn't want you to help her. Get the help in place for her and get out soon. And don't look back. Your husband and his sister have the relationship with their mother because MIL built it that way. We reap what we sow. You aren't a social worker. You're being used and abused. You give up your future for anyone. You can only help others when you keep yourself stable. What happens if your kids or grandkids need you? I mean something serious or hugely great. You need to keep yourself strong so you can be there when they need you.
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Ohio, I keep reading this thread, thinking "Get out. Run. Plan your escape, execute it, and save yourself." I'm waiting for you to realize what everyone else here does. And, you know, you sound like such a nice person, like I can imagine that it'd be nice to be your friend - you'd be trustworthy and loyal and probably lots of fun once you weren't being beaten down - you deserve better than this, you've just got to realize it yourself. I think if you put some distance between you and the situation, you'd realize how far they've stomped you down. You're not in the driver's seat of your life. You're not even in the passenger's seat. You're in the back of the truck with the fertilizer. I hate to be so frank, but I'm seeing the writing on the wall and you're still hoping its not there, refusing to turn your head and read it.
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the counsellor said WHAT!!!!! Fire him and find another one. i wouldn't put up with that for a moment longer!!!!Oh that makes me so mad!!!!!! He sure at heck has not been listening to you and your concerns. Keep going, Ohio, till you find someone good for you! I can't believe this!!!!
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OhioGal08,I'm new here.I read your whole thread.My God.You sound like my mother.All my life she's been trying to win my father's love.She took care of my grandma(his mother)and his stepfather forever while he did his own thing.He left on holiday's without us,he golfed on the weekends,he went on vacations without us.And she took it all my life.He was thoughtless,selfish,self-centered human being I've ever known.He also has separate money.His money-her money.She knows nothing of his assets.When I read in one of the comments that your husband wouldn't take care of you if something happened-you are right on.He won't.How do I know?My mother fell down the stairs 3 months ago.She broke her vertabre in her neck back,broke her pelvic bone,shattered her left arm.Broke 5 ribs.And this happen a week before his mother's death.The only thing he cared about is who is going to cook for him and make his lunch!He didn't care about my mom at all.She's out of rehab and all that.She's at home now and she's going down hill so fast because she's broken.Spirit-mind.She's broken.I'm 39 years old with 4 kids.I don't have the room to let her move in.She won't leave either.All she does is talk about my dad.He controlled the cars ,who she can see, you name it.She's so depress she takes things out on me(it's been a nightmare my whole life).My dad is looking for another scapegoat.Yep me.Oh no I'm not.That's a story.I don't want to hyjack your thread.I came here looking reading other posts trying to get a clue.One day I will post about everything.

But please,please......save yourself.My mother didn't.She's broken.She's 70 years old and she seems like 98 years old.My father whom is 77 is still working and won't-refuses to miss any work to help my mother.It won't get better I'm telling you.Your children will see you go down faster than you can blink an eye.We aren't meant for continous abuse.It will break you.You sound like a lovely person that needs NOW to get out.I'm sorry to be so forward with being new.I never posted anything only lurked for help,but this is what I wish my mother would do.Your so young yet and there is life ahead for you.You got to just change it before it's too late.
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Mommag: You did post a link, but it seems links get removed. If you want to do that, you have to sell it out like dot com or it will be removed.

Ohio: If you don't feel like your counselor is listening to you, tell him that. He needs the feedback and any good counselor will be open to your thoughts. Remind him you have limited visits and don't want to waste them.

Didn't you have an appointment with an attorney a while back. I am concerned about your husband hiding assets. That's a good possibility.

Sometimes we do for others what we want done for ourselves. You would like to be protected so you do your best to protect your mother-in-law. You've done that with your husband too; gone along with bad behavior so you could prove to him you loved him and were worthy of his trust. Maybe you are drawn to wounded people, because you are wounded, so you can try to heal them the way you want someone to heal you. You have to take that "stray animal in need of protection" THAT IS YOU and love and protect it with all your heart. Love yourself the way you want to be loved.

Unfortunately, you can't fix someone else, especially if they have character issues. You can only fix yourself by learning more about who you are and why you stay in bad situations. Here is a story a friend of my shared on another thread. It goes to character:

The Scorpion and the Frog
A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion says, "Because if I do, I will die too."
The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream, the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown, but has just enough time to gasp "Why?
Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."

Stay with us Ohio. Love and Hugs, Cattails
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Ohio, I understand about "his stuff"....I was just being a little bratty with that comment! I wonder if a female counselor would be better for you? Sounds like the counselor was making excuses for your husband...and that is not what you need at this time.
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mommag, no, I don't see any link. Can I look for that another way?
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mommag, nope. not gonna touch "his" stuff, learned that early on. Not worth the drama. I can't handle anymore grief.
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ravensdottir. I did not have a good counseling session yesterday. I feel he wasn't listening. Maybe I need a lesson in communicating. He tells me that the situation makes everyone not be themselves & perhaps my husband feels that he can't handle the truth his mother is approaching worse health & closer to death. Hey - what about the LIVE person here who is being run into the ground? I've just had 2 bad days trying to juggle everything, with taking accusations thrown at me right and left. I'm tired. Nothing makes sense.
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cattails, this post really opened my eyes. why didn't I see this before? That makes total sense. I guess I am seeing myself in my MIL. Oh my gosh, I read, re-read, then read that post again. Yes. Right on. I am having an moment here to ponder those words. Thank you.
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I am so sorry for you Ohio gal. My mother is very stubborn as well, has taken falls and will not take the necessary precautions for safety ie walks w/ no cane, no walker, balance issues. I know how EXTREMELY frustrating it is to try to take every precaution, be "on watch" 24/7 in order to try to prevent hazards. It takes a toll mentally and physically. My mother does NOT have nasty behavior and my husband is emotionally supportive, even though he has health issues of his own.... and I STiLL get frustrated. I can't even begin to imagine the volcano of anger and frustration inside that you must control every day. I will pray for you-- you are on a hard road.
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