Husband going up to see his folks on his own need advice.

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Husband going up to see his folks on his own need advice.

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B BlackHole Jun 2016 · Answer 1 · 2016-06-21T11:28:04.000-0400

Not to be macabre, but if you & hubby were both in the hospital at the same time, someone would take care of your daughter and dogs, right? Marshall those resources now -- and visit the in-laws as a couple.

I forget how far it is; perhaps you could drive separately? Do your recon together....then you could shoot home and husband could stay a little longer?

If this sounds like logistical insanity, at least it's logistical insanity that you and your husband planned in advance. Someday the phone will ring, and you'll need to upend your household like this without warning. And with 4 elders in their various states, your phone and your suitcase will get a workout in upcoming years.

You and husband really need to make a pre-emergency assessment of all this. As soon as possible. And -- this is crucial -- you must evaluate what IS. Not what you wish for. Not what they were capable of 1 year ago or 10 years ago. It's all about now. And the future.

G GretaB Jun 2016 · Answer 2 · 2016-06-21T11:59:33.000-0400

Okay... That makes sense. I'll talk to him in the next couple nights, and I'm thinking of having him join here. He keeps telling me his dad has always been weird, but I really think this has been over the top the past few years. His dad has had quirky moments before, but he used to seem able-bodied, more easy-going and more kind (though he can be judgmental and has a short fuse about some things). His family is my family and it is important to me to be respectful of their relationship with each other. However, it is really hard when I can see how disruptive things are going to be if (when) they blow up on us. And I will be doing my part to be supportive and pick up the pieces without saying "I told you so" or being angry, because that's what people who love each other should do in emergencies—even ones that could have been prevented. For all I gripe, my husband has done that for me in the past and I cannot begin to express gratitude for his kindness for it, but I will return it when he needs me. But I'd like to at least try to avoid things becoming worse than they need to be—especially since I've seen it tear my mom's family apart, KWIM?

S Salisbury Jun 2016 · Answer 3 · 2016-06-22T09:39:03.000-0400

This is what I said on June 14th: It is time. What you are describing is very common: children have an inkling but are far away and visit only every few months.
Move. Act. Trust me on this. Right now you are up in arms about dogs and cats. But as you say, there is more and it is already happening. Snap into action! Don't wait until they have done something irrevocable with money. Then you will truly be singing the blues. It can be ruinous.

QUIT WRINGING YOUR HANDS AND DO SOMETHING -- OR FORGET ALL ABOUT IT.

G GretaB Jun 2016 · Answer 4 · 2016-06-22T16:54:33.000-0400

Excuse me, but part of why I came here was for support and advice and to find a safe place to vent—not to be yelled at. I deal with enough conflict even getting my husband to acknowledge this is an issue—and half the time he won't. Even after he agrees something his up, he talks to his parents and magically forgets everything we talked about seeing. I feel like I'm getting gaslighted about it from him and if I push too hard it will wreck our marriage. I don't need this from strangers right now.

G GretaB Jun 2016 · Answer 5 · 2016-06-22T16:58:07.000-0400

On top of that, there's only so much I can interfere as these are my inlaws. I have to get my husband to acknowledge something is off before we can take action. He does *not* want me going up alone and that would make for a crapload of drama with his family. Even if I saw something wrong, he will deny it unless he sees it himself without his blinders on. Until he can get to that point, we are stuck.

L Linda22 Jun 2016 · Answer 6 · 2016-06-22T18:35:11.000-0400

Greta, you're not stuck. You know there's a problem and you've hit that point most of do where emergencies will be coming up with your parents and inlaws. So now you get to work on the emergency bug out list. Worst case scenario - you need to leave town ASAP, without dogs or your daughter (assume that you will be so immersed that you can't also tend to your daughter). Make a list of everything you'd need to do to be ready to hit the road in an hour. Who to call, what to do, petcare, childcare, what to pack. Then you get the plan rolling - find petcare, arrange childcare with a close friend, set aside a small supply of meds for you and your husband (if needed), make a list with all needed phone numbers. I'd advise having a smartphone or iPad with you because you'll need to research things on the fly. I've even kept a backpack ready for long days at the hospital and had a list of things my MIL needed every hospital stay so I could have them there the first day. I kept some frequent flyer miles available at all times because my emergencies were long distance. Until you and your husband are able to go there and assess, this will at least help you deal with the inevitable emergencies when they arise.

S Salisbury Jun 2016 · Answer 7 · 2016-06-23T08:17:19.000-0400

Thank you, Linda 22.

Greta, this IS support. You wanted support and we are giving you the green light. Mobilize. Now.

And stay in touch. Let us know how you are doing. Your status, as many know, is critical. You are not alone in this. There are lot so people in your situation.

S Sunnygirl1 Jun 2016 · Answer 8 · 2016-06-23T08:30:25.000-0400

Great advice above, imo. I would try to avoid the panic of getting a surprise phone call from some agency, financial office, police or medical office saying there is a crisis and you are needed pronto.

V vstefans Jun 2016 · Answer 9 · 2016-06-23T10:40:48.000-0400

I wish it was easier for you. But the people telling you what is likely coming are probably right. Would hubby listen if heart to heart you tell him how conflicted you are, how this is eating you up with anxiety, and how real the possibility is that something will fall apart in the near future? Tell him you HAVE to go just to give yourself peace of mind? One of those brick walls has to give way!

W wildfire Jun 2016 · Answer 10 · 2016-06-23T11:20:53.000-0400

The thing I have experienced it that it is a great deal of time. Time just sitting, walking and more just sitting in their comfortable environment. Answers to questions eventually come out or observations ultimately reveal themselves.

G GretaB Jun 2016 · Answer 11 · 2016-06-23T15:55:34.000-0400

Thank you, All. I really appreciate your help. This is very emotionally draining. The worst part is this thing in me...my instinct...I've come to terms with that it is never wrong. If I realized how strong it was and trusted it when I was younger I would have had a very different life (in a positive way). I just can't ignore it anymore.

We're working things out currently and trying to stay positive. Counseling is definitely in our future. We have a happy marriage beyond all this, but issues with our parents (mine make his look like a heart-warming sitcom) have been shaking things up. Will update later.

G GretaB Jul 2016 · Answer 12 · 2016-07-02T13:29:14.000-0400

DH went up for a 4-day visit and had a conversation with his folks. It was really positive, and made them happy. Communication is finally happening.

Concerns about the cats are being addressed. Sounds like MIL has similar worries about FIL as we do, but FIL's doctor has been blowing her off claiming its just aging and "guy stuff."

Then DH's grandmother is really unhappy (probably bored) due to lost mobility—even with support. People from her church and family visit and help out but she is still very unhappy as she can't walk easily due to pain. She is the type of person who is always on the go and this is making it very hard for her to do what she loves which is making her miserable.

Hubby is going up again, and we are all going up a little later and staying at a hotel for a longer period. The plan is to stay late one or more nights and talk, but my husband is at least getting it started. My MIL very much has things together (as much as a person can in that kind of situation), but she is tired, angry, sad, and overwhelmed—and it is wearing her away.

We want to keep talking with her to help her and the rest of the family.

B BarbBrooklyn Jul 2016 · Answer 13 · 2016-07-02T14:36:12.000-0400

Greta, kt sounds like someone needs to get fil to a geriatric psychiatrist or neurologist to take a closer look and his day to day functioning.

B BlackHole Jul 2016 · Answer 14 · 2016-07-02T16:21:26.000-0400

Greta, ditto what Bablou said. Sounds like it was a productive fact-finding mission. Glad to hear that the conversation was an "opener" (and not a "closer" as it is in so many of our families -- no matter how delicately we choose our words). You have a good info and a good foundation for future visits. Those oldsters are blessed to have you! It's rough that you are so far away, but that's modern life. Keep us posted.

S Salisbury Jul 2016 · Answer 15 · 2016-07-03T10:31:10.000-0400

Ditto. ditto.

So happy to hear this. Sounds like you can exhale a bit.

Husband going up to see his folks on his own need advice.

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