I started this discussion last year. Really appreciate everyone's advice, but never really resolved it:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/father-in-law-less-independent-181558.htm
Long story short, we've been suspicious there's been some underlying health issues with my ILs. FIL acts odd and needy when we visit. My MIL's parents are both still alive (96 and 99). They seem to be able to get around and even drive still, but my MIL is taking care of a bulk of their medical arrangements. I think the stress is wearing her down at the least...possibly killing her slowing. She used to call me up and sometimes cry about it, but she never talks about it fully to her own son (DH is an only). This year she has become very aloof and that is what worries us most. I think DH is scared. He oscillates between calling them every day to every other day to going a couple weeks without really talking. We were supposed to all visit in a couple weeks with DD (she is 7) and our dogs. MIL has told us they don't want dogs over. She mentioned she worries the cats will puke up their meds and the dogs will eat them, but I think it's truly FIL has become more and more fearful of the dogs hurting the cats—even though two of them have have visited before and are gentle with our cats (the third is big and we don't take him to their house). She's also said there are loads of appointments they are going to. I believe the last. I think they are very stressed and perhaps this is not a good time to visit with DD (as much as everyone wants to see one another). But maybe it'd be a good idea DH go up on his own? He could talk to MIL then (they've always had trouble finding time to talk when DD is there with us). I think his parents need to see him (and perhaps vice versa). Are there quick resources I can send him that can give openings into these discussions? Also, what kinds of things should he look for when he visits?
It is VERY, VERY COMMON for elders to mask their problems and deficiencies for a few hours. It is only when you are under the same roof a prolonged period that you can see what is really going on.
Go with him. You nee dot see this, too.
This article may be helpful:
www.agingcare.com/articles/signs-your-parent-needs-help-143228.htm
It is a 5 hour drive. It is very hard for us to leave all the dogs home. We have 3 dogs. One does get left behind (or I stay with him while DH takes DD). Another is very geriatric and would not do well with a pet sitter (she has stress seizures if she doesn't come with us). She has been up to visit the ILs for 12 years and never caused any problem. The other one has terrible separation anxiety and he is tiny (10 pounds). All of them are very well behaved. The older and little dog have been visiting for years. DH's grandparents love seeing them and are sad if we don't bring them both.
But FIL has strangely become obsessed with dogs killing his cats. Our dogs live very peacefully with our cats (and have been with theirs), but FIL is convinced they will hurt his cats—even our little dog who is smaller than their cats. Once he randomly told me if he was ever walking his cat (he's never walked his cats) and someone's dog attacked the cat, he'd kill the dog.
Later, he yelled at our little dog, because he did a play stance (bowed on front legs) and wagged his tail at a cat who was bigger than him. This is not at all like FIL. When we had 2 other dogs (who passed away), he loved them as much as we did for 10-11 years. No one has tripped over the dogs.
I try very hard to schedule trips several times a year, but it's very hard. DH is the one to finalize things as my job is a lot more flexible than his. He perpetually puts off making time to see them unless I hassle him (which I *hate* doing and don't feel it's fair I have to do—but I still do out of guilt and feeling the ILs need us to visit—MIL seems lonesome and we need to talk). This makes it difficult for me to secure pet care (we have a couple cats—as well as the dog we leave home).
But—pets aside—this is a very small part of our concerns. Each time we go to visit FIL does weird things like he keeps repeating the same things....like this horrible story about a baby relative dying when he was a child. He's also said a few inappropriate things in front of DD. Most of the time she's been little enough it's gone over her head, but she's getting older now and we worry she is going to pick up on it. He's always had strong views, but he used to have a better filter around kids.
I would make the trip with your husband, I think it will take both of you voicing your concerns to get through to her. The dogs and DD will be a distraction but better to take them all then not make the trip. It sounds as though it is way past time you had "the conversation" about their future needs and plans and getting all the legal documents in order. Don't push, she may react by throwing up emotional barrier, simply state the things you have seen and ask her what can be done to help. It may be helpful to go armed with some information on resources available in their area. Number one is to figure out a way she can get some respite.
It is time.
What you are describing is very common: children have an inkling but are far away and visit only every few months.
Move. Act. Trust me on this.
Right now you are up in arms about dogs and cats. But as you say, there is more and it is already happening. Snap into action! Don't wait until they have done something irrevocable with money. Then you will truly be singing the blues. It can be ruinous.
Things to check (and do not feel bad about snooping): Is the cleanliness of kitchen and bathroom below their usual standard? Does the house smell musty (or worse)? Check fridge for expired food. Do they rely excessively on processed food/take-out/microwave meals?
Are mail and papers in disarray? (Check mail for $ solicitations, religious or otherwise.) Are there pointless multiples of non-perishable food, OTC meds, first-aid supplies and household gadgets? Are store purchases (in bags) and gifts (in bags) stashed in odd places?
Look for excessive and/or unaddressed to-do lists. Look for notes to self and/or how-to write-ups -- such as "turn off stove" or written directions to operate the microwave, etc.
Take note of odd "hacks" such as taping a light switch up or down, piling a bunch of crap in front of a door "for security," etc. Do they insist that a phone, remote or small appliance is broken, when the truth is they can't figure out how to operate it?
Is car registration, inspection & insurance current? Check the car for scrapes and dents.
A biggie: Check dad's browser history. Most guys his age don't love technology all that much. There's a very good chance he's ordering weird crap online, screwing up their bills, engaging with scammers and such.
An important thing to keep in mind about my FIL is he is an exception when it comes to technology. Unlike most people his age, he is actually *obsessed* with it. MIL is very careful about making sure financial matters are up to date. She was always mostly in charge of that. If she wasn't having to take on so much with her parents and their cats (they drive to the vets several times a week), I would completely have faith they are doing well enough to handle things on their own. My big concern is that a year ago, MIL was open with me about her parents and is now super quiet. For example both her parents have been in the hospital a couple times for very serious matters, and DH and I won't find about about this until a week later. One time, his grandmother called to apologize for sending a card late and mentioned after the fact she was in the hospital.
As someone who cares about her MIL, FIL and hubby's grandparents (they are my family to me), I'm very concerned for all of them. As someone who loves her husband, I am pissed. It is very unfair to him on so many levels that they keep him in the dark—especially as he's their only kid. I cannot imagine doing this to our daughter when she is an adult. I love that MIL opens up to me (perhaps she's expecting me to talk to her son), but he needs to hear some of this from them, and we really need them to open up about what going on. At the very least, it prepares us if someone's health (physical or mental) is on the decline. At the most, we can help them the best they need and want. I wish they'd understand that!
That said, she *does* actively keep her son in the dark. It's something she and my FIL have always done. I'm sure they think they are protecting us, but it makes things worse.
I agree with Linda. Someone in their 60s, caring for two elders in their 90s, a gazillion cats and a husband who frankly sounds a bit unhinged? It's a recipe for a stroke or heart attack. Who is going to have to step up to care for these folks if your MiL winds up in the hospital for several weeks, or worse?
Try to get your husband to see that by solving some of these problems now, he's acting out of self protection, as well as in his mom's interests,
Someone should contact the vet and stop the flow of cats...and money. Someone should get in touch with the Area Agency on Aging and see what services are available for his grandparents. Perhaps DH could accompany grands to their next dr appointment.
And someone needs to get MiL to her doctor for a checkup, and to see if these stressors have already done damage.
We had a big talk tonight that almost ended in an argument. He tried to divert it again. Instead of pushing things I walked away, wrote a numbered list of the weird things that have happened this year, and handed it to him. He actually read it! Then he put it in his wallet. He said he's keeping it to say focused when he sees visits. I will ask him if he can come with to a doctor visit for the grands. He doesn't think the cat flow will continue. I disagree. MIL has loads of common sense, but it's been like she's worked overtime to do anything possible to keep her husband happy—even if it goes against her beliefs (another reason I think something odd is going down). It doesn't help the vets try to pressure them to adopt more cats sometimes.
Keeping my fingers crossed and hoping he can keep his rose-tinted glasses off when he visits.
So, the dogs are not the issue anymore.
But our daughter is. She is very young to be staying on her own with someone else (though I have several wonderful friends available if an emergency arrises).
My FIL completely occupies my husband's time 70% of the time we are there. When he's not talking his ear off (and a lot of times when he does—though I try to keep her busy), my daughter clings to her daddy. I can only keep the kid busy for so long. Sheis a wonderful kid—very intelligent and sweet, but she's very young and high-energy. This leaves my husband very distracted (and tired). By the time we can talk with my MIL alone, the two of us are ready for bed.
This is why he is going without me this time. It's not ideal, but hopefully will give him a better clue into things and he can really see the situation with his own eyes without our little monkey daughter swinging off him. :)
Maybe he can get his folks to open up with him or at least start a dialog. Then we can come up later as a family and actually have a good talk together. It really benefits everyone, and we should have done it a good 5-10 years ago.
If something happens to his mom (and the way this is going it will), it will be very difficult for us to fulfill their needs/wishes if they don't even give us a voice as to what they want. Even if they *do*, it's not fair for us not to know until the emergency happens. FIL may or may not be able to live on his own, but it would be terrible to simply expect this and find out after-the-fact he can't. Hubby's uncle may be fine caring for the grands on his own, but that also is not fair to expect. There's also the issue with the cats. We had initially promised to take all of them (back when there were just a couple). Now that is not a realistic solution for anyone—including all the cats. It would be terrible to dump them in the shelter (and as much I'd be tempted to hoist them on the vets—it'd be so much better they go to good homes). So we need a plan.
Investigate the cost and feasibility of every care option for the grandparents and MIL & FIL. For the couples as couples, and for the individuals. Even if it's the wrong time to discuss it with them (because they will freak out and resist), you & hubby need to know where to go, who to call and where to sign -- and how long the waiting list is -- when it flips to crisis-mode. And with this cast of characters, there will be more than one crisis.
Good luck to you. Research, research, research. The internet is your best friend. And tell that vet to take a flying leap. In person. He or she is terribly irresponsible.
Is there perhaps another reason your MIL has stopped confiding in you? Has she found another confidant? Have you encouraged her to give up caring for her parents a little too often, or been less than supportive of her choices?
I understand you have made the decision about the problems with the dogs and your child. In the future she would probably love to stay with a friend for a holiday, didn't you say she is 9? Also unless FIL is violent or totally off his rocker there is nothing there that she can't be exposed to, it will teach her compassion.
I do *not* ever tell her what to do. I can't even begin to grok what she's going through. It is never my place to judge or make decisions for her. When she's not overwhelmed, she has amazing common sense and I'm usually the one asking her for advice. I get the sense she is overwhelmed—or possibly—we are both too busy and cross like ships in the night. There is always the third possibility she comes here herself and has seen my first thread, but I don't get any sense/clues that is what is happening.
No, her mind isn't going at all, but I think she is depressed and burnt out. I worry for her physical health as well. If she wasn't already having some mobility pain issues it'd be a lot different, but I saw my own grandmother die from caretaking. It will kill me to watch it happen to another family member and just do nothing about it. :(
I'm hoping my husband starts to see things for what they are without distractions. I'm hoping he can get a conversation started with his parents—or at least his mom—about what *they* are planning to do (or want to do) if/when someone becomes incapacitated or worse. We will go from there. We want to be as supportive of them as we can, but realistically. For example? Their cats are willed to us, yet there is no way we can care for them all—even if we didn't have our own pets. If we can start a conversation—a real one—I think we can work things out. Maybe my MIL will look into getting help or reveal she's getting it. Would also like her to come clean about whatever is going on with FIL. If his mind is going or he has a serious/terminal condition, we really should know so we can help them (the way they want/need) and/or prepare ourselves.