Mom is partially blind, uses a walker,some incontinence ( wears depends and is able to change them on her own), slight dementia ( confused 5% of the time), a survivor of three strokes and her doctor says that she is in good health for her age. I have to assist her with bathing and dressing due to her blindness and balance issues. She has always had a pleasant personality and enjoys interacting with others. My husband is a Pastor of a small congregation where we both minister. My father was a Pastor so mom is right at home with us being able to attend church services and participate any way she can regularly, which she was unable to do before coming to live with us. My husband is not in agreement for her to live with us permanently and the plan was for me to be allowed to bring her home with us and transition her to assisted living because she is unable to live alone. I have no family members here in Georgia so i am missing the support needed to help with mom. There are those who could relieve me in the home if needed, however my husband is very picky about who can be left alone in our home which makes my options more difficult. I am 58 and my husband is 71 with some health issues developing just recently. I do my best to keep any burden from him by caring for mom completely without his assistance. I realize he is still sort of caretaker as well just by all of us being in the same household. I am writing today because it is becoming more difficult each day to cope. My husband constantly complains about the care i give my mom- he criticizes how i care for her-accuses me of giving her too much attention-accuses me of not paying enough attention to some things- one minute he is supportive and the next minute he is very resentful that she is here in our home invading his space. Both of his parents lived to be well in their 90's before we were married 12 years ago and he was the caretaker for both of them, living in the same home with them and made it possible for them to not be placed in a nursing home for about 10 years. I explained to him that I would like to give my mother the best care possible as he did his parents and not just rush her into a nursing home or assisted living facility. I understand that he was single when he cared for them, it is just unfortunate that their is no one else who can care for my mother except for me at this time. One of my nieces in New York had volunteered to take on the task and grew weary after about a few months and it was not safe for mom to go back to her apartment that she had, so that is why she is here. I don't know how to make life more tolerable for myself because of my husband's constant nagging and complaining. My husband is very independent and prefers to do most everything for himself, yet in still he accuses me of not giving him enough attention and when it is offered he refuses and this was going on before she even came to live with us. My goal is to speak to mom about having her own place in an assisted living community, I just wanted to smooth transition her because she has voiced in the past that she does not want to go to a nursing home unless it becomes too much for me to handle her. I have stopped working temporarily because my husband is not willing to allow her to live here and have aides come in to care for her while I work. Can someone out there PLEASE HELP ME with some helpful advice to cope with what I am going through?

Lady Dianna

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The plan has always been for Mom to transition into a care center. Perhaps the best first step to a solution is start looking for a suitable care center.

But I agree with cwillie. This sounds more like a marriage problem than a caregiving problem. You mention that your husband has health issues. If is behavior is considerably different now than, say, five years ago, I wonder if that could be related to his health issues. But if he has always needed to be the center of attention, then perhaps this is just a personality trait. Whatever the cause, it does not sound like a comfortable marriage for you to feel constantly criticized and not supported, and like you can never please him.

I suggest 1) getting Mom comfortably settled in a suitable care center, and 2) considering marriage counseling.

You say "he accuses me of not giving him enough attention and when it is offered he refuses and this was going on before she even came to live with us". This sounds like an issue within your marriage that really has little to do with your mom. It sounds as if he wants to be the centre of your universe and will be jealous of the attention you give to your mom whether she is in assisted living or not. I agree with RobinJo though, your mom must sense the way he feels and she may be happier around people her own age. Go for a few tours, some facilities will let you come for a meal or join in an activity. Sometimes it is just fear of the unknown that keeps us from moving forward.

It's too bad your husband can't see helping your mother as a way to demonstrate God's compassion.
Given that we can't change our spouses - even though you are giving her an excellent quality of life it sounds, she may be much happier in an assisted living facility. My father was not at all interested in being in one, until he moved in to one. He regained a sense of independence - instead of depending on us to make meals, he could walk right down the hall to the dining room, there were frequent activities, much more companionship with people in similar stages of life and the shared history of their times. When I went to the memorial service they had there, people spoke of his constant smile, so I knew we'd done the right thing by helping him be there (with frequent visits from family of course).

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