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Long story short- father in nursing rehab facility last 45 days. He had been hospitalized with intestinal issues and was too weak for stepmother to care for him. While in hospital developed dementia which is continuing. He is ok about 85% of time though and we want him back home for 30 days to see if it disipates. Then would be willing to consider memory care if it doesn't but he has had a 45 day kidney infection that we wonder might also be contributing to dementia. Stepmother doesn't want him to come home at all. Sister and I made clear we are willing to stay with him around clock for those 30 days. She wants to place him in a home instead. Normally had a very good relationship with her but all of a sudden she doesnt want anything to do with us.
Our concerns are #1- how do we get him back into his own home (it's in both of their names) ? #2 He has long term care policy which she has not allowed us to see. #3 What is to keep her from depleting their assets and diverting them away ? Wouldn't think she would do that but now not so sure.
We really can't determine what it is that she wants. Their relationship had been good before but since he has been ill the for better and for worse, in sickness and in health seems to be swept to the side. She was visiting him daily but seems to be backing down and also is now avoiding us and won't answer the phone. I don't want to find my dad in poverty for the remainder of his life.

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It sounds as if she is worried about the money being depleted, but also, she may be frightened that she can't care for him at home. She may not know there's help available besides family such as in-home care, which she may prefer.
She is likely his Power Of Attorney, but perhaps they haven't had one drawn up. She is his wife, however, so she has some legal rights. Try to remember that she is grieving, just like you are. It's strange she won't let you see the long-term care policy.
I would try to approach her in a friendly manner and ask if there is a Power Of Attorney, and see if you can help her, if there isn’t one drawn up, by going to an estate attorney to see what should be done. Try to put it in a way where you want to help, not that you are accusing her of anything bad.
In the end, this is about trust. You have differing opinions about your dad and the care that is best. She will actually lose more money if he goes to a nursing home, so she can't be accused of not using the money for his care if that is her plan.
I would try to find an old friend of theirs to help mediate. A spiritual leader may be able to help. Professional mediators are sometimes needed, but if you can handle this without rancor, it's better for everyone. Good luck with this. Your situation is not unusual, unfortunately. Just try not to be accusatory unless you know there is a problem, and see if a third party can help sort this out. Everyone is emotional, and not at their best.
Carol
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