Hi Everyone. I feel like I'm complaining, but I honestly don't mean to. I'm the sole caregiver for my mom and s-father. Both are in very poor health, but my mom who was always the healthy one, is now in the worst shape. In the past 2 weeks, she's been in the cardiac unit of the hospital, had 2 cardiac cath's, a stent placement for peripheral artery disease, and had major complications including an aneurysm at the cath site. She looks awful. She refuses to stay in the hospital for even 1 minute longer than she has to. Now that the crisis part seems to be under control, she's home, but looks awful, has a lot of pain, can barely walk and sleeps a LOT. My s-dad helps her a lot, for which I thank God for! He needs help too though. I've had to stop doing so much around the house. I can no longer vacuum and I'm to the point of exhaustion physically and emotionally. I'm having bad bad panic attacks, severe depression, and can't eat b/c of the stress. I live in their home since I had to go on disability from my nursing career a few years ago. I spend most all of my time in my room, alone. I have no friends to call. I see a counselor once a week when I can afford to and when I'm able to get out of the house b/c of my own pain issues. I feel dreadfully alone. I've cried so much that I feel I'm becoming a bit numb. The panic attacks are the worse! I don't know where to turn. I'm feeling hopeless and lost. I pray a lot, am on antidepressant meds and meds for anxiety. Once again I'm crying...and have to hide my feelings from my mom and s-dad b/c they're so ill and I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I wish I had a friend! My best friend broke off contact with me in September 2010, just before my mom was to go into the hospital for more major cardiac surgery. I think my friend thought I might ask her to watch my puppy, or help me in some way, which I wouldn't have asked anything of her except for her emotional support and friendship. We were friends for 22+ years. I try to keep a positive attitude in front of others and try not to complain. Still, it seems that I find myself in a situation where all I do is care for others, put on a fake smile, and be the strong one for everyone else. It's hard to watch as my mom and s-dad decline and I get so afraid everytime I walk through the livingroom where they're both sleeping or napping, and I have to look closely to make sure they're still breathing. I need help now too, especially emotionally. I pray for a friend. I'm so thankful I can come here where I know all of you understand. I really need to connect with sane people...lol.
Bless you all!