Get your aging parents to downsize asap if they are still in their single family home.

So the newspaper thing....I shouldn't be doing that?

LaraLu, I can easily understand your Mom's OCD around the house, that stems from not having control of the outside world, therefore one could have control of his/her own house. I tend to be the same way, everything has to be in its place. Yes, even the towels have to be folded a certain way, mainly to fit them all in the linen closet.

That is probably why dealing with my parents house is so frustrating to me as too many things are no longer in its place. Years ago everything was in order from previously dated material neatly filed away, but that fell by the wayside during the past few years. Mom use to be so neat and orderly. Last weekend I was trying to match the china sets with each other, some were in this cabinet, some in other cabinets, some were upstairs, found one bowl in the basement.

And my Dad had his newspaper piles of unread newspapers, and I couldn't convince him to just toss it all and start from scratch as everything was now old news.... that only started a couple of years ago.... my theory was Dad would start reading the newspaper and fall asleep, thus saved it for the next day, and the day after, etc.

Downsizing is another one of those "hot button" topics that if I even mention it sends my mom into a major snit. Daddy died a year ago and she used to blame him. It's always been her. I'd go to their house to drive them to a doctor's appointment (of which there were many each week) and he'd be sitting there in his chair all depressed because of all the "stuff". She's always had a very specific way of doing EVERYTHING. Newspapers would pile up for weeks...they had to be bundled up just so before they could be set out for recycle. BUT, she couldn't do that until she had a chance to go though them and make sure she either had gotten all the coupons out (for some grown grandkids who didn't really want them) OR worse yet, she hadn't read the entire paper! This logic and OCD/perfectionist way of conducting her life, literally invaded every aspect...to having bottles balanced upside down in the bathroom to get the last little drop, to having specific towels for drying dishes, to drying hands to clothes used for cleaning up...all had to be laundered separately, had to be folded a specific way (to fit in her drawers) and stored in certain drawers. So now this brings us to the present time. She's completely overwhelmed with EVERYTHING and is suffering from grief, depression, loneliness, a myriad of illness, aches, pains (real and imagined) and complete fear of being alone. BUT she will accept NO advice from anyone ("I don't need anyone telling me what to do, or how to do it."). She will accept no help yet she had no problem calling someone at 7;30 at night when her TV befuddles her, or needs to go to the hospital (most of the time for her anxiety attack over some pain). "I don't want to be a burden". Her house is out of control, junk in every room (excepting her living room and dining room except now they still have her Christmas tree up and all the boxes which she won't let anyone touch lest, God forbid, someone put an ornament in the wrong box. Anyway, there's no way of getting her to toss anything out. She has piles and piles of mail (most of which is junk mail that she writes the dates on that it arrived) and won't trust anyone to go through it ("I don't need you throwing my stuff out. How do you know what I do or do not need to read?") Now, NONE of this would bother me in the least...it's her life, her house, her mess, her decision to live HER life the way she chooses. BUT she's miserable, sad and will not let anyone come in the house. And I get to hear about it everyday. I pray a lot. Please don't suggest getting someone in...she WILL NOT let strangers in her house (even turned hospice and palative care away when Daddy needed it.) Please don't suggest getting her deemed incompetent...she's somewhat forgetful, but still drives, can discuss politics and all the issues with you, knows current events...etc....so there's no way. Besides that she has flatly declared if any of us try to "pull anything like that" she'll hate us to her dying day. There are no answers. All I know is that it's made me aware and I will not do this to my kids. I have become crazy about cleaning out closets, drawers, purging and scaling down to what we really need and want. So I guess at least I'm learning some lessons to apply to my life. And by the way, some of the people hear who have said it's there prerogative to NOT downsize and plan on leaving that to their kids...I think that's disrespectful of their children. Just because one did their parental responsibility and spent years of their life dedicated to raising children, does not mean it's okay to leave a friggin' mess for your kids. Are you trying to pay them back for something? I have great relationships with my four kids and want them to be as free as possible from having my stuff take time away from their lives and their kids. So sorry for the length of this.

Oh my gosh, my parents get a lot of mail... having all the mail from their old house and all the mail from their post office box forwarded to my house. I might need to install at larger mailbox !!

Change of address now it seems all the places want you to do it on-line. Ok, no big deal.... well it becomes a test of patience big time. Since my parents never opened accounts on-line I had to do it from scratch. I have one ID that I use for the accounts but then there are accounts that want you to do something different.... [sigh].

Then comes the passwords.... some want 6 letters and one number... another wants 8 letters with one capitalized and to throw in a number or two.... today one wanted a letter at the beginning and a letter at the end, plus capitalizing, and three numbers.... and now I am seeing accounts that want passwords that include the stuff you find on the top row of your keyboard [can't type them here, as I found out the hard way it caused my whole post to be deleted once I hit the "post comment".

And I don't want to get into the array of security questions, good heavens. I had to write down all the ID's, passwords, and security answers down in a book as there is no way to remember all this stuff. Anyway, I think I am finally done, it only took a month of Sundays....

Until Monday when I get yet another forwarded envelope with a yellow sticker :P

If my folks would have moved years ago, back when Dad was computer savvy [he use to write code] he could have done all of this. My patience was wearing thin on those on-line accounts that kept flashing back that something wasn't correct.

wow Golden, that sounds like all the stuff I had to keep doing again and again. Two trunks and more of slides I went through, and 15 pounds of silverware to divy up- had saved even my brothers 60yo circumcision paper= everything from all four children! AND everything from countless dead relatives- Nuts.
I have downsized myself to a studio apartment- it forces me not to buy.

sorry about the garbled text in a few places - I have a bit of flu.

This is so pertinent to my life. Mother left her spacious apartment to come west to a more spacious apartment, and brought all her furniture. Then she added many pieces. Her place was always clean and well organized but she had about as much furniture in there is a furniture show room. Then she moved to an ALF bachelor unit taking little with her and I was left to dispose of the rest. Too much of it come home with me - some I still have. Looking back I should have taken only the few pieces I wanted and given the rest away to the thrift shop.

Then she moved again into a 2 bedroom unit again and fully furnished it. So few years later when she it ended up that she needed more care and had to be moved again, and again, all of that went into storage as we were not sure right away how much she would need. I got sick a few times from the stress of it all so which meant not much of what we have here was dealt with.

Fast forward there I was with all the family silver which no one here wants, glass wear, china, linens and an assortment of chairs and an old oak dining set and coffee tables and other thing and lots of papers. old mail and photos.

About a year ago I started sending the silver and some other mementoes overseas as a nephew wants it, packing up the china plus some of mine to go to the storage room, sending the odd piece to people who want them.

I scored today. I found a Scandinavian society in another city which has a museum who are delighted to have her hand made embroidered ski suit and similar articles that hark back a lot of years. I did not feel good about trashing them.

I started going through papers recently and burned most of it. I have a trunk full of slides - they are going to be trashed. No one wants them

This whole process has been going on for 6 1/2 years and it stresses and exhausts me. In the meanwhile mother is gaining weight from the drugs so I have a couple if wardrobes worth to get rid if - I had to buy her new clothing in January having just outfitted her with larger clothing in the summer.

I am 78 and I am need to and am working on downsizing my own things but it is hard to make much progress when I have so much of mother's to deal with.

I guess this tuned into a rant! I feel better now. lol!

Get rid if IT whatever IT is sooner rather than later!

ArmyRetired, what I said to my parents when they were dragging their feet on legal matters was "well, then the State will get everything".... that usually was an eye opener for them.

It sounds like they either think they are going to live forever or feel like after they're gone, it's not their problem. Do you know if they have made wills that at least leave all their belongings to each other? Back in the old days, often the deed to the house was in the man's name. That could cause some problems if there was no will and there was a line of heirs in this blended family.

I have been trying to convince my 90 year old father and 82 year old stepmother for years to move to a more senior friendly environment. Nor will either one of them get their financial affairs in order. They will end up dying in that monstrous 140 year old house and leave it up to the 6 siblings/step siblings to handle it. No trusts, wills or POAs'. No life insurance or pre-burial plans. Not sure about checking or savings accounts. House and property worth about $500,000. Neither one will discuss their finances. My sister and I are the only ones living close by, the others live out of state. My sister does not have reliable transportation and I have already done executive duties for my mother's estate two years ago. My mother have all her affairs in order and made it easy for me except dealing with probate, it was a nightmare. So in my case it is better said than done.

Oh, no, ff. I see a potential problem brewing. One thing that added significantly to the clutter of this house was keeping things from Granddaddy's old houses. There were huge antiques that my father wanted to keep. Now we have these monstrous pieces of furniture that have zero market value. They are some of the things that make the house almost impossible to clean.

A good rule of thumb is that if you've managed to live without something your entire life, you can continue to live without it when you clear your parents' estates. If you see that big antique table or that big antique hutch and that big antique desk, think estate sale. If you see those smaller things, seriously think about what you could do with them... who you would leave them to. Otherwise you are just recreating the problem you are facing now.

Good heavens, yesterday I found what I assume are my baby blankets and what looks like a Chenille bedspread the size of what would have been used in a crib.... ah how cute, didn't know bedspreads were made for cribs, but this was from the 1940's. Will have to use my imagination to see how to incorporate these items into my household.

vstefans, I read Don't Toss My Memories in the Trash a week or two ago. As someone who worked in publishing for many years, I couldn't help but take issue with the typography, but the book did contain some helpful advice. I've also been reading/rereading a couple of Regina Leeds's organizing books. Guess I've taken the advice to heart, because I've been sorting through old files and other items for several weeks and have managed to toss/shred lots of no-longer-necessary paper. I also have bagged up books and other items for donation. In fact, today is the day we've scheduled to drop off all the donations. By the way, I'm in my sixties and my husband and I don't plan on moving anytime soon. We just want to lay the groundwork to make any future move easier.

I used the closet in our "spare room" to hold our square dance costumes. It was crammed to bursting. When I remodeled that room into my office I wondered what on earth to do with this stuff. Lot's of fond dancing memories, conventions, camp-outs. Lots and lots of sewing. I'd carried all this stuff from our previous house, but it hadn't been used in years.

I was totally ready to part with it. That season of my life was over. I knew if I ever took up square dancing again it would be with a different style of costume. It took a few tries but I found an organization thrilled to take it all and put it up for sale for their new graduating class. It made me feel good that at least some of it would give pleasure to other people.

Now a logical person would have said, "Don't move this whole closetful of clothes you haven't worn in years. Get rid of it now." But I wasn't ready "now." I had to make peace with that season ending. When I was ready I did it tearfully and joyfully.

Logic isn't the only factor at work here.

I have a large (6' tall x 4' wide) cupboard downstairs filled with wine and drink glasses in various sizes and platter after plate after serving tray. Most items haven't been used in years. Logic tells me to donate them. But that would be admitting that the entertaining season of my life is over. I am simply not ready to let go of that yet. Maybe I'll have a big open house with all the glasses out, and tell guests to please take home the glass they are drinking from, as a memento of parties at my house! :)

When it is just "stuff" it is easy to get rid of. When it represents a season in your life you aren't ready to acknowledge is over, it is very painful to get rid of. I hope that by the time you are urging your parents to deal with stuff, it is truly stuff to them.

JessieBelle, people who are buying to hold also don't want book club editions.

OMG my aunt took her console TV, took the old TV parts out and has her smallish flat screen in it! Nice piece of furniture, and she didn;t want a TV on the wall! We were going to donate my old jetta to the ALZ assoc., but one of my cousins needs a car so he and his wife are getting it. They do so much for my aunt and mom,,they can fix it up and use it.

Console TV? Bet today's youth would say "what's that"? And my parents also have a cedar wardrobe cabinet. I just hope whomever buys it can make the turn on the stairs while carrying it out of the house !! Also hope someone buys the console record player / 8 track tape deck, it's a nice piece of furniture, I will even throw in all the 8 track records :)

BRAVO, tomorrow my parent's car, which felt like I was driving the Queen Mary down the highway, is being towed away.... it's going to charity.... how I hated that car, I would get car sick just backing it out of the garage. Surprisingly my Dad was glad that car is going, today he quickly signed the Title over to the charity.... whew.

There is a great little book called "Don't Toss My Memories in the Trash" that is encouraging reading for those of us on either side of this situation.
thefamilycuratordont-toss-my-memories-in-the-trash-book-review.

OTOH, you do have to toss the trash in the trash, and thank God for recycling bins. I helped clean two really filthy hoarded homes and also my moms which was chock full of stuff but only a little mildew, no rats or cockroaches; but I got an estate company for that - I stashed some cheap memorabilia that I didn't think was worth much except to me in one closet, ended up scrounging a few "memories" from the leftovers that they had bagged up to trash despite my express request not to, and donated and recycled and donated and recycled the rest. It turned out that NOTHING was really worth all that much and I could have should have taken anything I'd really wanted. I ended up actually buying similar items to a few I let go but felt obligated to leave for sale or could not fit in my car, like a cedar wardrobe and a console tv.

Forgot to say -- Windy, foxing is the brown specks that get all over the pages of old books not held under controlled conditions. This is most books. It is caused by temperature, humidity, and the chemistry of the book. Foxing is okay if someone is buying a book to read, but people who are buying to hold don't want foxing.

It is one good thing about a house being sold often. Each seller will maintain and improve the house, so it doesn't get so out of shape. My parents have owned their house for 68 years and it went years without maintenance. I don't look forward to handling things if she dies.

With my parents it wasn't just the stuff (they were really pretty good about that but it still adds up) but the house itself. They lived in a big brick farmhouse and my dad refused to do more than the minimum to keep it habitable. Why put in new windows or insulate, he often said it would all last as long as he did and you could buy a heck of a lot of propane for the money you would spend on upgrades. Well, in a way he was right, he died at are 75 and the house lasted as long as he did, but my mother continued to live there until she was over 90 and we were paying dang near $4K to heat the drafty "old barn".

So what the hell is foxing?

:-D

NYD, I have no idea what ricing is. I meant foxing. Don't ask me where the ricing came from. I don't think I was thinking of rice at the moment.

Some public libraries accept book donations.

What is "ricing?"

Make a quick list of genres and quantity. Some elementary school libraries will accept book donations. If you have a vocational high school nearby you might be able to donate all those engineering books. The Bible commentaries may be of interest to the library of a parochial school. Many independent living and assisted living communities have a reading room and may be interested in popular books like mysteries, histories, science fiction, etc.

Aluminum or any metal, cardboard, plastics -- no problem, recycle container and recycle center. Nice clothes -- local mission. Worn out clothes and trash -- garbage bag. Biggest problem -- books, books, books, and all those other things that are too nice to throw away, but no one wants. They are so hard to dispose of. Biggest problem -- woman getting upset and screaming at me to just leave things alone.

I appreciate electronic books so much now. I have three solid walls plus four bookcases of books to make decisions about. They have ricing, so are not collectible. Why oh why did my mother ever join that book club? There were libraries that she could have visited. And did Dad really need all those sets of Bible commentaries and engineering books? I feel terrible throwing out these old references, but I don't know what to do with them when it comes time.

Maybe I can make an ad for Kindle, standing amongst all the books I'm trying to clean out when it comes time. "Don't do this to your children."

I opened up a little hall closet a while back and it was full, floor to ceiling, of stuff but mostly hundreds of slender, green plastic bags. Huh? Asked Mom. Oh, those are the slips the newspaper comes in. I was saving them to give back to the delivery guy so he could use them again. It would be such a waste to throw them all away. Bless her heart.......

LOL - brings back memories! My sister & I drove from Maine to TN 2-3 times a year for 3 years before we got the house cleaned out (and moved my parents to independent living). I think one time we counted 22 trips to the city dump (with 8-10 bags each trip) and at least 8 trips to the thrift store to donate. They took only what they needed or wanted to use for their new place and things like their 20 year old mattress got tossed out. We bought them a new little couch and bed and linens for kitchen & bathroom. We were also finally able to use & enjoy the many embroidered pictures my Mom had made over her lifetime by having them framed and hung in their new, pretty apartment.

My folks were kids/young adults during the depression and WWII. My two favorites were the 40 years worth of aluminum pie pans crammed in one kitchen cabinet and the 7 feet of cardboard boxes stored in the attic (they'd get a box in the mail & throw the empty box in the attic in case they needed it later.

So yeah - I second the emotion - start the cleaning early if you're able to get your folks to do it!

I begged my parents to downsize from the mansion they are in but my dad told me he'd died there first. Well, this year has started out very rough for my mom health wise, and now the wiring/electrical is failing. It's been getting there for some time but now the power will go out when the circuits get overloaded. Wash clothes and boom power goes out.

Yesterday I had a long time with him and just bluntly told him here's the deal straight up. Hey, you don't want to die in a fire here, right? No I don't he said. To my shock, he agreed it's time to move. Hub and I had already tour a facility 10 minutes away from us that she likes, but didn't want to go by herself. Now that he's on board it will make this easier. We're going back this weekend so he can see it. You all say so often it takes a crisis to force a needed change and you are all right! After they leave, then we'll start the cleanup of the 14 room house, and the hundreds of things that will need to be addressed, nice.....

I have a recurring fantasy of what I'm going to do with the house if and when my mother dies. I see this big bulldozer leveling it in one huge sweep, carting the rubble off to the landfill where old houses rest in peace. The old, cluttered, poorly maintained house has tortured me for years. I cleaned it and repaired it so much, but it has been working with huge resistance and anger. It has also cost me money, since I was the only one who thought something was important enough to do.

I guess that the worst trick I could play on my brothers is dying before my mother does. Then they would have to deal with the albatross sitting on this lot.

Anyone who is not considering downsizing should consider that there will usually be one child who will be strapped with the task. That child will be a senior citizen most likely who is thinking just like we're thinking now. It may take months or a year of that child's life to deal with cleaning up the things that we just can't let go of. People with apartments or small places -- no problem. People with cluttered old houses -- big problem. Big cluttered houses are awful. They get dirty, with all kind of nastiness. I don't know how people live like this.

I have another vision of the demolition of this house. Evil spirits of hoarding coming up out of the ground, screaming "Where will we live now?"

J Gibbs, true. I'm just spreading it out. My parents will never get rid of anything on there own. So the sneaky plan works for me. And you love all your stuff and it's no body's business etc. Well, your not a batty old lady quite yet but you will be. I can can just hear your kids bitching about you and all your stuff on this forum in a few years. But of course by then I probably will have forgotten how to get on line..........