How to deal with being the trigger.

I think I may be the trigger for my mom to.. she does not get excited when I come like she does with other people (my husband, my kids, my grandma, her brother, her cousins and mainly my brother) she only calls out for my brother all the time and never wants me to do anything for her. It is very sad and frustrating and even as her dementia progressed she told me she “hated me and had a lot of anger towards me” … prayers to you during this difficult time.

Thanks everyone, you all make so much sense. I just wish that it didn't have to be this way.

Definitely see her without her seeing you. Many have done the peeking around the corner visits, checking in with the staff, seeing if there are needs and then leaving. It lets the staff know she’s a resident who’s cared for and avoids the behaviors upsetting to you both

I was definitely the trigger for my MIL, long before she really had any signs of dementia.

I simply stopped visiting her or being anywhere she was.

Sadly, 'sedating her' actually made it worse. Then her 'filter' was completely gone and the couple of times I saw her like that, it was worse.

I think the idea of sneaky-pete visits to check on your LO is probably best.

"Visit" your mother w/o her knowledge. Stand far away from where she's sitting so you can lay eyes on her and see for yourself she's alright, clean, looking ok, etc. Dementia causes some people to treat their loved ones with horrible behavior, my mother included, so it's best if we stay away or keep the visits to a minimum. Call for wellness checks in between.

How awful for you.

I think I would call for regular updates from staff where I could.

When visiting to check supplies/clothing needs, pre-arrange staff to take her to the day room or other activity.

I sincerely hope this can improve.

I trigger my mother. She has always taken her emotions out on me but dementia made it worse. She has misidentified me on and off for about 4 years, even when she made her way into my house. She’d tell me how great her daughter was, until she realized I was her daughter, then she’d rage at me.

When my cousins visit she’s delightful and charming. All her venom is reserved for me.

The home will slightly sedate her prior to my visits such that I can check on her and her supplies. But I have reduced my visits from weekly to monthly and leave quickly if she recognizes me and lashes out. The staff knows to just tell her she has a visitor, and not identify me.

Hallucinations are often brought on by anxiety.
For some reason your visits are instilling either anxiety or excitement that is having the same effect.
My brother's hallucinations from Lewy's dementia were so very improved when he entered his ALF where he had all his care needs met, his meals, me to pay his bills and handle finances and give him his monthly finance sheet to clip into his notebook. He just improved markedly and I was told this isn't unusual.

If your visits are having the opposite effect I would try to figure out, to the best of your ability, exactly why that is so. I can't have a clue. But wish you the very best of luck.

I would take a break. You can always check in with the staff to see how your mom is doing.

Who knows what is going on but if you are seeing a pattern here, you’re probably right about your thoughts.

I have a friend who placed her sister with dementia in a very upscale and caring Memory Care facility. The sister feels betrayed and starts ranting and shouting every time my friend visits.

Other family members visit with no issues. My friend has decided staying away is the best option for now

If you seem to be the "trigger" then by all means keep your visits to a minimum, as in once week, or every other week. And if you notice her getting upset when you arrive, then leave immediately, so not to further upset her.
Hopefully in time this too will pass as most things do with dementia.