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I have been taking care of my grandmother for 12 years with my mother before my mother passed away in 2009, and then now for 7 years with my sister. I feel like I don't have a break so I can have a life. How did it get to where people are saying things about how what I am doing is a good thing, when in fact they have no f**king idea what I deal with. They have no idea that I deal with a toxic and abusive person and yet they're free to come and go as they please, going on vacations and dates without so much as thinking about anyone else. I have not had a vacation since 2004 and yet anything I do to give myself some peace of mind is frowned upon. Since when did my happiness mean so little?

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"...people are saying things about how what I am doing is a good thing..." I hear this all the time and I get sick of it. To me, when they say something like this, I feel it's a backhanded compliment because in their minds they would never - ever - consider becoming a caregiver. You just have to tune them out or else it will drive you crazy. The reality is many of them don't want to think about what to do when the time comes that their aging loved ones need help.
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I know the feeling, I take care of my dad in my home and it is not easy. Finding a place for my dad is out of the question as he does not qualify for any government assistance. All I can say is, if at all possible, find a friend, neighbor, or put an ad on craigslist and find someone who can come over once a week, or month for a few hrs and give you a break. Go for a walk, have lunch, do your grocery shopping, whatever, just get away for a bit. I wish you the best, know you are not alone.
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I can relate. I have three brothers who washed their hands of the situations. In fact, one just said "deal with it" when I asked for them to take my mother for a little while or to help me talk to her about assisted living. They don't care, they have their own lives and somehow can live with not helping in any shape or form.

With that said, you need to get some time of your own. Either through respite care or a permanent placement in a facility for your grandmother.

Do you want to keep her with you or is there a choice for you?
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If your grandmother's care is more than you can handle (and it certainly sounds as though her needs outweigh the ability of one person to handle), have you looked into placing her in a care center?
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