How important is it to you personally, to have loved ones nearby when you are dying? Would you feel unloved by others if they weren’t there?

Rovana,

I totally agree. We are a Catholic family. My husband and I are practicing Catholics. I contacted our parish priest and he went to see mom in her hospice house.

Mom was very glad to see the priest. He prayed with her. The sacraments were important to her. She died with her rosary in her hand.

My brothers no longer practice the Catholic faith, and mom respected that, as do I.

Mom was more comfortable speaking about her faith with me. She knew that I would make arrangements for reconciliation, communion and a Catholic burial. I did for her what she did for her parents.

I even had some of the same nuns in school that taught her. I loved hearing about her as a young girl in school.

I agree with the doctor who spoke to you about the dying process. I feel that they are ‘done’ too. They leave their earthly bodies. I would think that if someone wanted their hand held that they would feel their touch, even if they were unconscious like my mom had been before she died.

I know that some people come back after near death experiences and tell others about everything that happened.

I agree with you. Being Catholic I would definitely want to receive the sacraments of Reconciliation and the Eucharist. But I would not want anyone to be there who did not want to be. A doctor friend told me that dying people may not even want a lot of people around. They finish their earthly business with each person and then they are done. But it would be comforting to have someone hold my hand.

cwille,

Awwwww….that was so sweet of you to hold their hands. I am sure that your family appreciated your touch during their time of leaving this earth. Some people are scared. Others are at peace. There is no right or wrong way to feel.

I specifically asked my brother’s social worker if he was afraid of dying. I was concerned about him being afraid. We never know what a person is truly feeling unless they share their emotions with us.

The social worker said that my brother was fiercely independent, which he was and that as much as he loved us, he didn’t ‘need’ us to be there at the exact moment of his death. She went on to say that her grandmother was terrified to die and she stayed with her until the very end.

My mom had visions of a child before her death. She said that she was was about five years old and promised her that she would be with her until the end. She told mom not to fear anything. Mom felt comforted by her presence. Some people would say that she was an angel. Others would say that she was hallucinating. The hospice caregivers said that many patients had visions before dying.

I'll never forget my brother telling me he was scared and asking me to hold his hand when he found out he was terminal and that definitely influenced my decision to sit with my mom and hold her hand as she was dying. I knew she was scared too because she fought so danged hard, and I figured the least I could do was let her know she wasn't alone.

Absolutely agree, JoAnn

I agree with your entire post. Unless it’s a sudden death like an accident, I feel people know that they are actively dying. My mom and brother knew that they wouldn’t be walking out of their hospice house.

I had animals hide too. It was so odd with my last dog. He was a BIG dog, a greyhound! I loved him so much. He was getting old. He loved going to the dog park and as soon as he saw me getting his leash he would go to the door as if to say, “Okay, I am ready to go to the park!”

Poor guy was slowing down, hip problems and all and the vet told me that it was time to euthanize him. I knew that we would have to schedule euthanasia soon.

Well, the morning that we decided to bring him to the vets office, he saw us get his leash out, he didn’t go to the door. Somehow, he knew that he wasn’t going to the park.

He didn’t want to leave the house. It broke my heart. My husband who has had two shoulder surgeries had to pick up our 85 pound grey to put in his car. He calmed down at the vets, but you are right, JoAnn. They know that they are at the end of the their lives. People know too. I am convinced of this.

…..passed away (DIED) at home surrounded by his loving family…

I also wonder about that too.

Cats and dogs (and probably other mammals) hide when they are dying. My GFs dog went into the wooded area around their house and died. We found one of our cats in a cabinet that we have no idea how he got in there. We also are mammals. So, maybe that feeling wanting to be alone is integrated into us.

My Mom closed her eyes and refused to get out of bed. I think she was aware of things going on around her but I think she was ready to go. I cannot to vigils. Can't just sit and wait. Went to visit, said my goodbyes and left. They pronounced her 20 min later. But that is when they checked on her. She may have passed right after I left. So you could sit for hours, get up to go to the bathroom, come back and they are gone.

Daughter,

I truly appreciate honest postings, such as yours. I totally understand how you feel about this. I feel it is overrated too. I was with my brother until a second before he died. The hospice nurse called me as I was starting my car to leave and said that he died the second after I left his room. I feel that it was meant to be that way.

I was with mom a few hours before she died. I don’t feel like I loved my brother or my mom any less because I wasn’t there when they took their last breath. Honestly. I was sort of afraid to see them die.

Also, my mom and brother had lapsed into unconsciousness before they died. I feel the same as you, like they were already traveling into the afterlife. I have never experienced a near death experience so I don’t know first hand how it works. I feel that they are no longer in their physical bodies.

I feel exactly like you do. It doesn’t matter if you can’t or don’t wish to be there with your loved one at the time of death. I realize that it is important to some people and others it can be traumatic or frightening. I believe it would have been upsetting for me. I wouldn’t want that as my last memory. My brother and mom didn’t expect it. It’s a personal decision for everyone. No one should judge or criticize anyone else regarding their choice.

I admire nurses and doctors. I could never do their job, watching people die on a regular basis.

I think the whole “not letting someone die alone” thing is completely overrated. With both my parents it was very clear that they were gone hours, maybe a day, before that last breath. My mother went three solid weeks of no nutrition and no indication at all of knowing anyone was there. My dad last noticed us the day before he died, I was there for that last breath and still feel some mix of being glad I was there and hating that I was there. The whole “hearing is the last to go” wasn’t evident with either of my parents, maybe it just can’t be noticed. But more importantly it was impossible for me to speak any words at all in those last moments, I couldn’t get anything out, it was traumatic. My parents knew my care and love and I theirs. I’ve told my adult children not to fret over any of it when it’s my time, be there or not, and bury me as simply as possible.

Layne,

My mom recently died in a hospice house at age 95. She had Parkinson’s disease and slight dementia.

My older brother went to the hospice house everyday, for just about all day. My younger brother went once or twice a week but towards the end of mom’s life, he didn’t seem to be able to cope with seeing mom withering away.

I went just about everyday but did not stay the entire day. I was always close to my parents, so I never felt like I had neglected mom in any way.

I told my older brother that our younger brother couldn’t handle seeing mom dying. My older brother was deeply concerned that my younger brother would regret not being there because his friend told him that he regrets not being there at the end when his mom died.

I insisted that our younger brother wouldn’t have regrets about not being there because he wasn’t upset about not being there at the end for our dad or our oldest brother when he died. Everyone feels differently about these things. It’s very personal.

So, one day I was speaking to mom’s caregiver. I asked her if she felt that mom needed us there 24/7 and she clearly said to me that my mom told her in conversations that they shared that she didn’t want us to put everything on hold for her. She was glad when we were there but she wouldn’t want us to be there if we weren’t able to.

My older brother was there because he hardly ever left her side. I am glad that he was because it was very important to him. My younger brother was not there. I wasn’t there. I had been there a few hours earlier. I can tell you that I do not have regrets about not being there. Nor does my younger brother.

I don’t think everyone is afraid to be alone when they die. Even if they are, I was told that a staff member would stay there with her. Maybe you can ask this question at your mom’s assisted living facility. See what they say, if this is weighing on your mind. You can also speak to clergy about visiting her and ask a social worker to visit. Your mom may not expect you to be there.

I do not expect others to be with me. I want people to do what they are comfortable with.

Best wishes to you and your mom. Take care.

Thanks for asking this. Personally, I would prefer to die alone. More than anything in this world I hate people hovering over me. Ick!
I am struggling with this though when it comes to my 93 year old Mom. She is in an assisted living facility near my house. She has several terminal conditions, but she is amazingly tough and usually bounces back. Recently I canceled several things I had planned for this summer because she had an internal bleed and I was concerned she wouldn’t live long. But now she is doing quite well. I think she’s the type person who would want me there at the end, and I’ll do that for her if I can. But here’s the thing. I wouldn’t be surprised to get a call any day now that she’s died in her sleep, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see her make it 5 more years. If I take trips or have an elective surgery, I may not be able to get to her in time. Any suggestions?

MJ,

“If they want the money,” 🤣 You don’t mince words! I like that! 😊

Because I saw both by dad and grandfather die, I know I likely won't know if anyone is there or not. I don't have any particular need to have family with me, although I'd like to see my kids make the effort to show up if they want the money. ;-)

cwille,

I feel as you do. I think that the dying have some control over when they die. We hear accounts of incidents too many times to be coincidental.

NGE,

Death isn’t ever like it’s shown in the movies.

I agree, I too would rather avoid someone else grief if it is painful for them to be present at my death. Yes! People on the other side are waiting for us.

I don’t even want a wake! I do not want people staring at my corpse. I want to be cremated, with no viewing before hand.

I do believe that people have some capacity to choose the time of their death; we've all heard the stories of someone who hangs on until the missing loved one is able to arrive and just as often we hear from the people who sit vigil for days only to have the person pop off when they go for a bathroom break. That's why I felt comfortable going home to my own bed when my mom was dying, I figured if she wanted me there she would wait for my return (and she did).

Well, I think that death-bed vigils aren't all they're romanticized to be, especially thanks to our friends in Hollywood.

I'm sure I've posted this before, so if you've already read it, I apologize for repeating the story, but...
when 2nd sister came to see mom the last time - after a phone call telling her the end was imminent, and if she wanted to say her good-byes she'd better hurry her butt over, she and moron-husband (who clearly would have rather been having root canal with no anesthesia rather than support his wife while her mom was dying) deigned to grace us with their presence and come to say their goodbyes. Her husband made the following comment to my husband in regards to mom: "I had no idea she'd look that bad - I thought she'd at least be awake and talking!" To which my husband replied "What part of 'she's dying' did you NOT understand?". She and her husband both really had this movie-idea of the beautiful, tragic, dying person who's make-up is done a little paler than normal, sitting up in bed with slightly mussed hair saying these last, deep meaningful things to their loving family as they all wait for the end.

Real death doesn't happen like that. Even with a "peaceful" death. Some very horrific, un-dignified things happened to my mom in the hour before she passed, and I'm not talking about the body letting loose feces/urine in the end. I knew about that. The other things that happened - the things that only I saw, because I was alone with her at the time - those memories still swirl around in my brain, and believe me when I say, in light of what I did for a living, I am very familiar with death, especially violent death. But I am grateful that I was alone, because the only other person who I think could have handled what happened with me was my husband. Not my sisters or their husbands, and certainly not my niece, nephew or my children! I haven't even told them what I saw, because what would be the point? I am happy they were spared that scene.

So, if when my end comes, my family isn't there, I think if I'm cognizant enough, I will be feeling relief rather than dismay. If I can spare the people I love those last few horrific details, then so much the better. I know there are people who love me waiting on the other side to bring me to "home", so in that sense I won't be alone.

I absolutely agree with everything that each of you who posted. When my mom was dying, my younger brother just couldn’t handle seeing mom withering away at the very end. My older brother kept telling him to go by saying, “You will deeply regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t go to be with mom.” I don’t think people should lay guilt trips on people about this situation. Everyone handles their emotions differently regarding death.

I told my older brother to leave my younger brother alone and allow him to do what is best for him. Both of my brothers have heart disease. Both have had heart attacks. My oldest brother has very serious heart issues and is in the hospital as I am typing this. He died during one of his heart surgeries. They brought him back. He had no NDE. In fact, he has no memories of it at all. No profound changes in his personality. He is very opinionated on how things should be done. I wish that he could get a grip on stress. He had a hard time adjusting to retirement. He was so used to being in command in a high stress job. I feel that he doesn’t know how to turn off the stress.

My mom didn’t expect us to be at her bedside around the clock. The hospice nurses and caregivers tried to tell him that he was neglecting his own needs and that is the last thing that mom wanted. He ignored them. I don’t know if he had extreme guilt due to not being close to her when he was younger or what. Mom knew that he was busy with work and didn’t expect him to constantly be there. He used to work very long hours at his job.

I had mom for 15 years in my home. He had her for a year and a half in his home. I wish he could’ve accepted that mom was cared for very, very well in the hospice house, so he did not have to be there for the majority of the day and night. The only time that he left was when I arrived, because I told him to go home and rest. He did show appreciation to the hospice staff and we gave a donation to the organization. Their major fundraiser was canceled due to Covid.

I know that it won’t be important to me to have my family be with me all day and night when I am dying.

As a nurse lifelong I can assure you, when one is actively dying they are busy with their own trip, and often the loved ones around a more a burden than anything else. This isn't always the case. If family is able to accept that death is near, and to sit quietly and gently at the side, that is fine. But the negating of the situation is a great distress to those who are actively dying. The old expression of "He turned his face to the wall" often used even in medieval times is there for a reason. The dying wish to disengage from our world. They are moving into another world, and they are almost always ready and willing to do that at the end stage. Families can be a great joy or a great burden. Allow for humor. Allow for quiet. Don't negate what the person says. Be quietly there, or please, consider not being there at all.

My dear father used to say, "You come into this world alone & you die alone." Which is true, when you stop to think about it. You can be surrounded by 100 people, but death is a solitary experience.

"Being there" for someone's passing is more for the person who's living than it is for the one who's dying b/c the one who's dying isn't even 'there' anymore, but already on the other side, in most cases, watching what's going on in the room! By the time my father was actually in the active dying phase, he wasn't coherent at all.........I'm sure he had no idea WHO was in the room with him or who wasn't!

Spend time with the person while s/he is alive, THAT is the main thing in my opinion. Pay your respects once they pass, of course, be there if you can, don't sweat it if you can't or don't want to be, and that's that. Till we meet again should be the parting message, as I believe we'll be reunited once again when it's our turn to depart the earth.

Makes no difference to me at, but since I’ve never died (to my knowledge anyway), there IS that 50/50 possibility that I’ll be proven wrong in my thinking.

”…..passed away (DIED) at home surrounded by his loving family…..” has become such a cliche in my local newspapers that sometimes you get the idea that someone’s making a video of it.

My father, the dearest person in my life, dropped dead in his garden while planting his asparagus, and wasn’t found until he’d already gone. Would it have been different for me, OR FOR HIM, if he’d lingered until I’d gotten there? I certainly don’t see how.

Then there was the social worker in training whose unveiled contempt towards me because I decided not to wait with my mother to die after a protracted siege of dementia and excruciating anxiety lingers as the only blot on losing Mom after a long self managed life.

Nope. A personal decision made for AND BY those who continue walking through life. No “crowds around the bed” for ME, please!

Some people wish to die alone. My brother died the second that I left his room. I don’t know if I would want my family seeing me die. It’s a very personal decision for everyone, for the patient and the family members.

My mom was extremely close to her mother and I hated that the one time that she chose to go to lunch with friends, grandma died unexpectedly. My dad was with grandma. I hated seeing mom feel guilty. I told her that she wasn’t meant to be there. I truly don’t feel like it was a coincidence. We hear of incidents like that too often for it to be a coincidence. I understand this and know that it is very important for some people to be there if possible at the end.

Mom wasn’t with daddy either at the time of his death. Her sister though died in her arms as she was propping up her pillow. Mom never forgot that. It broke her heart. She and my aunt were very close. My aunt was a young widow and mom was always there for her. I do feel that mom found comfort in being there for her sister.