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They tell you what an awful person you are and how they cannot wait to leave. As you know my FIL moved in july 1 st. He had a skating accident in 2006 and he basically died, but he lived with short term memory loss. The thing is is that he had a complete positive personality change. He was a controlling jerk before but he turned into this appreciative man. I was just trying to be nice and talk to him and my husband said it’s my own fault talking to him in the first place. We have stopped living our lives between going to my moms every day my husband has off and taking care of him. Any advice? The majority of you know my story. I feel so alone sometimes. My husband is amazing and doing more than he should. Especially for my mom. thank you

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thank you for your support and suggestions. . i think the hardest thing was he turned back into the arrogant a??? he was before his accident that caused the brain damage.
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Most parents have experienced an over-tired toddler screaming, "I hate you! I'm going to run away! You are a potty head and I wish you weren't my mommy/daddy." Usually the parent isn't too traumatized by this. They know this is the product of a very immature mind that hasn't learned to articulate their frustration.

In many ways a person who has dementia is like this. Their brain is deteriorating and they can't articulate their frustration -- which probably doesn't really have anything to do with their caregiver. I know it is extremely hard to hear a person you are making sacrifices for sound so totally ungrateful. Been there, experienced that, wore the t-shirt out. But it might help at least a little to visualize this person as an over-tired toddler. That is the state his brain is in.

Personally, I think you should continue to try to be nice to this man who didn't ask for his brain problems. But I also agree with your husband that you have the right to protect yourself from verbal abuse. Can you say, "I see you are upset now. I'll come back and talk to you later" and then leave the room?

It is wonderful that you have an amazing husband. You MUST protect that relationship. Take time for the two of you. How about stopping for coffee and pie on your way home from Mom's? It's not a two-week cruise, but you must take advantage of opportunities to be alone together when you can work them in.
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Answer to your question: work out what you have to do, and walk away from the rest. Live your own life so far as you can, guilt free!
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It isn't easy.  I gave up a job in a large city and moved to a small town (population 8,000) so that my Mom could live in a community that she felt comfortable in.  Due to health issues and the limited job opportunities, I haven't worked since I moved in with Mom in 2008.

You state: "i was just trying to be nice and talk to him and my husband said it’s my own fault talking to him in the first place.",  Did your FIL get upset with you when you were talking to him recently? 

Unfortunately it happens.  Mom got upset with me lots and lots of times (and I got upset with her at lot too), especially the last 3 years.  It was getting so that I didn't know if what I was talking about was going to upset Mom or not.  Sometimes Mom and I would have a GREAT and pleasant conversation, BUT when I said that I had to leave, or said "___________________?????", Mom would suddenly get upset and either cry or get angry at me.  You might never know "WHY" your FIL got upset with this time--and he might not get upset with you the next time. 

Try to let the incident just "roll off your back" (if possible).  Easy for me to say, HARD for me to do when Mom got upset with me.

Lots of HUGS {{{HUGS}}} and Prayers 🙏  to you.
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