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Mom depends on me to call her, visit her, chat with her everyday, take her to Dr appointments, outings together, getting her groceries and things she needs you name it I am there. My sister, on the other hand now living in another state that is an about 1 to 2 hrs away. Mom is aways worried about her, as if she was a little girl. She is 62 goes from man to man. Tells mom she loves her but does nothing to help with her care. Has borrowed hundreds of dollars from her and will never pay her back. I am not saying this for vengeance, it just is what it is. Mom was in the hospital lately with a UTI from straight cathing and was extremely in pain, my husband and I were there with her day and night. My sister calls her while I was there wanting us to take mom to another hospital about 3 hours away from our home town and saying things to mom " like it doesn't matter how far it it as long as you get the help you need."When someone is gone there gone." Mom, was getting great care in the hospital she was in. Due to percocet mom tells her they are not doing anything for her. She became very verbally aggressive towards everyone yelling because no one could fix her like she wanted to be. My husband had enough of her yelling at me because I have been by her side through think and thin. He told her he was tired of it and we where going home it was to a point I was shaking all over and my nerves was on edge. I stopped answering calls from her and went no contact, only text but minimal. I would call the hospital to find out how she was doing. They did all they could do to help her with antibiotics, 1 pint of Iron, B12 shot. She was weak after staying in bed for so long and couldn't go home because she didn't have the mobility she had when she came. So the hospital sent her to a nursing rehab to get her strength back. She has arthritis in her hips that it has caused her right hip to be displaced. She is in pain most all the time and is in a wheelchair. She leaves messages on my phone crying and asking me why I am not talking to her, that her heart is broken to pieces and she has lost a daughter and best friend. This makes me feel like it's my fault and I feel guilty, miserable and nerve wrecked. I have aways just taken what her and my sister ditch out and keep going no matter how much it hurts or I disagree. I can't feel happy because of her brokenness it makes me feel miserable. It also takes its toll on my marriage and family life. What is the best thing to do and how to handle such a stressful situation?

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You handle it by deciding what realistically you are willing to do here on out and by sticking by it NO MATTER WHAT.
There is no reason that you have to continue to be moms end all be all. And no reason that you have to talk to her every day. Decide what is doable and again, stick to it.
Moms groceries can be ordered and delivered to her, and she can call an Uber to take her to her doctors appointments. And you can limit your outings to just once a month.
You are NOT responsible for your moms happiness, but you are your own, so start setting those much needed boundaries and get on with living and enjoying this one life you've been given.
(7)
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By going to therapy if you cannot find an easier way to understand that you CANNOT and will NEVER be able to change anyone's else's happiness. Not EVER. You are responsible for your OWN happiness; THAT is somewhat within your own control. So start working on that. When you are entirely and completely happy you can tell everyone else out there the secret to it all.
(5)
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Butterfly, you deserve happiness, I came to this realization a while ago. I felt like you, my mother put all her energy onto me making me feel that she couldn't be happy unless I did and acted the way she wanted me to act my whole life, even went as far as, saying she was suicidal, if I didn't be the person she raised me to be.

I was groomed from a young age to be the person my mom raised, so I would be her everything in her aging years.

Bottom line, you can't possibly be someones everything. Your husband handle this great. I would read up on Codependency, and get some therapy.

You need better self care, and to learn , you matter. I know it may sound rude, to some, but my mom had her life, she had a great retirement with my dad, and mom was trying so hard to make sure I didn't have that.

Try really hard to not focus on mom, when you start to worry, try mindfulness, and keep practicing, to live in the here and now. There are a lot of different mindfulness techniques online.

🫂💕🫂
(9)
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You already have great answers .
I just want to add that your Mom is old .
You can’t fix that for her. Some old people are always unhappy . You can’t fix that either. You didn’t cause her problems , old age has , therefore no guilt .
(6)
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I hope you realize that from rehab she needs to go to LTC. I think she may need too much care for an AL or MC. If there is no money, its LTC with Medicaid paying. Get her evaluated for 24/7 care. Do not bring her home where you will need to be her 24/7 caregiver. If Sis does not like that decision then she can care for Mom.
(5)
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Some people will never be happy. The only person's happiness you are responsible is your own. Look at it this way....when you were a child, did she entertain you 24/7 and make sure you were happy all the time? My bet is no, so why do you feel you need to do that for her? You can't fix her, I doubt anyone can and that is not your fault. Learn to detach. Learn to set boundaries. As another poster said, decide what you are willing to do and do only that.
(8)
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Thank you all the have commented I can see a glimpse of light!
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As drivingdaisy said below, elders (over 90s!!) have lived their life. You cannot sacrifice an unknown number of your middle years to care for her, when there are other options. You will fix one problem and another one will appear. This is how it is for many elders. They just didn't think it would happen to them, though they must have seen it happen to countless others. They should have prepared, and we need to learn from their mistakes. Yes healthcare has improved drastically, but dementia (somewhat unavoidable) and obesity (somewhat avoidable) will still take millions out. My mother is 93.....there are two ways of seeing her situation. She wants pity and constant attention, but she has lived 27 years longer than my husband did. It's hard. But of course.......our times are not really in our hands, and we must accept the length of our lives with grace and thankfulness.....that also applies to a 93 year old!
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The cold hard truth is the only one responsible for happiness is you. Mom may be scared as she ages losing more of her independence and maybe those she leaned on are passing. She can live around other seniors. I know most folks can't afford retirement homes for aging parents, but most cities have done activities for seniors. She might be clutching you closer because she has anxiety about aging. All you can do is remind yourself you love her and are helping her but can't do everything for her.
(2)
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Oh my goodness, my thoughts are with you. I thought that I was alone until I found this forum. My mother relies on me constantly as well. She has anger issues, but it seems to be targeted at me. I feel guilty, too, because I want a life, and my "friend" wants us to get married after reconnecting. We are in our 60s, and he's older than I am, so we know our days won't be that long. My mother yells, curses, throws, and says no one gives a "D" about her. My fellow is concerned too, and is tired of my mother trying to control and run me like a "greyhound". My mother even tells me how she went to work sick and the sacrifices she made for me and my brother. I have children, and I would never make them feel obligated to me because I did my responsibility as a parent. Everything escalated when we decided that we wanted to get married.
(3)
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Sounds like you have caregivers' guilt. If you're religious, I suggest that you pray about it and maybe seek counseling. Learning how to set boundaries with her is very important right now or you'Il have no life to yourself. I had guilt too with my mom who had dementia before she passed 2 years ago. We eventually had to place her in a Community Senior Residential Care Home and she didn't want that. However, in my heart I knew that was best to keep her safe. In our case, her house was falling apart and some grandchildren were exploiting her financially, she wasn't taking her meds correctly, or bathing regularly. I look back now and there's a little regret that she couldn't stay in her home but I would have felt so guilty leaving her in that bad situation. When I found the Aging.com web site and read all the personal stories of others similar to mine, that also helped me a lot. Continue to do things for yourself and you and hubby should have date nights as well. I'd recommend exercising if you're able bc it helps with stress and maintaining you health. If funds are available you might want to consider a part time caregiver for her so you can have more of your own time.

Good Luck
(1)
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My Mom seems to prefer my siblings over me too, even though she is living with me and my husband and we do everything for her. I have been very resentful at times and also depressed about us giving up our lives for her. I agree with others about taking care of yourself first! Both you and your husband! Lately it’s helped me to think that we both are her “whipping boy” and that it’s sort of normal to blame those we live with for our own unhappiness. Also, I am starting to understand dementia more and see how she gets fixated on people, like my brother whose wife has cancer who lives far away. She can’t remember that she spoke to him earlier in the day and asks to call him. I was thinking wrongly about this and feeling hurt, like “doesn’t she see me and my husband here caring for her?” But now I realize that MY happiness is up to me. So I can let it go. She’s not able to understand anymore. I need breaks and exercise. I need to talk to others. Keep up the good work!
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