I'm mad at myself once again today, after an afternoon of shopping with my 80-year-old Mom (recently diagnosed and being treated for mild dementia). She was having a bad day herself, because she also suffers from aphasia (the inability to find the words you need to communicate) and was having a horrible time trying to explain to the saleslady what she was looking for. I usually take a step back, because I've been told that being supportive is better than taking over, which is my nature. I should probably also mention that I am not a shopper myself, I've never understood the need to try oodles of things on and compare every last detail of a garment before deciding on something. But my Mom has always loved shopping, so it's something we do often now at her request. After three hours of trying on dozens of items in several stores, I noticed that my Mom was simply unable to make a decision. This might be a new symptom of her dementia, or it might just be her nature - since I became her full-time caregiver, I have to keep reminding myself that I am dealing both with a person who is changing, and with a parent that I am getting to know all over again. Mom and I never shopped together before this! In any case, my impatience spilled over a few times, with my voice getting edgy (if it's not comfortable, Mom, just put it aside and try the next one!), which ended in her feeling rushed, which was not at all what I intended. I apologized immediately and said - Let's take all the time you need! But the damage was done and she insisted on going home at that point. I feel like a horrible person. And I know that these moments come and go, and that our love is unconditional, and that I can't be too hard on myself. I know all these things! I just wish that I could learn a way to be more compassionate and more patient.... any tips from other Type A caregivers??
I just think a lot of use don't give ourselves credit for what we DO do. A lot of us think others could do it better - and a lot of others say things which we take as them thinking they could do better - let them try - PLEASE LET THEM TRY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sometimes we need to step back and value ourselves for a moment. We are there, we do care that it is done to the very best WE can manage. It may not be pristine, it may not always be cordial but we are still there 24/7 doing our bit.
We do risk our health we do put our lives on hold for very little or no thanks and in many cases a lot of criticism and yet we still do it. We don't get paid or get paid very little for doing a job that saves the countries we live in billions and are not valued by them.
We have to value ourselves more - WE ARE WORTH IT
I used PERFECT as an acronym and very tongue in cheek said we are all perfect because we fit the acronym
When you said the only perfect carer was Jesus the point I meant to come across was that would only apply to Christians - Buddhists wouldn't agree for example. I didn't mean only Christian could be perfect and I didn't mean there were any perfect caregivers in the sense of doing nothing wrong ever. For as we all know those who never do any wrong usually do nothing at all
Present
Endeavours to stay sane
Reinforces the need to exercise
Fetches and carries the things LO can't
Establishes a routine that works for one person if not the other!!!! you know what I mean don't you
Cares about the emotional well being of LO despite other people's comments
Takes outsider's view to heart until you come on here and get the support you need.
We are all perfect!
I too loved my Dad greatly but if it was him I was caregiving for instead of Mom I fear he wouldn't have looked so wonderful in my eyes ...
I have a horrible feeling that I will grieve hard when Mum dies, not for the mother I lost but for losing the last tie to my father who I loved liked and adored
I am so sorry for your loss. I think that most of the people who are on here (myself included) are super frustrated with caring for elderly parents. I had zero issues when caring for my dying dad and wouldn't have posted anything "helpful". Not everyone is blessed with parents who loved them and whom they miss so much when they pass. You were, and for that, be grateful. We don't get to choose our parents, but we do have to deal with them--and it can be hard. I'm sorry you felt someone was saying something that "sickened" you. I'm glad you loved your own mom so much--and I'm sure it was reciprocated!
Same with my current situation, I try to see some positives and see the humor in our crazy situations.
I wish I had better advice but sometimes there are just bad days and we are allowed to have them, too.
My issue is patience and I do try to do everything for my wife. I correct her and I tell on her to the doctor when she is not following orders. I don't mean to do it but I have trouble looking the other way. It's hard for us type A caregivers.. But, I also give her excellent care and I do almost everything so that she can try to enjoy the time she has left. She didn't ask for the disease. Of course, neither did I.
It sounds like you are being a good daughter and doing the best you can. Take pride in that and give yourself a break. We can't take on these challenges and then beat ourselves up for not being perfect.
Llamalover47 is right. No one is perfect, we all have our flaws and if that means you think we are ungrateful or uncaring about the trials and tribulations of caregiving, you're dead wrong. I complain alot about the frustrations of dealing with my rapidly declining Mom. But I love her dearly and will surely miss her when she passes. Everyone needs to vent, needs someone to talk to; otherwise we would surely all be in the funny farm. Again, our deepest condolences.
The meal is relaxing enough and I'll ask her want to do this next and she'll tell me. Whatever it is I limit it to an hour unless she's on a roll, but you have just go with it many times. But I can say, without fail, that having that sit down meal first forecasts what's to come or not.
Quick word on the impatience, breathing, breathing, breathing. I know that's been mentioned, but moving away and taking several deep calming breathes really have saved me many times! And then I come home and kickbox:-)