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Midkid58, thank you, thank you. I hate shopping, too. I go for a purpose and get out. I'm not one to browse and browse. Hate the crowds (especially this time of year) and oh, boy, I hear you about "moving at a snail's pace". Help me, Jesus!
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My husband just died (Parkinson's disease) and my only regret is the too many times I lost patience and yelled at him. Wish I could take that back.
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My husband with dementia really can't make good decisions anymore, but yes, he can be opinionated! Also, he hasn't the energy or attention span to do extended searching and trying-on in stores. He hates shopping. The idea of simply ordering clothing to come to him, and to make decisions at leisure has worked the best. Returning items can be a nuisance, but with return mailing labels, not so awful as trekking back to stores!
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Windyridge - thanks for the laughs!!! That is great about taking a beating instead of shopping for 3 hours - I hear ya!!
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Quite serious about that beating. Three hours of shopping is an agonizing, slow death. A good ass whoopin is pretty quick.
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You know, LorrieB, she just might be a bit depressed. That was my dx, many years ago now, when I (who LOVE to shop) couldn't make a decision about buying my daughter a badly needed snowsuit in the winter. I saw the doctor and amongst my many symptoms, the inability to make a decision when faced with an apparently overwhelming choice is the one that stands out. So perhaps you might want to look into that? Just a thought. (I've been on ADs now for abt 30 years, and would NEVER want to be without them again.)
Hugs!
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OMG!!!! you are describing my 19 year old college student granddaughter. I don't have the shopping gene, she must have inherited it from her other grandma. I take a book and in my case my walker. I sit outside the fitting room and say "looks great honey" or "I am not sure of that color". If you have to supervise your mom closer you might not be able to do that. She is very frugal with money so I can't complain. I loved a lot of the other ideas, I hope it will work for you. I look at it as a time to sit down and read between stores.
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I don't have patience. I would never take my Mom shopping because I don't like to shop. She wouldn't last long anyway. She was not a shopper only bought what she needed. I know her size and taste so I just go ahead and get her what she needs. God love you.
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When my daughter was a teenager I'd bring a book to read while she tried on clothes. It's not really that different rt? Lol How about bringing your smart phone and write to us for support next time.
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If there was a perfect caregiver, it must have been Jesus. There are no mortal perfect caregivers; they don't exist.
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First of all, you need to appreciate the time you have with your mom. I just lost my mother October 16th and it sickens me to think about what you just posted. Hold your mom and tell her you love her.
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I'm curious Rich. What post is it that sickens you and why?
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I suggest limiting the amount of time in a shopping trip; too much sensory overload and environmental stimulus can increase her frustration and complicate her ability to make decisions. Try asking her if she wants you to help make the decision. My husband used to love going out to eat but had trouble focusing on the menu ( so many words were impossible for him to make sense out of) and when I offered to choose for him, he said yes and seemed very relieved. You are there and in spite of frustration we all feel, you are her anchor in this world of confusion. Don't beat yourself up, it doesn't help.
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You've gotten some great replies, so I'm mostly responding to the shopping or going out piece of this. If this is already mentioned somewhere, sorry to repeat. Routine is important so on Saturdays, assuming mom wants to go out or can be encouraged to go, I always start out by taking her to an early dinner at a local cafeteria first. Why? Because as we're eating I can gauge if she's up for another activity or not and have ideas on what they might be. It could be mall shopping or maybe ice cream and picking up a few groceries. I do this every time so she knows what to expect.

The meal is relaxing enough and I'll ask her want to do this next and she'll tell me. Whatever it is I limit it to an hour unless she's on a roll, but you have just go with it many times. But I can say, without fail, that having that sit down meal first forecasts what's to come or not.

Quick word on the impatience, breathing, breathing, breathing. I know that's been mentioned, but moving away and taking several deep calming breathes really have saved me many times! And then I come home and kickbox:-)
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Again, no mortal caregiver exists!
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When pushed to the edge, I remind myself that I can't "fix" him. I'm doing the best I can. They can push your buttons, but we need to step back or do something kind for our self so we won't explode. Luckily we have this site and all that participate to offer kindness, hugs and helpful information. I feel they are all in the same boat, and helping bail a sinking ship. Some are sinking faster than others. Save yourself, so you can help others too.
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Rich985 -- Our deepest condolences for the loss of your Mom. Most of us here on this forum are here because we are frustrated, exasperated, angry, generally want to vent or need/want answers or know that others are going through the same fears/frustrations/sadness. Make no mistake, the majority of us love our parents dearly and will surely miss them when they pass. You didn't say which post "sickens" you but based on the timing of your post to the previous one, it may have been the poster who said there are no perfect caregivers; they don't exist?

Llamalover47 is right. No one is perfect, we all have our flaws and if that means you think we are ungrateful or uncaring about the trials and tribulations of caregiving, you're dead wrong. I complain alot about the frustrations of dealing with my rapidly declining Mom. But I love her dearly and will surely miss her when she passes. Everyone needs to vent, needs someone to talk to; otherwise we would surely all be in the funny farm. Again, our deepest condolences.
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LorrieB, please do not be mad at yourself because most, if not all of us, have the same thoughts and actions. We are caregivers not Mother Teresa. Losing your patience and getting angry are so normal and we can't help that these normal emotions bubble up sometimes. My mother passed a few years ago and I am now caring for my wife but I still remember those LONG afternoons with my mom, taking her to all parts of town. She was a chronic "big lots" shopper and I finally figured out that she was just bored and this was her form of entertainment. If she found something inexpensive for the grandkids, even better. Sometimes, I thought maybe she was just wanting company and didn't want to go home. So, she may just want to spend more time with you doing something besides sitting at home.
Same with my current situation, I try to see some positives and see the humor in our crazy situations.
I wish I had better advice but sometimes there are just bad days and we are allowed to have them, too.
My issue is patience and I do try to do everything for my wife. I correct her and I tell on her to the doctor when she is not following orders. I don't mean to do it but I have trouble looking the other way. It's hard for us type A caregivers.. But, I also give her excellent care and I do almost everything so that she can try to enjoy the time she has left. She didn't ask for the disease. Of course, neither did I.
It sounds like you are being a good daughter and doing the best you can. Take pride in that and give yourself a break. We can't take on these challenges and then beat ourselves up for not being perfect.
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Today I took mom to get her nails done, yesterday it was shopping. She's 80 and lives with my hubby and me. I stay at home to care for her: mild dementia, very bad arthritis, autoimmune issues of the bowel. The nail person started badgering me to upgrade mom's mani/pedi, then mom started her usual small talk with the nail tech, to which I'm supposed to fill in the missing words, complete her semi-sentences and be the puppet for this small talk. Arggh! After a full day yesterday of mindless blather I couldn't take it. I got up and moved to another part of the nail salon to avoid these mindless gibberish. It aggravates me. Next time I'm going to drop her off at the salon, pick her up when I'm good and ready, and they can blather until the cows come home.
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Rich--
I am so sorry for your loss. I think that most of the people who are on here (myself included) are super frustrated with caring for elderly parents. I had zero issues when caring for my dying dad and wouldn't have posted anything "helpful". Not everyone is blessed with parents who loved them and whom they miss so much when they pass. You were, and for that, be grateful. We don't get to choose our parents, but we do have to deal with them--and it can be hard. I'm sorry you felt someone was saying something that "sickened" you. I'm glad you loved your own mom so much--and I'm sure it was reciprocated!
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I love Mom but its hard to see her with Dementia. Its very hard for me to adjust that one day she knows something the next day she doesn't. She has a hard time putting the right words with what she is thinking. Its frustrating trying to figure out what she is trying to say. We go out to dinner almost all the time. She is now, after a year, in a daycare 3x a week. Helps. The one thing is, I don't like doing it all. Just having her would be one thing but I have her house and bills I have to keep on top of. Cleaning it out. A physically disabled nephew she took in who doesn't drive. TG for my grandson who drives him where he needs to go. Before this though, it was me. Keeping up with her appts., his and mine. I retired so I didn't have to think anymore.
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Venting amongst those in this safe forum who we expect understand what we go thru does not mean we love our parents any less. It's just hard and we need support. It's like people who complain about their kids. It surely doesn't mean they don't love them.
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I think that everyone to one degree or another loves their parent - they don't have to like them and they are allowed to hate the disease that is slowly but inexorably taking them and to hate the way that works. It is actually quite sad to see my mum go from being able to open paint tins with a screwdriver, to the state now where she can't open a chip packet. To see her go from being able to walk 3 miles into town and swim 1/2 mile every day to someone who can't walk unaided. But worst of all is that she went from someone for whom figures were critical - she was a bank manager and now her only understanding of money dates way back probably to pre WW2. She thinks groceries still cost under a pound - I told her yesterday that the shop came to 115 (I had to get some hygiene products for her as we had run out and that pushes the price way up) She said why can't you tell me in shillings - again we haven't had those since 71. I changed the subject - she would have been horrified if she knew how much that was really. She think that it costs in your money about 6 cents to go to the theatre bless her.

I have a horrible feeling that I will grieve hard when Mum dies, not for the mother I lost but for losing the last tie to my father who I loved liked and adored
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ohJude it is the damn disease...

I too loved my Dad greatly but if it was him I was caregiving for instead of Mom I fear he wouldn't have looked so wonderful in my eyes ...
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I did care for Dad but in a different way. Mum never handled illness well. She always had had the same thing but worse. Of course she couldn't say that when Dad became terminally ill due to the big C. So every weekend I drove 200 odd miles to come and care for him so she could have a break. While she met her friends and went shopping I prepared Dads week of meals, pureed them and plated them and froze them so she didn't have to cook anything all week . One meal for her and one frozen pureed one for him. I also made soups etc then in between I sat and chatted and laughed and had a jolly good time. He wouldn't talk about dying - he hated the thought of it and was the sort of macho man who never wanted morphine. In the end there was no real choice to be had - and the morphine certainly speeded up what would have been an even more painful more drawn out death. I suspect if he had had dementia it could well have been different though. As it was he was so kind so remorseful about me caring for him and so gently touching that the gift of care, for him, was indeed a privilege.....not so for Mum but that isn't just the disease although it is 70% the dementia. I find her dependency personality disorder much more frustrating, that and the fact that while I love her i don't like her
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I am deeply touched by all the people who have weighed in on this topic; I was a bit taken back by Rich985, but his viewpoint is just as valid. Sometimes we need to be reminded of how precious this time is. I know I will be heartbroken when I lose my parents; both of them have Alzheimer's and I am caring for them as best I can... as their full-time caregiver (and with incredible support from my siblings, who take over on weekends), and in the first year of this commitment, I am learning SO MUCH about them as individuals, about dementia, and about who I am as a caregiver. I never had children, so don't have that experience to fall back on, but I can see the parallels. Again, thanks to everyone who gave heartfelt advice and tools to work with. My Mom can't be left alone, so taking breaks is probably not an option. I am using humour now, and the art of distraction, which is very positive and powerful! It's rare to hear my Mom laugh these days, so when she does, the world lights up. I will keep in mind how precious these moments are, will understand the need to keep outings shorter, and will continue to draw strength from all of you. Happy holidays and .... deep breath.
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I think when you care for two it must be incredibly hard. I find one verging on the impossible. That said, I have no sibling to speak of - he is not allowed near as he is a danger - and that is recognised by an injunction. It is the solitary confinement that can drive me nuts and those precious times when I do get out keep me sane. My daughter is abroad at the moment so I am doing time!
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Meant to say there is no PERFECT mortal caregiver. They don't exist.
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no perfect caregiver eh? Hmmm
Present
Endeavours to stay sane
Reinforces the need to exercise
Fetches and carries the things LO can't
Establishes a routine that works for one person if not the other!!!! you know what I mean don't you
Cares about the emotional well being of LO despite other people's comments
Takes outsider's view to heart until you come on here and get the support you need.

We are all perfect!
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Jude: No, none of us perfect, but we can aim high! Jesus was the only perfect caregiver!
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