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Tony ... nursing homes are not what they used to be .. you’d be surprised.
some are small 40 residents .. private room with bathroom/or share one other person., depending budget. Staff really nice friendly lots activities ... good meals and you can visit.. take your LO outings as often as you like... your relationship will be
much better and healthier for both of you.. and you can go back to being husband and not just an exhausted cranky caregiver.
you’ll still be looking after her ....
good luck
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I would do the same for my spouse if ever in that situation. Although it was tremendously hard, you did the right thing by him.
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I feel the same as you!
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I definitely know what you are feeling! I'm in the same boat as you!
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I am sorry your are experiencing this. This behaviour is common in Dementia, I would encourage discussion with your doctor about medications to calm her prior to attempting a shower/bath. Also you could try to start by using really warm water on a cloth and try to bed bath her, maybe she will be receptive onces she feels the warmth of the cloth.
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My family is telling me the exact same thing at this moment. My blood pressure is through the roof. I have the worst anxiety lately. I know that it will just kill me emotionally to place my father but I have children I need to be here for. I needed to see this tonight, thank you!
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I am new to this site but came across your story. I am taking care of my father and soon will be caring for my mother. This isn't easy but I don't have to tell you that. Keep your head up. I haven't been doing it as long as you have but I am already burnt out and very stressed. I work full time and come home to care for him. Your wife is very lucky to have you. My doctor told me today that I need to take time for myself but I don't even know how. my blood pressure was 210/104. Definitely not good. I am afraid to put my parents in a facility because I was a CNA for years and I know how it is and how they smell. My heart goes out to you and your wife.
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I'm at that difficult point now of placing mom in ASL. She moans for help all day, all night. Even the 5X a week 9pm to 5 am CNA's are having a difficult time caring for her. I've tried my best with no help from my sister and now its time to go forward so she can have a staff of trained professionals and I can have a semblance of a life. It will mean forfeiting her house and her savings but at this point my sanity is worth it.
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Well, I'm a care giver. I do it part time. I'm on disability and I had a care giver for awhile at the same time my husband had also became a paraplegic, however he wasnt qualified yet for disability. That's all another horrible story. However, I have physical limits, become tired, hip implant, screws in my pelvis and other issues. You get it. PAIN 24/7/365 I have meds was on the highest doses I asked to have it reduced felt it really didnt work just took the edge off. So that all happened 2003, on my wedding day, wasnt supposed to live. Got through that moved to Michigan to semi retire. Then in 2014 my husband wiped out on his dirt bike in the sand didnt hurt the bike, he didnt look hurt. He was on back trails. He was lucky some strangers found him. He is paralyzed from chest down. So I now have him to take care of. Hes difficult alot of the time. In the beginning he wouldnt do his programs. I did them. Finally I said that's it I'm done. He was taught well in therapy. He wouldnt do anything. He really still wont. I'm so frustrated. We've separated a couple of times. He can do things wint do them or pick up after himself. To add to this I'm sorry hes this way, I have no sympathy because his *ss (sorry) shouldn't of been on the dirt bike he was so drunk. So no pity from me!!
We were retiring at 50 in Michigan our kids all grown, tend years later her we are. He wont do anything. He's sloppy he doesnt care. We sleep in separate beds because he has leg spasms. He shows hardly any affection. We'll be married 15 years in oct. We had 2 weddings because of my accident. Which didn't do anything buy lay me up a little while. Couldnt return to my job. Compare us and he could still get a customer service job which he was in. He doesnt even want to drive so hed have to get his license. He just doesn't seem to care. He says he does I've been told try for help which I may. I just know I cant keep living like this much longer.
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HI everyone my prayers are with you all. My wife has Parkinson disease and COPD. I've been caring for her for 6 years. I am burnt out and stressed out. I do everything and yet most of the time it doesn't seem to be a enuff. I get up in the middle of the night 2 or 3 times to help her to the bathroom every night, bath her, feed her, change her ect. I can't take it anymore. My wife was nurse for 28 years and she has worked in nursing home and knows what there like. I drive a truck and delivered to nursing homes and some of them, it's hard to breathe because of the smell of urine. My wife is afraid of medicade if she can get it would put her in one I am to. Other nursing homes are way too expensive. Like I said before I love my wife very much I just can't do it anymore physically and mentally.
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I live in Boston I know how u feel I feel the same way
I was such a positive person, my mom quadriplegic these aides want to do what they want,once again I have to look for aide, we are tired , yes will lie I feel like I want to walk out at times but its my mom, yes she has kids they dont help
only us under stand this stress
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Hi !! I am in my 50's ..i retired from the post office,after 37yrs....i now am full time caregiver to my 80+ year old parents.......before the Pandemic it was really hard for me to have any me time...my Mom is in pretty good health...COPD and i would say Complete Worrywart Disease....My Dad has a 100 percent clogged corated artery and is complaining about his back knees etc.....Now i am going crazy.... becuz when we are able to go have a Social Live, I won't be able to...i am cooking cleaning shopping gardening , calling Dr.s....and i cant catch up...idk what to do..it seems like its never good enough
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Its so comforting to read these comments, it's sad that so many people are experiencing negative emotions due to care-giving but comforting because it helps me feel less alone. I try to be a positive, bubbly person so whenever negative emotions overwhelm me I struggle to just allow them to be, instead I chastise and judge myself for feelings that I'm starting to accept as common and to be expected. For instance these past months have been very hard on me, my grans health deteriorated so fast and she went from being an independent women to someone with two amputations and in need of a lot of assistance with daily tasks. I've never been in a situation like this where I have to take care of all the house chores by myself while also caring for an elderly persons wellbeing and wound care. It's been so draining and so tiresome and so stressful for me. I'm also young and work full time, need a social life, have a course I'm taking plus passion projects that I want to materialize. And it feels like in my culture and country its expected for me to just cope, for me to manage and I feel like a failure sometimes because I'm not. So now I'm just trying to make sense of everything, be reasonable and realistic and basically just make the most out of this situation. If it wasn't for my God, my support system and positive YouTube videos I feel like I would've lost my mind by now. I also struggle a lot with feeling incompetent and in way over my head. There's a lot more that I need in terms of knowledge but I feel like I will get there eventually. On top of the roller coaster ride of emotions theres also fear of her dying or her health deteriorating even further that keeps me stressed up. There's a lot I still need to learn and incorporate in terms of my own coping mechanisms but I'm trying to keep a positive brave face knowing that even though it doesn't feel like it at times my best is still good enough.
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It is the hardest thing you will ever do , and I’m so sorry you are facing this . My husband died in January , and it broke my heart .His disease , ALS is a monster , and it robbed us of our plans , my husband his voice , and his ability to swallow, and eventually his life .When things got bad , everyone wanted to place him in a specialized nursing home , I couldn’t do it .It was hard , but so worth it .He was surrounded by his family and friends until the end .I couldn’t sleep , lost weight , but would do it again .My husband couldn’t speak , and I couldn’t see anybody else taking care of him , the way we did .We had hospice the last month and they are wonderful .That said , every case is different, , do what you can , then don’t feel guilty when you can’t . I know this rough , sending you hugs .
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In the current environment, changes are next to impossible.   Additionally, family stress is much higher for many people.  My siblings use to each come once a month to help me, now there are very few flights.

I agree, re-evaluate after the crises and prayers for everyone.
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Hello. I am so stressed about my mom not showering. I know many people are going through this. My dad and I bring it up once a week. Our new thing is she must shower because of the covid virus. That we all need to be clean. Thought this would help. Nope! She had a UTI recently and I told her she needs to shower and keep clean so as to not have that reoccur. Did that work? Nope! She smells so badly I can't even sit with them anymore in the evenings and watch a movie or anything. When we bring this up to her she goes insane! Yelling, cussing, throws things. We called visiting Angels to come and have meeting. We felt a need to cancel because of this virus. Until they can come I don't know what In the world to do. I know she won't allow them to help her either. I know so many here have worse things.....I'm so sorry for all of you. Dementia is definitely sucking the life out of us caregivers. We go through so much daily. The struggles are so stressful.
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Why don't people listen? I do not care who the person is or what their relationship is with you, when their behaviors and actions impact you in a very negative way and nothing works to make it better, YOU MUST FIND A WAY TO REMOVE THEM AND PLACE THEM. If you don't do this, they will in time destroy you and who you are. Don't ever let another human do this to you.
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You are an Angel. I was working full time in an office and taking care of my mom at night and on weekends until she had a stroke last year that left her with Vascular Dementia and could no longer stay home alone, I quit my job to do this 24/7...it’s the hardest job I’ve ever had to deal with, my strength comes for my unconditional love for my mom.
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Adult daycare sounds like such a wonderful break I wish I could afford something like that for my mom even just one day a week.
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I read your post. Thank you so much it just brought tears to my eyes. I’m alone taking care of my mom 24/7 with no income, no breaks, words can not explain what I feel anymore.
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Hello, I just watched my father pass from Lewy Body Dementia, Primary Progressive, and Parkinson's, 1/2020, my mother from Alzheimer's, 2017, my husband was diagnosed with leukemia 2018, and I am a full time caregiver outside of my house.

How am I doing. The best I can. I am a fighter and a survivor. It is not easy. Somedays it is very hard, and the reality is, I as a caregiver that works and a caregiver that goes home and works, it is double duty, and overwhelming.
I also have some medication financial needs, which have made it near impossible, but the way I look at my life is this.

"Step by step, in every way, make a difference in a person's day"

We all have a choice, choose your glass half full, and when you are having a bad day, there are many fabulous people on here, they know who they are they have been nothing short of excellent ears for me.
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It’s the hardest thing in the world. I’ve been doing it for over 4 years so I sympathize.
Just recently my LO went into assisted living after a fall. I was literally at my breaking point caring for her, so it’s a relief to have her safe and cared for by someone else.

Sad to say that but it’s the truth. My physical and mental health has tanked these last few years and no one who hasn’t been a caregiver fully understands the sacrifice!

My heart goes out to you.
Self care- walk, read, eat healthy, therapy, good friends, family, do as many joyful things in your life that you can. I’m finally getting a chance to breathe again because things eventually change for all of us. Stay strong and make some decisions about your life that keep you healthy. I know it’s easier said than done. I would have gone on indefinitely until I collapsed or she needed care. There’s no easy answers. Sending good vibes your way!
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I hate it. My partner is mentally competent, but requires assistance with mobility, dressing, bathing and sometimes toileting due to MS. I work in a nursing home only to come home to work some more. He acts like it’s no big deal & has the nerve to ask what’s for dinner when I get home. I get so angry with him that I sometimes sleep on the couch. When I get a stretch of days off, I purposely pick up extra shifts to get away. I might as well get paid while dealing with other people’s bullsh*t.
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this comment is so me.. I just told a friend I'm ready to die I'm 69 been doing this 6+ yrs NO LIFE AT ALL. tried rehab and NH for 30 days they treated her horrible. So i have her back home..thanks for your comment
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i'm glad you are coping. it takes a lot of strength and wisdom and patience which you seem to possess. i wish i was handling it better.
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so true. it comes down to them or us. it's really too bad. i wish there was some other way. i think schools, maybe staring in high school, should educate people about elder care, long term care insurance, finances and stuff like that. i guess that young people wouldn't understand or care but people should be educated about this topic someone. mandatory. if you can afford to buy a home, i would and want to care for a parent look at getting a home with a walk in shower or walk in tub, a separate area or little apartment section... even that is not necessarily enough. you just start going crazy after awhile. i know i am. and at that point you're not even in good enough shape to make arrangements to get them somewhere else. i think this will kill me. and it's like i can't even figure my way out of it.
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it's breaking down my mental and physical health as well as depleting my money.
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Hi cmdcwc in Florida from West Cork, Eire.
You are a really great Lady and The Lord will Bless You and reward You for all of the suffering that You are having to endure over a long period of time. When I spotted Your Reply of one word I became curious and wondered hence I looked through Your Profile and I became appaled, horrified, and saddened at the treatment You received from this Man. Most People would have run for the hills and abandoned Him but You stood firm to Care for this Man which leaves me in awe of You. Your courage honor and loyalty is so admirable and rare no a days. Remember cmdcwc this Journey will end as nothing can continue forever and one day You will be free again so look after Your health, and take good Care of Your Self also. Be kind to Your Self too. To me You are a Hero Caregiver and I do admire You so.
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Our dats are getting to the point where things are getting physical and the only one who’s going to lose there is me.
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I'm so sorry you feel this way, but I have to admit that I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone.  I struggle with anger and resentment too.  Today my Dad told his nurse, "She's tired all the time - I don't know why, she doesn't do anything."  Really?  I am livid!

I just realized this comment was written in 2015.  OK, so I'm livid and maybe a little irrational.
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