For those of you who are caregiving and living with the person you are caring for 24/7, how are you coping?

Since the pandemic, where we've all had to totally adjust the way we live our lives, I've found I have more regrets about not doing the things I really wanted to do, which was travel. Before I became my aunts primary care giver, I did some...but limited it because I had a dog I felt bad about leaving AND couldn't find a petsitter. My husband travelled a lot for work and I missed many international trips.
But finding people to dog sit (at the time - he's passed away now) was a challenge where I live so I finally had to decide to kennel him at Petsmart for one trip and regretted it when I came back seeing he had not had proper potty breaks during the 10 days we were gone. Hence, my reluctance to travel and leave him. On a different note, the same has been true for finding respite workers and caregivers when it comes to my Aunt. I live in a semi rural area in the PNW and I've made multiple attempts to find somebody to come just a for weekend, and there is nobody available. This includes going outside of my area and being willing to pay extra. They either don't call back, or say they don't come out to where I live or that there is a shortage of caregivers and companions.
Further, my Aunt doesn't like it when we leave the house even for a couple of hours, which only happens about once every 2 months if that.
I could say more, but you get the gist...we virtually have no private time, and no time or way to get away. There are no family members to help or friends we can depend on either.

My husband and I care for my
85 year old father who has mobility issues and multiple health conditions.
I feel like my life is on hold (because it is) just as you do.
We have 2 sons and 2 grandchildren that we now can’t go see very often and when we do we have to go just for the day (no more overnights) so we are back for my Dad. Can’t trust him alone overnight. We haven’t had a vacation for 2 1/2 years.
I tell myself it isn’t forever but sometimes it feels like it.
You are not alone and you aren’t selfish. It is just so consuming.
Take care!

I’m in the same place. I think your friends are asking how you’re doing physically because this is how to pull yourself out of the emotional drain. I joined a bowling league in Sept with about 15 ladies my age and older. I never bowled. The physical activity takes my mind off caregiving and the encouragement from the group has helped pull me from feeling depressed. Had push aside guilt feelings for leaving mom alone and well worth it. Just know you are not alone.

Do not put your daughter through what you are going through. Put your mum in a facility and enjoy the rest of your life. No shame in it, our parents are living far too long.

If your brother isPOA then let him look after her, job done. Time for a break Get her in your car with a load of clothes and drop her off at her sons place. Tell him your off on holiday for a couple of months (lie) and go.

Omg, the doctor's appointments are the WORST. I don't know how your loved one deals with them, but my mom can be a royal pain to get out the door in any kind of timely fashion. I literally have to start getting her dressed like an hour beforehand, and we only live about ten minutes away from the hospital. She is so resistant to going to the doctor and when the weather outside is bad, it's even worse. My only way to deal with it so far is through out-and-out bribery. I tell her that we're going out for a sandwich or pizza or whatever and that we just need to stop at the doctor's along the way so he can talk to her real quick. When that doesn't work, I try to explain that the only reason she gets to stay at home with me is because she's being a good girl and going to her doctor's appointments. I hope things go better for you tomorrow hon. God bless.

Been there. It helps to write it even if you don't post it.

please don't lose yourself. there must be a way.
hug!!

hugs!! there must be a better solution.

Am not doing well at all... none of my friends want to hear the slightest negative thought. My best friend (across the country) asked me yesterday in an email - "how are you doing physically?" Yes, she put the word "physically" in - because NO ONE wants to hear about a Caregiver deteriorating mentally because in their mind - I'm an idiot for not putting her in a Nursing Home. They don't realize that I've asked her to move into one, but because she & I both own our house jointly - I have no say.

I do my best and will continue doing my best in caring for her, but have lost myself along the way.

We are in the contemplation stage. My mom turns 79 in two weeks. She has been a type 1 diabetic once 1977. I think the slowing has begun. Our situation is good. If your parent means everything to you, it’s like you slowly start to have conversations that you had been dreading since you were four year old. About age four or five was when I first began to contemplate the day I would lose her. I’m the middle child with the brown eyes like hers. They say it’s ok to not be ok.

Im not ok. Mom has a dignity and grace about it that’s simply hard to witness without crying. We are believers. She wants to meet Jesus.

Thus far, I moved where I sleep into the living room so I can be closer and remedy distress. Sometimes we just sit together in silence and sometimes we talk.

ive been keeping it mostly private but, do you ever stop crying ?

I have purchased bath cloths that are self sudsing…. Just add water and they are wonderful. You dont need to rinse.they are called scrubs no rinse bath sponges. I got them on Amazon for my husband. You can spot bathe between showers ect. Good luck it is spelled scrubzz

I feel many of the posts are identical to my own experiences. This is by far the hardest and most stressful time in my life. I have siblings who won't assist. My mom abandoned us when we were little so now that she is in need, they won't help. My heart won't let me turn my back on her no matter her past. But mom takes me for granted, she made her son poa, executor, etc and asked him to make sure she doesn't go into a nursing home. Because of this, I've lost myself, my health is declining and my career is suffering. I have zero social life or escape. I'm growing bitter as mom is getting more abusive which only sets me back given my early childhood trauma. I simply don't know what else to do. In caring for her to extend her life, I'm losing my own...slowly.

I signed up! Looks like the perfect course, maybe this site should link to it or do some sort of out reach, 'cause it's covering all the main issues. So appreciated, there's not enough structured information available, other than the Alzheimer's web site, differnt points of view are really important. Thanks!

Thank you! I just pulled up the site and I'm going to check it out.

Yep. The anxiety is unreal. Stress is always there, the usual self doubt questions: "am I doing enough, are they comfortable, are they happy, did I forget something, am I suppossed to be doing something now, I feel guilty for sitting at the computer for an hour when I should be doing something that I probably forgot to do, I better go check on them, it has been too quiet" kind of thoughts. And this is my second stint at caregiving-first was stage 4 cancer and compared to dementia, that was a walk in the park.
So, here we are, on the roller coaster of dementia, and we all want to get off this ride. It's how the ride ends that's so awful. Well....I'm going to try to do more for myself, get some help here for a regular once a week break, and know I am doing the best I can and that is the best I can hope for.

I'm losing it on a daily basis. I finally got Choices and am hiring 2 workers. My anxiety and stress are so bad that its manifesting physical symptoms.

It was told to me that often caregivers die before those they care for. We must care for ourselves or who will care for our loved ones if we go first? It’s important we take steps to make sure we do. Even on a airplane, when oxygen masks drop, mothers are instructed to put theirs on first, before their children, do they can care for their babies. We sacrifice out of love, but it’s important to remember to love ourselves as well.

We bought depends and mom says she likes them. Much better than rebuying new undies constantly

Very well put. The roller coaster and decision paralysis is overwhelming.

I am damaged by it all. The constant state of stress is enormous. I don't recognize myself much anymore.

Feeling overwhelmed and lost. I'm new to all this and not sure what to do. Dreading taking mom to yet another doctor tomorrow.

Up and down. I've only been in the role about 2 months and go between feeling completely trapped and hopeless, to feeling like I'm answering some sort of divine calling, to feeling sad and overwhelmed, to feeling okay all within a day, most days. It's something I always knew was on the horizon for me as an only child but it's so, so much harder than I ever imagined.

Right there with you. My mom calls me a GDB!@ch so often I’m going to the courthouse and have my name legally changed. My sister has already told me she will address my Christmas card accordingly.

I hear you it's only been a year for me with my mom here at my house and I'm worn out already I can't imagine ... But like you said I can't see putting my mom in an old folks home and leaving her there I am her loving son.

No need to feel guilty we are human and have feelings that shouldn't be supressed

I was in this position for several months; thank goodness my husband improved greatly. However, at the time, it was my whole life. One really needs other people to help. If family won't do it, use the money the disabled individual has or explore government resources. IT IS NOT A SUSTAINABLE WAY TO LIVE FOR THE CARETAKER.

I wrote and wrote, then I felt guilty and I erased it all.

I wan t o connect with so many people on here over the phone so you know your not alone bevayae i feel alone 100% of the time

Caredot if she has too much $ for aging to pay for in home care, you are allowed to hire some help with her money ( not yours). Nothing wrong with doing this, you need a break too! You can look into short stay respite care at a local facility.. say they take her for a week or so and you can get away. It may be pricey,, but it sounds like she may have enough for it and you can get a break and keep your sanity! We did this with Dad and it was a sanity saver for us.