For those of you who are caregiving and living with the person you are caring for 24/7, how are you coping?

You deserve sainthood. I thought my day with my mother was difficult. I can't imagine how you have survived. I hope you have a life back one day as this quality of hers feels to have reached a doomed state.

There is only one immediate answer, stop for a moment, breathe, -really breathe-. Go to your room or anywhere you can be by yourself, in peace for a while. Calm down, and disconnect from your obligations. Even if for half hour, but you need that. And I would suggest that you do this everyday, at least three times a day. That will be like oxygen for you to prevent you from getting to this situations where your physical health is at danger, remember that blood pressure is a silent tremendous danger.
I don’t want to get into the can you place your parents in an outside care facility, look for help, hire someone, etc, etc. I think you need to focus on your immediate situation. Once you’re more calmed, feeling better physically, feeling lighter emotionally, you won’t feel like you are ready to crash. You will see!
Sending positive thoughts and good energy your way!

Not well - my mother is constipated and two enemas didn't help; my dad angrily informed me today that he's tired of me ignoring him (seriously??) and my blood pressure is so high I'm shaking all over.  I keep going - but this superwoman is ready to crash.  Cope?  I need help.

I know exactly what you mean. If one more person tells me that I need to get help I will scream. I have been begging for help for four years now. We have no extra money to pay for this so called help and if I really want it I have to pay for it. I never wanted to feel this way towards my mom. I know it is not her fault but I work all day and then go home to take care of my mom. Don't even think she knows who I am anymore. She wakes up all night long and stands in front of my door coughing so that i wake up....I HAVE TO GET UP IN AN HOUR!!!! Nothing helps everyone is into themselves and as long as I am there they just don't give a damn. When I moved in four years ago, my husband had just died of cancer and I thought it would be good for both of us but my mom didn't remember I was grieving she just kept repeating and forgetting and before I knew it no one was coming over to visit anymore and it was just me and the cats and MOM. Please don't get me wrong I love my mom but I am starting to really feel I can't take it anymore. So no you are not going to get any rude comments from me, I can totally relate....

I have been taking care of my mother for 21 years, daily for 17 years and 24/7 for the past 4 1/2 years. She hasn't acknowledged me as her son for 4 1/2 years when she had a massive stroke. She is 92. At this point she needs help with everything; she has severely limited physical ability, mental/cognitive ability, she is deaf and today it seems she has lost much of her vision. She is in bed all the time, except when I take her to the bathroom. I have to sit her up in bed, stand her up, and hold her so she won't fall over. I don't know how much longer she can last in this condition.

I have felt the same way; at times I still do. I had a lot of resentment having to give up my home, my peaceful life with my BF, and my goals & dreams just to take care of someone who really didn't take care of me. And like you I thought my mother's craziness was going to take me with her. So I get it!

My Bishop was talking one day about we have a choice of having peace & joy. My first thought was that easy for him (my bishop) to say because he wasn't dealing with what I was dealing with.

But here is the thing: whether you believe in God or not we do have a choice on how we perceive our situation. We can look at it through eyes of resentment, disappointment, and hopelessness, or we can choose to say to ourselves, yes this sucks, but I am going to take back my life. Was it hard, yes! But I am choosing to let go of the resentment a little bit everyday and disappointment because it doesn't hurt my mother but it was killing me! I also choose to have hope that some how this will work for my good. I decide to have joy and peace everyday even if it is for 2 minutes a day. And when I started doing this my peace and joy started lasting longer. Does it work every day "no", but I try everyday. I refuses to live a life that is running over me! I refuse to give up on my goals and dreams. I have no idea how I am going to do it, I'll I know if I give up on myself I'll be the one paying the price.

Just last week I was given a big blow to my life that made me feel so deflated & disheartened. And I still have not figure out a solution. But I am working on it, alwhile trying to keep my peace and joy. How? I do things I love to do like watching a great movie, reading, cooking a great meal, playing with one of my cats, writing, or talking to friend about the crazy things our pets do, and therapy helps. Joy and peace sometime comes in the little things we do!

I really hope this helps you find your way to have some peace and joy that you deserve, that we all deserve for giving up so much.

May God open your heart and lets you find His peace, joy, and His love into your heart in Jesus' name. Amen

What a great satisfaction you must feel in your heart knowing that you were really there for your mom all along, and that she acknowledged and valued YOU and your love and dedication!!
I hope that truth shines bright enough to bring light, consolation and peace to your heart.
I’m sure she is very grateful and very proud John. May she Rest In Peace!

Even though my Caregiving time has ended for now the memories will never fade. While I am left with so many beautiful memories of Caring for my Mother Who had alzheimer's I can not disagree with any thing You have written in Your Post. Apart from having no Free Time for You since You are hands on 24/7, it's the fear of burn out that really does petrify You knowing that if You crash and hit the canvas there is no One willing to take Your place hence there is no other option open but a Nursing Care Home for Ones love one which they definitely would never opt for them Selves. Families should support the Care giver 110% but they very rarely do as its all take and no give. The bond and the trust Our love ones have shown Us Carers is a beautiful thing, and We would never disappoint them or fail them. Mom used say to me "John" God forbid if any thing happened to You I would be completely finished as I would have no one to take Care of Me, wouldn't that just melt Your Heart ? My Mom was a strong and beautiful kind Woman and I really do miss Her an awful lot and looking back now I can only thank God for the great days that We had. Rest In Peace.

how are you doing now? How is mom? I’m in same boat too. Hugs 🤗

Dee2015 It's amazing what you are doing and God bless you for it. You mentioned that your brother qualifies for a care a facility? Even though your mom doesn't want to part with him, maybe its for the best that he go into the facility. It would take some off your shoulders and you can continue to love him by advocating for him and visiting him. I see the qualification as a blessing that you may be turning away. Many people have the belief that having professionals taking care of family members is the same as betrayal. I don't believe that if we continue to watch over them by visiting and asking lots of questions (about quality of their care) while they are in care. It doesn't make sense to stress yourself into an early grave. It won't help anyone. Just my two cents.

God bless you and your mother. I pray you are well in spirit and body. May you be blessed with the gift of beauty traded for ashes and peace that surpasses understanding. I bear witness to being brought through much as a caregiver, and now, standing on the other side, I tell you dear sister, our Lord is faithful to keep promises made. We are not promised no trouble in this life, we are promised we are not abandoned and do not travel alone. Abba is with you always and counts every tear. You are dear, He is always near. Sending hugs and much love your way.

Respite. Respite. Respite. I live with my mom who has vascular dementia, and I utilize every bit of respite I can to keep myself going, so I can keep her going. We have an inter-generational day care locally that she attends during the week days, and I've recently hired an overnight caregiver for one weekend night a week. With Mom in day care during the week days I have time to take care of the business end of her life (and mine), and on a weekend night I can now go out with friends and blow off steam, sleep in, and get rejuvenated. I'm lucky, my sister and I share 24/7 caregiving, and we still have friends and family involved too, and if any of them are foolish enough to offer to hang out with Mom, I take 'em up on it immediately!

Hang in there. This too shall pass, even though it feels so often like this is all I'll ever be.

I am so sorry She1934. We are out here, and we hear you.

I do like CharK60's suggestion about headphones. I often have one ear bud in (in the ear furthest from Mom) and that lets me listen to music, or watch my own movie on my phone while sitting beside her "watching" her movie. Having only one ear bud in means I can still hear and respond to my Mom - even to changes in her breathing.

"When I go get groceries it's like getting out of school was in my youth. " This describes so well how I feel when I step away. My brother is with my Mom on Saturdays, so it is my one full day break. So when I leave tonight at 7pm I won't be back until Sun at 7am. I am sure that must seem inconceivable to those of you who are with your LO 24/7. I guess we all just have to take what breaks we can, and appreciate the heck out of them...

Today I just decided to really put things into the Lord's hands and leave them there. Fretting is mentioned in scripture...It states Fret Not. I think the Lord is ultimately in control and that being the case I must trust Him to lead me and guide me daily. Today I had a peaceful day...Trusting in the Lord with all my heart/ Leaning not on my own Own Understanding. In all my ways acknowledging Him....The verse says "He" shall bring it to pass.....Being Still and knowing that He is God. LoVe and Prayers to all of you !

I have my husband go to a senior daycare twice a week, it gives me time to myself to do hat ever I want. It has been a lifesaver.

Are there funds to place her in the right situation. I am very sorry for your despondency which is justifiable. I You don't provide enough l information to advise further. The only way things will improve is for you to change the present situations so that you can start to regain your life without being chained to your mother. It won't be easy but is imperative. I hope you can find the strength to move forward and I hope you can rid yourself of being so emotionally overwhelmed. Please try to regain your life.

I get you and I am with you 100%.

I feel like my mom is going crazy and taking me with her. I have no joy in my life, I feel that I don’t have a life. I can’t go anywhere or plan anything because my mom will decide she is not going so I end up staying with her. I miss my children and grandchildren. I really resent having to give up my home to move in with my mom and the fact that this is my life. I don’t know how long I will be able to do this I wish there was help for me. I know I am not the only person going through this but somehow does not comfort me.

I got my depressed Mom a tiny little dog a couple of months ago...still a puppy 8 months.. I assumed she was potty trained at 8 months- wrong. At any rate having a puppy under foot has taught me a lot of things that carry over to being a care giver as well. I have noticed how my tone with our puppy is important. I have noticed if I ignore the mistakes and praise the accomplishments it reinforces the good. I am trying to treat myself this way.... and Mom too. Why not encourage myself and my Mom and bring a little sunshine in. Things are never going to be perfect ...but just starting every day fresh...
His mercies are new every morning....

I have realized it is better for me to keep quiet when I am running out of patience. If Mom asks me why I am being so quiet ... I tell her that I am feeling tired and need to take a rest pretty soon. She understands tired. Sometimes I go in the bathroom and close the door and sit there...I learned this at a caregivers workshop,,,the teacher told us to make use of the "Rest" Room...just to take a few minutes when we needed to.
I have been remembering how it was being a new mother decades ago- how I felt myself being stretched almost - in - two - as a parent.
Mom had an insight one day that really helped me a lot. She told me that when she would say WE need to do such and such,
that she had felt we were doing things together ---but then she realized I am really the only one who is doing things .... My dear mother, I love her so much.

Were either your dad or your husband in the military? I just started getting respite care "for" my husband which means right now I get 6 hours a week to do & go. I hope to use it for painting when things get settled. If either is a vet then contact your closest VA and ask for home health care. They will transfer you and it should take a couple of weeks to get things going.
I have a large family but they are all busy. Two of my sisters live close so we help each other out. It is hard though when I pretty much have to do everything, inside and out. We have been struggling with the riding mower this afternoon and I am beat.
I'm thinking you were born in 1953 and so was I. I am active at church and my husband tries to come on Sundays. If you can get your hands on a copy of Mature Living it has some really good articles in the October edition. It comes from Lifeway and our church gets them for us.
Grace and mercy to you as you continue your journey.

Well I took my mother to her dentist and doctor same day last week. They are in the same building. All went well with dentist. After 5 minutes, Dr says to her, you can’t drive anymore. Sending papers to the state. She was totally fine with that. Dr said she’s mild to moderate dementia. At least now , after 2 years of wondering , Alzheimer’s? Dementia? What is the difference ? What is the normal? What are my responsibilities? Can she be here alone? All of that stress, has been answered. I think. She’s lived with me for over 20 years. Worked up until 2 years ago. She was very independent. So this has been a huge change

My husband has dementia and I take care of him 24/7, it is not easy. There are days where I want to just run away from home. Three months ago I enrolled my husband in a senior day care, he goes two days a week and it has been a lifesaver. Two days a week I have the day to myself to do whatever I want.

I cannot imagine what it is like to walk in your shoes for even a minute. I wish I had an answer.

Actually things got a bit better in the past month for us. I care for my husband who has had multiple issues. He spent a week in the psychiatric ward for severe depression [contributed to by his chronic PTSD, throat cancer, and then CVA Stroke]. His attitude is much better now and it is livable. He can smile and even when he forgets what I told him we were eating for lunch, supper, ... or any other small items, it is okay.
I have to recall that his short term memory is not there.
But at least he is pleasant about it, unless of course I forget and ask him "Don't you remember what I told you?"

That is the hardest thing for me now. He is more pleasant but they of course couldn't fix the brain. But it is going a bit better.

I still feel like trips to town are short breaths of fresh air and feel a bit guilty for scheduling fun stuff for me to do.
But I always offer to bring him with.

Still struggling with my MIL and trying to get things straightened out with her. Hubby gets jealous when I go spend time with his mom.
I find that a bit weird.
She has ALZ and is under the care of a Guardian now since my husband was her DPOA and couldn't do it due to his Vascular Dementia.

Oh what a wicked world we live in.

I'm so very sorry for your present situation.

When I go get groceries it's like getting out of school was in my youth.
Mom has depression and is too feeble to take a mood elevator. She has gone from not good eyesight to almost complete blindness at times in the last 2 years. She's very hard of hearing so there is a lot of repetition. I've been here 21 months now. I took 4 days off a year ago last April.
Yes, I think about wishing the present time away, and how it will end. I wouldn't want to live like she does. Constant negativity.
"The only constant is change."

does he qualify for medicaid? sounds like it's time for a nursing facility.

She1934:

Have you given any thought to having your husband admitted to a skilled nursing facility - specifically one with a Memory Care Unit? MC units are for AD patients with mid to advanced stages of the disease. He would have round the clock care from professionals and you would be able to visit him and then go back to your home for nice long respites between visits. I have not read all of the posts here but I'm sure someone else has suggested this already.

I want very badly to express my feelings for you but I can tell there’s nothing I can say that will help. I can’t imagine how you are making it through each day. What you are living through makes anything I’ve had to get through so infinitely small as to not worth saying so I won’t bother.
There HAS to be a light at the end of the tunnel for you. There HAS to be some form of relief for you. If not, then I think you should lock yourself in the bathroom or your car as often as you need to throughout the day.
I believe you when you say he works at catching you at something and at sneaking something but does that mean he’s lucid at those times?
It doesn't Matter if he is lucid sometimes because you already know he can’t be reasoned with.
Surely, you don’t have to remain captive if he gets physically abusive. If you become afraid for your life there’s got to be somewhere to report him. Or if you fear what you might do in anger and frustration, also.
Whatever else you do, keep on top of your legal problems so you have that done and prepare for the next hurdle.
In the meantime, try to anticipate what might happen next so you can be ready for it. And try to get some rest in the daytime too.
I know, it’s all too much to keep up with.
This will sound silly, I know, but can you get some headphones to play music for just you? It can help to keep in a cocoon of your own. Just look at any teenager and see how they’re not here with the living sometimes. My thoughts are with you-if I could I would swoop down to save you. No one should have to go thru this and be made to feel this way.
Charlotte