For those of you who are caregiving and living with the person you are caring for 24/7, how are you coping?

Today the hospice nurse came for a last visit to talk with me. I talked about Mom; her life, what she was like, what we did together, and her medical history. She said I did everything right so that Mom could pass in as peaceful a manner as possible. She said not many people would do what I have done. She said she would want her son to be like me and to show as much love as I do for my Mom. It did me a lot of good to be able to get out what was inside of me. I don't idolize my Mom. She was an imperfect person as we all are, but that never made me love her any less. I have always been her advocate even when she made it very difficult. She will always live inside of me.

John,

I think your mom’s most meaningful accomplishment was to raise a good man. And I truly believe those who are good to their parents, are good in everything they do, and successful. Hope you’re able to re-start your life now with your heart filled with peace John. God bless you!

.

Dear John,
I am so very sorry for your loss. You have been a wonderful son. If most men could be like you, what a wonderful world we would live in. You showed the utmost love for your Mom, and God is fully aware of your labor of love. I hope and pray that you find comfort in that you endured through one of the most difficult things in life. I pray that the Lord comforts your heart through your grief process. And I hope that you will be able to carry on as your Mom would want you to, especially after all that you have done for her.
Please don't be a stranger, we care about you and want to make sure how you doing.
Allow yourself to feel and lean on the Lord.
I will keep you in my prayers,

I live with my best friend, my mom. However, for the last 3 years she's been sending 1 or 2 dollars to every sweepstakes that comes in, they are have her on their "sucker" list I'm sure. My father was in the service, so I am pro military, but every postcard or letter of someone in need has her sending money, writing checks. She doesn't think she has a problem but she does. I've looked up these so called "sweepstakes" online, after she asked me to and showed her it said "SCAM". She keeps right on sending and this is putting a huge strain on me. She makes comments like she's got to ease up on spending, yet she does this. I've tried explaining but nothing seems to help her. I feel defeated, drained, tired. I feel if I continue trying to guide her, she'll hate me, something I never thought was possible.

Teresa,
You need to tell that sorry brother of yours you need a break, and that if you keep this up you're going to have a nervous break down. God bless you sister! Like you, I can't stay gone too long from my mom. I RARELY go out at night but the one night I did go out to a Mexican restaurant with a friend, somehow my brother (who lives in another city) found I was there and told me to go home quickly, my mom was worried to death, crying. I had told her days prior, the morning of and even from the restaurant. We have got to take some time to ourselves or we'll crack!

Dear John: I am so sorry for your loss. Big hugs and sympathies.

Tess. Stop taking the dogs is the word sucker tattooed on your forehead? I don’t think so

I am wayyyy beyond burnout stage.

It is more likely that you will end up with other feelings for your mom, while maybe not hatred something close to it. I also had the problem of my mom sending money to every Tom, Dick and Harry. I had to take over paying my moms bills 6 or 7 years ago and I started putting all of that stuff in the trash. The police did manage to get her on the phone and she said she would send them money. I got the call when they called to remind her, I told them she has Alzheimer’s. Haven’t had anymore problems.

I am also ready for respite, but at 185.00 a pop I can’t see that happening.

My dad is a sucker for these things and ignored my telling him and passing on info about legitimate causes that helped veterans. He feels very strongly, being a veteran of WWII of helping them. But you give, they keep wanting more. Because my mom has dementia and threw out the mail, including important stuff like bills etc, with Dad's blessings I had them added to my PO Box address, and we all share the same last name.
When he asked me to make a donation, sometimes I do...but I have now taken to writing remove my name from your list if it comes to the house, and I write return to sender/refused on the envelopes I intercept at the PO. It's just got to stop. I am very worried that if we lose dad and need to get help in to watch mom while I work until I can retire, that we will need all the money we can have. My mom was also constantly sending coupons in for magazine subscriptions. I begged the clearinghouses to please stop. It seems to be less now.

So many are like that. It's my mom who always called out the mounties if I was late to the point I stopped telling her completely where I was going. Now it is my DAD who thinks if it is 9 PM I should be home. With is being deaf he doesn't know half the time I am not even home! Check with your local area agency on aging. Ours has some funding for a respite program. It allows you time off for good behavior...no cost to you...

I just saw your answer and I feel that way too. Another care giver posted to me to think about possible ways to make a difference in my daily situation even something small and I have been trying. Like taking a walk in the fresh air or deep breathing. I hope you can find respite for yourself in some way!

I have Good days and Tough days, living with my 96 yr. old father. He's still very sharp mentally, though his memory and are quickly waning. Since he's so intelligent, funny and charming and considerate most of the time, changing my interaction with him (in view of his age versus how we used to act when he was younger), has made a world of difference. I'm fairly isolated, and I suffer from anxiety and depression, but have 2 small adorable emotional support dogs. Preoccupied with the upcoming separation And thought of being saddled with all this selling and packing arrangements were overwhelming , and the lack of resources to manage on my own, has left me even more depressed. Looking into golden girls and other options and brainstorming. Because I have to contribute 75% of my monthly income and the rest to survive, I have no nest egg. My dad says he will give me a first month last month and deposit and moving expenses out of the proceeds of the house sale..m but since he's so forgetful and changeable emotionally I'm afraid to depend upon that and Plan to get that in writing and video with witnesses, along with the car being turned over to me (now in both our names), though I would then have to pick up the monthly payments and insurance. Strive for health, and have great mental and physical physicians. My biggest challenge is to get out of my funk this is not there is a rebel and actually do the things I must do, but feel Immobilized lately, able to fo the bare minimum. My dad's verbal abuse during his "episodes," has crushed my spirit and confidence, But I'm working on rebuilding that. Love this site.

I am 70 next month, my mom will be 90 in November. I also don’t know how I will manage. My age doesn’t help either.

I’m burnt out! My FIL has a lot of health issues and my MIL just wants to hide in her room and sew. Hubby and I work full time as does my oldest daughter. I’m also a college student. FIL’s Parkinsons is getting worse. He is very needy, wants my husband’s attention 24/7. I take care of his meds, appointments and he has no remorse about demanding things from us. My daughters can’t stand to be around either of them bc they’re so critical and bossy. We basically gave up our downstairs for them. Then they get mad when I ask for them to work with me on times to come in my own bedroom/bathroom for showers since I have schoolwork to do when I’m home. I lost my mom 2 years ago and I’m still dealing with that. MIL was supposed to help cook, and help out keeping the downstairs straight. All she does besides sew is go outside for vape every 29 minutes (I’ve timed it.) she’s mentally checked out. I wish I could too. My kids are miserable. We cram into a room the size of a nursery to watch tv when the 4 of us are home (which is rare). Then FIL calls bc he wants DH to give him attention. Imallouttalove for them. I’m thinking of sleeping at my sisters this weekend.

I just recently posted a question asking for advice on how to take of your 81y/o mother at home with Alzheimer’s without losing my mind. I’m not doing too well. I’m constantly exhausted, have no life of my own outside of my house and mother and I miss my old life with my husband before we took mom in. She’s been with us 3 years and sometimes I think I’m going crazy. I love my mom but right now she’s going through a very bitter, mean stage and I don’t know how to handle her.

I completely worry about my husband. His 85 yr old dad lives with us. He is so needy. Husband works from home and business is booming but FIL has so many needs my husband is running him around every single day for this or that. FIL doesn’t even notice that he is stressing out his own son. I’m working to get someone come in a couple days a week so they could run FIL around and this would help husband. I am trying to schedule little getaways when I can find one of our young adult children to take care of their grandfather.

Not doing so good today. I've been having trouble getting my mom off the couch and in her wheelchair to get her to the bathroom. She can hardly stand on her own and I have trouble lifting her. Twice today I had to have help. Once I called pastor's wife and once I called EMS. I can't keep doing this. I'm going to talk to either our hospice nurse or our social worker about this. My mom is taking an antibiotic for a UTI and respiratory infection and goes to the bathroom every hour to hour and a half. It's really frustrating
Sigh.

Teresa, wow. That would be difficult. At least you know easier times are coming, ie. after the UTI clears up and the antibiotics finish. I hope you were able to get extra help. Good luck to you.

Oh I know that feeling. My worst part is the guilt I feel when I complain that I have no life. After my husband died after finding out he had cancer and six wees later he's gone and I go from that to being a caregiver for my mom. Work full time and come home to being a caregiver for my mom. I just would like a little time to myself but the minute I get home she is stuck to me like glue. Even though she has had caregivers with her all day and one of them is my older sister but its me she wants to be next to, follows me around to the point of me turning around and bumping into her. I feel like a horrible daughter for writing this but this is my life now. Work from 8-5 get home at 5:30 and its another job for 5:30 until the next morning when I'm back to work. Nighttime is not sleep time at my house. For some reason my mother is up and turning on my light to standing in front of my door coughing or tapping her finger nails on the furnace etc. But again, I feel guilty for even talking about it. I love my mom but I just want a little time for myself...Does anyone else have these feelings of guilt or am I just a horrible person?

I just had to call the fire department because I found my mom on the floor last night (in the middle of the night) and I could not lift her back up. My mom is not heavy she is very thin but it was like dead weight and so I had to call someone. So Teresa I totally understand and it is frustrating. My mom will wake up at two in the morning to go to the bathroom and thinks it is morning and gets dressed and just walks around the house trying to wake me up but I have to go to work in the morning!! So I have to get her back in her night gown and put her back to bed just for her to get up within an hour to start the whole thing over again!!!! OMG!!!

You are a Saint. You are not a horrible person. I’m sorry for the loss of your husband. You need time to adjust to that extreme life changing/ heart breaking reality. Again, my condolences. Hugs

Ditto... it’s so hard in so many ways that are not healthy for caregivers... And, we are the ones that save the government tons of money... we should be at least compensated.

Talk to her doctor(s) as to what type of sleep aide you can give her due to clashing with any existing meds. I gave my mom melatonin which was a joke. Mine agreed I can give her Tylenol PM which will help her sleep at night and be up in the day time and allow her activity to be more in the daytime with other caregivers. Her sleep pattern will change and you may gain some reprieve. Good Luck.

I am praying for you Teresa...I am sorry to hear about your experience!

I feel horrible when my patience runs thin. DH attends adult day care M-F. The bus picks up by 7am & returns between 3-5pm. I know I am so lucky to have that resource. But I still have days where this situation seems endless & I feel helpless & hopeless & become impatient.

Thank goodness I can come to this website for insight & perspective without judgment.

Don’t beat yourself up. Being crammed into a small space together is maddening!!!!! I am glad you get out to exercise, however, I do understand what you mean about not wanting to go back home... I dreaded coming back from our much needed vacay last year because I did not want to have to be near my FIL.
please reconsider meds, I think it is the only thing that has kept me from going off a cliff

The only thing I can do at this point is take each day one day at a time and thank God that I woke up!