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THE MOST IRRITATING PART OF MY JOB BEING A HOSPICE AIDE IS WHEN I HEAR THE FAMILY DISCUSSING WHO GET WHATS RIGHT IN THE ROOM WHEN THEIR LOVE ONE IS PASSING..Why would a family be so disrepectful to their love that is passing, we were taught in class when someone is passing or has passed do not discussed anything in the romm for their hearing is last to go..i had a client awhile back that was on hospice and i spent quite of bi tof time with, this client, families coming in and out friends close friends in out to see their love one, thats was nice and mermorable and im so glad they didnt pass alone, the family was their and thats what i like seeing i hate to see a client that has no family to be with them at then end it is so sad, but when you hav e a large family that comes and sit and talk about who get what and who gets the money discusssing funeral asrragements right in the room that is low and i couldn't takie it anymore, i heard for days that Jack,Jim or carl will get this or Sally, Sue or Jane doesnt need that cause it was dads or mom vice versa or steve havent been home for a decade so he comes in wants to spend time with their love one but the family member thats there wouldnt let him cause he didnt call or come in time, i dnt care what he or she did they still had the right to be there to spend time with their love one, it may not have mount to anything but atleast they were there at the end.Now i may have step over my boundries but i was just up to hear about everything i spent 9 mons with this person and before they got worst they ask to see everyone son i told my supervisor and she contacted the person in charge and told them but when they all got there in and out they discussed alot which that was fine because the person didnt have much time, they ask me questions and i answered them to the best of my knowledge and what i have learned of being in the hospice world..but i never told them to discusssed anything in front of them, but when they did i got furious on the inside and i ask them nicley to leave the room, well one of the family members went off on me and told me to mind my business and i told them as long as im hear taking care of what needs to be taking care its my business and discussing property,money etc is just not approiate in the room while the love one is passing..i feel i was right to do this but in the family case i was wrong

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God Bless all of us
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Dear Reverseroles I wrote because you wrote my story!!!!! LOL. There are just too many similarites and knowing that helps me cope with this craziness better. I am a therapist and I can't figure out my own "stuff." I do know this and I can explain further later; there is a theory, albeit and old one, that schitzophrenia was caused by or at least influcentel in the development of this disease. by mothers who did xy and z. It's referred to as the double bind theory. In other words, the victim/child gets these convaluted msgs which in essense says that the child cannot win. Briefly, that is my sister.
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Suzemarie, did I write your story? Omg I have so many sililarities to it that it almost looks like I wrote it. Youre the best thing that ever happened to your Mom!
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Boy that brings back memories, read my story it is similar to it
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My mother has AD and is alive. Five years ago she lived in So CA about 10 minutes from my sister BIL and grandsons. I lived (and still do) on the SF Peninsula. I knew mom had a hernia but no doctor said watch for this or that. On the phone one night mom stated that her stomach really hurt. I thought of the hernia. I thought of calling my sister but there were many incidents prior to this where i asked sister to help mom and she couldn't be bothered. I was due to visit anyway. I told mom I would be visiting. Mom usu told my sister and then the day after I would arrive we would all get together.

I arrived at moms house which was a disaster. Papers everywhere bills double paid, not paid, collection letters, canceled homeowners insure and the list goes on. Literally, there was no food or drink in the house. None.

Mom showed me her stomach and i was agast. She looked 5 or 6 months pregnant. i feared it was the hernia. The next morning as always mom had shopping plans for us to do. She also stated she wanted to go to her bank and close her account because the branch close to her had closed. Eventually we made it to the bank but i knew closing an account was not as easy as this . So we asked questions and of course as I suspected, we couldn't do anything about her account that day. While we were sitting there, my BIL walked in. The air filled with uneasiness. He didn't look happy to see me or mom and i was just not doing anything; never liked the man. He walked out after he did his business. Mom and left the bank and continued with shopping and lunch.

We returned at the end of the day to her house. As usual I called my sister to say helllo and talk about when mom and I should come over the following day, and to tell her how big mom's stomach was...she would probably need surgery and we needed to get her to a doctor/surgeon. Because i resided 500 miles away i had no idea what surgeon to call. Sister and I would figure it out. Woah. It didn't happen that way at all. Sister started literaally screaming and ranting that I had snuck into town to take mom's money. I was speechless. My mind could not even wrap around the words she was saying. My mind was going 100 miles an hour...where did this come from; then it clicked, the BIL and he bank. So I started to try to defend myself but with my sister that never happens. I was still trying to tell her about mom's stomach. Was never able to tell her because she just kept accusing me. In miy mind i quickly thought dam I will just take mom with me to SF for a vacation and to have the stomach checked out. I called several friends who were very familar with domestic violence protocols. They reminded me to make a good cause report so that I would not be accused of kidnapping mom. They talked me through this very emotional time; i was sobbing mom was sobbing. My mom could hear sister through the phone yelling. Poor mom. So the next day mom and I had a lovely drive to SF. I packed up as much as her stuff as I could...I didn't have a good feeling about this.

What I am trying to say is many of us have had the experience of greedy family members and it is awful, and sadly, to the degree that they can't even listen to mom's serious condition...

I knew my sister was difficult, she always has been but this was an eye opener.

Mom has been here since 07 because sister would not respond to my emails about bringing mom home. Days turned into months, months into years. My last plea was offering to bring mom home. That is where my mother wanted to be; she had beenin So CA her entire life. Mom wanted to be back near her grandsons who she adored. I needed my sister to find a NH for mom in an area that would be close to my sister. I wasn't familiar with the area (we did not grow up in this town) and I wouldn't know what area would be best for my sister who would be the one visiting my mom. Her reply to that plea was you have all the power you figuew ir our. (I became poa by default because sister would not tallk to me). The surgery was a serioius one for a woman my mom's age. Surgeon wasn't sure he could put mom's intestines back inside of her. He didn't know if he would have to do that poop bag on the side. He didn't know if she was going to get septis. So we needed poa in place in the event i would have to act on mom's behalf.
so by default i was it. I made sister back up and my BIL 3rd back up.

It is very sad that families can be this way. Somewhere in our upbringing we are taught either directly or indirectly that families work together and stay together. This disease has taught me differently. By the way, i was being accused of taking moms money but it was my sister and BIL who took 32k of my moms money while she was probably stage 4 of AD and very confused and wasn't able to handle her finances. Ironic. Well mom is all I have and when she dies I will have no family members. In the meantime I have to get to a lawyer to ensure that my sister and her children get nothing of mine. My estate is 1 million. My home is work 800k. No one gets anything because none of them have ever visited mom. They don't even acknowledge her on holidays or mom's birthday.

Greed and money are dangerous. Thanks for tolorating my vent.
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and thats the thing keeping them comfortable but in this case..its selfishness and gried and i do notr like it,,and i just found out today their arguing over everything and it hasnt even been a month..its a sad a situation, this is the worst one i have every dealt with in the 10 yrs i have been a hospice aide
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I remember being taught in nursing school, many many yrs ago hearing is the last sense to leave and the first sense to come back... It is NOT appropriate to say things you do not want them to hear. My Father, was a quiet man and in his last days did not say much, but I know he heard us and we told him we loved him and that we would take care of my Mom. Dying people as well as living people need to be treated kindly with dignity and respect!!!
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My mom babbles too, sometimes wakes up laughing hysterically and I love it! lol
People dont see her as I do, unless they spend the t-i-m-e with her and think she knows nothing. But,When in a good mood at a non stressful environment, I tell her her blue eyes are beautiful she raises her eyebrows and smiles. Gotta love it !Thank You for posting too.
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Reverseroles Agreed 100 percent. Also, my mom generally babbles but at times she comes up with perfect sentances that are profound!!!!!! My goal, just as the doctor said, keep them comfortable and happy and free from fea!!!!!! Thanks for posting.
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Suzmarie, I do the same thing as you! I type up questions and situations going on with Mom but I hand it to the nurse for him to read before he comes into the exam room. To see my Mom you would think she knows not a thing, but she might. I take no chances, afterall, I can tell my Mom to kiss me, and she does, and I can make her laugh so she has to understand things. Why give them something to worry about, as the dr said just keep them comfortable and happy, thats all that matters.
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THANK YOU THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU..i thought i was the only one thought this and to you suzmarie i think i can speak for the rest that are professionals or not .. it is the last to go and thats all im gonna say to that..i have experience in about every field of dying stages...it was just awful what had happen but i stood my ground did what my supervisor told me to do. im sure i was a bunch names but i protected my client like i do with all when it comes to them im there. i take alot pride in my work as a hospice aide and i totally enjoy it ..the families can be......well im sure you get the picture but i can handle anything that tossed to me when it comes to taking care of my clients
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How do we know that hearing is the last to go.....
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I agree with you. And, as a professional, well versed in the dying process, you can always remind patients' families that hearing is the last sense to go. That ought to shut up all but the crassest and greediest of them.
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Sometimes blood is not thicker than water when it comes to behavior. What you described would probably be my sister. Thanks for sharing your experience. Even now my mom with Alzheimer's we don't discuss the disease/symptoms etc in front of her. When we visit the neurologist annually i fax over my list of her behaviors and my concerns, questions or ideas. The dr. is able to read this in advance and little discussion is needed once we arrive. she answers the question in such a way that it is innocuous (sp). if i need further explanation or details we step outside the office. I don't want mom hearing anything.

and the intern that ask about the autopsy omg the timing certainly was awful and more.
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You did the right thing and you also did a great thing by sharing this story, here on this site so others can carry your idea and passion.
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You did the right thing. When one of my grandparents was living with me, some of the other relatives (who did not visit nor help) showed up and one of my aunts had her daughters (one my age, one two years older) and they were asking right in front of my grandmother what they would be getting when she died! I threw them out of the house.
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You are RIGHT, absolutely and if they didnt like it, thats too bad. When my dad was passing the intern in the hospital asked if we would sign a form let them do an autopsy on him just for their knowledge in training. To this day I pray he didnt hear or understand that, made me furious! Be Strong and do what your gut and your heart tells you to do msdiva.
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You are obviously a kind and caring person... I personnally think what you did was what was best for your patient and I appauld that!!! families can be thoughtless and don't think about the fact that their loved one may still be able to hear them! I have been a hospice nurse and my families caregiver... I think YOU did the right thing! just my 2 cents... take care
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You are100% correct. How disrespectful the family was being at a time like this.!
Upsidedown
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