My husband died an agonal death of esophageal cancer 6 months ago. I am a registered nurse and had the skills to take care of his complex medical needs at home. No one could relieve me because of this. I took care of him 24/7 for 9 months. He died at home.
Kent wanted to live every day, every hour, every second he could wrest from life, despite great suffering. The decision to go on Hospice and stop the tube feedings was very hard. When he finally died, he had lived another 28 days, twice as long as expected. He was alert and oriented up until 9 hours before his death.
Watching my husband starve to death was a horror that I can’t “unsee”. It is like I watched him die in a concentration camp. I felt I gave him wonderful love and care, so I do not feel guilty. Kent wanted to 1. Die at home, 2. Die with me by his side, 3. Die with his dog at his feet. I gave that to him.
But I am paying for this. I do not see any path through seeing the horror of Kent starving to death. I believe I will process other parts of this grief. But not this.
Why doesn’t this site have GRIEF as a category.