Honoring My Friend & My Grief

A lovely contributor here suggested I change my photo (which I did) and pay tribute to my friend of 20+ years who passed away 2-23-23. I took this photo about 1-2 weeks before he died. He was in a nursing home for the last two years (with the brief 2-week period due to him begging to 'go home.' ) He was home for two weeks and couldn't walk, and could not afford the 24/7 caregiver support he needed so he spent the last year in another nursing home.

What I am learning about grief / grieving.

* It is strange, surreal, unworldly and deep.

* I allow it to come up and out and find that when I talk to others, the tears come out more (than when alone).

* The difference of knowing that death is coming (was for me) being ultra aware and present, appreciating each moment; after death, grieving feels like a reflection of life that was - the pain of losing someone, knowing they transcended this plane. In other words, when I thought I was preparing for his death/transition, it is another entirely different experience when he actually died. I was in shock, while preparing (?) for months, if not a year or longer.

* Grief strikes any time and any where. Triggers are all around... from getting Jerry sushi at Whole Foods ... to driving past the nursing home (two blocks from me), to looking at his photos, to remembering his words (and deep love) for me. He so appreciated all I did for him over the last 2+ years, which was everything, including legally responsible for his life.

* He was assaulted in the Air Force barracks for being Jewish. He developed PTSD that enveloped his entire life - with severe depression and anxiety. He couldn't sleep at nights (they assaulted him in his bed). He reported the attack to his superior and nothing was done. When he left the service, he tried to get help and was told he didn't quality and to 'just forget about it." We were a couple for the first six months or so and then I realized I couldn't be in a partnership / relationship and became his life-long friend.

* My heart ached and aches for the hatred he experienced.

* I am grateful that he found his natural artistic talent in his 50s, after a breakdown (I didn't know him then). He ws a gifted representational artist, usually surrealist type imagery. Although I have one of a ceramic bowl on a piece of wood. I had to touch the bowl to make sure it wasn't real. Same with an abalone shell he did. He loved painting gourds.

* Grief takes its time and I want to be present in and for it. It is a way to honor myself and Jerry.

* It is kind of remarkable to watch / observe / experience someone aging. I met Jerry when he was 72 and he died a month less than 90.

Forgive yourself and others - if you can, before they transition. And, if you do not forgive them before, you can do it now. It is a gift you give to yourself. And self-forgiveness is too. Most of us go through the "I wish I did ... I wish I didn't ... why didn't I ... We do the best we can with who we are in any given moment. Be present in the moment. It is all we have.

Gena / Touch Matters