Horrible saying it out loud but I'm slowly going mad! My dad died (who did everything for her) he's been gone 5 years and now she thinks I'm the replacement for everything she needs doing. Please don't get me wrong I'll help anyone but when it's everything and she won't try to even read a bill reminder or answer the phone or choose a new kettle !!! When my dad was still here she hardly came to my home maybe once a week at the most. Now it's everyday I work cos I'm the bill payer, I'm shattered and not in the best of health but as soon as I get home and sit down she's at my door She'll say the same things then after 15 mins just sits there watching tv till she decides to go sometimes pretending to go home for her tea but then I feel guilty and make it for her I'm stuck in such a rut I don't go out anymore I go to work and come home ... end of! The thought of this going on another 1,2....5/10 years fills me with such hatred and dread. I'm 55 now and brought my 2 boys up from my youngest being born. I can't stand this much longer. Any advice or help appreciated I've had counseling, I've tried explaining to her and it works for a couple of days then it starts again She has a way of making me feel guilty and crap saying she's so lonely and hates being on her own Sometimes I snap and say I love being in my own! I've tried everything
Have you thought about moving house?
I was your age 5 years ago when my dad passed. He and my mom were waiting to move into an independent apartment in a continuing care community. The apartment was being built and there was an 18 month wait. When dad died my mom immediately moved in with my husband, son and I because she said she could not live alone. My dad was like yours. He did EVERYTHING for my mom. He was the social director, cook, cleaner, handled finances etc. My mom was the princess and didn't know how (or chose not to) do anything for herself. I immediately took the role of my dad.
She camped out in my family room watching old shows all day and expected to be waited on and go everywhere with us. My 16 year old son spent less and less time upstairs with us and more time in the basement. Weekends with my husband were no longer fun and relaxing.
I tried to teach my mom things like how to pump gas and go to the bank by herself. I encouraged her to get involved in things and take walks etc. She wasn't interested. She was content to sit and watch tv and wait till I made meals or took her out. I think I aged ten years doing those 18 months. I was at the doctors office with all kinds of pains and problems and had all kinds of tests.
After 18 months my mom moved into her apartment. Within a month all my health problems disappeared. It's amazing what stress can do to you. It was difficult for my mom to live on her own but there was no excuse for her not to. I've learned to set boundaries and not enable her. I learned the more I do for her the less she will do for herself.
She still sits and watches tv all day and does not get involved in the activities that are offered and I've finally realized that that's her choice. She has met a group of women that she eats with every night and I am happy for that. I live my own live now, call to check up on her and take her to lunch and shopping once a week and bring her to our home ocasionaly on a weekend . She does try to make me feel guilty by saying that she is lonely at times but I remind myself that it's her choice and I can't be her social life.
Is it possible to get your mom to move to an independent living apartment where there would be other seniors her age?
Do not get her tea, but make her get it herself. If she can't decide on a tea kettle, then she uses her old one.
Bottom line: you MUST STOP. Do not allow yourself into guilt. You don't deserve that. All you're doing is enabling her and making yourself sick. STOP. While it's hard to take a stand and say NO, it's much easier and less time consuming then enabling her for the rest of her life--or yours. If she needs a hand learning her bill reminder, then teach her; if she refuses, then her bills are her responsibility, period.
sue888 above has great advice. Tough love is called "tough" for a reason. It's hard, but in the long run you'll all be better off and healthier.